Chapter 29: Now What Do We Do?

Rob's turn:

It was hard but I acted as normally as I could this morning in the kitchen. Janice wanted to talk with Kay before I said anything to her about our situation. I didn't sleep well last night; I kept going over the conversation Janice had with me before we came home from the coffee shop last night. I was in love with Kay, at least that was the conclusion that Janice had and she led me to it as well. It was time to call home and talk with Mom and Dad. I picked up the phone.

Dad answered, "Hello, Son, what's up?"

"Dad, I need to talk and you're my best sounding board. Have you got a little time for me right now?"

"This sounds serious; do we need Mom on the phone too?"

"Uh, we might, but not just yet. I need to talk with you man-to-man first."

"Okay, Son, you've got my full attention."

"Dad, I had a birthday party this weekend for Kay. It was a complete surprise and I had a surprise inside the surprise, so to speak, for her. I brought Janice, Kay's mom, out for the party."

"You brought her out from Kansas just for a birthday party?"

"It was Kay's twenty-first and I wanted it to be special for her. Janice had never been out here but both Kay's father and her brother who lives at home had been. I figured it was Janice's turn."

"That was very nice of you. I'm sure both Kay and her mother appreciated it."

"They did and the party was a huge success. Janice is still here and is going to fly home Wednesday. She and I went out to dinner last night. Afterwards we had coffee and a conversation. I need to talk about that conversation."

"Is there a problem? Does she want you to separate yourself from Kay?"

"Actually, Dad, quite the opposite. She and Robert, Kay's father, have concluded that Kay and I are a couple, in the romantic sense. Janice asked me a bunch of questions, many of which I've been asking myself since before we were out to visit you. I answered her as honestly as I could and told her I didn't know what I felt towards Kay."

"You told me the same thing, Son, while you were here in December."

"Yeah, I know, Dad. Janice stopped me in the middle of everything and asked me if I was listening to myself. She was hearing me say I love Kay. She asked me what I was doing to show it to Kay and keep her with me."

"What's your answer to that, have you discussed any of this with Kay?"

"No, I want to but Janice asked me not to. She wants to discuss things with Kay first. That conversation is going to happen today, this afternoon. I'm going to make myself scarce, if I need to, so it can happen."

"Where's the man-to-man part of this conversation? What do you need from me?"

"Dad, according to Janice and Robert, according to you and Mom, and according to everyone who knows Kay and me more than casually, Kay and I ARE a couple. Am I missing something? Am I in love with Kay? Why don't I see it?"

"Are you sure you don't? I mean you see there's something there, don't you? What is it you see, what do you call it?"

"Yes, there's something there but I don't know what it is or what to call it."

"Okay, let me ask you this. If you saw a close friend in this situation what would you call it for him or her?"

Now that was a new question for me. "I don't know, I'd have to think about it."

"When you answer that question, you'll know what to call your situation, your relationship with Kay. I won't give you an answer. I think it would be unfair to you for me to do that. It would be unfair and might influence your answer. I don't want to do that. This is a question you have to answer, you and only you. This is the question no one can answer for anyone other than themselves and no one should try to. I'll talk with you all you want but I won't attempt to answer the question for you."

"Dad, you're not helping."

"Oh, but I think I am. I'm forcing you to look at this rationally and answer the question for yourself. You're a big boy, Son. Somehow you've managed to get to this point in your life without going through the trials, tribulations and heartache of young loves. I'm not saying you're a complete novice at this but normally by the time a man reaches your age, he's settled with a mate or he's confirmed he never will. Which are you?"

"I know what you're saying and I thought I fell into the latter category. I just wasn't finding a woman who was interesting to me, who had a head on her shoulders she was using for more than a hat rack and that I was willing to bring home to you and Mom. Watching you two set a high standard for me and showed me a couple should be able to support each other totally. I don't mean with money but with fulfilling dreams and desires.

