Day 98

I took the city bus to school like I did before vacation. I didn't own a car and didn't have a parking pass for Jules' car. It was a quiet trip and gave me time to think and prepare myself for the day. I had a thermos of hot coffee and my phone playing music in my ears. It was just like a normal morning, except for the fear filling my belly like an overdue child.

John had walked me to the bus stop and waited with me just in case the mysterious car was prowling around again. We didn't see anyone, but I felt eyes on me from every shadowed window and parked car. John tried to insist he drop me off at school. I knew he would miss part of his first virtual class if I let him, but I was really glad he waited with me until the bus arrived.

I'd called Hank about working at the bar during the week, and he asked me to close up on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. My classes on Tuesday and Thursday didn't start until 10:00 AM, and I really needed the money, so I agreed. It didn't leave much time for studying, but hopefully Jules would be coming home soon and I could make it up then.

As I walked across campus toward my class I realized how different things seemed when I looked around. Something had happened during our trip that had shifted my perspective. Not a complete change, but the kind of shift that might expose the difference between a real place and a movie set. From the audience everything might appear to be the same, but once you stepped to the left or right you could easily see that what appeared to be solid was actually false.

Before the trip I believed my loves and I would find a way to be together. While I still believed that, my new perspective showed me that love was not a gift we received from the universe. Love was the prize from a bloody fight we each had to win for ourselves. Only then would we be able to share it with each other freely.

Before the trip I never believed I would been the one to break our trust. My new perspective showed me that not only had I broken it, I'd begged to be broken myself. Instead of the faithful friend I'd always imagined myself, I realized now that I was capable of cruelty and betrayal. It was a sobering realization, but thankfully I'd discovered forgiveness as well.

I worked hard to stay focused through the lectures and took notes for later review and study. Between classes I spoke to a few of my regular acquaintances, but I couldn't bear to hear who someone liked this week or what happened over their spring break. It all seemed so pointless and trivial. I wanted to scream, "Don't you know my love is in the hospital! We haven't been able to speak to her for a week!" I feigned interested when I had to, and made my exit as soon as I could.

I left campus for lunch and walked to a quiet coffee shop nearby. I didn't want to spend money, so I just ordered a small coffee to keep myself going until I could get home. I sat at a table by myself to check my phone for messages and email when I realized someone was standing nearby waiting to catch my attention.

When I looked up I didn't recognize the slim woman standing there. She had short hair and was dressed comfortably in knit pants and a thin top. I raised my eyebrows and said, "Yes?"

"Are you Kate?"

I looked closer to see if I knew her, but still nothing came to me. "Yes. Do I know you?"

"No, but we have a few mutual friends. Jules, particularly. I'm Kendra. May I sit?"

"Sure." I moved my books and purse off the other chair and put them on the floor under mine.

"I heard that Jules was in the hospital and was worried about her. Someone mentioned that you two were ... close." I felt a flush rise at the way she emphasized the word.

"Yes, we are very close." It felt like we were almost talking in code. "I am not really comfortably talking about personal things with people I don't know. I'm sorry."

"I understand. It's just—" She leaned forward, looked down and whispered, "We were lovers once. It didn't work out, but I still—" I could see her struggling and felt pity when she couldn't continue.

"I understand." I tried to give her a supportive smile. "Jules is like a bee among flowers. We've been friends since we were girls, so I've seen how she can be."

She looked up with an expression of longing and sadness. "Please just tell me if she is okay. You don't have to tell me what happened or what it's about."

I considered what to say. I was worried about Jules, so how could I reassure Kendra when I didn't feel it myself? "I wish I could, but it's complicated." When she started crying quietly, people began to look at us. I reached over and took her hand. "Kendra, did you ever meet Jules' parents?"

She wiped her eyes with her other hand. "No."

"Then the details won't really mean anything to you anyway. This is something she's going to have to work through herself. It really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else, just her. I feel helpless because I can't help her either." My tears rose as well.

She looked up at that and glanced at my eyes as if to read the truth there. "Thank you. That helped more than you know." She squeezed my hand one time and sat back to rub her face. "Before Christmas we were so close. I kept suggesting we consider getting a place together." She laughed sadly. "Silly me!"

