Chapter 2: A Decision

"So you finally got smart and left that no-good brother of mine, did you?" Celeste Inman grilled her sister-in-law. "What took you so long?"

"You should talk," Tracy snapped right back. "How long have you been putting up with Darryl's antics? Three years? And every time he beats the shit out of you, you end up in the hospital. I keep hearing you tell me that you're never going back, but you always do. Why, Sis? What's so great about living like this that you'd give up everything else in life?"

"At least I didn't run to a brother that hated my guts so much that he left without a word!" Celeste hissed.

"Brandon didn't hate my guts. It was me that got it all wrong. He had a dream, Celeste, and he left to pursue it, to make it come true, to make it his own. That's more than you or I can say."

"And how long before he up and takes off again? A week? Maybe a month? Then where will you be?"

The anger in Celeste's voice spewed out like poisonous venom, but it was unclear what she was angry about, at that point. As uncomfortable as it made Tracy to have to defend her brother from her sister-in-law, there was a loyalty that she owed him, and an onus to uphold that loyalty.

"I have no idea how long before he leaves, Sis. He said that he wouldn't go until I was ready. He's ... he's asked me to go with him. With the way my life's turning out, there's not much to keep me here in Chicago. In fact, I can only think of one good reason."

"And what's that, pray tell?" her sister-in-law growled.

"You."

"Me?" Celeste questioned Tracy's declaration, her face betraying her surprise. "Look, Sweetie, I know how much I love you, and how much you love me, and maybe that's a reason for you to stay in Chicago. But how long do you think we'll last together? A month? Maybe another year? After that, where will we go? There are times when love just isn't enough to keep two people together."

"Maybe," she conceded, "but while we have it, why not enjoy it?"

"Sweetie, I loved Darryl – once upon a time. But it's deteriorated to merely existing, and I'll suggest that the same is true for you and my asshole of a brother. So why wouldn't it be true for you and your brother too? With my track record, I don't trust men very much anymore. If they don't walk out and leave you between a rock and a hard place, they beat the crap out of you, or up and die. They're not to be trusted. Isn't that why you and I are together? Because we've both learned the hard way?"

"Which leads me back to my original question," Tracy argued. "What's the attraction to Darryl? What keeps you with him, considering what he does to you? At least living with Brandon, I get the feeling that the beatings might stop."

"And if you're in the middle of nowhere, then find out you're wrong? Or he up and leaves you behind somewhere? Then what? You're still screwed, and without the hugs and kisses. Do you really think that being in some idyllic setting is going to make it any easier? Starvation is starvation, no matter where you are."

"That's true," Tracy replied, "whether it's in Chicago or Katmandu. But the fact remains that as long as my brother treats me the way he's done for the last week, I'd rather die happy than alone, and I'll bet you feel the same way. Why else would we have stayed together this long? Neither one of us have what it takes to strike out on our own, whether it's individually or together."

"So what's the solution?" Celeste tried for a summary. "Where do we go from here? Do we keep on putting up with the abuse we endure, because that's the only way you and I can stay together? Or do we take our chances, break up and leave each other, then hope for the best?"

"That's not what I want, and you don't either, Sis," Tracy reminded her sister-in-law. "But until I can sort out this confusion inside, leaving things the way they are might be the best way to go. Or are you telling me that you and I are through?"

"No," Celeste softly replied, while retracting her aggressive stance. "I'm no more prepared to leave you than you are to leave me. But this house of cards is going to collapse one day, and then where will you be? Or me, for that matter? Does your brother even know about us, or is that another secret you keep so that he'll provide you with a roof over your head and food in your belly?"

"I haven't told him," Tracy let her sister-in-law know. "To be honest, I don't have the guts, and I have no idea how to do it anyway. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm just taking advantage of his generosity. But if it was you in my position, you'd do the same. Hell, we're both guilty of that. It's why you stay with Darryl, and why I put up with Darren. I guess you're right, though. About the only reason I'm staying with Brandon is that his offer is better than any others I've had recently."

"Sweetie, as soon as he finds out why you're still hanging around, or about us, you'll be out on your ass. Men are like that."

"I'm not so sure, Sis. Brandon's different. Don't ask me how; he just is. Dammit, this is so bloody confusing! I hoped that talking to you about it would make it easier, but it hasn't. All I know, Celeste, is that I love you. But I love my brother, too."

"The same way you love me? Are you getting in over your head with him? You told me once how you felt when you were a young girl. Is it like that again?"

