A Seinfeld episode

The intercom next to the front door buzzed, and Jerry Seinfeld got up from his couch, walked across his neat one-bedroom apartment, and pushed the talk button.

"Who is it?"

"It's George."

"Come on up." Jerry buzzed George in, unlocked the door, and then sat back down to continue channel surfing, his favorite leisure activity.

George Costanza came in and plopped down next to him.

"How's it going, Jerry?"

"Not bad, Georgie. What brings you by?" This was more or less a rhetorical question, since George dropped by almost every day after work for no particular reason other than habit, and Jerry wasn't expecting much of a reply.

But George heaved a deep sigh and said, "I want to ask you something, Jerry."

"Shoot."

"When's the last time you got laid? If you don't mind my asking, of course."

Jerry tore his eyes away from the TV and gave George a surprised look.

"When's the last time I got laid?? You came over here to ask me that?"

"I'll tell you the last time I got laid, Jerry." A few moments of silence. "Actually, I can't even remember, which just proves my point. I'm horny, dammit. My basic male needs are not being met."

Jerry shifted a few inches along the couch away from his friend.

"Well, I can't help you there, I'm afraid."

"Don't be ridiculous, Jerry. I haven't seen you dating anyone lately, and I thought maybe you had the same problem I did. Misery loves company, you know."

Jerry thought about it. The truth was, he hadn't had any sex in months either.

"You know, now that you mention it, it's been a while for me too." He shook his head sadly. "You hit the nail on the head - It really is a basic male need, isn't it?"

George nodded. "If only it was also a basic female need, then we wouldn't have this problem. Some people say that women need sex, but I certainly haven't seen much evidence of it."

The intercom buzzed again, and Jerry heaved himself back up off the couch with a sigh.

"Who is it?"

"It's Elaine."

"Come on up."

Jerry sat back down. "She's been coming over here every day after her workout to use my shower," he said. "They installed those low-flow shower heads at her health club."

George shook his head. "How do you like that," he said absently. As a general rule, he preferred to concentrate on his own problems.

"Not very much actually, but what can you do."

Elaine Benes came into the apartment and dropped an enormous gym bag on the floor with a loud thump. She was wearing a tight spandex leotard under a pair of running shorts, and her long brown hair was pulled back by a sweatband. Sweat evaporating from her leotard had caused localized cooling, and her nipples were poking through the spandex.

"Hi Jerry, hi George."

Elaine walked over to the refrigerator, took out a carton of milk, and began drinking like someone who had been lost in the desert for a week. Milk dribbled out of the corner of her mouth, down her throat, and into the cleavage of her leotard. Finally, she lowered the carton and let out a long, satisfied sigh.

"God, I needed that."

She noticed that Jerry and George were staring at her.

"What?" She looked at the empty carton in her hand. "Oh, sorry about the milk. I'll bring you some more tomorrow."

"It's not that," said Jerry finally. "You've got a little milk..." He motioned to his chin.

"Oh, thanks." She wiped her chin with her hand, and then did the same thing to her neck and the upper part of her chest. As she licked the last drops of milk off her fingers, she noticed that they were staring at her again.

"What's with you guys?"

"Nothing, really," said Jerry.

"No, come on - you're both staring at me with funny looks on your faces. What's going on? What were you talking about before I came up?"

Elaine was one of those women who couldn't stand to be left out of a conversation, and Jerry knew she wouldn't be satisfied until she had dragged it out of them.

"George and I were just having sort of a guy talk," he said. "It turns out that neither one of us has ... been with a woman in quite some time. We were sitting here commiserating, and then you waltz in here in that tight outfit and start guzzling milk, letting it run down your neck and between your breasts..."

"I get the point," she interrupted. "You're horny."

"Exactly!" said George, slapping the armrest of the couch for emphasis. "We're horny."

They braced themselves for some teasing from Elaine.

"Well, I'm horny too," she said to their surprise. She made a sour face. "I haven't gotten laid since Fred joined that cult."

Jerry shook his head. "That was such a shame. Fred seemed like a nice guy."

"Well, his name is Ram El, now, and he has forsaken all earthly pleasures, including me. I've had quite a dry spell since then. Sex is a basic female need, you know."

"Aha!" said George. "So at least there's hope."

Elaine looked at them thoughtfully, and then gave them a devilish smile. "Maybe we could sort of ... help each other out. What do you say, Georgie?" Elaine knew George had always had a crush on her.

"That would be fantastic," said George.

"Sounds good to me, too," said Jerry cheerfully. Naturally they assumed she was kidding. But she wasn't.