"The only other successful example of that I've seen is William and Mary. They've gone through some really tough times and come through them still together. I saw them do it but I never have understood how. I won't give you the particulars. I've known a lot of other couples who didn't stay together when they hit a bump in the road while William and Mary hit a mountain."

"I know some of their story but not all of it and I don't think I need to. They're a good example, though. When one of them can't go on the other carries them and it doesn't matter which is which. Is your relationship with Kay on the same level as theirs? If it's not, is it building to that level? Do you support Kay as fully as William supports Mary? Does Kay support you to the same extent? If one of you fell down would the other pick them up?"

"I think so, Dad. I know I'd do anything I had to, to protect her or to help her. I'm pretty sure she'd do the same for me."

"Only pretty sure?"

"No, I'm sure. It hasn't come up that she needed to support me but I'm sure she would."

"Are you sure because you've talked yourself into believing that or are you sure because it really is? What would an unbiased, outside observer think? That's the criteria you should use, what would a fly on the wall see?"

"I guess I really need to talk with Kay about this."

"Yes, you do. I think you're going off topic, though. You're talking about Kay and what she feels and what she'd do and that's all well and good but it isn't what you asked me at the beginning of this call. You asked me if you loved Kay, well, do you?"

"I still don't know, Dad."

"Before doing anything else, before you talk with Kay and before Janice leaves with a wrong understanding, you need to answer that, Son. When you've answered that for yourself, by yourself, I'll be able to help guide you. Until then there's nothing I, or anyone else, can do for you in this."

"Jeez, Dad, why is this so complicated and hard?"

"It's complicated and hard because it's life, real life, not a story in some fairy tale world. Real life isn't easy, real life is hard, real life is complicated and real life is messy. If it were anything else we wouldn't value it nearly as much. Because it's hard, complicated and messy we appreciate the good times a whole lot more than if we didn't have the hard times."

"That makes sense in a perverted way. Life is hard so we can enjoy the good times."

"That's about as true as any other reason. Now do you want me to get your mother on the phone? I don't think it's a good idea to talk with her about this until you can answer your question yourself."

"I can see that, so no, don't get her."

"I think that's best for now. I won't even tell her you called; it would raise too many questions I don't want to answer. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. I've got some thinking I need to do before tomorrow. I've got to have my thoughts straight by then so I can talk with Kay before Janice goes home. Thanks, Dad, you haven't answered the question but you've helped, I think."

"Call me anytime, Son; I'll always talk with you. Even if I won't answer your question, I'll help you so you can answer it yourself and that's what you really need. Bye, Son, we love you." He hung up after that.

I tried to do some work but I wasn't getting anywhere. Thank goodness the routine work I did was actually done by my computer and was automated. I didn't need to pay attention to things directly, the computer did it for me and I would know of any problems when I reviewed the logs. This freed me to think and normally I used the thinking time to work on the program I was developing, not today. Today my thinking was about me, about Kay and about us together.

I tried to look at things the way my father suggested, as an unbiased, outside observer. I also told myself I had to look at things for me alone; Kay would have to do this for herself. I asked what I was seeing between Kay and me. I saw that when we did things together I was happy. I was happier than if I did those same things alone. I also saw that I was happier now than I was at this same time last year, before Kay had come into my life.

I saw that my house was as clean as or cleaner than before Kay moved in. I also was eating better, healthier, more balanced meals and I was making fewer meals myself.

I had more human contact with Kay, mental and physical contact. Kay challenged me, made me think. When we played cards or chess or anything else in the evenings we talked about lots of different topics and I had to think so I held up my end of the conversation. I was thinking more about things outside of what I had to for my business. Because of Kay I was exercising my mind more. Physically she was more than pleasant to look at and she teased me unmercifully at night. I hadn't done anything with her but it was a game we both enjoyed.

I had an exercise and sailing partner with Kay, something I never had before. I didn't have the solitude I used to but I was smiling more and relaxed more when I came back home. I may not have been exercising more effectively but I was definitely exercising more; Kay wouldn't let me skip my exercising, she said she didn't want to be seen with an out of shape blimp.

