Day 86

I had to say yes. They had become as much a part of me as my skin and bones. We three hugged there for a long time. I finally let myself cry in relief as they welcomed me back into our union. Jules smiled as she wiped away my tears. John kept touching my arms and hands, rubbing me tenderly on the few places I wasn't bruised.

"So when do we tell our parents?" John asked.

"Not here, not now. I've already caused enough drama." I still regretted that Lydia and I had kissed in front of the whole family. No matter how I was hurting, it was not fair to drop my problems on the rest of them like that.

Jules said, "How about we go to the beach for a couple of days and let things calm down here? My treat!"

"I need to talk to Mom first." I didn't want to, but she deserved to know more than I'd been telling her. "How have they been with me acting like a prat the last two days?"

"Your mom and aunt were whispering together earlier, before John came stumbling in drunk and created a scene. I couldn't hear what they were saying."

"I hate to ask, but would you go get me something to wear? I don't want to have to explain the bruises to Mom. It's almost morning, so they should be getting up soon. After I talk to her I'll be ready to go."

I washed up in the public showers near the pool again. When I was drying off, Mom came in carrying my suitcase. She looked angry enough to breathe fire.

"I hear you'll be leaving," she said. "I'm glad."

"Mom, I know things have gotten a little weirdâ€""

"No, you have gotten a little weird. I've had enough of you, Kate. I've had enough of these childish dramatics. I'm sick of watching you hurt everyone who loves you. I'm sick of your lies to me about everything going on in your life. You may be an adult now, but since Christmas you've been acting like a spoiled child. I'm glad you've made up with your friend Jules, because when we get back I don't think I want to see you for a while."

"Mom, wait, I can explain!"

"No, I'm really not interested in hearing anything else from you. I've learned more than I ever wanted to already. I haven't had the heart to tell my sister about you and your cousin, so please just let that rest. She is having a hard enough time dealing with him drinking and fighting with his 'girlfriend' for me to hurt her with that as well."

"Mom, it's not as bad as you think, I swear."

"It's not as bad as I think? Do you even know what I think? I think you've gone insane, that's what I think! You've gotten bruises and welts all over your body, probably from that woman you were kissing at breakfast. Your boyfriend has been drinking himself sick for the past two nights because of you. Your best friend has been so upset she has hardly slept because of you. Seeing you act like this I'm not willing to continue to support your lifestyle. After this semester you'll need to find you own way to cover the costs at college. If you even want to continue."

My head was spinning as she turned to leave. She stopped at the door and said, "If you do take the flight back, don't speak to me. I'd honestly prefer if you found some other way home. I want you to come get the rest of your things once you get back. Just make sure you call before you come over to my house to get them."

I couldn't say anything as she left. She was right; I had lost my mind. I'd almost lost everything. At that moment I felt as if I had been carelessly walking along a cliff only to realize suddenly that my foot was inches from the edge of a hundred foot drop. My stomach was tied in knots and I couldn't catch my breath. Jules came in and and found me standing there, naked and gasping.

"I'm sorry, she was awake and left when I went into the bathroom. What happened? Are you alright?"

She helped me sit down on a bench, but I still couldn't speak. That sense of vertigo, of nearly falling, was overwhelming me. I realized I was crying. I forced myself to breathe slowly and deeply, trying to slow my heart. "She is so angry with me. She doesn't want me to come home."

"Well, then it's a good thing you live with me now."

"She knows everything. She always did." I realized I was mumbling, but couldn't make my mouth work. "She told me to call before I come to get the rest of my things. And I have to pay for school myself next year. I'm so fucked, Jules."

"Baby, you're not making sense. When was the last time you slept? Let me help get you dressed and we'll get on the road."

I don't remember much of the rest of the day. I slept in the back seat of Jules' rental with my head on John's lap. He was running his fingers through my hair every time I woke. I could hear them speaking softly, but couldn't focus on the words. The next thing I knew we were parked near the ocean. I heard the waves and could smell the salt in the air.

John helped me into the bungalow, took off my clothes, and put me in the king sized bed. None of us had slept well over the last few days and I was so tired I could only lay there. He climbed in with me and held me while I slept some more. I don't know when Jules joined us, but my first truly conscious thought was that I needed to pee. I carefully climbed off the end of the bed to avoid waking them and found my way into the bathroom.

