Chapter 55: Healing Wounds

“Paul?” Collin asked.

My mind had wondered.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “What was that?”

“I asked if you agreed with the analysis on the hardening rates,” Collin replied.

We were going over the latest data from the test casting of the lunar building materials we had developed for use in-place on the lunar surface. The last mission -- before the on-orbit emergency had put a stop to using chemical landing rockets -- had provided more data on the setting process as well as the self-adhesion rates to multistage castings.

I nodded for the video camera. “Yes, it looks good. We’ll want to re-test and make sure nothing has changed on the next visit, but I think we’ve got a potential winner here.”

Collin nodded and sat back.

“You seem distracted, Paul.”

I sighed. I was distracted. My nights had become filled with hours of matrix math theory and how it applied to the quantum state in very strong magnetic fields. I felt I was at a dead-end on my theoretical approach. I had put more of my free time into the math, knowing there had to be a way to go back once again, but finding little hope in the details.

“I’m just worried we’re rushing ahead too fast,” I replied. “Now that we’ve got a lower thrust fusion engine, I want to make sure we convert the OTVs and do them right. At the same time, we’re chomping at the bit to get back and finalize these findings, so we can break ground on a permanent base, and were hurrying repairs on Astra so we can finish its build out and start it spinning. We’ve got a lot going on.”

“But we’ve got a lot of good people watching over everything as well. Maybe you need a little break. Why don’t you bring the kids down for their winter break? Spend a little time here at Learmonth. You know, Jyl and I would love to see them and you. Besides, when was the last time you really took a break?”

That brought back memories. Imogene and I had first met nearly two-and-a-half years ago. Jeryl and Alison had died nearly a year before that. Where had the time gone? When would the healing come? Was it time to give up hope on a break in theory?

“That might be a plan,” I finally said. “I think Mom and Jim wanted to share Christmas with the kids, so let me see what their plans are.”

“Jyl’s folks are coming down here,” Collin informed me. “I’m sure that set of grandparents would be happy to play host if you need some help.”

That set me of on another string of thoughts. I’d spent less than three days with Janet and Jerry since the memorial service. I just could not bear to face them. The kids still saw them on a regular basis, but my own guilt kept me away from them. My only job had been to keep their daughter safe. I had failed them.

“Like I said, let me check with the kids and my folks and I’ll let you know. We’ve never really done a southern hemisphere Christmas before.”

Collin laughed. “It’s like being in Hawaii. You get used to pictures of Santa Clause in a swimsuit.”

I chuckled, and we ended the call. I stood up and stretched before walking out of my office in Park City. Tamara saw me and came out from her own office.

“What’s up, boss?”

“Just stretching my legs. How are things going?”

The question seemed to catch her off-guard. “What do you mean?”

I shrugged. “How are things going,” I said again. “What are you working on? What obstacles do you see? How are the new PAs doing? How are repairs on Astra going? You know, what’s up?”

“Paul, we covered most of that in the morning briefing. Are you feeling alright?” She looked around the office, as if to see who else might be listening. At the moment, the desks nearest our offices were empty.

“I’m feeling...” I realized I didn’t actually know how I was feeling. “Shit,” I turned back into my office and Tamara followed me. She closed the door behind her.

“What’s going on, Paul? What can I do to help?” I could hear the genuine concern in her voice.

“I’ve lost something, some drive, some passion, and I don’t know how to get it back,” I finally said. “The new fusion engines were the last big problem for us to solve. Everything else feels like engineering and management. We’ve got a roadmap for the next decade, and none of it requires new research and development. None of it requires me. With Jeryl, that would have been enough, but without her, I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Tamara moved closer and gave me a hug. She wasn’t an employee making a pass or offering something, she was a friend offering support. I hugged her back, thanking her for her offering.

After a moment, we separated.

“Thanks,” I said.

She nodded, frowned, and then gave a little shake of her head, as if debating herself before speaking.

