The coffee shop. Jerry is sitting alone in a booth reading the menu, which he knows by heart.

Elaine Benes walked into the coffee shop at the usual time and sat down across from Jerry Seinfeld in their usual booth.

"Hi Elaine."

"Hi Jerry."

The big, pink-uniformed waitress came over, poured them both coffee, and asked "What'll it be?"

"The usual."

"The usual."

The waitress nodded and shuffled away.

"So how's it going?" asked Jerry. "You look kinda tired. Hot date last night?"

Elaine shook her head and made a face, her thick, dark hair swishing back and forth. "No date. I just went out with a girlfriend - Alyssa, from Pendant publishing. She works for an internet company now. Remember her?"

"Let's see: about five-five, a hundred and ten pounds, long blond hair, cute little button nose, great body, worked in accounting?"

"Yeah, that's right," she snorted. "You know, how well a guy remembers a woman is directly proportional to how attractive she is, isn't it?"

Jerry nodded and raised his eyebrows. "Now that you mention it, that's exactly right. Very perceptive of you."

"Thanks." She stirred her coffee for a few seconds, and said rhetorically "So you think Alyssa is attractive."

"Yes, she's quite comely, as a matter of fact. I wanted to ask her out, but you wouldn't let me, remember?"

"Right, it was too soon after we broke up."

"It was two years after we broke up!"

"Was it? Sorry."

"Yeah well, she wasn't really my type anyway. She's kind of a giggler, as I recall. A little giggling is OK, but I really prefer a regular laugh to a giggle."

Elaine shook her head wonderingly and said "And you wonder why you're still single."

"I'm a comedian, Elaine - the laugh is important. So why do you bring it up? Did she ask about me?"

"Nope." Elaine looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, and then leaned closer across the table. "I'm going to tell you something, but you've got to put it in the vault, all right?"

Jerry made a zipping motion across his lips. "In the vault, you got it."

"OK. Alyssa and I went out to dinner, and then we went out to a bar and had some drinks. We talked about all the problems we had with men, what losers they all are, that sort of thing. We both got a little tipsy."

"This is just fascinating, Elaine."

"OK, ok. Alyssa started telling me how she had a crush on this girl back in college, and now she was wondering if maybe she was a closet lesbian and that's why she can't find a man she's happy with. She's kind of a touchy-feely type, and while she was telling me this she put her hand on my knee." Her voice fell to a near-whisper. "And it tingled."

"What?"

"It tingled."

"What tingled? Your knee?"

Elaine looked annoyed. "It. Tingled," she said a little louder.

Jerry's eyes suddenly got wide. "Ohhhhh! It tingled!"

"Shhhhh!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It definitely tingled."

"Doesn't it sometimes just tingle, sort of randomly?"

"No, not like this. This was a more purposeful tingle."

Jerry nodded thoughtfully. "Uh, just so we're clear, we're talking about your pussy, right?"

"Yes, Jerry, we're talking about my pussy."

Neither of them had seen Kramer walk into the coffee shop.

"Hey! What are you two talking about? You look like you're planning a crime or something, all hunched over the table like that."

Elaine jerked upright, spilling her coffee. She put her hand on her chest and said "God, Kramer, you scared the hell out of me. Do you have to yell?"

Kramer slid in next to Jerry. "So what are you talking about?"

Jerry said "Well, as a matter of fact, we were on the extremely interesting subject of -"

Elaine gave him a look that could have cut through steel.

"- dandruff," he finished smoothly. "I mean, when you use one of those medicated shampoos do you really have to feel that little tingle to know it's working? Can't it just work without that special little tingle?"

Elaine gave him a dirty look, but then had to laugh.

"No, no, no," said Kramer. "You don't want to use that stuff. Orange juice mixed with heavy cream - that's the best thing for dandruff."

"Oh, right, that sounds like something I want to put in my hair," said Jerry.

The subject having been successfully changed, they chatted for a little while and then Kramer looked at his watch.

"I gotta run. Time to pick up my new computer." He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I'm very excited."

"I didn't know you were into computers," said Elaine.

"Well, I wasn't - I thought they were just big paperweights. But I was over at Newman's apartment the other day and he really opened my eyes to the possibilities. Did you know you can see pictures of people having sex right on your screen?"

