Day 95

Day 95

I rolled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom. After four days of picking up extra shifts at the mall and the bar, I was a wreck. The good news was the house money jar now had enough to pay rent before it would be counted as late. I looked at my wild hair and swollen eyes in the mirror.

"Girl, you need a make over."

I pulled my hair back and tried to imagine what I'd look like if I cut it off. I'd had long hair most of my life and it currently was long enough to reach between my shoulder blades. I held it up to see what it would look like bobbed off just below my jaw. I had enough money left over after paying rent to afford a haircut, assuming I didn't mind eating ramen noodles next week. I had to think about it some more, but I liked the idea of making a change.

I took a shower and got dressed to go out. One of the nice things about living with Jules was that we got to share our clothes. She was taller and wore larger sized shoes than I did, but we were able to share many of our blouses, skirts, and shorts. I had been wearing some of her clothes because it made me feel closer to her. I put on one of her colorful silk tops and ran my palms over the smooth fabric, squeezing my breasts as I buttoned it up with a sigh. It had been a long, lonely week for me. I missed my loves.

My mind wandered through all the things I needed to do. First up was getting a money order to pay rent. To make certain it was received on time, I planned to take it to the apartment manager's office in person and get a receipt.

I'd been steadily eating my way through our groceries, so a trip to the grocery store was becoming necessary. Luckily I was working the late shift and should earn enough in tips to keep from starving over the weekend. I had resorted to eating a dusty can of tuna and some stale crackers for dinner after I'd gotten home from the bar. It was a pretty pathetic dinner, but I was so tired I didn't really care.

I was starting to get the hang of being a bartender. It was actually fun once the initial panic wore off. The staff was friendly and started to trust me more, as did the manager, Hank. He had come in two nights before, but left again when he saw things running smoothly. Whatever stomach flu he had was no joke. I hadn't known him all that well before, but even I could see he had lost a lot of weight.

It was noon before I got out of the apartment. The mailbox was on the way to the car, so I stopped to pick up our mail. When I saw the letter from Jules sticking out from the bills and junk mail I sobbed in relief. I ran back to the apartment dialing John's phone number. After unlocking the door, I sat down at the kitchen table to open the letter.

"Hello?"

"I've got a letter from Jules. Let me open it and I'll read it to us."

"Thank God. I swear I don't have any fingernails left."

I began reading it as soon as I had it out of the envelope.

"Dear Kate and John,

"First, thank you for being my friends and loving me enough to help me.

"I have made enough progress to be allowed the privilege of communicating with the outside world. However, I am still at the mercy of a bunch of cavemen who expect me to scratch words out with a stick on this flat piece of wood pulp. Worse, they inspect everything going in and out, so I am certain a copy of this will get added to the growing binder they keep on me. I miss the Internet and texting almost as much as I miss you both.

"I don't know where to begin, so sorry if this jumps all over. They have given me medicine to slow down my thoughts. It makes me feel like my head is stuffed with wool, but I haven't had another panic attack like the one I had on Sunday. I even sleep okay, but I miss our puppy piles even more than I thought I would.

"Dr. Valverde is really patient. At this point I've told him everything, or at least the major points. I didn't feel like he judged me for any of it. He keeps bringing me back to talking about my parents, but I don't see what he is getting at. He refuses to explain anything, just asks me endless questions and writes in his tablet. Sometimes I think I see where he is trying to lead me, but he is such a stone wall I can't tell if I've gotten there or not.

"I've got a family meeting of some kind scheduled for this afternoon. He wants to get things out in the open so we can talk about them. I don't know if he means old stuff or new stuff, so maybe my parents will be the first to find out about us. I don't know what the fallout will be, but I am going to trust you both will be able to handle it.

