Day 102

I woke with a smile and a stretch. My body had the delicious ache that came after a night of passion. I hopped out of bed, leaving John snoring quietly and shut myself in the bathroom to get ready for the day.

I thought about Jules' mental health hearing as I showered. They would be going before the judge in just a few hours. Jules didn't have to be present, but Deborah and Doctor Valverde would be there to represent her interests. Her parents and whatever legal and mental health experts would bring their case, but Deborah had said that the lack of evidence of self-harm or threats of dangerous behavior should make short work of it for the judge.

I was drying my hair when John came in. His hair was standing up as he walked to the toilet and sat with his eyes shut. "Morning," I said and pointed the hair dryer at him for a second.

He smiled when the air blew on his face. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, very well. Someone snuggled me all night and kept me warm."

"That would be me." He leaned his head against my hip.

I turned off the hair dryer and brushed my hair out once more. When I put down the brush, John wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my stomach. I said, "Want me to make you something for breakfast?"

He tried to kiss lower, but I pushed his face away with a laugh. He smiled and said, "Toast would be nice. Maybe some of that cheese we bought last night, too."

"Shower quick. I'll have it ready for you."

I dressed in my usual scruffy college attire. Today it was loose jeans and one of John's tee shirts. He had some funny ones, but my favorite one to borrow was a white shirt with a large black outline of a tree printed across the front. It was made with thick fabric and was comfortably over-sized for me. If I didn't tuck it in, it would hang down past my hips and looked like a short dress.

I skipped down the stairs and started making breakfast for us. I was full of happy energy anticipating Jules returning home. It had been wonderful to have John's exclusive attention, but Jules brought a certain energy to our life together that we both missed. She also had a way of cutting through problems and getting to the heart of things. I was certain that a few conversations with her would have reduced the anxiety I'd suffered most of the last two weeks.

John came into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around me, kissing the back of my neck as I finished with his breakfast plate. I laughed, "Feeling better I see?"

"I'm a new man. Last night was amazing and I slept better than I have in a week."

"Good, here's your plate and coffee. I'll join you in a sec." I put together my plate of toast and fruit and joined him at the table. "We've got some time before I need to go to school. Let's make a list."

"OK, we need to find out about the extra storage room, need to dust and vacuum everything, need to do all the dishes, but there's not that many dirty right now. We can go through the boxes and see if they can be consolidated them down to save space. Oh, and laundry. I've got a ton because someone keeps stealing my shirts."

I laughed and poked him. "I can't help it if your shirts smell sexy. I'll go see the apartment manager about the storage room when I get back from school. I'll also do the laundry if you'll help me fold tonight."

"Perfect. I'll take her car and get it washed during lunch while you're at school, so leave the keys for me. I'll also straighten and vacuum around here and clean the kitchen. Do you want to get the flowers?"

"I don't know if I should be the one going to the store." I was still mad at myself for losing my temper outside the drug store.

"We could always go shopping together this afternoon since we promised not to do anything else." He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

"You misunderstood. I didn't say we couldn't do anything, I said only teasing is allowed. There is still plenty I'm going to do to you. Only you can't help me. Or finish."

He was silent for a bit. "Wait, what are you planning on doing to me?"

"I'm going to tease you. Without mercy."

"Yeah. but what does that mean."

"Do you remember when we used to sit on the couch at Mom's house and she was in the room with us? When all we could do was tickle and play under the blanket?"

"That was fucking torture."

"Exactly."

School was entirely uneventful. When I didn't see Kendra all day I was surprised by how disappointed I felt. Her puzzle about Christmas presents still made no sense to me. I replayed everything she said about Jules in my mind, but nothing seemed to fit what I saw in her eyes. That first day she was worried about Jules, but yesterday was a whole different level of pain. I just couldn't figure it out.

When I walked into the apartment complex from the bus stop, I stopped by the manager's office. I grabbed a newspaper out of the machine by the door, but I didn't see any articles about Jules or her father. When I went inside the office I was greeted by a pleasant young man sitting at the desk.