“Paul, I know a part of you died with Jeryl. Everyone who saw the two of you together knows that. I’ve seen you throw yourself into projects and ‘engineering and management’ as you call it to give yourself time to not think about what you’ve lost. I’ve seen you throw yourself into a relationship to try and fill the emptiness you feel. I’ve seen you grow a more meaningful relationship with your kids, trying to fill two sets of parent’s shoes with them. I’ve always wondered when you would realize looking outward was not going to answer your needs.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jeryl’s gone, and not coming back. You know that intellectually, but still haven’t accepted it emotionally. There is some tiny part of you thinking that you can do something to recapture what’s lost, but you don’t know what it is. I think that’s why you are pushing some of your closest friends and supporters away; that if you are just free from distractions, you can figure that problem out, but it’s not really a problem you can solve.”

But I had changed the past once, I thought to myself.

“Who am I pushing away?”

“Jim, your mother, Kelly, Jeryl’s family, Lila and Hunter, Billy, Tom, everyone who wants to support you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You and Jeryl used to bring everyone together at holidays or for special occasions. Do you remember the Atlanta Olympics? You made it possible for everyone to experience something special that few people in the world are given the opportunity to see in person. It was busy and demanding to make the schedules work, but you did it, and everyone loved you for it.”

She paused and took a breath. “Now, you won’t talk to Kelly, you avoid spending any time with Jeryl’s parents, you’ve been in the same location with your mother and Jim for less than a dozen days over the past two years, and you have your closest work friends scattered to the four corners of the world.”

I scoffed. “It’s not like that. We’re all just busy.”

She shook her head. “It is exactly like that. I have requests that show up at least once a week in the morning briefings for personal interactions with you, and you de-prioritize them all. I thought you were turning a corner with Imogene last Fourth of July, but that all crumbled this fall. The closest you’ve come to acting like your old self was some of the guest appearances on ‘The Olympic Interns” filming. For a few minutes, I saw the old spark of you.”

“They’re a good group of kids,” I said. I had enjoyed interacting with them during the taping, I admitted. I was actually looking forward to teaching a class in the spring.

“Then do more of that, or something similar. You need to make time for people in your life, and if you don’t have enough of them, you need to find some more friends.”

She looked startled at her own words.

“Okay,” I said after a moment’s thought.

“Okay?”

I nodded. She was right, and I knew it when it was pointed out to me. Jeryl used to do that sort of thing for me. It was part of what I was missing, part of what I wanted to recapture so desperately.

“It’s December sixth. I want a companywide holiday, with pay from the twentieth through January fourth. That includes you, Allen, and all the other PAs.”

“What about folks on orbit?” she asked.

“They can have the same time off on their return. Have Allen organize shift work for orbital operations teams. Maybe have each control location take oversight for a week or something. That way they can all get a break as well. Non-essential work in orbit stops, so we should have a manageable risk profile.”

She nodded, making some notes.

“Next, arrange a GOT for my folks and Jeryl’s folks to head down to Learmonth around the same time. See what their prior travel plans were and adjust them. Then get the Sydney house opened up. Hire local staff and get them vetted, but invite Philip to visit as a family friend, not as a chef.”

“What dates for Sydney?” Tamara asked.

I pulled up a calendar. “Invite Jyl, Collin, Janet and Jerry to join us on the twenty-fourth. We’ll have Christmas in Sydney and then on Boxing Day, we’ll watch the start of the Sydney to Hobart yacht race. They can stay at the house as long as they want, afterward.”

“Okay.”

“You and Allen are invited, but I understand if you both want a little break from me,” I said.

Tamara smiled. “Thank you, but we’re good. We’re going down to San Diego and spending time with my family. His folks are joining us as well.”

“That sounds nice,” I said.

“We’ve already planned and handled year-end bonuses,” I continued, “but I want to send a personal gift to the entire staff. How many people are on staff right now?”

Tamara pulled up our HR files on her tablet. “PT Innovations and its wholly owned subsidiaries are just under twenty thousand employees right now.”

“Send everyone a two-thousand-dollar gift from me. We’ll have to pay the gift tax on it, but I can afford it,” I said with a laugh.

“Paul, that’s fifty-five million dollars from your personal funds. Are you sure?”

