Chapter 13

When we got back into town Allie seemed to get nervous and fidgety and I knew she wanted to ask me a question.

"Allie, what did I tell you about honesty, walking on egg shells, and fear of the answer you don't want to hear? There will be no relationship without honesty, there can't be. I read you like a book."

She sighed and looked to me saying, "I'm afraid you'll say it's too soon, or not appropriate." "How the FUCK can I give my opinion if you don't tell me what it is? Ask me honest questions and I'll give you honest answers. I'm going to lose patience with this real fast if you don't get over this hump. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! I'm not going anywhere."

"Can I stay with you tonight?" She asked demurely.

"Why in HELL would you think I wouldn't like that? Of course you can stay with me. I agree it's too soon and not appropriate, but we broke the ice last night and it seems we're playing catch up for the time we should have been together and you were in therapy." I said as I reached over and rubbed her hand hoping to communicate to her that everything does not have to be a confrontation.

"I have some things I need to tell you, nothing that will change us, just some things my therapist says you should know." She said quietly.

"Me specifically?"

"Sort of, but actually any person I become emotionally and sexually invested in, as she put it." She answered, brightening some now that she got it off her chest.

"We'll be home in a few minutes, wait until then so I can give you my full attention." I said as I turned into the back entrance to my development to be sure I didn't have to ride by Mary's place.

Once I parked and we got inside the door we both had to use the bathroom and when I came out she was on the love seat waiting for me. She patted the spot beside her for me to sit close, so I did.

"I was going to dive head first into sex with you last night, well we did, but we didn't have intercourse. I got cold feet because I've never been with a man before and I wanted to do what my therapist said I should do before become fully invested. I can be a little fragile about some things and if I didn't think you would understand, I wouldn't be here." She said and I went to assure her but she stopped me holding up a hand.

"NO, PLEASE, let me talk and get this out and over with, I don't need another excuse to procrastinate on it. Just hold my hands for me, please. This is very hard and that's why I've put it off. I was going to skip it but so far everything she has had me do to make things better has worked. So here goes" She said taking a deep breath and looking me in the eye.

"I had phallic sex with my female partner when she used dildo's and vibrators on me so I am not a virgin in that sense, even though I know having a real man is going to be different. Sometimes she wore a male part and took me as a man would, and I found it to be the only time I actually enjoyed my sex life there. However, when she wore the, uh ... strap-on, it also meant I was going to be sodomized. She had used toys on me there, in my back hole, before and it was OK. I wasn't given much choice. But when she did it there like a man (with the strap-on) she hurt me like hell. I would cry and carry on while she spanked me for being what she called "a big baby". That was why you made me jump so much when you swatted me on my butt last night."

Allie took a deep breath and continued, on the edge of tears. "One time when she did this to me back there I wasn't clean inside like other times and she had poop all over her strap-on and some leaked down into the bed. She went into a rage and said she should make me clean it up with my tongue. Right there at the smell and thought of that, I puked in the bed,. She left me there for a few minutes while I cried. She came back with a bamboo switch and she caned the back of my legs and my ass for a solid couple minutes, 30 strokes. I could barely sit down for 3 days and even warm water under the shower stung like fire. She kept that cane on the top of her dresser for the last 18 months I was there. I was afraid to sleep the last few nights I was there after I told her I was leaving to go on job interviews and would not be back. It was then I found out that she was moving me out anyway, she had a new Freshman "protégé" and didn't need my "soul-less sorry body" around anymore."

I took Allie in my arms and hugged her so hard I thought I might hurt her, I felt so bad and so protective of her at that moment. This woman had so terrified and controlled her that she truly didn't know what was happening to her. I seemed the last person who might try to set her right, but at this point she had chosen me and I had chosen her.

"My dear little darling, why haven't you told me you lived through torture with your fear?" I asked as she bawled into my shoulder.

"Only the doctor knew and I had to tell anyone I was going to trust with my heart so they could be patient with me, understand me. I'm so fucked up and I just want to be normal with you." She said in my ear through her tears and emotion.

"Allison, we'll get you normal, and you and I will be normal. You have the tools to forget all of this and you and I will work this out. If telling me helps you, don't be embarrassed. It just causes me great pain to know what you've been through. I don't know how someone could treat a person they supposedly loved like this. You know now it wasn't love, right?" I asked.

"I know", she said, calming down wiping tears, "it was control ... Do you think you and I can ever be normal?"

"Allie, to me I never needed to know anything about your past, I was only interested in what I knew of you from the day I met you. However your circumstances have made it necessary for a person who wants to be close to you to be aware of the pain you've had to deal with. Now, we have to put all those fears behind you. You and I are now, and your past has to be forgotten. You know and I know that you'll never "forget" it, but just like when you have to deal with the death of a loved one, you don't get up every day and start mourning all over just because they're still gone. You learn to adjust your life and file the memories away."

"I'm trying to do that, but things come up that I feel you should know. You keep telling me how wonderful I am, and I keep thinking of the horrible things I did or had happen to me." She cried to me so innocently.

"You have to remember, you were the victim, and you were coerced. Is there anything else?"

"I don't think so, there were just a few things that kept knocking on my memory, but this was the main one. This is the one she wanted to live with me, keep my fear up with. I'm not afraid of her anymore." She insisted.

"How could she have been so cruel?" I wondered aloud.

"I've always thought it was because I enjoyed the strap-on so much more than her lesbian sex stuff. That was why she would turn me over and make me pay for enjoying man-woman sex so much. The therapist wasn't too sure of that, she thinks there had to be control, and that was what she chose."

I held Allie tight and leaned back with her sort of melting into me and we just held each other. After a few minutes I noticed I was nodding off and I realized she had totally fallen asleep, so I let myself fall as well. I wasn't sure what time we nodded off but, I first stirred when my school house clock struck 8. I bolted a bit, not really knowing the day or even where I was for a moment, and that woke Allie. She turned her head a bit and looked up to me and she smiled.