Day 91

I stumbled through the door of the apartment at 3:00 AM, stinking of sour beer and cigarettes. My part-time experience waiting tables had not prepared me for working behind the bar.

"Honey, I'm home," I sang out quietly from the front door.

John was sitting on the floor in the dimly lit living room with Jules' laptop open in front of him on the coffee table. He looked up with blood-shot eyes and a sad, weary smile. "She finally agreed to admit herself."

"I'd hoped she would." I put my keys and purse on the coffee table and bent down to give him a quick kiss before collapsing behind him on the couch.

"How'd it go tonight." He hit send on the email he'd been writing and leaned back against me on the couch. I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Fucking sucked. I survived. Made bank. How about you?"

"Lots of waiting. Jules slowly fell apart over the course of the afternoon and evening. It was hard to watch."

"I'm sorry. I wish I'd been there, but I knew she wouldn't stay if I didn't cover her shift."

"Were you still there when her parents showed up?"

"No, I left around three."

"They seemed nice, under the circumstances. Her Dad's rich or something?"

"Big rich, for the area anyway. So what happened after I left?"

"Doctor Valverde spent a couple of hours with her and finally got her to open up and talk. Afterwords she looked pretty wrung out. Hugged her parents and me. I hung back to let her talk to her mom. Her dad and I stood around with our hands in our pockets. He wanted me to thank you for looking out for her."

"That was nice of him. It must have been a little weird."

"Yeah." He shut his eyes and let me massage his neck. "Her mom was the one who finally got her to agree. She kissed me before they took her back to the unit. Her parents seemed a little bothered by that for some reason. I don't think she told them everything about us yet. I came back here to put some clothes together for her, but they wouldn't let me see her when I went back to the hospital again."

"Did you remember to take her allergy medicine?"

"They wouldn't allow any medicines in from the outside. I guess some people smuggle drugs in. The place is part psych hospital and part drug rehab. The only thing I could bring in were seven days worth of clothes. She wanted sweats, shorts, tee shirts, stuff like that. I left both of our numbers with them in case she needs something else during the week."

"Thank you for doing that. Did they say how long she'll be in?"

"At least a week. She can't have any visitors." He took a big breath and let it out slowly.

I had to ask the question that had been haunting me all day. "John, did we do the right thing?"

"Yeah, we did." I could see his jaw muscles clench. "I made the mistake of ignoring something like that once. Never again."

"I didn't know."

"I mentioned the drama from last year, I just didn't elaborate."

I felt goose bumps. "Someone you knew tried to—?"

"I really don't want to talk about it right now."

"It's OK." I hugged him from behind. "I need to get the bar stink off of me." I stood up and stretched my back. The achy soreness in my stomach warned me of my impending period. I'd taken the last pill for the month yesterday, so I knew it was coming, but I still wished it had waited another day or two.

"Mind if I come sit with you while you shower? I don't feel like being alone right now." I smiled and took his hand to pull him up. We hugged for a long moment until he pulled back and wrinkled his nose. "You're right. Let's go get you cleaned up."

We held hands as we walked up the stairs and I said, "Thank you for everything."

"And thank you for everything." He squeezed my hand. "Make it work, right?"

"Make it work." I agreed and squeezed him back.

I picked out a soft cotton nightie, my large cotton granny panties, and a thick pad, then laid them out on the bed. He watched me undress with a smile. "Started today?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"It's fine." He chuckled. "Even oddly erotic given our history." John had stayed with Mom and me over Christmas. We'd felt a certain erotic tension for a few days, then my period started. He saw me suffering with cramps and offered to help with a stomach massage. It was heavenly, then one thing led to another.

"If that is an offer to help me again, I'll gladly take you up on it."

"You know I'll be happy to, but you'll want to shower twice if I do. Why don't I come in with you to save some time."

"That sounds wonderful."

He quickly undressed while I ran the water to get it hot. "I'm really tired, so I apologize in advance if it doesn't work as well as last time."

We stood in the warm spray and kissed for a long time, letting the stress wash away with the water. He rubbed me along my stomach as we kissed, digging in with his strong fingers to loosen the tight muscles. I leaned against the wall and let him hold me up as his fingers moved lower. The cramping ache melted away as he pressed and squeezed, but it was replaced by a tingling desire for release.

"Sweetheart, I know you are tired, but would you be up for something more?"

