Chapter 6: Relatively Legal: let's go back in time

Maria fronted me one or two days after the birth of the twins in 1975, and asked, "Why the Ronald?"

"Why do you think the Ronald?"

"Don't start the answering a question with a question shit with me Grasshopper, just answer the question," We stared at each other for a minute or two, me with a smug smile on my face, and I could actually see the light globe go on over her head and she exploded. "It's your real name you bastard. God, I love you, you arsehole. You had better tell me the rest or I won't sleep for a month."

"I was born Ronald Frederick Haussmann on the 14^th June 1952 and I am currently twenty-three years old. My boys were born on my birthday and almost to the minute to my dim recollection of the records. We shan't make it public knowledge, shall we? It's for in-family knowledge only, especially our sons, if they ever become curious enough."

"I think your missus' are going to have a field day over this."

Maureen said she'd love me no matter what my horrific last name was and Alison said she knew that it wasn't my real name from the start, as I had told her. "I prefer your current name to Haussmann as that is too Teutonic. I'd like to meet your family even if it's only to see if they are as bad as you say." We now owned a twenty person deluxe bus, bought for us by Manny who came with us too, out of pure idle curiosity. Of course we told him, as he is family, so the mass trip to Turramurra was doable, but he made the comment that it is just as well that he hadn't known at the start or I wouldn't have been employed by him.

It's a fair three hour drive from the furthest southern beaches to the north-western city reaches, the time taken due to traffic and not distance. To add some chagrin to Alison's wish, they were now worse. Gertrude had been gifted with the slave role after I left, lucky, lucky girl, and was still at home being everyone's servant and body slave, extraordinaire.

I shouldn't trivialise her position because it is a post-modernist form of horror, she had no way out of the position I virtually forced her into twelve plus years before, straight from spoilt princess to dogsbody overnight; it must have been bewildering. There, but for the grace of God, and all that shit, but also I am far more sceptical than she is, and she would remain under subjugation in the role the old bastards tried to force me into.

They eventually had two more children, both boys and I did not catch their names, which seemed immaterial. Dad saw me enter the front gate, it took him a minute or two to realise who I was, then he came out swinging. I looked down at his five foot four pudgy frame, and softly said, "Are you looking to die old man." He slunk back to the house.

Mum came out onto the veranda and barked, "What do you want?" Gertrude was unassumingly and inconspicuously lurking, with a broken spirit, in the shadow of the doorway behind the old bag.

I looked at them and decided that my sister had copped it enough. Gertrude was only two years older than me, but was worn out and dried up, and looked forty not twenty six. I made an executive decision. I used my authoritative voice which I have found very useful in union-management meetings and to occasionally get my way with my children, though that would have been a rare case, "Get into the bus Gert," and she did what she always did when told to do something; in this case, she got on the bus. One of the slugs was a bit more quick witted than the rest of them and ran, lumbered, to stop her and he tripped over my foot, I admit, hastily placed; then I trod on his head, face down, forcing it to stay on the ground to make sure he stayed.

"Who are you going to make your slave this time old woman, one of these three slugs? The people on the bus are my family, including eleven children, and even the youngest would spit in your eye before accepting your orders. I brought them over here because one of my wives was curious if you are as bad as I claimed to her, and you have actually become worse, which I thought was impossible."

"Fat Boy, if you don't stop wriggling down there, you are going to rub all the skin off your ugly face, but that could be an improvement. Slug, I would suggest that you three copy my example, as one of you is going to be slave to the rest, and you won't enjoy that one bit." I released my foot off the crushed Slug, who backed away in his ungainly way. "It will probably be you Sluggo, as you couldn't confront me." I addressed the younger two slugs, "Say hello to your new slave, Slugs. I will not be seeing you lot around." We left unopposed.

Once the bus was back on the road, "Sorry ladies and germs, I made an executive decision. Everyone, introduce yourselves to Gertrude Haussmann, my sister."

