Chapter 14

January 3, 2013

When we stepped out of the doctor's office, I stopped to put on my coat, while Jules dug through her purse for her keys. "Told you," I sang with a smug grin on my face.

"You still took a crazy risk letting him fuck you without a condom. You don't know, he could have some kind of disease."

She'd been in rare form this morning. The night before, we'd talked for hours, until she took me to bed to drive me crazy with her tongue. We'd woken up late and had to scramble to get ready for the appointment, and the whole morning she'd grilled me for details about John. After I started sharing things, she kept pointing out less generous ways to interpret his words and actions. My response was to torment her with vivid descriptions of our time together.

"I did inspect him rather closely before our first time. He has a really lovely cock. You should see it sometime. Not too big or small, thicker than I'd expected, with a lovely spicy flavor that reminds me of--"

"That's enough!" she growled, glaring at me before stomping toward the car, her keys jangling along with her.

"Speaking of spicy flavors, are you getting hungry for lunch?" I asked.

"How about Niro's, to celebrate you surviving your stupidity?" she suggested bitterly.

"Perfect! I haven't had one of their Chicago dogs in a long time."

As she drove, I watched her out of the corner of my eye. She was acting like everything was fine, but I could tell she was struggling with the uncertainty as much as I was. It was in the way she looked when she thought I wasn't looking--sad and frightened.

Just because I'd refused to choose between them, didn't mean she wouldn't try to cut me off. I needed to find some way for her to know John the way I did, but there was no time to get them together. School would be starting for me on Monday, she had work, and John wouldn't be back until February. I sighed out of frustration.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing." I was growing tired of fighting about him.

"Don't you nothing me. Spill, VV," she commanded.

Not wanting to open that topic just yet, I said, "I wish you didn't have to go to work tonight."

She grinned at me. "You could come with me. It's not like your Mom can stop you anymore."

"True." But I wasn't in the mood to sit around drinking club soda all night, while Jules put on her act for the customers. She was fantastic at making people feel welcome, attractive, and interesting, but I'd seen it enough to be bored by it. "I really need some time to think. That reminds me, my old journal is full and I wanted to get a new one. Can we swing by an office supply store?"

At the next stoplight, she reached into the back seat and pulled out a wrapped gift from under her coat. "Here," she said, handing it to me.

"What's this?" I asked as I pulled the bow off and opened the wrapping at the seams.

"Merry Christmas," she said, flushing with apparent embarrassment.

When I'd opened the wrapping, I held a black notebook with rounded corners on one side and a curiously flat, square pen tucked along its binding. The covering material felt like leather and the pale yellow pages were neatly lined in a crisp gray ink. "Oh my God, it's gorgeous. When did you get this?"

"Yesterday, after I left you at Denny's. If you hadn't shown up last night, I was going to leave it in your Mom's mailbox as a goodbye gift."

"It's beautiful. I feel awful I never picked up anything for you."

"You gave me enough," she said, keeping her eyes on the road and not me, but I could see her eyes were full. "I'm just glad this one doesn't have fucking unicorns and rainbows on it."

That made me chuckle. "Thank you," I said, kissing her quickly just as the light changed.

Niro's looked a little like a brown house from the outside, but the interior featured a green and white theme with garish accents in yellow and red. We lined up and ordered our dogs, taking seats in the crowded dining room. Mine was fully loaded with tomatoes, pickles, peppers, and onions, and I knew I'd pay for it later, but I hadn't been able to resist my favorite. Jules had hers with everything except the onions.

"You're going to regret that later," I said.

She looked up at me, puzzled. "What?"

"Not eating onions." I looked at her with a wicked grin. It was still so odd to see her and want to kiss her. I kept thinking of her as my friend, but then my racing heart would correct me every time I looked at her.

"I don't mind onion breath." Picking up a single fry, she slipped it between her lips seductively, and whispered, "As long as it's yours."

I could feel my face grow hot and had to look away for a moment. When her foot slid up my calf, I chuckled. "You'd better eat fast. I'm already thinking about dessert."