Growling in response, he lifted me easily, letting me slip my legs around his waist. He pressed me against the wall of the shower and kissed my neck with a renewed energy. I felt his shaft pressing against me as he rocked back and forth to inch his way inside. All I could do was hang on and bite his shoulder as he found a steady rhythm.

"Thank you, thank you," I whispered as I kissed his face. We lost ourselves in the moment as he moved me closer to the edge. I began to gasp and groan, squeezing him harder as the moment came. I pushed down at the end to force him deeper inside, then hung limply as he slowed to a stop.

After I recovered I asked, "Didn't you want to finish?"

"I didn't want to add to the mess," he said, then kissed me on the cheek. I realized neither one of us had mentioned using a condom. Jules was adamant about staying safe, but we obviously didn't have her habits yet.

"You are amazing." I hugged him as he lowered me back down to stand. I noticed we'd blooded the sword, so I got the shower head to clean us both. When he was clean, I let him get out so I could finish alone.

I worried about him as I watched him dry off through the shower curtain. He seemed distant and distracted, which was understandable given what we were going through. What caused me to worry was his comment about the drama from last year.

What was happening with Jules seemed to resonate with something that happened in the past. The quiet, almost off-hand comment she made seemed to trigger a fast reaction in him that bordered on panic. I was alarmed as well, but I have to admit I didn't think to do what he did. I probably would have talked to her about it, but I wouldn't have thought to consult a professional right away.

He was laying in bed with his hands behind his head, wearing pajama bottoms and a white undershirt. He stared at the ceiling while I dressed. When I climbed in next to him, I put one arm under his pillow so I could rest my head on his chest. He brought one arm down to cradle my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I rubbed his stomach and chest tenderly.

"Not really."

"It's more than just Jules, isn't it."

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Yeah."

"You don't have to talk about it, but you know I'll listen if you ever want to."

"Not tonight, please."

"OK." I noticed him tenting his pajamas a little. "Would you like to finish now?"

"That would be nice." He rubbed my shoulder gently.

I took my time and just kept rubbing him on his stomach to help him relax. When I finally slid my fingers through the slit in the pajamas he was taking deep breaths and making a quiet hum deep in his chest. I brought him out carefully and kept a very slow pace as I touched and rubbed him from tip to base.

I allowed myself time to fondle and explore him in the dim light. We were often so driven by passion that we leapt straight to more vigorous things. I intended to linger a while. I wanted to enjoy him more, to let him build up slowly and increase his pleasure as well.

His head was soft and pliable as I pushed it through a tunnel I made with my fingers and thumb. After stroking him a few more times I saw the first clear drops appear on the tip. I carefully collected them with my fingertips to smooth them around and make him slippery.

I kept squeezing and pushing him through my fist, making a bigger mess with each passing moment. He started holding his breath when I pushed my fingers down, so I knew he was getting closer. I felt him nudge my shoulder and bent down to press my lips against him. The next time I pushed my fingers down, I slid my lips over his head and took him smoothly into my mouth.

His personal flavor was something I'd grown to love. The first time I tasted him I thought it was interesting, but not something I'd put on ice cream. Now after months of associating his taste with the intense pleasure he gave me, I had become as hungry for him as I was for a favorite dish. I kept moving my hand as I slowly slid my tongue around, letting his pleasure build for as long as he could stand it.

When I felt him tense, I slid my hand down to cup and massage him lower. The first twitches signaled his release, so I held my breath and slid him in as far as I could. He cried out, gripping my nightgown and hair in his fist as he emptied himself into my mouth.

I slid back far enough to breath, but didn't take him out straight away. I stayed still to keep him warm and wet as sporadic pulses pushed out the last few drops on my tongue. Eventually he softened and slipped out on his own.

"Thank you." He rubbed my shoulders and hair, sighing deeply.

I tucked him back into his pajamas and gave him a satisfied pat. After snuggling back into his chest, I kissed his cheek and began to fall asleep. A few hours later I woke when he got up to go to the bathroom. It was still dark outside, but I stretched and sat up anyway, too awake to fall right back asleep.

Without Jules, my whole world felt out of balance. Sitting on our bed with her things all around made me unbearably sad. I lay back down on our pillow and took deep breaths to find her scent there. John came back into the bedroom and found me crying into the pillow.

"What's wrong?" He sat beside me on the bed and rubbed my back.