I typed a few commands and passwords into a website and then pointed at the amount on the monitor. “I think I can afford it,” I said confidently. Tamara’s face fell when she saw the amount there. It was all overseas at the moment, but the account I used for large personal expenses had over three hundred million dollars in it. I had several others of nearly the same size.

“You’re the boss,” she said. “And thank you,” she added.

“Merry Christmas and thank you for telling me to get my head out of my ass, in a very professional manner.”

She grinned at me.

“One last thing,” I said. “Arrange lunch for me with Mitt Romney. I want to see what else I can be doing to help the Olympic effort here.”

“Nana!” Ali called when she spotted Janet walking down the beach toward us. My little girl jumped up and ran to give her grandmother a hug. Jer came out of the water and grabbed a towel to dry off and then did the same.

I stood up and brushed the sand off my shorts as the kids dragged her closer. She looked fit, with more wrinkles around her eyes than I remembered. Her dark hair had a few grey streaks in it. She had on khaki capris and a colorful, loose blouse on. I was surprised when she gave me a hug.

“You’re looking good, Paul,” she said.

“You as well. Where’s Jerry?” I asked.

“He’s still changing and chatting with Jyl and Collin. I wanted to come down and feel the sand on my feet.”

We sat down as the kids told her all the things they had been up to in the fall and since coming down to Australia earlier in the week. Janet smiled and nodded and asked questions to keep them talking. I watched in wonder. She was happy to spend time with the kids, even if I was close by. Jerry joined us a little later and the kids were repeating the highlights of their tales.

“The kids are growing like weeds,” Jerry said as they raced back toward the house while the adults took a slower pace.

“They are. Every time I turn around, it seems they are taller or more mature. Ali has started noticing boys, which is enough to keep me up at night.”

Jerry laughed. “Daughters are payback for our younger selves,” he said. “I’m sure Janet can help navigate those waters.”

Janet shook her head. “I don’t know that I’m the right person for that job. I’m not sure I did such a great job with our girls.”

“They all turned out great,” I said.

Thinking of Jeryl brought a lump to my throat. Janet sensed my sudden shift in mood and reached out to give my arm a squeeze.

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

“Stop,” Jerry demanded. “We are all sorry about what happened, Paul. We all miss Jeryl. But we know what happened was not your fault. We all need to do what is best for the kids now. They’re not our only grandchildren, but they are our oldest grandchildren. We know they will want for nothing from a worldly needs perspective, but we know they need more than that.”

Janet was nodding. “We know if you find someone else, it won’t diminish your feelings for Jeryl and the kids. We want you to know that we understand. We just want to make sure you consider the kids in whatever decisions you make.”

“I do,” I said.

“How’s Kelly doing?” I asked as Jim and I manned the grill on the patio at ‘Taylor House’ in Sydney.

“She’s sorry but staying busy. You really lit into her, didn’t you?”

I didn’t hear chastisement in his voice.

“I did. I’m sorry it got to that point, but she crossed a line.”

He nodded. “She missed seeing the kids at Thanksgiving. She missed having a chance to apologize to you in person as well.”

I shrugged.

Jim flipped the chicken on his side of the grill. “Are you going to forgive her?” he asked finally.

It was a good question. Intellectually, I knew I would, but part of me wanted to stay mad at her.

“I’m sure I will, but I haven’t yet,” I said finally. “Let’s get the vegetables on to cook and then I’ll grab the seafood.”

We had a full house and were preparing to enjoy an unconventional Christmas dinner. Philip stepped outside, looking relaxed in a white polo shirt and khaki shorts. He had three beers in his hands.

“I was sent to make sure you two didn’t burn dinner,” he said with a laugh as he handed us beers.

“You aren’t stepping in to cook,” I warned. “You’re here as a guest.”

“No worries, Paul. It looks like you two have everything under control. I really just wanted to come out to get away from all the estrogen inside.”

We laughed. Mom, Janet, Camilla, Jyl, Chrissy, Ali, and Jane were inside getting the rest of the dinner ready. Bluey, Jerry, Collin, and Jer had escaped down the street to the Tarrington’s on some flimsy excuse. Jim and I had been too slow to escape. Grilling became the simple retreat.

