Chapter 4

December 20, 2012

My pounding head woke me up the next day. I remembered the wine and dinner. I remembered Mom and me talking. "Oh, fuck..." I cursed, as I sat up in bed to cover my face with my hands. The scent of my sex was still on my fingers. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

It took a few minutes for me to piece together what had happened. I rubbed the spot where he kissed my forehead. My legs were rubber as I grabbed my clothes and locked myself in the bathroom. I gave myself a disgusted look in the mirror. There was no way I could face him now. Surely he'd known what I'd done.

The sour stomach, the shame; It all made me want to throw up. Jumping in the shower, I stood letting the falling water melt the shame I felt. I scrubbed myself raw and washed my hair out, trying to remove the scent of sandalwood but it lingered no matter what I did.

I had to spend the day out of the house. There was no way I could risk being around him with my self-control slipping. After putting on my bra and underwear, I dashed into my room and put on something nicer than I'd normally wear to school. If I went to the mall later, I didn't want to go dressed in my regular campus sweats.

I tried to be quiet as I went into the living room for my books. Mom's door was still shut and there was no light coming from under it. John was breathing deeply, so I prayed he was still asleep as I entered the living room and reached down for my book bag.

"Good morning," he whispered. His eyes were open, and his hands were up behind his head. He was looking at me with an expression that made me want to snuggle right up next to him. I managed to utter a strangled, "Hi."

"You got a little sleepy last night toward the end. How'd you sleep?" he asked with a sexy undertone to his voice that made it clear he'd noticed what I'd done.

"Good," I replied, standing with my books as my stomach turned. "I'll see you later."

He blinked and frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I just need to go." I quickly left the house and cursed myself for being a fool. The rumbling in my stomach made me scared I'd be sick, but I forced myself to walk quickly to the bus stop.

I managed to will away the nausea during the trip to school. What I needed to do was get Steph interested in John. Once they met and things took off, it would force me to stop thinking about him this way. I could make myself do it if I had to.

When I arrived at the coffee shop, I ordered a black coffee. The aftermath of all the wine made the thought of eating anything repulsive. The stove in the back drew me with its heat when I went looking for a seat. After I sat, I sipped my coffee and rubbed my temples until the pain and nausea receded a little.

"Hey, Kate!" Steph said as she plopped down in the seat across from me. "You look like hell."

"And you look like a bucket of shit," I said, then bit my tongue and shook my head. "Sorry."

"What's wrong?" she asked as she grabbed my hand to squeeze it.

"I had a bit too much wine last night, that's all. John cooked a wonderful dinner, but the three of us drank two bottles of red wine. I'm not used to it." I could feel her staring at me, but refused to look her in the eye.

"That's not all, is it?" she asked.

No, I thought, but didn't repeat it out loud. After cursing her for being intuitive, I slapped on a fake smile and switched gears. "Let's talk about your party. Mom wants to go, but she needs to check her work schedule. But even if she says she can, she may still bail on us. An ex-employee stuck her with an extra shift when she didn't show up for work last week."

"I can't believe someone would do that," she said, taking a sip of her coffee. "Speaking of work, I was at the mall last weekend and you weren't working when I stopped by."

"The store hired a bunch of seasonal workers this year. Since I don't work during the week because of school, the managers offered my weekend shifts to the seasonal staff if they wanted the extra money. So far, they've snapped them all up. I'm still on call, but as long as they have coverage, I won't have to go in until after New Years."

"Sucks for your paycheck," Steph replied.

"Yeah, but I've been enjoying the extra time at home."

"Speaking of spending time at home, you have got to tell me about your cousin," she exclaimed, looking practically giddy.

I took a deep breath and kept the smile fixed on my face. "He's tall and good looking. He can cook amazing chicken pasta. He knows about wine and books and is studying to be an engineer. He has two little brothers that he really loves and it shows. His parents are great. His mom is my Aunt Susan, Mom's sister."

She was staring at me with real interest. "Oooh, what else?"