All that was true but it wasn't answering the question of whether I loved her or not. Maybe I need to come at this from the other direction. What would things be like for me if Kay left? I know what I told Janice. Was it true? What would I feel if Kay left me and my house? I'd be alone again and I knew that didn't feel great. I could live that way; I had for most of my adult life. It wasn't living, it was existing; there's a difference I hadn't realized I was experiencing until Kay moved into my house.

Now that I'd lived with someone, even platonically, I knew I didn't want to live alone again. Was this love? I know I feel warmth when she smiles because of something I've said or done. I like doing things for her because they bring her pleasure, my pleasure is tied to hers.

I was still going round and round when I heard Kay talking with Janice in the great room. Kay stuck her head in my door.

"Rob, I came home early to spend some time with Mom and she wants to do some shopping. Do you want to come along?"

I realized this was Janice's way of getting Kay away from me to talk with her. "I'd love to but I've got some work I just have to get done so I'm going to pass. Take the truck and have a good time. If you decide you want to stay out for dinner, give me a call so I know I'm on my own. Don't worry about me I can be a bachelor for the night, no problem."

"If you're sure, thanks, Rob." With that she turned and was gone.

How would I feel if I was a bachelor again? I asked myself that question several different ways. The answer came back every time 'empty and alone'. I didn't like that answer. Sammy and Sandi were okay and they kept me company, but they weren't enough. I loved them but I wasn't 'in love' with them. I WAS 'in love' with Kay. Once I admitted that to myself, I quit for the day. I changed into my trunks, got a bottle of wine and went to sit by the pool and think what this would mean in the long run. I was still there when Kay called.

Kay's turn:

Oh heck, now what?!?

My mother just got me to admit I think I'm in love with Rob. I knew I liked being around him but until now I didn't realize I loved him. What about him? I know I said 'I think he loves me' but does he? Does he feel the same way I do? Does he realize I love him? What if he doesn't, then what? Could I stay in his house? I didn't think so, it'd be too hard. What if he does? What will I do? What will he do?

I looked over at my mother; she was sitting there just watching me. What did she think of this? I don't think she's upset and I don't think she disapproves, not based on that hallelujah comment. What does she expect is going to happen? Am I supposed to settle down and start producing grand-children for her? What about my aerospace engineering career?

"Mom, have you discussed this with Rob? Is that what brought all these questions about?"

"Yes, Kaitlyn, I discussed this with Rob last night, while you were at work. I told you he took me to the Italian restaurant where you two first had dinner after the first weekend on the boat. What I didn't tell you is he also took me out for coffee after. We went to the coffee house he took Daddy to when he was out here. Rob and I sat in the back and had coffee and a long discussion."

"And the discussion was about if I loved him?"

"No, the conversation was about what he felt about you and whether he loved you or not. Now I'm having the reciprocal discussion with you."

"Are you just going to sit there and keep me on pins and needles or are you going to tell me what he said?"

"I'm not going to tell you what he said, that's up to him. I will tell you I wasn't surprised by his answer but he was."

"Why did he go to bed last night instead of staying up to talk with me then?"

"He wanted to talk with you but I asked him not to until I had a chance to talk with you today. I wanted you to have time to put your thoughts in order before he said something. I don't think he could have seen you last night without saying something. I was surprised to see him at breakfast this morning but he still honored my request."

"Let's go, Mom. I want to talk with Rob."

"I don't think so, Kaitlyn."

"Hunh?"

"I think you need to sit here and think about what we've just talked about before you talk with him. You both need to come to terms with the revelations you've gone through before you talk with each other. You've each suffered a shock and should give yourselves time to recover before you take any actions based on those shocks."

"Did he know you were going to talk with me today?"

"Yes, he did, and I think it was very considerate of him to give me the space and privacy I needed to talk with you. He's a good man, Kaitlyn, a very good man. Your father and I thought so before but this weekend really confirmed it for me and when I talk with your father about the weekend I'm sure he'll agree."