“What are they plotting now?” I asked as I finished laying the sliced and seasoned vegetables on the grill before taking the beer Philip offered.

“Not plotting, but grilling Chrissy about modeling. She did that swimsuit shoot for Sports Illustrated over Thanksgiving, and she did a couple of fashion shoots before flying home this week. She said that’s why she didn’t go to her winter formal this year, but I think it had more to do with you, Paul.”

I groaned. “I wasn’t in the mood to be her escort again.”

Jim gave me an arched eyebrow and I explained that I had taken her to several dances as a friend to keep the wolves at bay.

“Such a sacrifice,” Jim said, “taking an international model to dinner and a dance to protect her from those college boys.”

His dry, sarcastic delivery brought me up short.

“She’s too young for me to be anything other than a friend,” I said.

Both men nodded but said nothing.

“Really,” I insisted.

“So, who are you going to date next, then?” Philip asked.

“I’m not really looking to date anyone.”

Philip laughed. “You may not be looking, but trust me, there are plenty of lasses looking at you. You’re officially the richest man in the world and single. Your name shows up in the papers every time your GOT hops around the world. I bet half of the names Chrissy is dropping inside would be jumping your bones if you gave them the time of day.”

“What do you mean?”

“Chrissy was telling everyone how friendly the other models at the shoot were, and how interested they were in learning more about you, from her.”

“Anyone this old man would recognize?” Jim asked.

Philip shrugged. “I don’t know if you follow fashion, but I recognized the names; Kate Moss, Heidi Klum, Carmen Kass, Carolyn Murphy. Chrissy said she was getting tired of answering their questions by the time the shoots were done.”

“Good,” I said as I flipped the vegetables and Jim turned the chicken once more. “Maybe that will be a reason to spend a little less time focused on me, and a little more on her schoolwork.”

“She’s on the dean’s list,” Jim said. “Bluey is very proud of that fact.”

“She’s a smart kid. Okay, let’s not gossip like the hens in there. It’s time to get the seafood cooking.”

The afternoon with family and friends was relaxing and enjoyable. I kept getting small scowls from Chrissy, but only smiled in return. Over the course of dinner and cleaning up, she seemed to get over her huff and actually smiled back.

The purpose of the secret trip to the Tarrington’s was revealed when water balloons and squirt guns came out in the afternoon as the kids played in the pool. Ali and Jane shrieked in delight and managed to ‘accidentally’ target the adults to pull them into the fray. Twenty minutes later, we were all laughing and soaked. Fortunately, everyone had swimsuits on under whatever they were wearing for the day. Jyl and Collin got roped into chicken fights in the pool, so all the kids had an adult to ride as they tried to dunk each other. It looked like the boys were being surrounded by the girls until Collin managed to tip Jane off Chrissy’s shoulders without losing Jer from his own. We more sensible, older adults sat in the sun to dry off, laughing at their antics.

Camilla followed me inside when I went to fetch more drinks.

“Paul, can we talk for a minute?” she asked as soon as the sliding door was closed.

“Of course, Camilla. What about?”

She gave and little frown and then shook her head. “You know Chrissy thinks the world of you, right?”

“I’m fond of her as well.” I already did not like where this was going.

“She’s twenty going on thirty with all the things she has going on,” Camilla continued.

“There were times I felt old at fourteen,” I said, thinking back to my teenage years and living them twice. The second time had been much better. The second time I had Jeryl with me.

“She is convinced you still look at her as the teenager you met four years ago, before she developed like she has.”

I shrugged. “Sometimes, I do,” I admitted. “Other times, I see her as a promising engineering student. Other times, like today, I’m forced to see her as a beautiful young woman.” I paused to watch her climb out of the pool. Her black bikini showing her wonderfully fit body.

I looked back at Camilla. “No matter what I think of her, though, I always remember she is the daughter of dear friends.”

Camilla nodded. “I’m not saying that should change, mind you, but I also think you might want to consider her being more than a child.”

“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said.

“Do you know she turned down twenty-thousand dollars’ worth of modeling work last summer to be able to work on the robotics project here, for no pay? She didn’t even bat an eye at the amount. All she wanted to do was work on that project that you had arranged.”