"Yes Kramer," said Elaine with distaste. "Everyone knows that."

"Well, nobody told me. I'll see you two later." He finished his coffee in one long gulp and headed out.

"Nice of him to drop by for a chat," said Elaine sarcastically.

"The good news is, he won't come out of his apartment for weeks now. Now, where were we ... oh yes! You were telling me about your lesbian experience with Alyssa."

"Very funny. Nothing happened, of course. But now I can't stop thinking about it."

"Look, what's the big deal? You know you like men - you've always liked men. You know what team you're on ... why are you so worried?"

"Well, what if I like women too but I just never realized it? I mean, to use your silly metaphor, I've never played for the other team, so how do I know I wouldn't like it?"

"Hmmm - this is interesting. You think you might want to play for both teams at the same time?"

"I'm not doing very well on my current team, Jerry. Maybe if I spent some time in the other league, it would help my game."

He spread his hands apart and said "Well maybe it would. Tell me, are you attracted to Alyssa? Other than the tingle, I mean?"

Elaine scrunched up her face and looked at him for a few seconds. "Yeah, I guess I am. I can't believe I'm telling you this. I really shouldn't be telling you this."

"It always helps to talk about these things, Elaine. In my opinion, I think it would be healthy for you to explore these new urges. And when you do, I'll be here for you, to help you sort out your feelings."

She gave him a disgusted look. "You just want me to have sex with a woman and then tell you all the details."

"You've got me all wrong! I'm just here for you, as a friend!" The wide smile on his face didn't help his case.

"Well, there's one major problem with this scenario."

"You don't know if Alyssa is attracted to you?"

Elaine looked at him like he was crazy. "Why wouldn't she be? Of course she's attracted to me."

Jerry put his hands up defensively and said "Of course she would be. I'm sure she is. I don't know what I was thinking."

"The problem is that I set her up on a date with George."

Jerry almost choked on his coffee. "You what! Why?"

"I don't know ... she was telling me how she was tired of dating the same kind of guy all the time, how she wanted to try something different. I didn't realize until later that she was talking about women! So for some reason I mentioned George."

"Well, he's certainly different, all right. Is Alyssa really that desperate, that she would agree to go out with George?"

"Well, it's not I like I told her George was a loser ... I think I told her he was 'refreshingly unassuming', and she thought that sounded terrific."

"'Refreshingly unassuming' - nicely put. I guess you probably forgot to mention he was unemployed and living with his parents."

"I must have been really hammered," moaned Elaine, shaking her head. "I can't believe this - I'm actually competing with George Costanza for a woman. Just shoot me, will you?"

Jerry patted her hand and said "Don't be so hard on yourself, Lanie. This could actually work out to your benefit. If she isn't a lesbian now, a few dates with George will do the trick. I bet Alyssa dumps George after one date and then you can move right in."

A quiet Chinese restaurant. George is sitting across a food-strewn table from an attractive blond woman.

George Costanza narrowed his eyes and looked suspiciously at the attractive blonde seated across from him.

"You do?"

"Yes, George - I think it's really nice that you live with your parents. I mean, it must be wonderful for them to have you around all the time."

"Oh, absolutely." He nodded solemnly, and his voice took on a self-important tone. "They need me, Alyssa. My mother is always saying: 'Georgie' - she calls me Georgie - 'Georgie, it's so good of you to live with us. I don't know what we would ever do if you moved out.'"

Alyssa nodded, a little glint of desperation in her eyes. "That's really touching, George."

'Touching, my ass - it's pathetic, ' she thought to herself. As George launched into a discussion of his parents' finer qualities, she forced herself to smile and nod. What did Elaine see in this guy, anyway? Elaine was so funny, so smart, so ... sexy. And George -

" ... they keep offering to move down to Florida, to 'get out of my way', but I won't hear of it - as if your own beloved parents could ever be a bother! I tell them that it's an honor to share the same roof with them, that..."

George was a loser. But if this was what it took to get closer to Elaine, then this was what she would do.

"You want to go back to my place, George?" she asked abruptly.

George looked at her like she was putting him on. "Your place?"

"Well, much as I'd love to meet your parents, I think we might feel more comfortable..." She raised her eyebrow meaningfully.