I felt a cold gnawing in my stomach when I realized I had probably caused their break up. The coffee shop seemed to take on a surreal quality as I listened to her confession.

"She texted me on the way back from Vermont to say she missed me. Then on New Years Day she stopped by my place in the evening and stalked around like an angry cat. I'd never seen her like that before. She was so rough with me that night, and then afterwards she said it was over between us. I never understood what happened."

The bitter taste of the coffee was suddenly unbearable. I could have told her what happened. Jules and I had fucked each other, our clothes ripped off in anger and heat. She forced me to release so hard I accidentally wet my bed. I made her cry out until she crawled away from me, too spent to continue. Then I called her a bitch and she said she had always loved me. I felt my scalp tingle as I sweat, feeling suddenly hot in the small café.

"Be careful, Kate. She may be a bee, and I may just be one more flower to her, but her sting really hurts."

"I will. I'm sorry for what it's worth."

"It's been four months, but when I heard she was in the hospital it was like no time had passed. I'm an idiot, what can I say?" She shook her head. "If you can let her know I was thinking about her I'd appreciate it. And if you ever find you need someone to talk to, you can call me." She wrote her name and number on a napkin and passed it to me. "I'm part of an informal GLAAD group on campus. If you are interested, I'll be happy to put you on our email list."

I know it seems totally stupid, but my first response was to tell her I wasn't gay. She must have seen something in my face because she flinched.

"I'm sorry, I thought you and Jules—"

I sat there with my mouth open for a moment as I tried to find some way to describe what we were. "I, uh..."

"Oh, shit, are you still in the closet? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to out you or anything."

"No, wait, it's complicated." I suddenly felt like I needed to explain. "It's ... I guess I've never really thought about it before."

She laughed out loud and covered her mouth. "You haven't really thought about it before? How do you decide to sleep with a girl and not think about it?"

I could see she was genuinely shocked and not trying to be mean. The absurdity of it got to me as well and I ended up laughing so hard that tears ran down my cheeks. "Wow, I'm the idiot now." People were looking at us now and I was getting uncomfortable. "I need to go back for class. Want to walk with me?"

The laughter continued to bubble up as we walked along the sidewalk back to campus. "I don't mean to rude, but I'm really not used to talking about sex and personal things with people I've just met. That being said, I could use some advice and don't know who else to ask."

"I offered to talk, so ask away." She had a beautiful smile. I could see something of what Jules must have liked about her.

"Just some background first. Jules and I have been friends since we were kids. She became the 'bee' you've met, but I never really dated anyone seriously until I hit it off with this great guy over Christmas break. When she came back from Vermont, I happily shared my news with her, but she reacted badly. In the end she confessed that she had always wanted to be with me."

We slowed to a stop as Kendra realized what that meant. "Oh my God, you were the reason she dumped me."

"Yes. I didn't even know she'd been seeing someone until you told me just now. I wanted you to know before I said anything else. I'll understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore."

"I'm a fucking idiot." She bit her cheek and shook her head. "But I really like you for some reason. So, what, she seduced you?"

We started walking again and thought about what to say. "Not exactly. She's always been my best friend and I didn't want to lose her. I also didn't want to give up my boyfriend. He is one in a million. Long story short, I introduced them both and we all hit it off. Fast forward four months and now we're in a relationship."

"Wait, all three of you?"

"Yeah."

"Holy shit, I'd never figured Jules would settle down, let alone in a poly group. He must be a hell of a guy. So then I guess you're bisexual?"

"I don't know. That word doesn't really sound like me. Neither does gay or polygamous or whatever. I'm just me, and I happen to love two people who just happen to be different genders. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "Sexual identity is a funny thing. People keep trying to put labels on everything and box people into easy categories. I'm only attracted to women, so when someone told me what gay was, I said that's for me." She chuckled a little as she said it.

"And I never really thought about women until I was afraid I'd lose Jules, but now I lust after her as much as I do John." For a moment, an image of Lydia's slim body came to mind, but I quickly pushed the thought away.

"Some people joke that bisexuals are just people who haven't admitted they're gay yet. Or worse, they just want to have sex with everybody. It's not exactly fair, but even in the gay community bisexuals are subtly excluded."

