Day 109

It was a long, lonely week, but I made it through to Friday. I spent my days between school and work, filling my down time studying and catching up in my journal. Mom met me for dinner on Monday night. We laughed and chatted for two hours. She told me colorful stories about all the people we'd met at Chris' party on Sunday. It felt like old times between us.

I saw Kendra at school a few times, but managed to excuse myself from spending time with her without being too obvious about it. She seemed tired and really down to me. After Jules and John had both pointed out the attention she paid me the other night, I did notice her giving me lingering looks. It didn't seem definitive, but I supposed they could be right.

I spoke to Jules every couple of hours all week long. She contracted a real estate agent to help find us a place, and had toured all over town looking at apartments, rental houses, and even a few town homes and condominiums. Her excitement was infectious when she called to share details and pictures she'd taken with her phone. It really helped make me feel like I was part of things.

John's roommate was staying at his girlfriend's apartment, so they had his dorm room to themselves. We had long goodnight calls where we talked about the day and Jules told us both about the places she saw. I got a new perspective on what John went through the first three months. Watching them say goodnight together and then hang up the call was intensely difficult. The apartment was so quiet without their presence. I didn't cry, but it was a near thing.

Jules was as good as her word and brought up my call to Lydia. Obviously I wasn't there to see John's reaction, but he did call me to let me know that he understood and wasn't angry with me. I was so relieved. I got their approval before calling Lydia one last time to let her know things were working out and to make a clean end. She was happy everything worked out for me, but I could tell she was still a little disappointed I wouldn't be calling her anymore.

On Wednesday night, John and Jules invited some of his friends out to dinner. We'd met most of them during our visits. Jules said there were about ten at the restaurant that night. During the meal he explained that he was seeing the two of us and that we were planning to move in together over the summer.

John said they were all happy and supportive at his announcement, but Jules told me privately on Thursday that his best friend Mark had seemed a little worried. I probed to see if John had shared what had happened with Sarah last year, but she didn't seem to know. It wasn't my place to tell his story, so I just listened to her try to figure out why Mark might be worried and held my tongue.

So on Friday morning I made myself a sack lunch and went to school. The story of our relationship, the outcome of Jules' commitment hearing, and the antics of her gangster father were becoming old news. I scarcely heard a whisper or drew a glance as I went through my morning classes.

I returned to the table in the library where I'd been spending my lunch time and found Kendra sitting there looking at her phone. When I walked up she stared up at me with a wary expression.

"Have I done something to make you angry with me?"

"No." My stomach suddenly felt tight.

"Then why have you gone out of your way to avoid me all week?"

I debated what to say, deciding after a moment to go with honesty. "Jules thinks you really like me."

"I do." She continued to stare, her eyes holding mine. I could see the little movements as she looked between my eyes and lips. I finally put my bags down and sat across from her.

"You know I don't feel the same way you do." I searched her face, wishing this conversation wasn't actually happening.

"I know."

I tried to rephrase what Jules had actually said in a gentler way. "She asked if I'd try to slow things down a little."

Kendra looked down at her hands and made fidgety movements with her fingers. "I am not trying to change anything. I know how things are. I just want to be friends, Kate."

"We are friends." I spoke softly and tried to make her feel what I was saying. "But I'm leaving soon. Jules is looking at places in Norfolk this week. We've got less than a month of school left and then I'll be gone."

"You're not gone yet." Her eyes were wet. "Please," she whispered.

"It's hopeless. This has to be so hard for you. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I can't explain it. Not without embarrassing us both." The chair squeaked loudly against the tile floor as she stood. "I'm sorry, just forget it. I should have stopped before it came to this." She handed me a piece of paper.

"What is this?"

"The response from the guy in Texas that helps people in complex relationships." I glanced at the printed email. It had a number of questions for us and links to additional information. I saw it was dated a week ago and looked up at her. She couldn't look me in the eyes. "It was like a talisman of hope. I almost gave it to you half a dozen times before now. I'm sorry I kept it so long. I've got to go." She walked away swiftly. I had to stop myself from calling her name. I looked down and stared at the paper without reading the words for a long time.

Monica's voice in my ear made me jump as she bent to look at the paper Kendra had given me. "What's this?"

"It's none of your business." I don't know why I jerked the paper away. There was nothing particularly private about it.

"First Jules, now Kendra." Her pale complexion showed rage even though her expression and voice were neutral. "What's so special about you, Kate?"

"Nothing," I whispered. I was suddenly scared of her. She stared at me without blinking for a long time, then turned to follow Kendra's path out of the library.

That blank look Monica gave me haunted me throughout my afternoon classes. I recalled Jules' warning, and it made me paranoid as I made my way to the bus for the trip back to our apartment. I listened to music and tried to put the whole encounter out of my mind, but the eerie feeling still lingered as I arrived at the apartment.

My phone rang just as I walked through the door. I put down my book bag on the kitchen table when I saw it was Jules.

"Hey."

"What's wrong?"

"Monica. She freaked me out a little."

"What happened?"

"I went to the library to study during lunch. Kendra was sitting at my usual table waiting for me. She asked why I was avoiding her all week. I told her what you thought." I sighed and shook my head. "She said you were right."

"Told you. When did Monica appear?"

"Right after Kendra walked away. She was cold, creepy. All she said was 'First Jules, now Kendra' then walked away. I know it sounds stupid, but the look in her eyes really scared me."