"What am I supposed to do now?"

"I think you should sit and think about where you are, where you want to be, the difference between the two and how to overcome or eliminate the difference. We can sit here or we can go somewhere else if you'd like."

We sat for a minute while I decided if we were going to stay here or go somewhere else. Then it came to me that my mom had never seen the boat. "Mom, let's get a drink to take with us and I'm going to take you to see Rob's boat. I'm very comfortable there and it's quiet so I can think and we can talk. We can even have dinner at the marina. If you'll order the drinks I'll call Rob to tell him we're going to the boat and ask if he wants to join us."

"When you talk with him, tell him I asked if he'd like to join us. He might not otherwise; he may think we're going to the boat so I can have the discussion with you he knew I was going to."

Mom ordered the drinks and I called Rob. "Rob, my mom and I are done shopping and I thought I'd show her your boat, if that's okay with you."

"Of course it is, I should have thought of doing that myself. You have the key for the boat and the combination for the gate, don't you?"

"Yeah, I've got them. I thought I'd take Mom to dinner at the marina and she asked if you'd like to join us. You could come get us from the boat around six, is that okay?"

"Your mom asked?"

"Yeah, it was my idea to have dinner at the marina but it was her idea for you to join us."

"Is it okay with you? I don't want to interfere in your mother and daughter time, you don't get much of it."

"I know but she and I would both like you to join us."

"I'll see you at six then, and thanks for the dinner invite. I wasn't looking forward to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

"Yeah, right, you having PB&J for dinner, real bachelor food." I could hear him chuckling on the other end. "Come and get us on the boat."

"See you at six."

He hung up. I paid the bill and we left for the marina and the boat. When we got to the boat I gave Mom a quick tour. There wasn't much to it but she'd never been on a sailboat before. It was very mild and the sky was clear so we settled in the cockpit with our drinks.

"Mom, what do I do now?"

"I assume you mean now that you realize you're in love with Rob. What do you think you should do? I set this discussion up so we would have time to talk before I go back home on Wednesday. I wanted you to have time to think and to ask me any questions you may come up with. We can do our talking now or tomorrow or both; it's all up to you. I also told Rob I'd talk with him if he wanted, too. I wanted you both to have time to think and digest things overnight. Now that you've admitted to yourself what everyone else has seen for a while, it's your move."

"And what should that move be?"

"I think you were on the right track when you said you wanted to talk with Rob. I just want you to think about the situation first. What do you want to do in the bigger picture? Is Rob the one to be in that picture with you? Are you intending to finish school and get a job or are you going to produce a family or both?

"You're not a child or a teenager, anymore, Kaitlyn. You're an adult. You made some very adult decisions when you decided to leave home and come out here and I have to admit, it appears they were good decisions despite what your father and I thought. Now you're faced with more decisions and you can't revert to looking to me or your father to make them for you. You have to make those decisions but you have to take into account all the information you have and if you're planning on staying with Rob, you need to bring him into your decision making as well."

"That's why I want to talk with Rob."

"I agree, you should talk with Rob, but you need to know what you yourself think before you talk with him. This is big time stuff. These decisions will affect you for the rest of your life. You need to think things through."

I spent the next couple of hours thinking and going over everything my mother said. I also thought about everything Rob has said. His speech to me about goals came to mind and I could see this was part of that. Mom sat quietly and left me to do my thinking. I was grateful for that, I didn't need any distractions. I had come to the conclusion I had my thoughts in order as a shadow passed over me and got my attention. It was Rob.

Rob's turn again:

I was still sitting by the pool. I had a lot on my mind and I was going over it bit-by-bit trying to figure out why I was apparently blind about my feelings for Kay. I wasn't coming up with an answer to that particular riddle. I knew I both cared for her and cared about her. I wanted her to be well and do well. She was smart and quick and would be an asset to any company she ended up with. She would go far as long as she stayed focused on her goals. She already knows how to do that; it's what got her here in the first place.