Chapter 18: Who Am I

Mike’s Apartment, Tuscaloosa, AL

7:35am, Sunday, January 19, 2003

When I got up Sunday morning, the weather had turned less than perfect once again on the day I was to meet Kaleigh and her family at their church in Lakeview. While it wasn’t as cold as last Sunday or Monday, a wet, possibly freezing, drizzle was still in store for central Alabama. This basically meant that 90% of Alabamians’ (heck most native southerners actually – sorry but that’s the truth!) brains would turn to mush as soon as they got behind the wheel of their vehicles on a day like today.

There are basically two types of ‘slick road’ or bad weather drivers in the south. First, there are the ‘octogenarians’, where even young to middle age adults act like the typical 80-year-old behind the wheel. These people drove at a maddeningly slow pace as soon as one snow flake or even a single rain drop hits their windshield. Even worse than driving 80-year-old slow, is their ‘I don’t give a shit that I’m PO-ing every other driver on the road‘ type attitude.

The second type of idiot southern driver that emerges in poor weather conditions is even worse than the ‘octogens’. This second type of driver is the stereotypical macho redneck. They’ve got their big four-wheel drive trucks with jacked up suspensions, which require a step-ladder to get into the cab of their baby monster truck.

Legendary comedian, Jeff Foxworthy described these people best when he basically said, “The famous last words of a typical redneck are, ‘Here hold my beer and watch this’”. These idiots don’t respect ‘mother nature’ at all because they feel their 4x4 can get them out of any trouble. Therefore, these redneck morons can wreck you in the blink of an eye. (FYI – not all rednecks are lumped in with the previously described dumb-ass drivers. A good number of them are wonderful people, who would do anything to help you out, and don’t have this false ‘superman or superwoman’ complex).

Seeing how there was a greater possibility of seeing more ‘octogens’ out on the roadways early Sunday morning, I figured I would need to budget a good hour to hour and fifteen minutes for the normal forty minute drive up to Kaleigh’s neck of the woods. To be on the safe side, I decided to leave at 9am, and stop at Hardees to grab a tasty but fattening butter biscuit with strawberry jelly. This extra time would also let me test out the roads as freezing drizzle often creates ‘black-ice’, which can send even the most experienced winter weather drivers in the ditch in the blink of an eye.

I checked my school email on my laptop one more time to refresh myself with the directions and the dress code at the Plyer’s church. Steven Plyer said in his email that they weren’t a hardcore, suit and tie crowd, which was definitely a good thing. I think it would be safe to say that I’ve worn a suit and tie less than five times during my six years here at Alabama.

I put on a nice pair of brown Eddie Bauer slacks and a light blue long sleeve button down shirt. With the wet, cold weather, I figured my tanned water proof trench coat would do the job. After hunting for my brown leather gloves, finding them buried in my sock drawer (go figure), I was ready to hit the yucky, wet Alabama roads.

The roads in T-town were basically okay as the relatively high traffic volume there kept the borderline freezing rain from getting a foothold. However, once I got out of the Tuscaloosa-proper, the roads took a turn for the worse. There were several spots that an unprepared driver or the ‘moron redneck’ could find themselves in a shallow roadside ditch or a dangerously deep ravine in a heartbeat. I knew that the bridges were going to be slick as duck-poop, but it was the downhill sharp turns between the town of Brookwood and Lakeview that would be my main concern. Highway 216 had a well-earned accident reputation.

I was very glad to see that a good number of both ‘bad weather driving groups’ either decided to stay at home or didn’t have any need to get out and about this Sunday morning. I didn’t run up on any super slow drivers, and more appreciatively, didn’t get run over by some out of control monster truck.

At the most dangerous stretch of Highway 216, I was damn glad that I slowed down to twenty-ish miles-per-hour, as the one major downhill turn was indeed the epitome of dangerous road conditions. First, the roadway was shaded by tall evergreen trees, which helped the freezing mist to form black-ice. Second, the banking of the road actually fell away from the curve, instead of angling into the tight turn. Lastly, there was a steep, thirty-foot drop-off into a rocky ravine. If I had to guess, this would be the location of several of the fatal accidents I’d heard about from Kaleigh.