Gertrude began to fuss, obsequiously, submissively, my lack of education is showing to the fore, as there must be a word for, "I've gotta do the dishes Ronald and Daddy had me digging the garden..." brainwashed maybe.

"The old bloke had you digging the garden because he is too lazy to do it. I'm sure your mother knows how to wash dishes. I'm willing to bet that the three slugs will not be around long enough to be trained so I bet she buys a dishwasher and the weeds will grow."

"But Daddy has a bad back and can't dig..."

"Your father is a weak spined, cowardly, lazy bastard. He didn't have a bad back when they used to go bowling and I dug the garden, while you went to Robbo's place to screw. I presume they still go bowling so his back can't be that bad because he never uses it. You swallowed their cock and bull story, but I knew it was a lie thirteen years ago, and it's just as big a lie now. The three slugs already know it's going to happen and I will put money on them being gone within months, unless the old bastards lock one of them in."

"Are they still bowling comp on Wednesday nights? I'll take you there next comp night and you can tell me how bad his back is. Have they ever invited you there to play?" She shook her head, "and they would never invite their slave, as the slave then would see the lie they live."

"Did you know they swap partners, the car keys in the hat thing? They have a completely different life outside and that's why you would never be invited. When I had just turned twelve, and you were regularly screwin' Robbo, I left the slug to his own devices and followed them on your bike. I had to use yours as they wouldn't buy me one, remember? They bowled until eight then screwed other people all night swapping every two hours. I dropped over to Robbo's place and you were on your hands and knees having a good old time. I was what was known a sneaky little brat of a brother."

"I don't know why you keep saying that, because I'm a virgin and wasn't at Marvin's, I was at Julia's next door."

"Gert, you hated Julia Grant. I watched you and he took all three holes as I was watching. Girls, check out faux virgin out and see if I'm wrong."

There a squeal and Maria said, "It's been a hell of a long time since this girls been a virgin, in either hole. And they have been used recently too, used hard and put away wet."

"Was it your Daddy or the slugs, Gert'?" She pulled her head into her shoulders and hid her face in Maria's breast, then mumbled, "Dad and Dudley mostly but Sam started this week."

"Now Gertrude, I felt sorry for you because they had you slaving too long and you were dying in there. Don't make me regret taking you. You have many choices. They would have pulled you out of school as soon as I left, right? You can go back to school, I did it and Alison did it. We will support you as long as you live with us. If you decide to leave us, you are on your own, and if you go back to slavery, we will laugh at you and wave as you go."

"You haven't been allowed to do what you have liked since I left. You fucked when you were told to, worked when you were told to and you were not allowed to do anything else. We will give you some time to do what you feel like, and then we'll all get together to figure out what to do for your future. We won't tell you what to do but the longer you take the more questions there will be."

"Ronald..."

"Sis, can you do me a favour, please? I changed my name the moment I left. I became David Newman. If you want, you can change yours and become another Newman, we can try to do it for you."

"I have always hated Gertrude, as that was the name of the duck in the movie Journey to the Centre of the Earth. I loved Marilyn Monroe, so I can become Marilyn Newman, if I can be who I want to be. It has got to be better than a sex thing and slave Gertrude Haussmann. Everyone meet Marilyn Newman, David's sister."

Maureen suggested, "Or his wife Marilyn," The girl's chin dropped.

"Um, um, Maureen, is that right? Even I look in the mirror. I know what I look like. My family did everything they could to make me, what, ugly, unattractive? Ronald, David, is so good looking no one would believe it. Even I wouldn't believe that."

Maria, "Well Marilyn, me and my fellow wives have now got a project. These people our husband and you escaped from, are going to lose out for what they tried to do, and we spouses, the plural for which is spice, will change you from an ugly duckling to a swan."

Alison went further, "Give us a week. You can then tell us if you want to be his wife or his sister."

"Doesn't he, ah, David have say in this?"

