Chapter 58

Later that evening...

“Evidently, reports of the Catholic Church’s downfall are greatly exaggerated, with apologies to my namesake, Mark Twain,” I remarked as I informed Melissa about the new Pope.

“So it seems, alas. Very unfortunate. It’s definitely taken a beating, at least. Especially here in Haven ... perhaps that has prejudiced my grasp of the situation. Hasn’t western Oregon largely been converted to Havenism at least?” Melissa posed the obvious rhetorical question.

“Indeed, along with western Washington in many parts ... and some of the central parts of both provinces along with the Cascade Mountains. And Schumacher, California ... and Fort Tokutomi, California, along with Vancouver Island in British Columbia. There are even rumors that the Republic of Juneau is seeing a groundswell of conversions there as well,” Aunt Lydia declared, the President of the Grand Consistory of the Church of Haven being very proud of her work at spreading the new faith.

“Irish Pope, eh? And there’s a new Mormon ‘Prophet,’ too, I gather. The Mormons are busy fuckers of late, seizing Tempe, setting up a new church polity, and all that jazz. Even trying to take over Gilbert and Chandler, from the looks of it. They already control East Mesa and are trying to resettle Apache Junction over in Pinal County. Those fucking assholes!” Sandeep used far fouler language than in the past.

“Yes, well, on the good news front, I’ve decided that you’re to breed Melissa here, along with Maneet and Stacey. Ana, Teresa ... I want Jim to do the job. Patty, I want Adam to do it. Dee, that will be Chad’s work. Mom, it’s Joe’s turn to put a baby in you. Elaine, it will be Gordon. Nicole, it’s Daryl.

“Carrie, Alejandra, Julianne ... go with Herb on your next. Simone, Rita, and Gina, let’s go with Hubert. Ingril, Mindy, and Eileen ... all of the rest of you ... let’s draw names from a hat here and find out who is the next father of your babies. I like the randomness of that notion. It’s so damn random, you know.

“I could go on ... and I will, eventually, but that’s enough for the moment, of course. I could go dizzy at times with the sheer number of women that I must breed or have bred by others, but it’s sooo fucking worth it!” I laughed now as I plundered Sarai, much to her delight.

My vampire daughter was already pregnant to me, anyway, but that was no reason to neglect her, or anyone else, for that matter. Elaine’s daughters by Hershel were also knocked up, but no one knew the paternity in their cases. Some certainty ... mixed with uncertainty. That sounded just fine by me. I didn’t want everything planned out with no spontaneity, after all. That would be dull.

“Well, I just got an update of my own. You might want to see this,” Kirsten showed me news on the admittedly still sketchy internet about Arizona.

“The Mormon Militia has captured Gilbert and Chandler ... and is driving on to Scottsdale. It seems that the locals either surrendered or fled. The lines of defense were broken pretty damn fast. A so-called ‘Phoenician Republic’ has been declared in the cities of Phoenix, Glendale, Sun City, Peoria, Avondale, and Scottsdale to mobilize united resistance to the Mormon offensive. Well, it appears that the rest of the Valley of the Sun doesn’t much like the idea of being under LDS rule. Gee, I wonder why?” I winked at Nydia as she sucked me straight from Sarai and then guided me back into her.

“The Battle of Phoenix ... that has a dramatic ring to it, doesn’t it? I imagine that more will flee Phoenix if it falls to the Mormon Militia, won’t they? Where, oh, where will they go? It says here that they’ve jailed whores and johns and executed pimps as well as madams whenever they’ve taken over. Rough business, don’t you think? I can only guess that the strippers are next. What about junkies and pushers?” Sandeep read aloud.

“Mandatory detox labs for junkies, death for pushers. The Mormons like to hang people, or so it appears. That’s one approach, I guess. Also, Prohibition is back and all bars have been ordered to go dry as cafes or else close. Yes, alcohol and tobacco are forbidden now ... and caffeinated sodas are more regulated than they used to be. Porn’s banned, adult shops have to close their doors, and theaters are required to censor their movie content much more.

“And the LDS are imposing a ‘bachelor tax’ on unmarried men ... why not on women, too? Probably because women are more eager to marry already. Yeah, I’d leave for sure if I were them. And abortion’s illegal, along with sodomy, crossdressing, BDSM, etc. Even condoms are heavily taxed. Vasectomies are outlawed as well. Circumcision’s illegal, too. Tubal ligations are reserved for extreme issues related to a chronic history of poor prenatal health.