As I was heading into this part of the trip, I was thankful that I used the money my mom sent for my birthday on a set of new front tires for my Camry. Even at 25mph, my car’s tires started to slide a little towards edge of the pavement, as I white knuckled the steering wheel around the sharp curve.

I honestly think it was a sudden flash back to my wild teenage driving days in Canada, which saved me from serious trouble here as my car struggled with that sharp curve. I somehow resisted the strong urge to hit my brakes when my car refused to turn with the curve in the road. Fortunately for me, as the right front wheel left the black-iced pavement and hit the thin strip of gravel before the steep drop off, the force of friction between my tire and the ground returned and my car’s direction returned to my intended path.

As I regain my composure before the next semi-dangerous curve, I clearly recalled my seventeen year old self turning off a well cleared, main road onto a snow covered, icy side road. As I tried to steer my mom’s Chevy Nova around the icy corner, it basically refused to follow my intended path and headed straight towards the shallow ditch. As a novice driver then, I jammed on the brakes, which guaranteed a ditch visit as the wheels locked, forming a pure slick sheet of ice under all four wheels. Somehow, at that dangerous moment on Highway 216, I knew not to hit the brakes and lock up my wheels.

With my brain and heart going 100mph and my car at a safe 20mph, I thanked God that the angle of the road was working in my favor on this next semi-wicked turn. I felt a whole lot better about the remaining five or so miles of my journey as there weren’t any seriously evil curves remaining on the road, and just one potentially icy bridge left to negotiate.

As my heart returned from my mouth to my chest, I got to thinking about that white-knuckle curve back there, and recalled seeing a semi-blinding flash of light as I entered that sharp curve. If my memory was right, there wasn’t a gap in the trees lining the road at that point, plus the low-hanging, moisture laden clouds would have prevented any bright sun from shining down at that time. As I focused on my driving, part of my brain wasn’t able to figure out that unexpected light. As a semi-scientist, this uncertainty continued to eat at me as I turned onto Broadway Drive in Lakeview, leading to Kaleigh’s church.

Neither Kaleigh nor her dad told me that Hepzibah Church Road, the last half mile of my journey, was going to have crazy wicked turns as it wound its way down through a valley and back up a good sized hill. Luckily for me, there wasn’t a car coming down that hilly roadway, as my car slipped into the other lane when the road’s banking fell away from a curve once more. (Note to road engineers and engineers to be - bank the roads INTO the curve; friction and centrifugal forces are good things when driving!) Additionally, there wasn’t as much wet drizzle falling in this part of the county, which helped keep my car between the ditches on this poorly designed road.

At 10:42am, I pulled into the newly paved parking lot at the surprisingly large, modern country church. I saw a good sized man with a large golf umbrella wave at me, so I stopped beside him. He obviously recognized I was a visitor to his church, and pointed out the visitor’s parking spots up near the front doors of the church. I told him that this light drizzle wasn’t going to kill me, and that I was good using a regular parking spot. He laughed deeply and said he was almost ready to close up his umbrella in this light mist. He belatedly welcomed me to Hepzibah, and wished me a good time here this morning at their church. As I drove further into the main parking area, I saw a free space on the other side of Kaleigh’s white Maxima, so I pulled my Camry in beside her much more powerful machine.

I sat in my car for about five minutes, and thanked God that I made it here in one piece, and promised Him that I wouldn’t be this stupid again and do unneeded driving in crappy weather. I recalled what Jesus said to Satan on the mountain, “Thou shall not tempt God”, and I figured driving here in black-ice conditions was clearly not a ‘WWJD’ type action. When I felt like I had my mind and body back in a normal state of functioning, I turned around and reached for my Sports Edition Bible, which was in the back seat.