"No!" Tracy was adamant, but not convincing, even to herself. "Well, maybe," she backed off from her earlier insistence. "Oh hell, I don't know, Sis. Maybe I am. I mean, it's not like he's unlovable. I might be, but not my brother. What should I do?"

"Sweetie, I can't answer that. I've never been in your position before. I mean, look at my brother. He was never someone I was interested in, and he hasn't gotten any better with age, has he? He's certainly not someone I'd fall in love with. I guess this is one of those situations where you wait to see what happens. Just do me one favour?"

"I'll try," Tracy wanted to promise, but wasn't sure if she'd be able to keep it if she did.

"Before you leave me, let me know to my face? When that day comes, I want one last night together. Think you could do that for me?"

"Like I said, Celeste, I'll try."

She looked at the clock on her sister-in-law's wall, realizing that while she didn't want to leave, she wasn't ready to stay and go through any more of this dead-end conversation.

"Sis, I've got to go," Tracy made up an excuse. "I told my brother I'd clean up the apartment for him. I'll try to get over here tomorrow, though. Will you be okay? He's not going to beat you up again, is he? Darryl, I mean."

"Who knows," Celeste's resignation to her fate came out. "If I'm not here when you come by, I'll either be in the hospital again or down in the morgue. You scoot, Sweetie. You have better things to do than listen to me prattle on."

"Celeste, I love you, you know," Tracy tried to sound reassuring to her sister-in-law.

"I love you too," the tired woman responded, "but you have somewhere to be. Go. I think I need a nap before the crap Darryl's going to bring home finally arrives."

Tracy walked slowly as she covered the fifteen blocks between her sister-in-law's apartment and her brother's, glad to be out of the depressed atmosphere, but still struggling with the dilemma she'd created for herself. She and Celeste had been lovers for a little more than a year, and although it had started as an arrangement of convenience, their affair had become the one ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak life. But now that Brandon was back in her life again, she was reluctant to let either one go.

Unlocking the apartment door, Tracy called out to Brandon that she was home, only to be greeted with the sounds of silence. He had left her a note on the table, though, and she closed the door, then went to read it.

Tracy

Gone to a job interview. Should be back before long. If I get the job, let's celebrate and go out for supper.

I do love you, Pip-squeak.

Brandon

Once again, there were those five magic words that had sustained hope in her for the last two decades, and they brought a tear to her eye that blurred her vision of the letter. But unlike the first time she'd read them, there were feelings of hope and happiness in her. This time, he'd be back. Of that, she felt certain.

True to his word, Brandon walked through the door of the little apartment almost an hour later, and as soon as he did, Tracy was in his arms, hugging and holding the one man that she felt she could trust. Well, for the most part she could. Whether he'd understand and accept the relationship between her and Celeste remained to be seen.

"How'd it go?" she tried to get into his inner self.

"I start on Monday," was about as enthusiastic as her brother got. "It'll give me something to do for a while, and I kind of enjoy that sort of work. How was your day? Did you get to your sister-in-law's?"

"Yeah. I just got back about an hour ago, and cleaned the apartment up a bit. How come most of the stuff I picked up is mine? Where the hell do you hide your dirty laundry and all the garbage that we create?"

"Laundry's in the hamper and the garbage went out to the bin when I left. I appreciate that you pick up after me, Sis, but I'm trying not to make it your life's work. That's just me, I guess. Now. About supper. Where would you like to go?"

"You choose," she deferred. "You know more about those things than I do. But it has to be somewhere casual, because I only have this one outfit."

"Tomorrow, little sister, we have to correct that. Think you can stand shopping for clothes with your big brother tagging along?"

"It's a tough job, but I think I can manage," she teased him happily, then softly and gently kissed his lips.

That little flutter in her stomach from his proximity thrilled Tracy. As much as she loved the sensation though, it also reminded her of the dilemma that she couldn't seem to resolve. Would its implications cost her a brother again? Would he throw her out, or would he decide to accommodate her needs, including the ones she had for Celeste? Those questions squelched the happy mood she'd enjoyed only moments earlier. It was something that Brandon noticed, or maybe just felt in the air around them. But he did notice, and it left him wondering what he might have said or done to bring on his sister's melancholy.

"You okay, Sis? Something the matter?" Brandon tried to find answers to the questions inside him.

"Just one of those loose ends," Tracy kept her reply vague. "Don't worry about it. I'll get it sorted out eventually," she struggled to change the subject.