"Fuck. I wish we were already there. Promise me you'll be careful tonight."

"I will."

"I'm serious. Is your shift with Anton?

"Yes."

"Then stick close to him until we get there. OK?"

"I promise."

"OK, on to good news. We're signing a lease on the little house I showed you pictures of yesterday, so we won't be back until late."

"Great! I loved the backyard. I can't wait to see it in person!"

"I know, I'm so excited to show you! I'm going to put your info on the lease and the agent said you can sign it when you get here."

"Are you sure you can cover the first month and deposit?"

"Actually first, last, and deposit since we are moving here without jobs."

"Shit!"

"It's cool." Jules laughed. "Actually, it was the money I planned to pay Dad back for using his credit card at the hotel in Florida. Now that they've stolen the trust my grandmother left me, he can drop dead before I pay him a dime."

"What time do you think you'll be getting in?"

"Our appointment with the landlord's agent is after John gets out of school at 2:00 PM. I hope we will be on the road by 4:00 PM. If so, we should be there by midnight."

"Will you stop by the bar and see me on your way in? I miss you both so much."

"Of course. John was so cute when I brought up the idea this morning. He does this little half smile whenever I mention you."

"I know! He does it about you, too."

She chuckled and was quiet for a bit. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate you letting us have this time together."

I grinned at the embarrassed tone in her voice. "I'm glad. And thank you for doing the legwork finding us a place. It sounds like you've had a wonderful week from everything you've said."

"And the date that last night in Orlando, too. You..." She stopped for a long time.

"What?"

"You made room for both of us in your life. You brought us all together and gave me something I'd never dreamed I'd have. It was great enough finally being with you, but John..."

"I know." Tears fell on my lap. "I know."

"And I know that you know! I just want you to hear it from me. It means so much that you risked losing him to keep me. I see now just how big a risk that was."

"I'm just grateful you both took me back after Orlando. I still hate that I could have done that to you."

"We all played a part in that, it wasn't just you. No matter how it feels."

"Yeah, but I still need to remind myself what I'm capable of and be on guard against it."

"I understand, believe me. This has been so exciting, but I can still feel the old panic pushing in sometimes. We all have our own demons. Even John."

"What do you mean?"

"He told me about Sarah last night."

"Oh, that had to be hard."

"Yeah, but it explained so much. Now I see why he insisted I get help."

"That was what his friend was worried about the other night. I didn't want to say anything until he told you himself. He's just worried about John getting hurt again."

"I see that now."

"Is he okay?"

"This morning he sure was." Jules let out a low laugh.

"Yeah," I grinned. "I can't wait to find out for myself."

"Tonight, unless you're too tired."

"Then I'll drink coffee at work."

"Good. I miss you. It's going to be nice to sleep in our bed. The twin bed in the dorm room was fun at first, but the novelty's worn off."

"I bet. Drive safe."

"We will. Bye."

"Bye."

I took a little nap on the couch while the television news played quietly. I eventually got up to shower and dress for work. I was excited about them coming home which kept a happy smile on my face the whole time.

The bar was already hopping at shift change, so I did my prep work quickly and jumped in to help. Anton and I had fun on our shifts together. Between bursts of orders he taught me bar tricks, like how to spin the stainless steel mixer on my palm.

Anton spun the mixer again, then rolled it up his fingers and back to his palm. "See, it's just about keeping your movements smooth."

"You say that, but you play bass and a ton more video games than I do." I fumbled a spin and had to catch the falling mixer with both hands.

"You'll get there." He twirled a glass and a mixer at the same time. "So, you guys are moving to Norfolk?"

"John's got two more years at Old Dominion and we don't want to wait."

"When's your last day?"

"May 24th."

"It won't be the same without Jules around here. You too, but she has been one of the reasons this place took off. I'm going to miss both of you, and I know Hank is going to lose his mind trying to find your replacements."

I smiled and nodded. "I appreciate you saying that. I'll miss working with you, too, but we have a few weeks yet."

We got busy for a while and I slipped into that timeless flow. It was easy to let go and just work. I forgot my troubles and just filled glasses and mugs for our thirsty customers.

It was after dark when I noticed Kendra setting at the corner of the bar where John had spent so many hours waiting for my shift to end. Anton had been working that side and I'd been too focused on my end to notice. She appeared to have a gin and tonic in front of her, but was staring into the glass and stirring it slowly with a straw.

I didn't have time to talk to her just then, so I kept working. Anton was out for a smoke break and I had to cover the whole bar for a bit. Things finally slowed down and I leaned close. "Hi."

She looked up and I saw her red-rimmed eyes. "Hi."

"Are you OK?"

"No. Another gin and tonic please."

I poured her a drink and bumped the count on her tab. This was her sixth. "You may want to slow down." I put the fresh drink down and took her empty.

"I didn't drive."

"How'd you get here?"

"Monica, but she left. We had a fight."

"I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." She leaned back over her drink and ignored me.

I got busy again until Anton came dancing back into the bar and whispered, "Take a break if you need to."

"Just need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

I ducked under the bar top and headed to the restroom. The relative silence was a relief as I shut the door and sat in the stall. After a few moments I heard a sniff and sob from the next stall and looked down under the wall to see if I recognized the shoes. "Kendra?"

The crying stopped and the shoes moved a little. "What?"