I was feeling so low I couldn't stop letting it all spill out. "I'm worried about Jules. I'm worried about you. Everything is broken now and it's my fault."

He climbed back into the bed and stroked my back. "Don't take on more than you own. You aren't responsible for her emotional issues. You aren't responsible for mine either. The worst thing you did was to expect more from our relationship than we did at the time. You know that isn't an issue anymore."

"But it kills me to know I hurt her like that; I never knew how much my laughter—"

"You were kids then. I know you feel responsible, but you need to keep some perspective, Kate. What you did might have triggered something, but the underlying issue was there before you did anything and has nothing to do with you."

"How do you know?" I was a little irritated by his comments and tone.

"I spent a while seeing a professional after last year. I had to after what happened."

I kept quiet partly because I didn't know what to say, but also because I hoped he'd open up about what happened.

He rubbed my back and took a deep breath. "I can't sleep anyway. Why don't we go make some coffee."

After we sat at the kitchen table with our cups, John took a deep breath and said, "Her name was Sarah. I'm not going to tell you everything because it still..." He cleared his throat and continued. "I'll tell you what I can. We dated for most of my sophomore year. She was brilliant, funny, and deep."

"She sounds nice."

"She was."

"Was?"

He paused for a moment and then said, "Yeah." I had to look away from him then.

"My freshman year was hard for me. I'd gone to private schools all through high school, so I was really nervous that whole year. I didn't date much. Made a few friends, but never really hit my stride. That summer I took a couple of classes and picked up a part-time job. That was where I met Sarah."

"Where did you work?"

"Movie theater. It sucked, but I love movies. The staff always had private screenings of new movies before we opened them to the public. Anyway, we got close there and when school started back in the fall we hooked up pretty regularly and became exclusive. I started noticing her mood swings, but she mostly kept to herself when she was down, as she called it. She'd dealt them for years, she said."

I sipped my coffee and studied his face. He was telling it like a rehearsed story, like something he might have written in an essay, but I knew his signs. He kept gripping the coffee mug like he was testing its strength. He looked around me rather than at my face. His pain made me want to cradle his head in my lap, or to be the big spoon for him as he had done so often for me.

"She never came out and told me what she was planning, but looking back it seems like neon signs were spelling it out. Instead of trying to help her, I just complained about her moods and made her feel worse. She left a note that said..." He cleared his throat again and gripped his mug. "She said I made her feel so good that when she was down it'd become unbearable.

"Oh, John." I covered my mouth with my hands.

"I can't stand to go into the details, but I will never let anyone I care about say something like Jules said without doing something." He had tears standing in his eyes and looked so angry. "Never again."

"I understand, sweetheart." Bits and pieces were beginning to fall in place. "When did this happen?"

"Over winter break last year. I was home when I got word from a friend who lived nearby. I never told my parents, but a few friends who had known us both helped keep me going. At one point I felt like I was going crazy and had to see a councilor at school for a bit. I went home again over the summer, but it felt like I was an extra in someone else's movie. My parents could tell something was wrong, but I still couldn't stand to talk about it. After that I didn't want to go home and spoil Christmas for them.

"So you came to see Mom and me. Oh my God, John, why didn't you tell me?"

"I am telling you. You are the first person I've told since I talked to the councilor last year."

I was shaking as I went to him and knelt beside his chair. "I'm so sorry this happened to you."

He touched my shoulder. "I'm sorry, too." He swallowed hard and shook his head. "Thinking I lost you last week ... please just talk to me next time I do something that makes you mad. OK?"

He was trying so hard not to cry, to keep himself together. I felt guilty about how I'd acted towards him and Jules, but I wasn't about to dump that pain on him now. "I promise."

"I need you to know about what happened so you'll understand. You know I love you. And you know I love Jules." He leaned over and took both my hands. "I just can't be here right now. I may look like a coward to you, but I just can't sit here thinking all day. I need to go back to school and work on something or I'm going to go insane. I swear I'll come back the day she gets out, but I..." He looked down and shut his eyes. "Please tell me you understand."

"I completely understand. There is no way I'd think of you as a coward. I'll be fine here and keep you up to date. I only ask that you please, please call me. Phone, video call, I don't care which one, but I have to hear your voice."

"I couldn't stand it now either. Are you sure you'll be okay? I feel so guilty leaving you here."