As I started to open the door, a beautiful familiar face magically appeared in the driver’s window. Kaleigh reached for the top of the door and pulled it opened and squealed her excitement at seeing me here at her family’s church. She bent down and kissed me hard, which prevented me from exiting my car, not that I cared with her lips pressed to mine.

A few seconds later, we both heard a deep booming voice say, “I’m guessing this is the good doctor we heard about in Sunday school class, right Ply-baby?” which caused Kaleigh to quickly end our kiss and pull away from me. As I stepped out of my car and took Kaleigh’s hand in mine, I saw it was the same big man who welcomed me a few minutes ago.

Kaleigh smiled brightly but in a semi-scolding voice said, “Andy Bush, you’ve got to stop scaring the pee out of me like that. Plus, don’t call me that in front of.” She nodded her head at me and then dropped my hand and skipped over to the big bearded man. Kaleigh lightly bopped him on the arm, and then hugged him tightly around the neck.

As she hugged his neck, the big man laughed and said, “Ply-baby, you know I love getting the better of you ... when I get that rare chance.” With Kaleigh wrapped around his neck and stepping on his large feet, Andy slowly walked her back over towards me and extended his huge right hand out to me. “Andy, Andy Bush, I’m glad to meet the man who has finally captured and corralled this fine filly’s heart.”

Before I could get a word in, Kaleigh cried out, “Andy, stop calling me that!” as she stepped down off his feet and smiled back at me. “Andy, this is Mike Nevins, Dr. Nevins from the University of Alabama, and yes, he has indeed captured my heart ... fiiii ... nally!”

As Kaleigh was introducing me, I shook his hand and was quietly thankful he didn’t decide to crush my fingers with his huge hand.

“I’m just Mike, no doctor required, and I’m glad to meet you, Andy,” I said after getting my hand back. “I take it your familiar with this blonde ball of energy, based on your actions and your special name for her.”

“Oh yeah, my wife and I have taught this beautiful creature, for what, four years of Sunday School classes, Ply-baby?” he asked her with a drop in his already deep voice.

Kaleigh blushed a deep red as she answered him with a touch of playful venom in her voice, “Yes Andy, it was four years of pure torture with you, but not Ms. Wanda. And for the love of Jesus, please stop with that name.”

I loved watching their interaction and the way Andy was making Kaleigh squirm with his clever words and use of his pet name for Kaleigh. I could tell it was all in good fun though as my Star and Andy’s Ply-baby took both of our hands in her hands, and walked between us over to the church entrance.

When we got inside the foyer, Andy said, “I would invite you to sit with me and my wife Wanda, but I’m guessing Ms. Kaaaaleeigh here would get royally upset if I took you up in the balcony, instead of sitting down here with her family.”

“As much as I appreciate the offer to sit with you and your wife to obviously pick up a little more dirt on Kaleigh, I believe it would be best for my personal health and welfare that I sit with this blushing beauty.”

Andy chuckled and we shook hands once more before he turned and walked towards the balcony stairs. I then let my red faced, but smiling Kaleigh lead me into the large church sanctuary, where we walked down a side aisle to her parents’ location.

During this short fifteen to twenty yard walk, I started to feel like a piece of raw steak hanging from a tree over a pride of hungry lions. It seemed like every eye in the church was turned towards me or us, as we moved to our seats. Kaleigh stopped a couple of rows from her parents’ location, and talked to a couple of pretty young ladies. She introduced me to Heather Parton, a cute brunette, and an auburn haired pixie, Dani Smithson. She said both ladies were long-time friends and former cheerleaders with her at Tuscaloosa Academy. Kaleigh then laughed and said I was in for a surprise later in the church service, but none of them would give me a clue as to the nature of the surprise.

I was left hanging in mild suspense as we said a quick goodbye to the ladies and made our way to Steven and Tammy’s pew. Kaleigh kissed her mom and dad when we arrived and I hugged her mom and shook hands with dad before taking my trench coat off and laying it down over the back of the pew in front of me. Kaleigh sat beside her mother and I was sitting beside her with a few open seats available between me and the aisle.