“She’s a serious student,” I said.

“No,” Camilla said firmly. “I mean, she is, but that’s not why she said ‘no’. She didn’t want to disappoint you. She told me all about the spring formal and how much fun she had talking shop with you and seeing how she could apply what she was learning, but she wanted to apply it to work that mattered to you. Ever since she went to New Orleans with you, she’s been driven to make you proud of her.”

“I’m humbled.”

Camilla laughed. “You shouldn’t be. You’ve inspired a generation of kids with your shows and your achievements. Unfortunately for Chrissy, she sees that allure of fame and achievement and at the same time, sees you throwing water balloons like a kid.”

“How’s that unfortunate? Surely, she knows I’m just as human and she is,” I countered.

“Unfortunate, because she does know you. You should have heard her bragging to her model friends right up until she realized one of them could catch your eye and not be seen as that gawky teenager from four years ago. I was with her for the photo shoots earlier this month. I heard their questions and her responses. If Carmen Kass hadn’t asked if you might be interested in playing a game of chess, I don’t think the penny would have dropped for Chrissy.”

I shook my head. I was totally lost.

“Carmen is a pretty keen chess player, evidently. When she asked Chrissy that, I think Chrissy realized several of them were angling for introductions, not just information.” Camilla sighed. “Look, I want Chrissy to be happy in life. I want you, our dear friend, to find happiness again. If the two of you happen to make each other happy, I want you to know I won’t object. I only ask that you consider Chrissy as a young, adult woman, not a child.”

She grabbed the tray of beers we had filled and headed toward the door before I could respond.

“How’s the engine refit going?” I asked. Tamara and Allen were covering our status on the orbital plans and work. We had broken this update out from my morning briefing since there was so much going on in Allen’s area. I knew he was on top of things but liked having a solid understanding of status before being out-of-pocket for the remainder of the day.

I was teaching at Stanford in the afternoon. Katiana and I would be off to the Heber airport after this briefing completed. The drive to Heber was about twenty minutes while construction on the highway to the Salt Lake Airport was making that drive significantly longer. The GOT would never land at Heber’s strip, but the GS-3 was more practical for other reasons as well. It could make it to Stanford in less than an hour, was conventionally powered, and I had gotten checked out for the co-pilot’s seat after coming back from Australia. It was a secret I had to keep from Ali, or she would be wanting to do the same thing. We had bent the rules of the FAA as far as we could getting her a student pilot’s license before she was ‘officially’ old enough. She had finally started conventional twin engine training with her instructor, but was not going to get a higher rating until she turned sixteen.

“All three OTV’s have their new engines,” Allen said. “‘Tycho Brahe’ is on its way back to lunar orbit as we speak. ‘Selene’ is scheduled for next week with a limited crew to perform a test landing and return.”

“How limited?”

“Two,” Allen answered. “Todd Walton is pilot in command. Tucker Winslow, one of the newly certified OTV pilots, is his flight engineer. Tucker will then rotate to be pilot in command of ‘Artemis’ for the next full mission.”

“How much bigger a load will go on ‘Artemis’?” I asked. Without needing to have three large liquid fuel landing rockets as part of the OTV configuration, we were able to significantly increase the volume available to ferry gear to the lunar surface on any given mission.

“It works out to about forty percent more mass delivered to the lunar surface,” Allen replied. “‘Artemis’ will be taking another construction rover and the station generator module.” He pulled out a sheaf of papers and put them on the table. “Here’s the mission plan for setting the foundation and then starting the boot-strap build out. Power is first, then hab and lab space three months later. We need to decide timing on the first dual OTV mission, so we have a permanent return option before we start full-time staffing.”

“Tamara?” I asked.

“The fall mission at the earliest,” she replied. “Once the rim modules for Astra are all on orbit, we’ll have three custom lift and transit modules and take ‘Selene’ through another re-fit. She’ll be the permanent on-station OTV. ‘Artemis’ and ‘Phoebe’ will be the transit vehicles for crew changes. ‘Selene’ will have a return-to-earth-orbit capacity of fifty-four people.”