She came over and squeezed between them on the couch.

"In fact," she said, "I was thinking it would be fun to have sex with both of you guys at once. What do you say?"

George gasped for breath as he realized she was serious. "What do we say? What you think we say?? We say yes!!" He looked over at Jerry for confirmation, but his friend looked doubtful. The comedian was kind of squeamish about trying anything new or different.

Elaine poked Jerry in the ribs. "What's the matter, sport? Not man enough?"

Jerry stood up and paced back and forth. "I don't know about this. I was in this situation once before, and I didn't do it because I thought I would have to start living a whole different lifestyle."

"You didn't do it because you are a moron," muttered George, who had helped Jerry get that previous opportunity and had never forgiven him for passing it up.

"Come on Jerry, live a little," encouraged Elaine. "A little wild sex won't kill you."

"I'll kill you if you don't do it," said George helpfully.

Jerry looked at them and then threw his hands in the air. "OK, OK, what the heck. I'll do it."

"Hot dog!" George clapped his hands together with glee. "This is going to be great!"

"Listen to me, both of you," said Elaine. "I don't want you telling anyone about this. It could really hurt my reputation."

"Our lips are sealed," agreed George immediately.

"Yeah, I've heard you say that before," said Elaine over her shoulder as she went into the bathroom to take her shower. "This time I mean it."

George stared at Jerry in amazement. "Can you believe it?"

Jerry spread his hands out wide and shook his head. "I really can't believe it. Our dear sweet Elaine."

George snorted. "Not when we get through with her." He rubbed his hands together. "Now, we need a plan of action. Who's going to do what, what's going to go where, it's all got to be decided ahead of time."

At that moment, much to George and Jerry's dismay, the door flew open and Kramer burst into the apartment.

"Hiya," he said to both of them. "Jerry, you ready to go?"

"Go where?" asked Jerry distractedly.

"To the grocery store, remember? There's a big fruit sale today and I want to stock up."

Jerry recalled that he had promised his lanky neighbor that he would go food shopping with him this evening. At the moment, it was the last thing he wanted to do. However, he was worried that George would spill the beans to Kramer, and he decided that it might be prudent to separate them.

"OK, Kramer, lets go."

Kramer was looking at George curiously. "What's the matter, buddy? You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

"Nothing's the matter," said George defensively. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh yeah," said Kramer, leaning forward and inspecting George's face closely. "Something's the matter all right."

"Nothing's the matter!" said Jerry desperately. "Now lets go."

Kramer spun around and looked at Jerry intently. "Something's going on here - I can feel it!"

"Kramer, there is nothing going on here," repeated Jerry. His heart sank as he saw that beads of sweat were forming on George's forehead.

Kramer poked his finger into George's chest. "George, there's something going on between you two, and I want to know what it is. Now come on, out with it!"

George swallowed hard. He was visibly trembling as Kramer stared directly into his eyes. "All right, all right ... Jerry and I are going to be in a threesome together."

Jerry shook his head sadly.

Kramer jumped a few inches into the air as if he had been jolted by an electrical socket. "A threesome! That's unbelievable! Who's the lucky lady?"

"No one you know," said George. "And it's none of your business, anyway."

"No, no, no," said Kramer thoughtfully. "You can't fool old Cosmo Kramer. It's someone I know, isn't it?"

Suddenly Kramer heard the shower running, and realization dawned. "It's Elaine! You guys are going to do a threesome with Elaine!" He stared at George accusingly, as if daring him to deny it.

George's face drooped and he stared at the floor. "Yes, it's Elaine," he admitted.

Jerry looked at his watch. "Four minutes. You managed to keep that secret for four whole minutes. Very impressive."

George was too ashamed to speak.

"So, our sweet little Elaine is going to try some wild, uninhibited lovemaking," said Kramer. "Count me in."

"Count you in?!" shouted George.

"Are you crazy?!" chimed in Jerry.

"This isn't like sharing a taxi!" said George angrily. "It's a private matter between the three of us. You can't say anything to Elaine about this, Kramer. If she finds out that you know, it will never happen."

Kramer nodded grudgingly. "OK, OK, I won't say anything."

Just then Elaine walked out of the bathroom with a towel around her head. "Jerry, can I use your hair dryer? Oh, hi Kramer."

"Well, hello there," said Kramer in a low, husky voice.

Elaine stopped in her tracks and stared at Kramer for a few seconds. Then she looked at George. "You told him, didn't you?" George's face told her the answer.

"He held out for four whole minutes," said Jerry. "For George, that's not too bad."