I quietly asked her where her brother was, and she pointed over to the opposite side of the large sanctuary. Kaleigh said he normally sits with the other members of the church’s youth group; older high school, young college aged students. I nodded and then asked if she normally sat with her parents or with her same age friends. She said it just depended on how she felt that day, but she normally sat with her friends.

Kaleigh then she turned around and waved at the now larger group of male and female ‘twenty-somethings’ sitting several rows behind us. When she turned back to me, she whispered in my ear, “I sure wouldn’t want that pack of she-wolves to get their teeth in on you, would I now?” I wasn’t sure whether Kaleigh sensed my earlier trepidation, but her smile and laughter made me feel more at ease.

Right at 11am, the church lights flickered off and on a couple of times, which I took as a sign for everyone to take their seat and get prepared for the start of the service. I was then royally surprised when a mid-50ish couple walked down our row of seats and welcomed me by name to Hepzibah. They introduced themselves as Jim and Deni Timdal, the church pastor and his wife. Deni said Jim was a member of Steven and Tammy’s Sunday school class, which clued me in on how they knew my name. She then said she was church’s Sunday school coordinator, which really made me concerned about what Kaleigh and her parents have said to these people about me.

I shook Pastor Jim’s hand and wished him well on his sermon for this morning’s service. He thanked me, smiled and nodded at Kaleigh and her parents, and then walked out into the aisle as the music started. He proceeded up to the first row of the church, near a gaggle of young children and a few obvious chaperones. Deni decided the seat next to me was good for her, so she sat down there and waved to Steven and Tammy.

When Kaleigh realized the song I’ll Fly Away was leading off the service, she leaned forward and lightly laughed at the pastor’s wife, and with obvious sarcasm asked, “Oh, Deni, isn’t this you’re favorite song?” She then made a small flapping motion with her hands towards the pastor’s wife, and laughed some more. Deni just shook her head and sighed as the thirty or so choir members led the church in this song.

Kaleigh picked up a song book from the back of the pew in front of us and held it up for both of us to see. She turned to me, smiled her million dollar smile and whispered, “You can just hum the tune, and let us experts sing the words ... if you like.” Without waiting for a reply from me, she joined in with the choir and the rest of the congregation in song. Listening to this large group of people, I could really tell they were a musically inclined church.

When the music minister led the church in an upbeat rendition of Amazing Grace, it confirmed my belief that this church was blessed with a great group of talented singers. At the conclusion of this great song, Pastor Jim went up on the stage, and made the church announcements, greetings and an opening prayer. I was relieved he didn’t do a relatively popular church activity; asking church members to go around to greet or shake hands with each other. From prior experiences, visitors often would get bombarded with greetings, which make me, and most other newcomers, very uncomfortable.

The pianist and organist played a great piece of music during the church’s offering segment of the worship service. As I reached for my wallet, Deni Timdal made me put it back in my pants and asked me to fill out a visitor’s card instead. I dropped that card in the offering plate as it was passed by, and saw Kaleigh drop a white offering envelop in the plate.

When the music minister got up to let the congregation know what was happening next, Kaleigh started to stand up and whispered down at me, “Surprise. Enjoy.”

She then slide past her mom and dad, plus two older ladies sitting on the other side of Steven, and was joined by Heather, Dani and one other cute young lady I hadn’t been introduced to yet. As the four young ladies walked up on the stage, the music minister introduced them as they each grabbed a wireless microphone. I learned the fourth singer was Lyndy Timdal, the pastor’s daughter. When I looked towards Deni, she smiled and nodded her head at me in acknowledgement of her daughter’s name.

Dani, the cute redhead, talked briefly about the song they were going to sing, and that it may be a little different than what we probably heard on the radio, but that each of them loved this musical arrangement. She finished by saying they had received Mark Hall’s blessing to modify his song, for their four girl performance. Before the backing track started, the main sanctuary lights dimmed and the stage’s ‘canned’ spotlights were brought up to bathe each of the ladies in a strong white light.