We ate quickly, stealing glances at each other between bites. I wasn't comfortable showing her affection in public. She might've kissed that dark haired girl outside the bar on New Year's Eve without any concern, but I wasn't ready for that kind of public display. The frustration of it all was making me crazy.

Once we'd finished eating and had returned to the car, I waited until she shut her door, and then pulled her into my arms. She kissed me hard, pulling my hair back to force me to lift my chin. "Yes," I murmured.

She licked along my jaw and then took my earlobe between her teeth. "Oh, look, you made my favorite," she growled.

"Be careful with my grandmother's earrings." I had goose bumps up and down my arms. "Hurry up and take me home. I want a quickie before you go to work."

"Home?" she asked, leaning back to look at me. "Do you mean that?"

Her face was a picture of hope. I felt sick as I realized she'd misunderstood what I'd said and began to tremble. It would be so easy to say yes, but I couldn't do that to John. As soon as she saw my expression, her smile disappeared. "I'm sorry, but I still want to be with him," I whispered.

"Fuck this!" She pushed me away and started the car. "Goddamn it, I wish you'd figure out what you fucking want."

After she backed out, she jammed the car in gear and made the tires bark as she got back on the road. My heart raced as she whipped in and out of traffic. "Don't get us killed."

She mumbled something, but I couldn't make out what.

"You need to meet him, then you'd understand." I said, pleading, trying to get her to understand.

"He's probably got a girlfriend or someone he hooks up with back on campus. Do you think he's been telling her about you the last couple of days? Do you imagine he's sitting around with his buddies telling them how he fell for his amazing girl cousin in Knoxville?"

"Shut up!" The poison from her hate made me physically ill. "You don't know him!"

"Use your fucking brain, VV! This guy isn't some fucking white knight, no matter what you think. He's a good looking, well educated musician who's going to have a high paying job some day! There are thousands of women on that campus trying to land someone half as good as you say he is. Why the hell did he pick you?"

That hit me like a thousand volts, making rage blow past all the pain. "What the fuck is so wrong with me? I'm not ugly and it turns out I'm pretty good in bed." I was ready to fight this out with her when I realized she was crying, tears streaming down her face as she drove.

"Why did he have to pick you?" she sobbed.

"Oh, God," I gasped and helped her steer the car off the road and into a parking lot. Once we'd stopped, she fell into my arms, crying like she was broken. I'd never seen her this torn up since our sophomore year. She'd gotten pregnant, and I'd gone through the whole thing with her. When we'd left the clinic after the procedure that day, she'd been out of her mind. I just held her until she pulled herself together.

"Sorry," she said, wiping her tears. "I know, six more days."

"It doesn't have to be like this!"

"That's your decision to make, not mine."

"You won't believe me until you've met him. God, I wish we could just drive there and get this over with."

"I have to go to work. I'll drop you off at my apartment."

"Fine," I said, letting it drop there, and we sat in silence the rest of the way.

She'd said that she didn't want me to feel like a rope in a tug of war, but that was exactly how I felt. She was so lost in her own pain that she couldn't see mine. I was going to have to do something before I lost her.

When we got home, she went straight upstairs to change clothes without a word. I was following her up the stairs when my phone started ringing. "Don't leave until I get off the phone," I told Jules after seeing it was Mom. "Hello?"

"Hey Kate, it's Mom," she replied, her voice low and tense.

"Yes?"

"You've made your point, now come home so we can talk about this like adults."

I stood there at the top of the stairs in open-mouthed shock. Mom never gave up. When I was growing up, if I'd refused to eat something she'd made, she'd let me starve until I ate it. I still remember eating green beans three meals a day, for a week because I'd refused them once.

"Who are you and what have you done with my mother?" I asked after finding my voice again.

"I'm serious. I obviously overreacted. You're a grown woman who's free to make her own mistakes. I just wish you'd been honest with me."

That put my back up. "What exactly have I not been honest about?"

"Well, you clearly weren't a virgin," she said with an exasperated tone that threw me right over the edge.