"The other people in here are freaks, to put it mildly. I've never met a sadder bunch of tweakers, spazzes, and losers in my life. In other words, I fit right in! Seriously, the group sessions here are odd, but most of the people I've met at least try to care. Kate, do you remember Monica from high school? She was in our journalism class, remember? She's been in here for a couple of weeks and is due to get out this weekend. I'm not supposed to say anything specific about what goes on in here, so I'll leave it at that.

"I miss you both so much. I want you to know that I'm working hard on fixing whatever the hell is wrong with me. I will wait to say what I really want to say to both of you in person. Give each other hugs and kisses from me.

"Jules"

I heard John breathing heavily on the other end of the line. "Are you OK?"

"Give me a minute." I heard him blow his nose. "Sorry, I got a little torn up listening to that. I can't tell you how relieved I feel right now."

"I'm not."

"Why?"

"She sent us a couple of coded messages in there."

"Huh?"

"This letter was sent yesterday. I had two missed calls while I was working last night from her parents' home number and another from an unknown number this morning."

"So we can guess which way the family meeting went."

"Also, Monica was someone we both had problems with. She was a notorious gossip and lied as easy as breathing. By mentioning her and then the rule about not saying anything about what goes on inside, she was warning me that Monica will probably be telling everyone what she knows about us."

"Is that a problem?" He almost seemed hurt.

"It depends on how you look at it. I have no problem telling people about us, but she won't be talking about our love and commitment, if you know what I mean."

"Ah, I see."

"This will eventually get around to Mom. I feel bad for how I told her, but at least she heard it from me first. I should probably call her and at least try to warn her this might be coming. She seemed pretty scared her friend Chris was going to find out about you and me."

"I really don't see what the big deal is about the cousin thing. Even if we were blood relatives, people have married first cousins throughout history. I did a little research and it's legal for first cousins to marry in over twenty states, including Tennessee and Virginia, and forty-seven states allow marriage of adopted first-cousins."

I felt my throat close. "You really checked?"

"Yeah, I was curious. I can't believe Louisiana, Oregon and Texas actually try to stop adopted cousins from getting married. That just seems dumb."

He seemed oblivious to the effect his statement had on me. I couldn't stop smiling, but tried to not let it show in my voice. "Well, you're preaching to the choir, Babe." I scanned the letter again to see if I missed anything.

"I miss you so much." He made me melt a little the way he said it.

"I wish you could be here this weekend."

There was a pause and I heard him take a deep breath. "Don't get your hopes up, but I've met with a couple of my professors who were on campus this week. If I can get permission, I may be able to do some work remotely."

"What does that mean?"

"Some of my classes have online lectures and course work that parallels what we do on campus. I'm waiting for a response from two more professors, but if they agree I would have more flexibility in my schedule."

"Yes, but what does that mean?!" I was gripping my phone hard enough to hurt my hand.

"I would be allowed to do some of my course work online. I could stay over there with you and Jules sometimes. I would still have to take tests and deliver my lab work on campus, but I could go there off and on without the professors and TAs penalizing me for missing class."

I started giggling. I don't know why, but I couldn't stop. It grew and grew until I heard him start to laugh at me on the other end. After a couple of minutes I got myself under control and wiped my eyes.

"I take it you'd be OK with that?" He was still chuckling.

"Yes," I squeaked. I didn't trust myself to stay more than that without starting up again. I took deep breaths to try and keep control of myself.

"I hope to find out before Monday when classes start, but I'll definitely know by then."

"You have made my day." I did a wiggly little dance in the kitchen. "I need to go pay rent, but I will call you later. And if you find out anything about being able to come back here, you'd better call me immediately."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I left the rest of the mail in a pile on the table, grabbed my keys and purse, and opened the door to leave. Jules' mother, Shannon, stood in the doorway with her hand raised to knock.

"Kate." She was wearing a comfortable looking track suit and matching sneakers.

"Hi." I was too stunned to move for moment, but I eventually regained my composure.

"May I come in?" I backed away from the door and gestured inside.