"Right. Right! Your place! Sure, your place would be good. What am I saying, good - it would be great! I mean, not great in the sense that I'm expecting, uh, that we're going to -"

"OK, let's go," she interrupted mercifully.

"Right."

A short time later, in Alyssa's nicely decorated apartment.

Alyssa didn't waste any time seducing George. As soon as she closed the front door, she put her arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips. George was too startled to respond.

"I always like to have sex early in the relationship," she said, unbuttoning her blouse. "Otherwise it just sort of gets in the way, don't you think?"

"Absolutely," croaked George. "That's my philosophy exactly."

"Well then, the bedroom is this way."

In the back of his mind, George was thinking this was much too good to be true: there had to be a catch somewhere. He cautiously followed Alyssa into her bedroom, and watched admiringly as she took off her blouse and then her skirt, revealing her matching black panties and bra. Her body was even better than he had expected: large, round breasts, a narrow waist, lush womanly hips ... raising his eyes from her cleavage, he noticed that she was looking at him expectantly, and he realized he was still fully dressed.

"Oh - sorry. I guess I'm a little behind." He gave her what he hoped was an elegant smile and began undressing, starting with his parka. As he lowered his pants, he wished that he hadn't worn his Sylvester and Tweetie boxer shorts.

Alyssa came over and put her arms around him again, and this time George kissed her back in a long passionate embrace. They both felt his erection poking her in the stomach, and she reached down and pulled his cock out of the flap in the boxer shorts. Looking down, it appeared to her that Tweetie bird was perched on George's modest appendage, and she had to choke off a laugh.

"Let's get these boxers off, shall we?"

She helped him get out of the shorts, and then she kneeled in front of him. Summoning her resolve, she took his cock into her mouth in one gulp.

"Sweet Jesus!" said George.

Alyssa sucked his cock expertly for a few minutes, until she had him moaning and bucking his hips. Then, not wanting him to come in her mouth, she stood up and then reached behind her back and unhooked her bra. George caught his breath in anticipation of seeing her naked.

"There's just one thing, before we go any farther," she said, holding the bra against her breasts with both hands. "I'm a little nervous to tell you this..."

George, who still had a nagging feeling that things were going much too smoothly, steeled himself for the worst. 'Please, please, please, don't tell me you used to be a man, ' he thought to himself.

He swallowed hard and said "What is it?"

Jerry's apartment - George and Jerry are talking.

"Oh my God!" said Jerry, his eyes wide. "You're kidding! Nipple rings?"

"In both nipples," said George, beaming. "And she was actually worried that I might find it unattractive!"

"Perish the thought!"

"Now a penis - that would be unattractive."

"Very much so," agreed Jerry.

"But nipple rings are hot." George jumped up from the couch, too excited to sit still. "I'm busting, Jerry, just busting! She's unbelievable! I think she might be the one. I owe Elaine big-time for this."

"Elaine will be so thrilled for you. You know how she loves to make other people happy." The irony in Jerry's voice went right over George's head.

"Alyssa even got me a job at her company, can you believe that? I got a job and a girlfriend in the same night."

"A job, really? Doing what?"

"You're looking at the new Erotic Internet Marketing Strategist at Lovenet Communications," said George proudly. "I start tomorrow."

Jerry couldn't help laughing. "The new what? Did you say erotic?"

George nodded. "That's right. They run a bunch of adult web sites. It's a booming business these days, according to Alyssa."

"But you don't know anything about programming web sites. You don't even know very much about sex ... what exactly are you going to be doing?"

Spreading his hands, George said "Who knows - a job's a job. Whatever they want me to do, I'm sure I can handle it."

Just then the door opened and Kramer, Jerry's lanky neighbor from across the hall, walked in. He was bare-chested and was muttering to himself distractedly. Ignoring Jerry and George completely, he walked over to the paper towel dispenser and pulled off several sheets.

"Help yourself, Kramer," said Jerry dryly. "Mi casa, su casa."

"Oh ... thanks Jerry. I'm completely out." He sliced his arm through the air for emphasis. Then he took the entire roll of paper towels off the dispenser and took it with him back to his apartment.

"What's with him?" asked George.

