Chapter 1

Story Notes: This story is very online-gaming-centric. It uses a lot of concepts, vocabulary and acronyms from online games, especially Diablo 3, which the story revolves around. If you're not a gamer, it's possible this story might not be for you. Just a heads-up.

A little gaming, online lingo:

IRL/RL - In Real Life / Real Life (as opposed to gaming world)
OP - Over Powered / Original Poster
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion (I feel dumb even listing this one)
XP - eXPerience, how you track progress in game
Neckbeard - Overweight, unshaven, unkempt geek with hair on his neck
Normal/Nightmare/Hell/Inferno - Progressively harder Diablo3 Levels
DPS - Damage per second, how much game damage you do
Portal - Game ability to teleport back to town. Takes a few seconds
Noob/Newbie/New Meat - New to the game, ignorant or stupid
Res/Rez/Resurrect - Bring a dead game character back to life
GTFO - Get the Fuck Out - insult for a noob or jerk to get lost
STFU - Shut the Fuck Up
Tits or GTFO - popularized in 4chan. Typical response to anonymous 'girls'

I wasn't a socializer. I played hard and played to win. Recorded and posted some of my more interesting tactics, strategies and successes. No time for the namby pamby. I only had 11 in-game friends, turning down numerous requests a day. If I didn't know you IRL you weren't on my list.

Another scrolling pink message in the bottom corner of my screen was nothing special. Something to be ignored nine times out of ten.

[CherryBomb] Dan says you have all the good gear. Hook me up

Wasn't worthy of a reply. Too busy farming Inferno Act III non-stop. I picked up my second legendary in as many days. I know that would excite a lot of newbies, but nine times out of ten, I'd prefer a good yellow drop over the infrequent orange.

The game had been out for over three weeks already. Playing Beta had helped me get off to a rocking start, but people were catching up. I couldn't back off now.

I popped out of the campaign, checking my auctions. I was well up into the tens of millions. Maybe not the most, but doing well. The damn Chinese gold farmers would pass me before long, but that was the game. WoW had been as bad, if not worse. Once I finished the game solo, I was going full-time hardcore anyway, and that would keep most of the bots at bay.

[CherryBomb] Busy? I desperately need decent all-resist. Amulet would be best

I'm sure it would be best. Pricey as hell. The Auction House held plenty. Go shop.

ColMustard was begging for a trip to WhimseyShire. Since I'd posted a vid of me solo'ing it at Inferno level, all my friends wanted to pay a visit. But he was better than most, and gave as good as he got. I opened up the game to take him on a tour. I was the only person I knew with the upgraded staff needed for Whimsey Inferno. It still kicked my ass. But the loot so far had been unGodly.

Fucker had to be res'd half a dozen times, and got me killed twice, which I hate, but it was good for about 60K in gold and two bags of loot. A kick ass shield, max block, hi armor, good crit. Should net a few 100K on the auction.

CherryBomb was consistent, I'll give 'em that. Not spamming me, but every few hours I'd get a request for help with gear. It was getting hard to ignore it.

I was leveling a new hardcore barbarian, after my accidental level 53 death the day before. Fuckin' lag. It was slower going, but I hated power-leveling through exploits. Finding some combo that was OP, that was one thing, but multiple quest turn-ins at double your level sucks IMHO.

PerZeus was online, and offered an invite. He played a Demon Hunter. We worked together well. I also owed him. He'd found my quiver with 9% bonus to Elemental Arrow for my own DH.

I joined his game and hit his banner in town. We were both almost level 50, and he wanted to run the boss's for XP before moving to Hell.

[AceHole] Rdy?

[PerZeus] One more. On her way

Shit. I hated that. Playing with someone I didn't know, especially hardcore, where if you died you lost the character permanently, and everything on it. Anyone but PerZeus, or maybe GnuMeat, and I'd have left. We were standing in the stairwell, idling when the flash appeared.

[CherryBomb] You ready? I only have 30 minutes

Crap. I'd been dodging this character for three days.

[CherryBomb] AceHole? Cool. I like your play-style

CherryBomb was running a level 54 Monk. That was impressive. A quick check of the profile was more disappointing.

[AceHole] 4K DPS? Do you ever manage to kill anything?

[CherryBomb] My gear sucks. Yeah. Why don't you hook me up?

[PerZeus] Chat later? Let's get some XP and loot

I'll say this. For someone so under-geared, CherryBomb had skills. Thirty minutes became an hour and we knocked out some tough elite mobs and several bosses. The loot was mediocre but this was all about the XP.

[CherryBomb] Gotta run. RL calls. Nice party. We should do it again

[AceHole] I take back the 4K shit. You're good

[CherryBomb] That's what they tell me ;)

Smiley? Seriously? Fuckin' noob.

[PerZeus] One more run?

Mistake. Almost died. It was a lot harder without CherryBomb. Still, we managed to survive, and broke level 51 where the gear got better. I had a 10 level reduction two-hander that was epic. It had been used by my previous character, and had been swapped out the same day I lost him and everything on him. The only good thing on an otherwise crappy day. Doubled my damage as soon as I equipped it. The next four or five levels would fly by.

[PerZeus] Easier with Cherry. You gonna help her out gear-wise?

[AceHole] You know her in RL?

[PerZeus] No, but she's cool. Been around since day one

[AceHole] Lotta noob mistakes. Doesn't know how to use Shadow worth a damn. And shitty gear. All the cursing. I think she's mapped a different curse to every quick chat key. Probably some neckbeard in his Momma's basement pretending to be a chick

[PerZeus] That, or some 13 year old, who's just learned half those words. Never can tell

I hit level 56, and went back to my softcore account to do a little farming. Softcore was for learning. I intended to clear Inferno with every class, softcore. Hardcore was for fun. My auctions were almost all done, another 5.2 million in my account, mostly thanks to a 3.1 million ring. Needed to stock up. The economy was shifting. People had gold, and prices were going up. A couple of hours should do it.

I logged in and saw the new friend request. CherryBomb.

Denied.

I was building my valor stacks for improved looting when the messages started.

[CherryBomb] No friend? :-(

[AceHole] Sorry. It's a personal rule. Only peeps I know IRL

[CherryBomb] Understood. A lot of fake weirdo's online. I'm pretty picky too

[AceHole] Yeah. Sorry about that. You do play well. We can party some time

[CherryBomb] Your place or mine? ;-)

[AceHole] Right. Your place is probably your Mom's basement, under about 3 feet of old Pizza boxes

[CherryBomb] And your place is better?

[AceHole] You'll never know. Access me through the recently played list

[CherryBomb] You gonna help gear me up? Dan says you have the corner on amulets. You got a +75-80 all resist?

[AceHole] 70 is max. Noob

[CherryBomb] Why are you mean to me?

[AceHole] I hate f*cking neckbeards pretending to be hot chicks just to scam gear

[CherryBomb] I never said I was hot, and I am a 'chick'

[AceHole] Tits or GTFO

That shut him up. Or so I thought.

[CherryBomb] Skype. CherryB0mb22. Now!

This should be interesting. I escaped to menus, and alt-tabbed out.

Two minutes later I had Skype up, calling CherryB0mb22. The video chat window popped open. Fuck. Me.

Not possible. She was a little hottie. Geek glasses. Ultra-tight T-shirt showing some serious assets. Headset looked like the new Astro A40. Nice.

"Believe me now?" she asked, smirking.

"Nice try. How much is he paying you to pose for him?"

She looked more than a little irritated. "You saying I can't play 'cause I'm a girl?"

"I'm saying nobody that looks like that plays Diablo III eight hours a day."