She walked in slowly, looking around as if she had never visited before. "I was hoping I could catch you at home. I tried to call a few times, but hadn't been able to reach you."

I walked towards the kitchen table and put my keys and phone back in my purse. "I've been working both Jules' shifts as well as my own job. The last week has been a little rough, but I don't need to tell you that."

"No." She stood with her hands gripping the back of a chair. "Would you mind if we had some coffee and talked for a minute?"

I felt the butterflies in my stomach turn on their afterburners. "Sure. Have a seat and I'll put on a pot."

My mind was spinning as I filled the coffee machine with water and coffee. I had been around Jules' family plenty of times over the years, but her parents never paid much attention to us. While they had never been especially warm towards me, they never treated anyone else any better so I didn't take it personally. Jules had moved out on her own as soon as she'd turned eighteen and found a steady job, and I'd hardly seen them since.

Shannon pulled out a chair and sat down, still looking around at the apartment. I was uncomfortably aware of the stack of boxes in the living room that contained the rest of my things.

"You've made a lovely home here."

"Thanks, but I can't claim any credit. Jules did all the decorating before I arrived."

"She never let me see it before. I didn't even know what to expect."

I tried not to react to that comment. I know Jules guarded her privacy with her lovers, but I had no idea she had never invited her own mother into her apartment. That fact drove home how hard it must have been for her to allow me into her life.

I stood with my back to the sink and waited for the coffee to finish. "I'd offer you something to eat, but we don't have any snacks right now. I need to go shopping again after I pay rent."

Her eyes sparkled when I said that for some reason. "Will you have enough?"

She was making the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. "Yes." I didn't elaborate.

We stared at each other long enough for it to become uncomfortable. I was saved by the hissing gurgle of the coffee pot as it finished brewing. The aroma made my stomach growl. "Do you take cream or sugar?"

"No, black is fine."

I poured us two cups and sat down beside her at the table. As I sat, I realized she was trying to pull off some kind of power play by making me serve her. I sipped my coffee, not letting her throw me off balance. Finally I said, "I understand you had a long talk with Jules at the hospital." I didn't elaborate on how I knew, and took another sip of coffee.

She looked puzzled. "I was told the hospital didn't allow contact during this initial evaluation period." I shrugged and stayed quiet, waiting for her to get to the point.

"My husband was very emotional after her confession. I was somewhat more prepared." She paused again, searching my face with an unreadable expression.

"Shannon, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a lot to do today. Is there something specific I can help you with?"

"People always say that, but it's never true. You did mean to be rude. You want me to hurry up and leave so you can continue your coy game with my daughter."

I refused to rise to her bait. Silence is the best defense when someone is trying to manipulate you.

"I've suspected that you and she were lovers for years. Jules tried to say that it only happened recently, but I don't actually believe her. She had told me you kissed as girls. I heard her crying your name in her sleep sometimes. It is obvious to me that you have used her to get ahead. After all, look where you live now. You drive her car. You use her computer." She gestured to my blouse. "You wear her clothes."

I couldn't stop the flush, but I still managed to control my face.

She leaned forward with an expression of contempt. "You even got to enjoy a lovely few days at the beach last week at her expense, or rather with my husband's credit card." She hissed at me, "You fucked my daughter with your whore mouth and got paid for the privilege. Tell me, how does that feel?"

I was shaking. I had never been so angry in my life. I wanted to kill her and tear her viscera with my fists. My mouth lept ahead of my brain and I said, "It feels like love, which explains why you have to ask."

"You're saying I don't love her? She is the only good thing I've ever made."

"You made her? You made her insane, Shannon! You may think you know about us, but I can sure as hell see you don't. I also see the track marks you've left all over her lifeâ€"" I had to stop. I had to think. I forced my mouth closed and put some damn coffee in it to keep it closed.

She composed herself as well. "You asked how you could help me. You could start by taking this sick, incestuous relationship with your cousin out of her life for a start."