"That was your number-one customer, right there. He just bought a computer, and he's been doing nothing but surfing the net for porn for the last two days. His Visa bill this month is going to be staggering."

"You see? This is big business! Alyssa says there's a ton of money to be made in this field. And I'm going to be a player, Jerry. A major player."

"Yeah, you're a player all right."

The door opened again, and this time it was Elaine.

"Elaine! My buddy!" George ran over to her and gave her a bear hug. "Alyssa is great! Were going out! She's perfect for me ... you're brilliant!"

Elaine extricated herself from the hug. "What? What are you talking about? You and Alyssa are dating?"

"They slept together last night," announced Jerry with a smirk.

Elaine looked back and forth between them, horror-stricken. "You slept with Alyssa?"

"That's right," said George. "I think she might be the one ... and I owe it all to you." He looked a little confused at Elaine's negative reaction.

"Isn't that fantastic, Elaine?" said Jerry cheerfully. "They slept together! Wild, uninhibited sex!" He was taking a sadistic pleasure in this.

Elaine was biting her lip and staring at George like she wanted to kill him. "Yeah, that's ... great." she said with an effort.

"I thought you would be happy," said George. "You don't look happy."

"I'm delighted," said Elaine bitterly, collapsing onto the couch.

George snorted. "Well, you certainly don't look it." He looked over at Jerry, who shrugged theatrically and said "Women."

George headed for the door. "Well, I have to go. Elaine, Alyssa told me to say hi for her."

Elaine looked up. "She did?"

George nodded. "She talked about you a lot, actually."

"Really? What did she say?"

"Oh, lots of stuff. What a good friend you are, how funny you are, how much she likes you. She said she wishes she could spend more time with you."

Elaine shot a triumphant look at Jerry. "Well, it was very nice for her to say all that! Be sure and tell her that I say hi right back at her."

"Right back at her," repeated George, glad to see that Elaine was cheering up. "You got it."

When George had left, Jerry looked at Elaine and said "Well, well. This is an unexpected development."

"Don't you see what's happening, Jerry? Alyssa is just dating George so she can see me!"

"I don't know, how can you be so sure? Maybe she really likes George."

Elaine just stared at him.

"No, I guess not. Silly me. So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know ... this is kind of awkward. You think I should call her?"

"Absolutely! This poor, tortured woman is having sex with George just so maybe, just maybe, she can hear your voice. Don't let her suffer a minute longer." He picked up his cordless phone and handed it to her.

"You're right - I should call her." Elaine got up from the couch and handed Jerry the phone back with a smile. "From the privacy of my own apartment, Mr. Busybody."

Jerry gritted his teeth in frustration as she left.

A corporate office. A teenage boy in a three-piece suit is sitting at a big mahogany desk. George is sitting across from him, looking uncomfortable. On the walls, clashing with the corporate decor, are several posters of nude women.

Arnie Kitzenburger, the head of internet marketing for Lovenet Communications, shook his head slowly as he scanned down the sheet of paper in his hand. George felt like getting up from his swivel chair and throttling the condescending little twerp.

"I don't know George, is this the best you can do? These slogans aren't very catchy." His high-pitched voice took on a sarcastic tone. "You were told that the slogans should be catchy, weren't you?"

"Yes. Yes, Mr. Kitzenburger, I believe the word 'catchy' was mentioned," said George, laughing awkwardly. Inside he was seething - how old was this little nerd, anyway? Sixteen? Not old enough to shave, that was for sure.

The young man read aloud from the sheet: "Come see our hot naked women. Our babes are hard to beat. Sexiest chicks on the net." He laid the sheet down on his desk and stared at George owlishly through his glasses, which were much too big for his face.

"These slogans aren't the least bit catchy. They are positively uncatchy! No one looking through a newsgroup or reading their morning email is going to be intrigued or amused by this lifeless drivel. It isn't even graphic! No mention of orgasms, or sperm, or even tits."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kitzenburger," said George, who was a pro at groveling. "It is my first day, after all. I'll get back to work, and come up with something better for you tomorrow."

"See that you do, George. Or you won't last long at Lovenet Communications. Dismissed."

Elaine and Alyssa are sitting in a restaurant together.