The question put me right back to the moment during dinner when he had told Mom and me stories. "He's so funny, Steph. He went on telling family stories for an hour that had both Mom and I in stitches. But he's more than just funny; He's incredibly smart. I don't think we've hit a topic that he doesn't know at least something about. It's not that annoying know-it-all kind of thing, either. He seems to light up when he's describing something, like he's really excited to share it. He makes everything seem so interesting."

"Oh my god, I'm falling in love." Her comment made my throat close for a moment when I realized I knew exactly how she felt. I had to convince her to take him before this feeling took me places I shouldn't go.

"And his laugh is beautiful and it just bubbles out of him, making you smile when you hear it. He's easy to talk to and makes you feel like you can tell him anything. There's a depth to him as well. I can tell there's something sad that's bothering him, but it doesn't keep him down."

"Kate..." I barely heard her speak. I was drowning in him.

"He also has a warmth about his face. He can look at you in this way that melts you into your socks, like he really sees you. Not just your face or your clothes, but all the way into your soul. And even though it's kind of scary, his expression makes you believe that he likes you just the way you are."

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Shit, I had to get it under control. "I'm fine, just didn't sleep very well," I said, smiling even wider. "You need to meet him, Steph. I'll take him to the mall on Saturday and introduce you to him. I just know you two will hit it off."

"Well, after the way you described him..." She hesitated a moment, her expression thoughtful and perplexed. "I'll have to meet him now."

"Speaking of the mall, do you want to go to the mall tonight? I need to do some Christmas shopping."

Composing myself, I forced all thoughts of John away. "I'd love to! Let's get Holly and make an afternoon of it after we get out of class."

My classes flew by. My manic mood seemed to push the hours right along. It probably helped that the teachers only half tried with only one day left before holiday break. I still wasn't hungry at lunch, so I worked in the library to write my report for my technical writing class.

The afternoon classes went even faster. Any time I was tempted with thoughts of John, I pinched myself as hard as I could. If I couldn't control my feelings I could damn well stop fixating on him. By the time I was walking to Steph's car I could see small bruises all over my left arm and I wore them like marks of honor.

We drove to the mall with Christmas music playing and the three of us singing at the tops of our lungs like a bunch of idiots. I decided to embrace my new shallow self and just let go. When we got to the mall, we continued singing as we walked through the parking lot, ignoring the people around us that looked on and shook their heads. We didn't care.

We took off our coats once we were inside, and I shook out my hair to get the sleet and mist out. "Okay ladies, what do we need?"

Steph held up her phone with a picture of a blue dress. "I need some shoes to go with this."

"I need something about eight inches long, two inches wide, and vibrates like sixty miles of bad road."

"Oh my God, Holly, what the fuck?" laughed Steph as she covered her mouth.

"Do they sell those kinds of things here?" I was shocked, but curious.

"What? Here in God's country? No, you'd have to drive out toward Sevierville to find something fun like that."

Steph put her arm around Holly's shoulder. "And just how do you know this?"

Holly grinned. "Oh you poor, sheltered child."

We all laughed as we walked toward the first of the shoe stores. They were both good distractions for me, due largely to Holly's coarse humor. It was a new side of her and I liked it.

When we got hungry, Steph suggested the coffee shop in the center of the mall. As I waited in line, I listened to the pianist playing holiday favorites in the middle of the open courtyard. The lovely, light music made me feel at peace for the first time in days. I shut my eyes to listen until the person in front of me walked away.

After paying for our coffee and a few pastries to share, I made my way back to our table. I didn't have a lot of money, but I felt like I owed them for keeping me occupied and away from home.

"Oh, Kate, thank you," Steph said as she took the coffee from me and sipped it carefully.

"My pleasure, I really appreciate you both hanging out with me today."

"Missing Jules?" asked Holly over the top of her coffee.

"Yes." And I realized I really was. I could always count on her to give me a pep talk and she'd be able to put the situation with John into perspective. She had always managed to steer me away from the rocks where relationships were concerned. God knows she ended up on the rocks often enough herself to know what to avoid.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Holly had a glint in her eye that made me feel uncomfortable.