I nodded. “We’ll need to always have a flight crew be part of the station staff. I think it’s time to move Megan into VP of Lunar Ops, so she can start planning the staff moves for the build out.”

“I agree,” said Tamara. “I’ll get the paperwork ready. You’ll make the offer to her, right Paul?”

“Yes. Let’s do it before the weekend. Anything else for Orbital Ops?”

“I think that’s it,” Allen replied.

We ended the meeting and Tamara handed me my jacket and bag as I headed for the door. Katiana was bundled up for the cold, waiting. We left the offices and hopped into the warmed and waiting Range Rover for the drive out of Park City and around to Heber.

“All of the construction is starting to be a problem,” Nicole said from her seat next to the driver.

“Why?”

“It limits our routes. I don’t like having only one option to get from the office to the highway or back to the house,” she said.

“I’m not sure we can do much about it,” I said.

Our office complex had been built close to the mountain, behind the golf course. We had paid the city for road improvements and even paid for a lift up the mountain, so people could ski, in-season, before or after work or even over lunch. It was one of the most popular perks we offered. Most of our staff had preempted the building frenzy of the Olympics, greatly boosting the local economy. Now with the further building of the athlete’s village and additional housing for the anticipated staff and visitors, Park City was starting to feel almost crowded.

Pete Welch greeted me professionally, and then handed me the check-list to do the pre-flight while Katiana and Nicole climbed into the jet. Ten minutes later, we were taxiing and soon pointed west with the throttles advanced. Pete, who was also my flight instructor, grilled me on aircraft stats and procedures for the entire flight before having me handle the communications for approach and landing. An hour and ten minutes after leaving the Park City office I was back in a car heading toward Stanford.

“I can’t believe you’re going to fly out here every week for the whole semester,” Chrissy said with a smile.

She had been waiting as I left the small seminar room in the school of engineering. It had been a packed room since several faculty had decided to sit in on the introductory portion of the course to learn more about how the fusion generators worked. I remembered her mother’s words and smiled back.

“But no dinner and dancing for you on these trips,” I said in what was hopefully a teasing voice. “I’m faculty now and have to abide by the code of conduct. Hopefully, I won’t have to report you to the dean.”

She frowned.

“That’s so unfair. What about spring formal?”

“What’s the date?”

She told me.

“The seminar doesn’t have a final, so I’ll be done teaching the Thursday before hand. I might be available to escort you to your formal.”

She beamed.

“So, what can I do between now and then?” she asked. “I guess, I’ll just have to throw some of my non-student friends at you and then get them to do the teasing for me. Maybe I should invite them all back here after the Sports Illustrated launch party,” she teased. She had found out she was in the swimsuit issue and might even be on the cover.

I put a mock scowl on my face. “You do plenty well teasing me without bringing in outside reinforcements.”

“Oh, no. If you are going to tease me by treating me like a student, then I’m going to tease you right back. When are your office hours?”

I hadn’t thought about that.

“I guess I’ll need to set some up. I’ll have to email the people actually enrolled in the course, and I’ll warn them to not tell you, so I don’t get roped into helping you with your homework.”

She laughed. “That’s a good idea. It is going to be nice to see you a bit more frequently. I’d like to discuss the 3-d printing robot with you. I’m thinking about using some of that for my senior project next year.”

“We’ve got the formulation for use on the moon finalized. We’re also sending up a test fabrication robot on the next mission. We’ve got some concerns about dispersal in a vacuum and with only a sixth-of-a-gee field. Our first structure is going to use an inflatable framework and apply the compound with the robot to cover it.”

“Cool. Any chance I could watch?”

“Have you been through our zero-g orientation course yet?” I asked.

She swatted my arm. “I mean via remote telemetry, not in person.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“We’re entering an inflationary cycle,” Bob Rubin, the current Secretary of the Treasury said.

I had been ‘invited’ to a small group of industry leaders for an economic summit at the White House to discuss the US economy and the President’s economic policy as the political machines geared up for another election cycle.

Al Gore and Kelly would run again, obviously. The Republican Party candidates were already making noise about the economy and rising cost of goods as GDP stayed relatively flat. That had led to the invitation.

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