"I'm so glad you called me last night," said Alyssa, smiling at Elaine and taking a sip of wine.

"Well, after you said such nice things about me to George ... I thought it would be nice if we saw each other more regularly."

Alyssa looked down at her plate. "Actually, I was worried that I turned you off the other night, telling you all that stuff about how I was attracted to women. I must have been pretty drunk."

"Oh that," said Elaine, blushing. "No, that didn't turn me off, Alyssa. Really, that didn't bother me at all."

Alyssa smiled at her, making eye contact. "Well that's a relief."

Elaine swallowed nervously. This was difficult. "So George tells me you two really hit it off the other night. That's really great."

Alyssa made a little face. "Well, I don't know. George and I..."

There was a pause, and then she said "Elaine, I have a confession to make. I didn't really want to go out with George. I just did it because..."

"Because what?" urged Elaine.

"Because I wanted to be with you. You told me how you and George and Jerry and that other guy, the weird guy, always hang out ... I thought if I was dating George, I would see you more often."

"Are you saying... ?"

Alyssa nodded. "Yes. I'm sorry if I'm making you feel uncomfortable. But I want you to know that I have a crush on you."

"Alyssa..." Elaine was, for once in her life, at a loss for words. "I'm not sure, but I think I'm attracted to you too. It's just that I'm not ... I don't ... I've never..."

"There's always a first time." Alyssa reached out and took Elaine's hand.

"Oh! There it is again," said Elaine with a giggle.

"There's what?"

"The tingle."

"Ohhh, the tingle!" Alyssa winked at her. "I've got one too. You know, my apartment is just two blocks away..."

"Don't take this the wrong way," said Elaine. "But I really think I need a few more drinks first."

Alyssa giggled and squeezed her hand. "You and me both. Waiter!"

Jerry's apartment. George is sitting despondently on the couch.

"Tough day at the office?" asked Jerry.

"It was awful," moaned George. "My first day on the job, and they actually wanted me to do some work! No easing-in period, no time to arrange my desk and settle in ... they wanted results!" He took off his glasses and rubbed his face. "I'm already in danger of being fired."

"Sounds like a real sweatshop. What do they have you doing?"

"Writing advertising slogans for their adult web sites. Short, catchy little phrases to induce people to log on and spend their money. My boss is this teenage dweeb who didn't like anything I wrote."

"Advertising slogans?" said Jerry suspiciously.

"Right. They put them everywhere - newsgroups, banners on other web sites ... they even email them to people."

"George, that's spam!" Jerry's voice became shrill with emotion. "Don't you know what's happening here? They're turning you into a spammer!"

George looked at him like he was crazy. "A spammer? What are you talking about?"

"Spam! It's the scourge of the internet! I log into my comedy newsgroup, and it's crammed so full of this stuff you can't find the real messages. Sperm this! Anal that! Teenage bimbos in heat!" He stopped to catch his breath.

"Take it easy, Jerry. It's just a job."

"Just a job! George, you have to quit. If this gets out, you'll be an outcast from society - a pariah. Everyone hates spam. Especially dirty spam."

"I can't quit. Alyssa got me this job, remember? If I quit she'll dump me like a week-old egg salad sandwich. Besides, how would becoming an outcast from society change my life?"

"Well..." Jerry realized he couldn't think of a single thing. George was basically on the fringes of society already.

"I just think that you -"

Just then the door opened and Kramer stumbled in, wearing nothing but a pair of stained polyester slacks. He looked around the apartment with glazed eyes, ignoring Jerry and George, until he spotted Jerry's computer in the corner of the living room. He walked over to it and unplugged the keyboard.

"My keyboard is, uh, on the fritz," he mumbled. He tucked Jerry's keyboard under his arm and headed back into his apartment, banging into the doorway as he left.

"How do you like that?" said George. "Not even so much as a hello."

"How do you think I like it?" said Jerry, shaking his head.

"Listen Jerry, I was really hoping you would help me with these slogans. You're funny and creative - I bet you could come up with some terrific ones right off the top of your head."

"Well, let's see ... How about 'Come see us exploit young women!' ... or maybe 'We're taking over the internet - join us or die!'..."

"Very funny," said George tiredly.

From across the hall they heard Kramer's voice: "Oh babeeeeee!"

