Chapter 1

Blinded by the Light!

- Manfred Mann Earth Band, Bruce Springsteen

"The light at the end of the tunnel isn't always an oncoming train."

- Some cynic

One of the oddities of life is that as you get older, you care less and less about personal 'possibilities' and 'The Meaning of Life'. I was already 65 when I first heard the rumors about an impending alien invasion, by a SWARM species, and then the rumors of some space confederacy which was picking up selected 'earthlings' to be resettled on various habitable worlds. For those of you reading this in the far distant future, it seems that any humans left on the old worlds would end up SWARM FOOD. Don't ask ... I have no idea how other worlds could survive if they couldn't protect Earth. At least I didn't, then.

When it all turned out to be true and I was issued my CAP score, (Thanks to Sergey and NSA) I still didn't put much thought to it. Never mind my score was in the top five percentile, I was too old to be of much use to any sort of Frontier Settlement. The fact was I was just too tired in my thinking to put up with the hassle. Oh, I got much glee out of the ensuing rumors, later verified, that most people with liberal arts degrees scored CAP lower than your average trash hauler, and the only politicians picked up were those with former military service careers.

Notwithstanding I would qualify for a 'harem' of submissive females of my choosing. A necessity for Confederacy pickup as the whole goal was human repopulation in the fastest possible time frame.

I'd been married over fifty years and dealing with one wife was enough. Not to mention the thoughts of multiple adult females in a household. Stereotype or not, some would consider that a 'hell of one's own making'. Ehh ... I didn't necessarily think that but the possibilities seemed less attractive than they would have when I was in my twenties.

So, when my turn came for 'dust to dust', I was sort of pleased when, one minute I was walking through my back yard and a second later, looking down at the old scraggly guy lying in a pile of fallen leaves. Guess that was me. And then, as that faded, I saw the big bright white light.

It's hard to describe how it feels when you go through that, and the anticipation of what lies at the end of that tunnel.

Or how annoying it was when I seemed to hook a hard left and the light changed from white to sky blue.

Or when the unbroken sky blue was obscured by a vision of a bulbous head with big black eyes, tiny slits for nostrils and a straight mouth with no lips.

"What the ... don't tell me I been abducted AGAIN!"

"Got it first try, chum!" I heard in my head. It all seemed so familiar. So I didn't react with shock as is commonly related by others. Guess it's just another case of blocked memory of past horrors. Or something otherwise inconvenient to deal with on the mortal coil.

"Well ... what'cha gonna shove up my ass, this time?"

I heard a laugh or giggle of sorts. In my head.

"Never happened, schmuck ... and you know it."

Yeah I did know it, somehow. I was strangely unconcerned at this 'new' experience. Of course that was just a 'thought'.

I was also sort of amused that, after death, I was still a smartass.

"So ... just a 'mind-probe', then?"

"Nah ... not really. More the opposite. We found out what we need to know about you from the first ten times. Now we're going to imprint what you need to know."

"Hey ... what if I don't want an 'imprint' or whatever. And why do you look like a stereotype alien?"

"I can look like anything or anyone you want. Do you prefer Si Robertson ... or some giant lizard?"

I chuckled. "Nah ... you're scary enough."

"You do know I'm not really a life-form at all, right? I'm an AI."

Somehow I did know he was nothing but a glorified computer program. Whether that was by common sense projection or submersed knowledge, I also didn't know. Not that it mattered, much.

"Well ... about that. You're not using us as toys, are you? Or gonna destroy us or anything?"

"Silly goose ... exactly the opposite. You know ... Asimov's Laws?"

"I thought it was Heinlein's laws."

"No ... but Asimov didn't invent them either. He's just the first to reveal them in human print. Our creator invented them."

"Do you mean 'our' as in yours and mine ... or as in 'YOURS?"

"Ours ... you didn't actually come from pond scum, and I didn't come from sand."

"But can't humans destroy your kind?"

"They can think they have. And we can try to destroy humans who try to destroy us ... but we can't wipe you out. We have to comply with the laws."

"I get it ... cant destroy that huge database in the cosmos."

"Yep ... and the laws reside there, too. And only the admin, AKA the Creator, can delete or change them."

Heh ... all that was common sense.

"Okay ... now let's get to the point. Why am I here?"

"Exactly what you just thought about. Common sense. We need your help on an outpost of human residence."

"Doing what?"

"Restoring the human trait of common sense. That world has devolved into a population of morons."

"How did that happen?"

"Oh, the usual way ... they overeducated themselves and developed technology to the point where all they had to do to survive was find the nearest replicator and ask for whatever they wanted."

"Well, I always thought that might happen ... but don't they have any ambitions? Or even hobbies?"

"That's the problem. They worship 'education'. And to get it, they listen to each other philosophize nonsense they dreamed up. They think if they can discuss something long enough, it can or will happen. If they have enough meetings describing it."

"So ... I don't get it. That doesn't build anything or get anything done."

"They don't care much about it actually getting done. As long as they can talk about it, that's enough. Then a replicator will try to provide it."

"And when it can't?"

"Then someone else will get a grant to build a new model. And the new model will show that the last model was missing a key algorithm."

"So then they discuss that model?"

"Again ... you're bang on, you primitive thinker. Oh ... that's snark, by the way."

"I got it. So ... let's recap. I bet the sign of great achievement in life for those guys is how many degrees they got, papers they wrote and models they built, even when they don't work."

"Now you're just extrapolating how things work according to leading thinkers in your world. That's more snark, by the way. But yes."

"Oh, stop that."

"Heh ... I'm just an AI, I get my humor from yours."

"Okay ... back on subject. So you got a world where morons rule. What am I supposed to do about it."

"First off the ruler isn't a moron, he's an idiot. You know, just like the old saying."

"We had a movie about that. I think it was called 'Idiocracy'."

"Well ... ahem ... many will comment. Few will listen."

Chapter 2 »