"As a matter of fact, I was a virgin until Christmas Day. You and I haven't had much time to discuss things in the last week. Was that the big issue? That I didn't immediately share my change in status with you?" I asked, pacing the bedroom while I spoke.

"You mean, John..." She trailed off for a second. "Wait, he took your virginity and all he gave you for Christmas was a fucking calendar?"

"That calendar was his promise to me. He's coming back in four weeks, with more trips to follow! If you hadn't flown off the fucking handle, I'd have told you--"

"Oh my God, you can't start dating your cousin! What would I tell Susan?"

"Why the hell not? It's not like we're actually related or did you forget that part?" When she didn't say anything right away, I took advantage and tried to catch my breath. Glancing back at Jules, I found her standing in the doorway of the closet with the strangest look on her face.

"You still could've told me, Kate," said Mom, sounding much calmer, but my frustration was beyond my control.

"Yes, I could have, but with the way you've reacted so far, I'm not sure it would have turned out any different."

"Just come home. I've been worried sick about you. I haven't been able to sleep since you left."

I laughed out loud. "God, this is fucking rich. How do you think I've been doing, Mom? I can't talk to you right now."

"At least tell me where you are!"

"Goodbye, Mom," I said as I continued to pace around the room, hoping it would help get the agitation out.

"You're not actually related?" asked Jules, looking shell shocked.

"No, he was adopted."

"Steph didn't tell me that."

"She doesn't know. I didn't even find out until Christmas, because Mom hadn't bothered telling me. We thought it was best to wait to tell anyone about us until we figured things out for ourselves."

"I see," she said with a thoughtful look on her face.

"Look, things have gotten very complicated over the last few days. I'd hoped to quietly date John for a while and let things work themselves out." I walked over to her and took her hands. "Please stop making me choose between you two. Let me have him, but be my friend!"

She shook her head. "No, you don't understand. It would kill me."

"What if you met him? What if you got to know him? What if I'm right?" I was desperate, but when she kept shaking her head, I knew we'd reached an impasse.

"I have to go to work," she said, pushing my hands away. "We can talk later."

I sat on the bed while she finished getting dressed in silence. It was hopeless. She was going to end our friendship in six days, and there was nothing I could do to convince her otherwise. She kissed me before she left and then I was alone. Climbing onto the bed, I laid there and stared at the wall.

It was time to tell John. Betraying his trust in me once was bad enough, but the guilt I felt was getting worse. If I could find a way to explain what had happened, maybe he would accept my relationship with Jules. But I knew he wouldn't if I waited until he returned.

Holding my phone, I pressed his contact to place the call, and he answered on the first ring. "Hey, I'm so glad you called."

"Hey. I just got off the phone with Mom."

"What did she say?"

"She wants me to come home and talk to her about what happened."

"I doubt she's gonna suddenly change her opinion."

"No, and now that I'm out of the house, I'm not sure I want to go back."

"Can you stay there at Jules' apartment?" he asked.

I shut my eyes and rolled over on my back. "It's a one bedroom loft. There's not much room."

"So, where are you sleeping?"

"With Jules," I said, trying to force my mouth to say the rest, to tell him the truth. The tears fell silently down the sides of my face and into my hair.

"Oh," he said, and then there was a long pause, but I still couldn't make myself speak. "So like a sleepover?" I could hear the grin in his voice, thinking he was being cheeky.

A laugh choked its way out through my tears. "Yes, just like your favorite porn, I'm sure."

"Cool! Would she let me stay there with you guys when I come next month?" he asked.

I could tell he'd been kidding, but it cut me to the heart. "She's not too sure about you."

"I see," he said, suddenly serious. "So you guys have been fighting about me?"

"Yes," I agreed, unable to hide the tears in my voice. "Yes, we have, constantly."

He sighed and I heard him change position. "Look, Mike's been giving me shit, too. I know we said we weren't going to tell anyone, but I couldn't help it. I told him I met a friend of my cousin. I'd never mentioned your name to him before, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to use your real name."