"Sure, I guess."

"Were you and Jules ever ... involved?" My mind flashed to a summer day in her pool, the scent of chlorine and coconut suntan lotion.

"What?" I asked and gave her an incredulous look. "Why would you ask me that?"

She held the lid of her coffee open and blew softly to cool it down. "You never date anyone for very long." She blew again. "Everyone knows Jules is bi, I just wondered, that's all."

I rolled my eyes. "Jules is like my sister. I can't even imagine her that way." And yet, the idea that she even thought that about me made me nervous for some reason.

"It's fine by me if you were," she said, blowing again and fanning the cup with the lid.

"God, Holly, just stop it." Steph said and turned to me. "I swear ever since she went on that trip to Jamaica over the summer, she's been impossible. It's always sex, sex, sex."

"You have no idea," exclaimed Holly as she put her lid back on and took a sip. "Still too hot."

"What happened in Jamaica?" I asked Holly, thankful for the distraction.

Steph glared at her before she could say a word. "She had her first orgasm during sex, blah, blah, blah. I swear she won't shut up about it."

"And what's wrong with that?" I asked with wicked grin.

"Nothing, but I'm sick of hearing about it. No matter what we talk about, it always comes back to that."

"Oh, and your big holiday party isn't the same thing?" Holly had flushed a deep red.

"That's different and you know it! Everyone is excited about my party." Dropping her voice low, she hissed, "I bet Anton dumped you because he was sick of hearing about your sex adventure with that old guy on the beach."

Holly scooted her chair back with a screech. "I'll find another way home. Kate, if you get bored hanging out with your cousin, please, feel free to call me. I'd love to hang out with you sometime."

I nodded and smiled to let her know I understood. "I'll give you a call."

Steph refused to look at Holly when she walked away, instead she muttered, "Fucking bitch."

I took a sip of my coffee. "You guys are best friends. You don't mean that."

She sighed. "No."

"What's wrong? Tell me." I said as I patted her arm to give her encouragement.

"It's just so different now, so much more complicated. We used to go on dates with guys all the time. We'd have those sleepovers at Jules' house or hang out in her pool all weekend. Now, everyone is busy or hooking up, or moving away."

"It must be hard. You were very popular in the day," I said as I tore off a bit of the cinnamon roll and ate it.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, and then I realized how it must have sounded to her.

"Nothing bad, it's just, in high school people followed you around all the time. I was always so jealous of you and Jules for that. You took risks and did things I could never do."

"Oh," she said, my words seeming to mollify her. "I never knew you were jealous."

"C'mon, you and Jules live in those giant houses. You have a horse, for fuck's sake. I can't even afford a car and you drove yours brand new off the lot when you turned eighteen."

She didn't say anything at first. Her fingers trembled when she tore off some of the cinnamon roll for herself. "It's not always like it appears from the outside."

"I'm sure it's not. I know you have your own set of problems. The grass is always greener and all that."

"I was just hoping the holiday party would be like the old days. I wanted everything to be perfect, but then Jules decided to drive with her family to Vermont for Christmas. Who the hell drives for two days, in the middle of winter? Then that asshole Troy dumped me before Thanksgiving and spread all those nasty rumors, to the point I can't even find a decent date to my own fucking party." She pushed the plate of pastries away.

"What rumors?" I asked, taking a sip of coffee.

"Oh, you hadn't heard? He's been telling everyone I'm frigid. That I just lay there like a dead fish. I couldn't figure out why people kept looking at me and doing this with their mouths," she said, sucking in her cheeks and making her lips move like a fish. "It went on for a week before someone finally told me."

"Oh Steph," I rubbed her arm, "I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

There were tears in her eyes. "Normally I'd just laugh it off, but life isn't like high school anymore."

"Was Troy your first?"

"God no," she replied, wiping her eyes and chuckling. "I cashed in my V card on prom night, like most red-blooded American girls. Didn't you?"