"Well, that's just great," said Elaine angrily. "I guess I'll have to call the whole thing off. I don't want the whole city to know about it."

George shook his head despondently. He appeared to be close to tears. Suddenly, he slapped himself repeatedly on the forehead. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Elaine thought it over briefly. "Unless ... Kramer, you want in?"

"Oh yeah - I want in." Kramer smiled happily.

"OK, we'll do it with Kramer," said Elaine.

"Hallelujah!" shouted George.

"You are going to do all three of us at once?" asked Jerry disbelievingly.

"Sure, why not." She cocked her hip saucily at Jerry. "I have three holes, don't I? Come on, too late to chicken out now."

Jerry shook his head in confusion. This was getting to be a little too much for him. But Elaine was right, it was too late to back out now.

"You know who else you should get in on this?" said Kramer to Elaine.

"I hate to even ask," said Elaine. "But who?"

"Newman," said Kramer with a knowing nod.

"Newman?? Why Newman?" Elaine wrinkled her nose with distaste. Newman was an overweight friend of Kramer's who lived in the building. He and Jerry didn't get along.

"Well, most people don't know this, but Newman is a superb cocksman."

"A what?" asked Elaine, laughing.

"A superb cocksman," repeated Kramer.

"How do you know?" asked George. "Are you just taking his word for it?"

"I've seem him in action," answered Kramer with a meaningful nod.

"That's too much information," said Jerry with disgust.

"No, no," said Kramer. "He was in some movies back in the early eighties. Adult movies."

"Wait a minute," said George. "You're telling me Newman used to be a porno actor? I don't believe it."

"I don't believe it either," said Jerry. "Kramer, you're nuts."

"Oh no, it's true," said Kramer. "Wait right here." He disappeared out the door.

"Superb cocksman," said Jerry thoughtfully. "There's a phrase you don't hear every day."

"I'll say," giggled Elaine.

"It's kind of raunchy and elegant at the same time," said Jerry, switching into his stand-up comedian mode. "You know, I think it would be a good phrase for a personal ad." He pantomimed reading a classified ad. "Single white male, mid thirties, non-smoker, is looking for someone to share special times with. Enjoy reading, rollerblading, and avante garde films. Superb cocksman."

Elaine laughed. "That's pretty good, Jerry. You ought to put that into your act."

"No, I don't think that would go over very well. I've got a reputation as a family comedian, you know."

"Too bad," said Elaine. "It's a lot funnier than most of your stuff."

"Gee, thanks," said Jerry.

Kramer burst back into the apartment carrying a videotape.

"Here it is: 'Hot and Spicy Pizza Girls'! A classic." He popped it into the VCR and started fast forwarding.

"Right up there with 'The Godfather', I'm sure," said Jerry sarcastically.

"Here we go," said Kramer, playing the tape at normal speed. On the screen, a scantily clad woman carrying a pizza box sauntered up to the front of a house and rang the bell. A thin young man with curly brown hair answered the door.

"There he is," said Kramer triumphantly. "That's Newman."

"That's not Newman," said George dismissively.

Elaine leaned in for a closer look. "Oh my God, that IS Newman!"

"About ten thousand bear claws ago," observed Jerry.

"I don't get it," said George with a note of jealousy in his voice. "Why would anyone put Newman in a porno movie?"

"Oh my God," said Elaine, staring wide-eyed at the TV.

"I must say, that's quite impressive," admitted Jerry.

"Quite a piece of equipment he's got there, isn't it," said Kramer proudly. "He really knows how to use it, too."

George shook his head sadly. "I certainly can't compete with that."

Elaine turned off the tape. "I've seen enough," she said. "Newman's in."

Jerry threw up his hands in dismay. "Four guys! How are you going to do four guys at once?"

"We need a plan," said George again. "You can't just rush into these things willy-nilly and expect them to go smoothly."

Jerry gave him a dirty look. "Oh, so you're an expert, now. Well, someone please explain to me how Elaine is going to satisfy four men at once."

Jerry, George, and Kramer launched into an animated discussion. Arguments began, and angry words were exchanged. A sketch pad was used. George, who was secretly afraid that he was going to be stuck with a hand job or an armpit, was particularly vehement.

"SHUT UP, all of you!" Elaine was looking at them accusingly, hands on her hips. They fell silent.

"This is MY orgy and I'll decide who does what."

They listened attentively.

"George, you get my ass."

"Why me?" asked George.

"Well, that's the tightest hole, and it's a very sensitive area. I'm not sure how to put this nicely, George, but I think I would be most comfortable with you in my ass."