"Hello, I'm Todd. Can I help you?"

"Hi, I'm Kate Miller. Can you tell me if there is a storage unit available with our lease?" I slipped him my ID.

"What unit are you in and I'll look it up?"

"1257."

He pulled a file out of the lateral file cabinet behind his desk. "It looks like your lease is up at the end of next month. Are you going to be staying with us?"

I didn't want to say anything that might create problems. "We haven't decided what we're going to do after I graduate. Obviously, we'll let you know soon."

"Just remember we need a thirty day notice if you want your deposit back. Now, let's see. You already have a storage room assigned. Did you lose your key?"

I didn't remember Jules mentioning one and didn't know where she would have put the key. "Is there a lost key charge?"

"Let me check the key box. If there are more than two copies of that key I won't have to charge you."

I followed him around to the large, wall-mounted key box. He opened the door and looked through the keys hanging on hooks until he pulled off a bundle. "There are four keys for that room. Here you go."

"Thanks! Where is it again?"

"Your unit opens to the parking lot. Go to the inside hallway and look for the door with S57 on it."

"I owe you, Todd!" When I left his eyes followed me out the door.

I decided to check out the storage room to see how much room there was for our stuff. The door was just where Todd had said, but I thought for a second it was the wrong key. After a long struggle there was a loud squeak and a click as the lock turned. I pulled open the door to see a small room with a few open boxes on the floor. It was barely four feet square, but would be enough free space for most of our things.

I went in to stack the boxes Jules had stored there, but stopped when I saw a pair of delicate black leather gloves. When I picked them up I noticed they would come almost to my elbows if I put them on. Under the gloves was a jumbled mess of leather, silk, lace, and chains. Each new thing I pulled out of the box awakened my body. A lace corset. A leather gag. A studded paddle. A leather riding crop.

It was the crop that stopped me from looking further. I'd felt the stinging slap of a crop before. Lydia introduced me to it in Orlando. I had believed that experience was an aberration, something caused by the revelation that Jules and John did not see our relationship as I did. Holding the crop brought an arousal and a tension I didn't think to feel again. I was gripped by a fascinated compulsion; I wanted to feel its sting.

I couldn't put it down. I stood in the dim storage room and rolled the leather bound stick between my fingers. The soft loop at the end flipped as it turned. My panties grew damp as I imagined that loop leaving red marks on my skin. I finally shivered as if waking from a dream. What the fuck was wrong with me?

I forced myself to put it down. My hands trembled as I closed the boxes and then stacked them in the corner to make room. After locking the door again, I walked back to the apartment, my footsteps sounded like the slap of the crop. I knew John wouldn't understand and would only be upset if I mentioned it to him. Jules must have hidden that part of her life from me, because I was certain I would have remembered her mentioning being involved in that kind of rough sex play.

I carried my book bag through the door and called out, "Honey, I'm home."

John came to meet me near the door with a kiss. "Jules won, as expected. Her parents didn't take it very well according to Deborah."

That news made me squeal and I hugged him tight. "Did the hospital call, too?"

"Not yet, but I just got the call from Deborah before you walked through the door."

I kissed him one more time and put my books on the coffee table. "There is a storage room that goes with the apartment. It's around on the inside hallway of this building. Jules only had a few boxes in there. We should be able to fit most of this stuff in there if we're careful."

"I'm good at Tetris. Let me get my shoes on and we'll go take a look."

We carried a couple of the boxes from the living room and began by arranging the room as best we could given the limited space. John put my boxes in the back since I didn't need anything from them until we moved to our new apartment. He was shifting Jules' boxes to the front when one box tipped over and spilled a noisy pile of chains onto the concrete floor.

John looked at the leather cuffs and straps tangled in chains for a second before turning to me. "Interesting."

"I saw them when I came earlier." I couldn't stop the hot blush that rose to my cheeks.

"So did you and Jules..." he asked, but stopped when he saw the look on my face.

"No. I had no idea she'd ever been into this kind of thing."

