Day 88

I woke alone in the bed. As I rubbed my face, I realized with a sigh that this was the fifth day of our vacation, and our return flights were scheduled for the next day. So much had happened in such a short period of time that I felt exhausted as I mentally walked back through the days.

I got up and looked around the bungalow, but found no signs of Jules or John. I showered quickly, then dressed in shorts and a cotton tee before beginning to pack. I was putting away the last of my toiletries when the door opened. John came in and sat heavily on the bed. "I can't find her."

"She just needs some time to think. Did she take the car?"

"No, it's still there." He paused to watch me. "Why are you packing?"

"We fly back tomorrow afternoon. I was going to suggest we drive back today. If we don't, then I only need to pull out a few things in the morning."

John sighed. I let the silence grow and felt no need to fill it. He eventually started packing his bags as well.

When I was done, I went into the living room and turned on the television. I clicked through all the channels before settling for a rerun of a mindless sitcom. John came in and sat next to me on the couch without a word.

I wasn't really interested in watching, but I didn't want to think or talk. I could tell John was thinking hard about something.

"Do you think this is going to work out?"

I wanted to defend Jules, to defend my own mistakes, but I was so utterly exhausted and depressed. I didn't want to be the typical girl and cry about everything, but I couldn't help wanting his arms around me, telling me it would all be OK.

"I don't know. I still want it to. One thing I do know is that we've not been fair to you. You just wanted a relationship without all the drama. Instead of giving you that, I've managed to turn your life upside down. I'm sorry about that more than anything."

He was quiet for a while. I couldn't guess what he was thinking, but prepared myself for the worst.

"I'd like to cool things off when I get back to school. I've got finals coming up and I need to be able to concentrate. Maybe Jules will figure something out by then. If so, I'm still open to the idea of you moving closer this summer." He rubbed his hand on my thigh and leaned against me. "Even if it's just you."

That last bit tore me up. I couldn't make myself pick between them and he knew it. I leaned against his shoulder and tucked my feet underneath me. He bent down and kissed the top of my head.

"She is my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without her, especially now."

"You don't have to do without her. I'm not willing to cut her off either. It's just that I've decided I'm also not willing to continue to have a long distance relationship like this." He took a deep breath. "It's killing me not being able to be with you more, especially now that I know you want it as well."

I couldn't answer that. Jules and I had created a kind of home together that let us bond on a more intimate level. Now that I knew what it felt like, I craved that same bond with him. I realized that since we had discussed it over dinner I'd already started planting the seeds in my heart. The sudden revelation of her panic at the idea hurt more than I wanted to admit.

"I understand. I just wish I knew how to help her."

"That's just it, we can't. She is going to have to work through this on her own. I'm happy to support her and I'll be as patient as I have to be, but this may just be who she is."

"I'll talk to her about it when we get back home. Maybe we can come up with a compromise."

"As long as it doesn't involve me sitting alone at the other end of a video call all summer, I'm willing to try it. I'm serious, Kate, we need to find a solution I can live with, too." He paused and turned to look me in the eye. "Just remember, no matter what else happens." He tilted my head up with his fingers and kissed me deeply. "I'm yours." He kissed me again, taking a deep breath that tickled my face. "And you're mine."

I kissed him back hard, my lust pushing away the pain and insecurity I felt. I crushed myself against his chest as he held me tightly. The kiss turned into a frenzy as I pulled his shirt up and over his head, pausing only long enough to catch my breath as he pushed me to lay back so he could remove our shorts and under ware.

His fingers were inside me as he crawled up to kiss me again, his firm shaft lay hot against my leg. I pulled him against me, mussing his hair as I kept his face next to mine. I was mewling at his touch, pushing myself hard against his fingers as he squeezed my flesh.

He began to kiss down my neck, moving to put his mouth on me. I gasped even before his lips reached mine, pressing against his shoulders to hurry him along. I had one leg over the back of the couch and one on the floor when he lifted my hips with his hands to control my movements. I shouted out as his tongue began to work into me, his thumbs holding me open for his mouth.

In seconds I was on the edge, holding myself there to ride the sensation. He moved with a frantic energy, but still managed to keep a steady stimulation that brought me easily to my first release. He did not stop after I cried out, holding me up to his mouth as he continued to draw me out.

I was so desperate for another release that I reached down and held his face against my heat. I was grunting and crying out, calling his name as it came again only to be crushed into silence as I held my breath through it. I realized I had his hair twisted in my fists and made myself let him go before I hurt him.