Maria, "Sometimes, usually, but we are his wives, and we can decide if you have what it takes to be a fellow wife."

Alison, "We said at the start five, remember Maria?"

Maria, "Mr Bottomless Pit may have finally met his match."

"Sir, I am Detective Sergeant Hart, is your name Ronald Haussmann?" He had piggy written all over him and not one of the brighter ones either.

"Good morning officer, my name is David Newman. Here is my New South Wales driver's licence. Oh, here too, I originally came from Queensland, this is my original Queensland licence. Who is this Haussmann bloke?"

"He is being pursued for the crime of kidnapping his sister. We are hunting down people who own buses like this, as he was last seen driving one."

"David!"

"Yeah Sis!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company."

"This is officer, officer ... Hart, that's right."

"Is your name Gertrude Haussmann, ma'am?"

"No, thank God! I'm Marilyn Newman. Maria, his wife, is just inside. I just moved down from Queensland six months ago, what have you been up to Bro? Would you like me to call his wife, officer?"

"No, thank you ma'am I think I've bothered you enough. Mr Newman, where do you work?"

"Sutherland Shire Council, in the office."

"Thank you sir, I think that should be enough. I'll see myself out."

"David, I've a Detective O'Hannon on the phone, he wants to know if we have a David Newman on our staff."

"If I double team you with Alison at lunch time, will you tell him the truth?"

"Oooh," she giggled deeply, "I just went all goose pimply all over. The truth it shall be. Detective O'Hannon, David Newman is in council's upper management, he is also my husband. Yes Detective, we do have a wife Maria and another wife Alison. For her, ring DOCS Sutherland, as she's the assistant manager there; ask for Alison Newman. We have been together now eleven; no, twelve years, years so I can say I know him. Detective between us we have eleven children but one of those is a ring-in, as we adopted her. You have a good day too Detective, hang on my husband just said he'd like a word with you."

"Detective O'Hannon, is it? I was told by a constable Hart that you are searching for a man who kidnapped his sister, both of them, adults. It has not been written up in the paper, I got curious so I looked. This is a major crime so it must have occurred interstate. Oh Sydney, was it? Well seeing you are going to so much trouble to implicate me, why hasn't at least the Daily Telegraph written it up. He told her to get in the bus, and she voluntarily left with him. My suggestion to you, Detective, is to go to your closest dictionary and discover what the definition of kidnapping is. Take this any further sir, and my family will withdraw its compliance from your investigation."

Detective Sergeant O'Hannon decided that he was glad that Newman wasn't his supervisor or he would be back in uniform at the soonest. David has also annoyed him so he was going to check on him for bigamy as he was regretfully correct about the kidnapping.

"This is more fun than fucking on the Norton at speed. Ooooh shit, lunch isn't for another hour ... okay a, a, a, light snack thennnnn! God I love you Hubbbbby! I'll get that towel, I look like I've pissed myself. Alison is in so much trouble at lunchtime. We desperately need Marilyn in our bed just to keep you on a leash kid."

"What are the unused holes and the towels on the desk for? If she told the truth? I should do that more often then I might get fucked like a corpse on a bier. Stop screaming cunt, he hasn't put it in yet. This will shut her uuuup, shit she sucks clit good. Can I suck you off before I leave dear? I want proof that I leave the office every day just to suck my husband off. You know homos, they don't believe in faithfulness. I know, tomorrow I'll bring him with me."

"Tubby? David Newman, I've just been reminded by one of my, 'She Who Must Be Obeyed', namely Maria, that there is that PCYC kid's picnic on Saturday at Woronora Park. Now, you are sure that my daughters aren't first, second and third, prizes etc. in the sack race, aren't you? You want how much in cash prizes? I'll donate that much myself, what do you want from the Shire Council. Is that all. What say, I bring a box full of prizes for the really little ones, courtesy of the council? Yeah that is more like it!"