After I relieved myself, I was too keyed up to go back to sleep, so I felt around the room until I found my clothes and put them on in the dim light coming in from the drawn curtains. I let myself out into the cooling evening, shutting the door again as quietly as I could. My shadow went ahead of me as I wanted toward the beach. The ocean glittered and sparkled from the fading sunlight behind me. I found a secluded spot and sat with my thoughts spinning in my head while I pushed my bare toes into the sand.

I felt miserable. When I had been angry, my decisions had felt purposeful, my words justified. Now that the driving anger was gone I was left alone with my scorched heart. I could see the damage I'd done so clearly now. Instead of purpose, I now felt regret. My harsh words and impulsive actions had fractured my most important relationships.

Mom had a hard life, no question about it, especially raising me on her own after Dad died. I like to think I was a pretty good kid growing up, but the last three months had put paid to that. She had been so scared that someone would find out about me and John, but I had underestimated how complicated things could get in our relationship. When I reacted badly to the casual way Jules and John viewed our commitment, I ended up justifying her fears completely.

In one way Jules was right, I am inexperienced in relationships, even if I do know what I want. I believed we had some kind of magic communion, that they felt the same way just because I felt it so strongly. I should have spoken to them about it and not simply assumed. That mistake was all mine, and I must beg their forgiveness for my assumptions and the damage it had ultimately caused.

My thoughts continued to drift as the sky before me deepened to black. When the sun disappeared below the horizon I got up and brushed myself off. Walking back toward our bungalow I realized I had no way of opening the locked door. Just as I arrived at the door, John stepped out with a frown and looked around until he saw me walking up.

"I was worried." John's face relaxed when he saw me.

"I was just out on the beach." I stood close and looked deeply into his eyes. "I'm so sorry, John."

"You don't need to apologize anymore," he said as he reached around me. "It's in the past now." He pulled me close and kissed me on my forehead.

"I realize now that I made assumptions I shouldn't have. I never talked to you or Jules about what I was thinking."

"Yes, but she and I made our own assumptions as well. To be honest, I could tell you felt more committed than I did, even before what happened at the pool. I didn't discuss it because I didn't want the dream to end. That was my mistake." Hearing him admit it hurt, but in a strange way it made me feel a little better that I wasn't entirely to blame.

"Come on, let's get Jules and go find something to eat."

She had rolled into the middle of the bed in her sleep. We climbed into bed on either side of her. He kissed her cheek and forehead while I rubbed her back. She made a yummy sound and roused enough to crack open one eye.

"Why are you waking me up?"

"We're getting hungry. Do you want to get up and find something to eat with us? Or would you prefer we bring you something back."

"Oh, food. I remember food. Yes, I'd like some. Maybe we could go back to that diner on US 1?" She stretched and rolled over on her back like a cat.

I kept watching the two of them. He kissed her neck while she turned, running his hands along her body and squeezing her breasts which made her hum softly. I laid there next to them and rubbed along her arm. They may have let me back in but I still felt like an outsider in my heart. Their forgiveness was easier to take than my guilt.

Her breathing deepened and I saw the familiar evidence of her arousal in her flushed face. John had pushed her t-shirt up and was kissing her nipple as she stroked his hair. Her open mouth, closed eyes, and animated eyebrows told me that food was going to have to wait for a bit. Despite the guilt and bruised body, I found myself responding to their passionate display.

I leaned over her face to touch our lips together. It was more of a tickle than a kiss. She caught her breath as she reached out to pull me closer while John moved down from her breasts to her stomach. This was our first kiss since I betrayed them, I thought as she breathed into my mouth. I kissed her deeply, inviting her tongue in, and felt her shudder as John pulled her panties down.

I touched her breasts and continued to kiss her deeply while she divided her attention between us. We each used our mouths, he laved her long lips while I tickled her tongue. She was unable to do more than gasp and arch her back. Her hands began to claw at the sheets as John made low groans, pushing his face into her wet sex. I kept kissing her open mouth, pulling gently at her erect nipples and rubbing her round breasts in my open palm.