When I let him go, he was up in a flash to get a condom, his hard shaft springing around flinging drops of his arousal as he hurried towards the bedroom. Just then Jules opened the door and took in the scene with a blank look on her face. I was too shocked to say anything at first. John came back into the room rolling a condom on, totally focused on his task and not even noticing her standing there.

I motioned for her to come join us on the couch with a smile, then watched her quietly shut the front door while John quickly came to lay on top of me. I had to shut my eyes when he penetrated me, the sensation was too intense. When I opened them again Jules had gone into the bedroom and shut the door.

I was barely able to hang on as John rocked into a steady rhythm. I clutched his back and bit at his shoulder to taste his salty skin. The pace was perfect for me as he brought me to the edge again and helped me stay there as he worked towards his own release. I felt the tingling begin and could not stay quiet as wave after wave crashed over me.

I relaxed against the couch as it passed, and he began to gasp and whimper. I ran my hands over his back and whispered, "I want to feel you let it go. Let it all go, give it to me."

He had no words at the end, just a shout of triumph as he pushed all the way inside and trembled for a long moment. I felt him pulsing as he held himself still, sweat dripping down off his nose and chin to fall on me. We kissed again, our sweat mingling on our lips. He eventually relaxed against me, pushing me firmly into the couch as he recovered his breath.

I whispered, "Jules just came back." He raised up and looked around, eventually noticing the closed bedroom door. "Let me go talk to her for a minute."

He moved to let me up, then laid down on his back with a smile and a quiet hum. I put on my panties and shorts, then slipped off his condom as he purred quietly. I dropped it in the trash on the way past the kitchen, and washed my hands before slipping into the bedroom.

Jules was moving slowly, packing her own suitcase. I sat on the bed next to it and refolded some of her things to make more room. She put the last of the clothes on the bed, then sat next to me to fold them. "Thanks for understanding about last night."

"I've known you long enough, I should have guessed. I appreciate you sticking with it for my sake as long as you did."

"It's not just for you." She put the shirts she had folded in the suitcase. "I was glad to see you happy together this morning despite ... me."

"You could have joined us."

"For probably the first time in my life, I honestly wasn't in the mood." She gave me a sad chuckle. "I really need to get my head sorted."

"We're both going to wait. We talked about it again this morning. He's going to focus on school for a couple of months, so no pressure from his end. I'm going to do the same, and see if I can increase my hours at the mall to save money for next year. You can take all the time you need. We both love you."

"I feel it. I know my reaction isn't rational, but I can't just turn off the panic that comes at odd moments. I'm scared it's going to make me do something that hurts one of you."

I helped her finish packing, then we double checked for items we might have missed. We brought out the bags, then we both gently woke John with kisses. He begged to shower first, but even with that we were still on the road before lunch.

The drive back was quiet as I sat in the back seat writing. John drove, his arm resting comfortably around Jules' shoulder. Writing all the details out helped me gain a bit more perspective on our situation.

It's obvious now that our honeymoon phase is over. We are not going to just live happily ever, as I foolishly believed before this trip. Things are more complicated with three of us, but I still believe the joy is richer for all that.

I am not as nice a person as I thought I was. No matter how much pain I was in, nothing could justify my betrayal of their trust with Lydia. And even though I believed Lydia to be callous and selfish, I am still ashamed of my cruelty towards her at the end. I used her as much as she used me, but I should have ended it cleanly instead of leaving her screaming and alone.

Jules once told me that I don't really know who I am. She said that who I choose to be my early lovers will influence the rest of my relationships. She was right about that. This trip has forced me to see that I am still defining who I will be. I never expected to find myself begging to be hurt, or the flush of arousal and excitement it brought.

The trip had also showed me that Jules learned the lesson about first lovers the hard way. I have been trying to remember her earliest relationships, to recall who might have started her to feel the overwhelming panic and fear whenever she gets close. What terrible thing have I forgotten? Or perhaps I never knew that part of her story. It is a mystery for another day, perhaps after a bottle of wine to numb her heart enough to speak.

John continues to amaze me with his patience, but he is clearly nearing the end of it. He hoped to find a more stable relationship away from school that wouldn't interfere with his life. Instead, I've damaged our family and dragged him into the swirling mess I've created. I need to find a way to help him get what he wants, no matter what happens to us.