"You did?" Jules was wrong about that at least, he had been talking about me with his friends.

"Yes. I hope you're not mad. At first he was all high fives, but as we talked more, he realized how serious this is for me. I hope I'm not getting ahead of things, Kate. You know I really like you."

I could feel myself tearing in half as he spoke. "I know, me, too," I whispered.

"Anyway, he started asking more and more questions. I could tell he was worried about me moving too fast. He tried to make you seem like some backwoods gold digger and I nearly popped him in the mouth for it," he said, sounding angry with his words clipped short.

"He just doesn't know me. Jules is worried you just want someone to hook up with that won't complicate your life on campus."

"Fuck 'em both, then." he said with a grim laugh.

"I need to tell you something," I said, but he didn't seem to hear me.

"Look, you don't know everything that's happened over the last couple of years. Mike's been a good friend. He's helped me get through some serious shit. Even so, you don't have to worry about him changing my mind. I've never felt like this about anyone before. Let them worry. You still trust me, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Then hang tough, only four more weeks and I'll be there. I may even bring the bastard along to put this shit to rest. Hey, maybe we could set him up with Jules?"

"We can try," I replied, my traitorous mouth refusing to say the words I really needed to say.

"I've got to get ready to go. I've got a couple of gigs this weekend at a hotel downtown and I'm really behind on my project. I'll try to call you tomorrow. Don't worry, okay. I miss you."

"I miss you, too, so much. I'll talk to you soon."

As I hung up, a knife twisted inside me. I couldn't stay here anymore. I had to call Mom and go home. My suitcase was in the closet where Jules had left it, so I pulled it out and put it on the bed. It took a long time to pack, because I had to keep stopping to blow my nose.

By the time my bag was by the front door it was getting dark outside. I sat down at the kitchen table with my new journal open in front of me. Jules wasn't going to be back until after the bar closed, at two o'clock in the morning. I was staring at the front door, thinking about what to say in my note to her, when the door opened and Jules walked in with blood all over her shirt. Her bottom lip was cut and was still oozing blood.

"Oh, my God, what happened?" I asked, jumping up to inspect her for any serious damage.

"Holly came by to see me. We had a little disagreement."

"Fuck! Come up to the bathroom and let me clean you up," I said as I took her hand to lead her up the stairs.

"She thinks I've got some kind of mind control over you."

"She said some pretty awful things when I left and came over here."

"Why didn't you tell me? She totally got the drop on me. I wasn't expecting her to hit me."

"Did you hit her back?" I asked, closing the toilet and sitting her down on the lid. Then I got out a washcloth and wet it down to remove the blood on her face and neck.

"No. Anton came over screaming at her and she ran off. When the police came by, I refused to press any charges."

Once the blood was off, the cut wasn't too bad and she let me help get her shirt off so I could wash it in cold water.

"It's just your lip?"

"And my pride," she said, tearing up and looking away. "Hank told me to take the week off. He said he's afraid she'll come back and doesn't want people thinking the bar is a rough place." She laughed sadly and shook her head.

I got the worst of the blood out of her shirt and wrung it over the sink. "I'm so sorry this happened."

Standing up behind me, she looked at us both in the mirror. "Hey, we match!"

Even though her cut was on the bottom lip and mine on the top, it was kind of funny. "Yeah," I agreed with a weak smile.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm going back to Mom's tonight," I said, not wanting to look her in the eyes, but unable to look away either.

"You promised me a week." Her expression reminded me of the day I'd laughed at her, all those years ago, and broken her heart.

"I can't keep doing this without telling him something, but if you're not going to be my friend anymore, what's the point?"

She narrowed her eyes at me, her jaw clenching. "Let's go then. I'll prove it to you once and for all."

"What do you mean?" I asked, knowing what she'd meant, but wanting her to say it out loud.

"Let's drive there, right now. If he's hiding you from his friends, it should be obvious right away. It'll be all over his face when he sees you. If he has someone else, he won't touch you in front of her or his friends. You'll see and we can get this fucking mess behind us."