"Tell me what you are thinking right now." When I didn't respond immediately, he stood up and looked at me with a hard expression. I couldn't stop glancing at the end of the riding crop sticking out of the open box. "Tell me!"

I whispered, "I can't explain it."

"Try."

The words tumbled out before I could stop them. "I want you to make me."

"Make you what?"

"Tell you."

He saw my gaze, then reached down and pulled the crop out of the box. "With this?"

"Yes." I felt my eyes fill with tears as he looked at me with disgust.

He rolled the crop in his fingers, mirroring what I'd done earlier. "I told you I don't want to hurt you, Kate." The look of reproach on his face scared me. I didn't want this compulsion I felt become a wedge between us. I whispered, "I just can't stop thinking about it."

He reached out with the loop and ran it along my jaw. The tension it created made me draw a shuddering gasp.

"That's the same expression you make..." There was a war going on in his face between fascination and disgust. "Are you wet right now?"

"Yes."

"Show me."

I reached into my sweats and put my fingers into my panties. I pulled out my hand, showing thin strings and beads of moisture in between my spreading fingers. That was when I started crying. I couldn't bear to see him looking at me with that horrified expression and turned my head.

"Go get ready for work. I'll move the rest of the boxes and do the other stuff we talked about by myself. Just ... go." His voice sounded angry. I hid my face as I ran back to the apartment, sobbing at his harsh dismissal.

I quickly put on the black jeans and tee shirt I wore when working behind the bar. It was too early for my shift, but I didn't want to stay in the apartment with him like this. I left without saying goodbye and drove Jules' car toward work. There was a coffee shop nearby, so I stopped to kill some time and think.

I was drinking coffee and mindlessly browsing Reddit on my phone when I felt a sudden compulsion to bring up my phone's contact list. Lydia had wielded the crop the first time I felt its sting. I ended things cleanly, but she had given me her contact information in case I wanted to remain friends. I had never contacted her, but I did put her number in my phone so I would know if she tried to call me.

I felt so conflicted about what we'd done and what I still wanted to do. The look on John's face broke my heart. I had no one to talk to about it. My old friends still didn't even know about the three of us, never mind my new, more disturbing desires. Kendra didn't deserve me dumping any more on her. She had enough problems with her new relationship with Monica.

My thumb hovered over Lydia's name. The phone felt like it was a thousand feet below and I was looking down from the edge of a cliff. I closed my eyes, pushed the button, and put the phone to my ear. The ringing made me feel dizzy, like I was falling, but the sensation of falling stopped the moment I heard her voice.

"Hello?"

"Hi Lydia." The words felt as thin as mist. "It's Kate."

"Oh my God! I'm so happy you called me! How're you doing?"

"I'm—" I couldn't find the words.

"Kate, what's wrong?"

"I hate to bother you, but I have no one else I can talk to about ... I don't understand." I was whispering to avoid anyone hearing. "I never did the kind of things we did before. Now I can't stop thinking about them."

"What do you mean?"

"I only started sleeping with John at Christmas. He was my first. Jules was my second. You were my third. Something is wrong with me now and I don't know how to deal with it."

Silence.

"Lydia, the things we did, I thought I wanted it because I was angry, hurt."

Silence again, but after a moment she finally spoke. "You mean you never got into domination play before?"

"No. Well, only one other time, but it wasn't playing then either. My first time with Jules. She kind of forced me. At first. She was really rough."

"She raped you?"

I felt cold all over. "I raped her back. Eventually."

"Fuck me. Please, just tell me what the hell is going on!"

I lost control of my voice and said louder than I intended, "I want to feel it again! John doesn't understand." I whispered my confession, "Neither do I." I looked around, but no one seemed to notice.

"Oh, shit."

"He's been angry at me since Orlando. I thought we'd worked it out, but something happened today. We found a riding crop in Jules' stuff. I couldn't stop looking at it. He wanted me to explain why I'm so ... fascinated by it. How can I explain something to him I can't explain to myself?"