"When you ask me if I'm gay, or in the closet, or bisexual, I just don't know how to answer that. I'm a private person, despite this conversation. It bothers me that you found out about Jules hospitalization and my connection to her. I'm not bothered because I'm ashamed of loving her, but because it's no one else's fucking business."

"I see your point. So that clears up your perspective, what advice are you looking for?"

I took a deep breath. "Jules' parents are trying to force us apart. They've sent me legal threats and we believe they've hired private investigators to dig up dirt and scare us. It's working. We're going fight to stay together, but I don't really know what to do. I was hoping maybe someone you knew had been through this kind of thing before with their families and might have some advice."

"Shit. Let me think for a minute."

We walked along the path into the commons and I realized I was late for class. Just when I was going ask if we could meet up after class, Kendra started nodding her head like she got an idea.

"I don't know how much help you can get from the groups I'm a part of. The truth is most of the arguments against things like gay marriage point to polygamy as the next thing on the slippery slope. Lots of people in the LGBT community would personally support group lifestyles, but I doubt anyone I know around here would even discuss it for fear of hurting their own agenda. Tennessee ain't exactly progressive even for progressives, if you know what I mean."

"Oh." I understood what she was saying, but it actually hurt a bit hearing it.

"On the other hand, I know some people who are working to broaden the scope of marriage to include a bunch of unorthodox family structures. This isn't some group of crazy old white guys looking to justify their religious dogma, this is a bone fide crusade to make families out of people who just want to be families."

I caught my breath. "That's what we want. We want to be a family together."

"Give me your email. This guy I know isn't based in Tennessee. I met him at a function in Texas, of all places, but he is the real deal. He's a lawyer and has connections to all kinds of national resources and people who are trying to do exactly what you are doing. I'll shoot him a summary of what you told me and we'll see what he suggests."

"Oh my God, I can't thank you enough. I had no idea other people even thought about this kind of thing."

"Don't thank me yet. This may come to nothing, but it's worth a shot."

I wrote my email on a slip of paper for her, and then hugged her hard. "Thank you. I ... just thank you."

She looked surprised that I hugged her and gave me a sideways smile. "I hope it works out for you. Give me a call to let me know how it goes."

I was late to class, but the professor was writing on the whiteboard when I slipped in. I tried to calm myself down enough to pay attention, but I still managed to daydream part of the class away.

The bus ride home was less scary than the ride in for some reason. Perhaps it was the number of people on the campus making me feel safer in a crowd. All I know is that I felt like I could breathe again. It didn't last long.

I walked into the apartment complex from the road and saw John standing next to his car with the trunk open. He turned as I approached and I gave him a kiss hello.

"What's up?"

"I got thinking about something. How did they know we were at Chris' house if no one was following us from the mall?"

"I don't know. What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking they've either bugged the apartment to hear us talk, or they've planted some kind of tracking device on the cars."

I glanced around the parking lot. "John, you're scaring me."

"I'm sorry. I haven't found anything in the apartment, but honestly I have no idea what I'm even looking for. The stuff you can find on the Internet is wild. They have smoke detectors with cameras, tiny USB dongles that record all your key strokes, and audio transmitters that work over WiFi and are smaller than a watch battery. It's been driving me nuts thinking about it, and I'm tired of doing my school work, so I've been looking around while I clean."

"We were in Jules car yesterday."

"I know. I was waiting until you got home so there would be another person here if we find anything."

"Let me go put my stuff down and I'll come help you." I put my things away and got a drink of water at the sink. The fear was back and gnawed at my guts like I was drinking acid.

I opened Jules' car and we pulled out all the papers and trash that seems to accumulate in a vehicle. I checked the driver and passenger areas while John popped the hood and trunk to look there. Next he crawled under the rear of the car until his legs were all that showed.

"Son of a bitch."

"What?"

"Come down here with me and look at this."

I climbed down next to him and stuck my head under the wheel well. He was pointing to a black tube stuck to the frame of the car. A thin black wire trailed out of one end. I felt goose bumps run all over when I realized what it was.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket. "I want to take a picture before I touch it."

"Are you sure you want to touch it?"

"Not really."

"Maybe we should call someone first."

"Who?"

"How about that attorney that Chris mentioned." He thought about it for a bit and nodded as he took a few pictures.