There was an uncomfortable heaviness in the air as they both got ready to go for supper, and it followed then down the stairs and into the car. As he put the key in the ignition, Brandon stopped, his priority now to discover what had brought his sister so far down so quickly.

"What's going on, Pip-squeak?" he brought the discomfort to the fore.

"Nothing's going on. I'm just trying to get a loose end taken care of, that's all," she tried to dismiss his intrusion into a private part of her life that she was scared to reveal, especially to him.

"Nice try, Sis," he refused to accept her dismissal, "but whatever it is, it's dragging you down, and that hurts. I never did like it when you let yourself get into one of these funks, and I don't care for it now, either. So tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours. This is your brother you're talking to. Remember him? The guy that always had the time to listen, and help out if he could?"

"I remember, but this is something I have to work out on my own. Can we leave it alone? Please?"

Brandon tried to resign himself to waiting as he started to turn the key, then found that waiting wasn't the solution. Only by tackling the problem head on would he find an answer, and he desperately wanted to be a part of that solution. Again, he let go of the key, then swivelled in his seat and faced his sister.

"Tracy, out with it," he became more insistent now. "Something's eating your guts out, and I want to know what it is. How else am I going to be able to help if you keep it bottled up? You made me promise to be as open and honest with you as I could, but now it's you that's holding back. Kind of hypocritical, isn't it?"

"Can we leave this until after supper at least?" she begged. "It's not something that I want to talk about right now. Actually, I don't want to talk about it at all, but I'm getting the impression that you're going to make me tell you anyway, aren't you?" her tone now included elements of anger.

"I'm not going to make you do anything, Sis, but I'd appreciate a little honesty here. You and I have enough excess baggage to deal with, and adding to the pile won't get us anywhere. Remember when we were kids? There wasn't anything you couldn't tell me or talk to me about. The same goes now."

"Okay, but let's leave it until after supper. Right now, we have something to celebrate. My brother got himself a job. That's pretty special, even for a guy that's retired," she tried one last time to get him off the subject of her dilemma and back to his own achievement.

Brandon described his new position, and how it tied into some of the things he'd done previously in his life. The more he told her, the lighter the air around them became. By the time he'd told her everything he knew, Tracy was positively elated for him. This was one of the most open conversations that they'd ever shared, which made her feel closer to the one man in the world that she found she could trust.

"Have you given any more thought to my idea of sailing around the world together?" Brandon opened a whole new subject that Tracy didn't expect.

"Not really," she told him. "I've got to get that loose end out of the way before I can think about anything else. But if it makes you feel any better, I haven't rejected it either. Maybe we can talk about that after we discuss the dangling thread?" she fought to gain herself some time.

"So you've decided to let me into that part of your life after all?" he expressed some optimism.

"I think so. I'm not so sure it's a good idea from my side of things, but I guess you're entitled to know. But I'll warn you, right now. Opening that can of worms scares the crap out of me."

"Why, Sis? What dark little secret are you keeping that you think I'd abandon the one person in the world I feel I can trust?"

"You're pushing, Brandon. After supper, when we get back... '

She was going to use the word, "Home", but for her, was it? Was her brother's apartment really her home, or was it just a temporary address?

" ... back to your place, we'll talk," she finally found a description that was non-committal.

They finished their meal in relative silence, although the uneasiness of what wasn't said brought with it that air of heaviness again. Brandon needed to find out what had caused his sister's agitation, while Tracy had a burning desire to keep that part of her life secret and private. But she also understood what the possible consequences of silence could be to her. Was she prepared to pay the price?

They rode back to the apartment in silence again, with the gulf between them weighing heavily on both. It was all Brandon could do to keep his mouth shut and allow his sister the space she insisted on him granting her. But as soon as they were in the suite again, he sat down with her on the sofa, then waited until she opened up and filled him in on her "loose ends", as she called them.

"Remember how I told you that my sister-in-law was about the best friend I have?" Tracy started out on her explanation, realizing that he wouldn't let it go until she did. "For the last two years, we've been the only support each one has. Celeste is in a situation that's as bad as the one I just got out of, if not worse. And like me, she doesn't have a lot of choice but to stay where she is. I'm beginning to feel like I'm mooching off you, which is the same thing. Maybe that's why I stayed with Darren for so long, even after he started hitting me. But Darren never broke bones. Celeste hasn't been that lucky.