"You see what this stuff does to people?" lectured Jerry. "It's turned Kramer into a pleasure-seeking zombie. He's like one of those lab rats that chooses the cocaine instead of the food and starves to death."

"I think you're exaggerating a little. These web sites are perfectly legitimate entertainment."

They argued back and forth for a little while, and then the door opened and Kramer walked in again. This time he was fully dressed and looked a little more alert.

"Here he is - the Lawnmower Man himself," said Jerry. "I was afraid you might have been sucked into your computer by now."

"I think I need a little break," said Kramer. "What time is it anyway? I'm starving." He opened Jerry's fridge and started pulling things out randomly and setting them on the counter.

"It's eight-thirty pm, on Wednesday. You've been at it for, let's see, sixty-three hours straight."

"Whoa! Has it been that long? No wonder I'm hungry." Kramer quickly slapped together a big, messy sandwich and sat down next to George on the couch. "So what's going on? Did I miss anything?"

"You missed plenty," said George. "I have a new girlfriend and a new job, thanks to Elaine. But I'm going to lose the job, and probably the girlfriend, because Jerry refuses to help me out."

"What kind of a job?" asked Kramer, through a mouthful of food.

"Erotic Internet Marketing Strategist."

Kramer nodded knowingly, swallowed, and said "Spam."

"You see?" said Jerry. "Even Kramer knows about spam."

"Oh, I know spam," agreed Kramer.

George said, "Jerry thinks that adult web sites are evil and immoral, and he refuses to help me out. What do you think, Kramer?"

"Oh right," said Jerry. "Let's ask the addict. Nothing like an unbiased opinion."

"What do I think?" said Kramer. He got a faraway look in his eyes. "Cum guzzling teens ... Big-breasted whores who love it in the ass ... Barely-legal sluts who want to suck me off..." He shook his head reflectively, a little smile on his face. "It's all good."

"Disgusting," said Jerry, cringing.

"Hey Kramer, that's not half-bad," said George. He reached for a pad of paper and a pencil. "In fact, it's much better than anything I came up with today at work." He jotted down some notes. "Maybe I'm asking the wrong guy for help."

"Maybe you are," said Kramer. "I bet I could help you out."

"Ha! Now you're talking," said George gleefully. He clapped his hands together and shouted "I'm back in business, baby!"

"I don't believe this," said Jerry. "I really don't."

"Just a second, George," said Kramer. "What do I get out of this deal?"

"Um, I don't know ... my undying gratitude?"

"No, no, that won't pay the piper. I need free access to your company's web sites. I've racked up fourteen thousand dollars in fees already - my credit cards are maxed out."

"You got it," said George. "They gave me a private access code you can use as much as you want."

"Giddyup! Put her there, partner." Kramer shook George's hand vigorously, causing a mustard-covered pickle to fly out of his sandwich onto the couch.

"That's it!" said Jerry angrily. "Out of my apartment, the both of you. I'm not going to stand around watching while you destroy civilization as we know it."

"Not a problem," said Kramer calmly. "We'll just step over to my place." He and George disappeared across the hall, already deep in discussion.

Elaine and Alyssa are walking along the street, weaving a little and giggling like schoolgirls.

"I can't believe you ordered a pitcher of margaritas," said Elaine. "Did you want me to be unconscious for this?" She bumped her hip into Alyssa, almost knocking her down, and they both started laughing. Although certainly tipsy, neither was quite as drunk they were pretending to be.

"Hey, I drank just as much as you," said Alyssa. "Come on, this is one of the advantages of living in the city without a car - you can go out and get drunk whenever you want - no worries about DWI."

Elaine burst into a fresh gale of laughter. "I'm surprised they haven't based a tourism campaign on that. 'Come to the Big Apple and get Shitfaced'".

"Here's my building," said Alyssa. They went into the lobby and stumbled onto the waiting elevator, and Alyssa hit the button for the seventh floor.

"Slowest elevator in New York," she said.

"Too bad," said Elaine. They were standing elbow to elbow facing the front of the elevator, and she leaned against Alyssa until they were pressed close together with Alyssa's shoulders against the wall. She could smell Alyssa's perfume, and the not- unpleasant smell of lime and tequila on her breath.