"Brandon, there have been times when if it wasn't for my sister-in-law, I wouldn't have had anyone, and times when it's been me that's the only one she could turn to. Because of that, we've become close – extremely close. Abandoning her to run away doesn't sit well with me. But there's another complication that comes into it."

Tracy stopped talking, then gazed into her brother's eyes, looking for some sign that he'd be able to accept what she knew had to be said. What she found was a man struggling to comprehend the direction she knew this conversation would take them. Swallowing hard, Tracy decided to take a chance that when he threw her out, it wouldn't be a physical ejection.

"I won't candy-coat this, Brandon," she finally started again. "Celeste and I are ... we're lovers. I need her and she needs me. Our affair is the only thing that's kept me going for the last year. At the time, I had no idea where you were, or how to get hold of you. It was only a fluke that I found out you were back in Chicago, and tracking you down took me three weeks. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I had to see you one more time before you disappeared again. Can you forgive me for sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong?"

Brandon just sat, letting what his sister had explained sink in, not sure exactly how he felt. Only when some of the deluge of information and emotion began to gel did he say anything.

"Tracy, I know I said that you'd have to be open if you wanted me to do the same. At the moment, I'm beginning to regret asking you that. Not because of what you told me, but because I've been down this road once before. There was a girl in Alaska that I got to know, or thought I knew. We even moved in together, and I was starting to think she might be 'the one'. But one day, I came home and she was gone. Left. She ran away with the girl she worked for, and it turned out that they'd been lovers for longer than she and I had. I let myself get blind-sided, Sis, and it hurt like hell. So you'll pardon me if I don't jump up and down with enthusiasm when I find out that my sister's a lesbian."

Tracy let the impact of that term sink in a bit before she went any further. Maybe she was in love with another woman, but if she was a lesbian, then why did she feel so strongly about her brother? She'd been in love with him once before, and after just one short week, it was happening again. Was she grasping at straws? She didn't think so, because just below the surface, those desires for him still existed, still struggled to be released, still boiled within her. They weren't about to go away, nor did she want them to. All that was missing was his love for her to the same degree that she loved him. It might not exist right now, but it wasn't an impossibility either. That, from what he'd said, and from what she believed, might just be a matter of time.

With that hope in her heart, Brandon's idea of sailing off together started to look a lot more appealing than she'd allowed before now. Maybe if they were in a world of their own, he would fall in love with her – again, as he'd confessed. Along with that spark of hope came another one; that the two might find a life together that would last for many, many years. But first, she had to deal with the mess her current life was in.

"I'm not sure that I am a lesbian, Brandon. If I was, I wouldn't have these feelings for men that are in me. I was in love with Darren once. It was only when he started hitting that I lost the magic. And remember I told you that I was in love with you when I was in my teens?"

"I remember, Sis. I was in love with you, too. But that was a different time in our lives, and we never got it to come together. But what's that have to do with this?"

"Because it's happening again, Brandon. I'm falling in love with you again, even if you are my brother. So what does that make me? A lesbian? I don't think so. Obviously, I'm not heterosexual, because I really do love being with Celeste. So what's left?"

"Bisexual?" Brandon advanced.

"And can you handle that? Or should I leave now, before you throw me out? Because if you did, I wouldn't blame you."

"Pip-squeak, I told you that there would always be a place here for you, and I also promised that I'd always have an ear to bend, and be someone to help you get out from the rough spots. None of that has changed. I might not agree with your chosen lifestyle, but you're still my sister and the most important person in my life. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I do love you, Pip-squeak."

With that, he opened his arms to her in an offer of love and affection, fighting hard to accept what he'd just learned. Tracy moved into his embrace and that feeling of security flowed over her as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, protecting her from the wrath of the outside world.

"You're not going to throw me out?" she questioned him.

""No, Pip-squeak, I'm not going to throw you out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did, knowing that you were probably out on the streets and scrambling to stay alive. I love you too much to ever do that, and you know it."

Tracy stayed in her brother's arms, relishing the safety he gave her out of the generosity of his heart, even after she'd inadvertently hurt him – again. She hid there for several minutes, and in that time, the idea of staying with him for a lot longer than a few weeks or months began to solidify. But would he want the same thing?

"Is that offer to go with you when you leave still open?" her soft, enquiring voice vibrated through his chest, more than he heard it through his ears.

"If you're still interested, it is. I'm not sure how to handle your lover, though. I'm not particularly good at being a woman, so I won't make a very good substitute," Brandon tried to lighten the mood.