Chapter 102

“A prude thinks that his own rules of propriety are natural laws.” - Robert Heinlein, Stranger In A Strange Land

“Hence it is that such democracies have ever been spectacles of turbulence and contention; have ever been found incompatible with personal security or the rights of property; and have in general been as short in their lives as they have been violent in their deaths.” - James Madison, The Federalist Papers

“Normalcy is naught but the tyranny of unreasonable folks over the habits and judgments of their fellow man.” - Mark Gander

“No better friend. No worse enemy.” - the epitaph of Lucius Cornelius Sulla Felix, Dictator of Rome

1255 hours, local time Friday,
12 March, 2015
The Burbank City Hall
The City of Burbank

“So, as you can see, the peril is imminent, my friends. I have come here, bringing you this message. You can bury your heads in the proverbial sand, like so many foolish ostriches, but it will only catch up with you. Do you honestly believe that you can all manage to hold the center against all of the centrifugal forces aligned against you? The world that you have cherished, to which you have so bitterly and desperately clung, against all evidence and warnings to the contrary, this world is no more. Now you must live in reality, not fantasy, my friends.

“Let me be clear. Sooner or later, your independence shall be forfeit in some fashion and to some extent or another. Sooner or later, you must decide to whom you will yield some of your liberty and just how much. You are actors and people of cinema, I know, artists committed to some degree of pretense and make-believe, but not even you can maintain this kind of facade. This is time for a harsh, cold splash of ice water on your faces.

“To that end, let me lay out the facts to you. One, the bulk of this former state is now organized in some capacity under some kind of government ... more centralized than this patchwork quilt business that you have today. Two, in the areas that haven’t been so organized of late, in at least two cases now, a direct military invasion has transpired by aggressive neighbors. What do you imagine will be your fate if the latter invader has reached greater proximity to you, is now adjacent, and you are too weak and divided to oppose him?

“Three, I am treaty-bound not to directly and militarily oppose said neighbor. I cannot send any forces to your rescue, as I did for West Sacramento against Michael Moore. Yes, that shocked you, didn’t it, that your old friend and colleague proved to be a tyrant. You’d be amazed at what potential lies at the base of every soul, especially nowadays when all is in flux. The human capacity for both good and evil is well nigh inexhaustible.

“Four, you know what I am now. I am a person of greater ... force and ability to do both good and evil than anyone else you have ever met. I am no mere mortal man. I am a resurrected, celestial being. I have not only risen from the dead myself, but I have raised plenty of others from it. I am, in fact, not only the Lawgiver and the Prophet, not only the Chancellor, not only the First Citizen, not only the Commander-in-Chief, but the Messiah.

“Yes, that Messiah. The only true one. All others before me were false, including, yes, the Nazarene. For daring to speak such facts, and for being what I am, a true Demigod, I have even been labeled the Antichrist,” I chuckled at that absurd notion, of course.

I then turned around and showed the assembled luminaries my reddish asterisk tattoo, after which I took a knife and shoved it into my own belly. The group gasped before it became clear that I didn’t bleed now ... or even break the skin. That knife should have seriously harmed my abdomen. Three or four people fainted right then and there, of course. Others went white as ghosts.

“It’s ... true. You’re a God!” Rainn Wilson, formerly a prominent actor from The Office, where he played Dwight Schrute, declared in astonishment.

He just happened to be the Mayor of Burbank, the host city.

“It’s pretty fucking wild!” Sean Young, the Mayor of Santa Monica, shouted with surprise.

There was general agreement now ... I was the real McCoy, which left everyone present shaken to their core. That was when I dropped my next bomb, coughing as I opened the door, despite being a guest, and let the Special Envoy inside. Natalie Portman. Since the new film industry mecca of Vancouver wasn’t as famous yet or as connected to the outside world as Hollywood used to be, the locals might well not be aware that she was alive again. That was especially true when one considered that she exclusively performed in the nude.

When the former Los Angeles County political bosses saw the presumed dead A-lister Natalie Portman standing among them, drop-dead gorgeous and naked as the day she was born, the wannabe statesmen and stateswomen stood in disbelief. Several of them turned pale all over again, one of them dropping her expensive latte and spilling its contents on the floor. Another, male chief executive, sported an immediate boner, no surprise there, but the starkest reaction came from James Woods, the actor turned Mayor of Long Beach.

“But you’re dead!” James shouted, “how are you alive? You died in the Fireball that hit LA!”

“Yes, I died, and now I’m alive. I was resurrected by the Lawgiver here, the Messiah. So, how about it, James? We’ve had our differences ... and you’ve been right at times, as have I. Can you not see clearly now that I’m right this time? I’m living proof that Mark Schumacher is the real deal. So, you like poker ... are you ready to deal?” Natalie laughed and winked at James.

As she said that, Famke Janssen and Shakira stood next to her, both of them nude as well.

“Why are you naked?” Amber Tamblyn, the Mayor of Lynwood, demanded to know.

The way that she looked at James with considerable ire while emulating him was hilarious. It was clear that the two of them had some kind of personal beef, but they were both in the same boat, Hollywood types given power and influence in something that was out of their depth. Unlike Robert Wagner, whatever his flaws (and possible guilt), they were basically inept as political leaders for the most part. Well, at least James probably had some basic maturity and life experience to give him a degree of wisdom, as he showed by initiating this process. Amber was another matter entirely, just a pretty face with decent acting skills and no clue as to governing.

“Because when one is resurrected ... the wearing of clothes is unbearable. It’s one of the few weaknesses of an otherwise indestructible body, impervious to most pain and injury. I don’t age. I can’t die again. I don’t even have a bladder or bowels, though, of course, I still have an anus. Feel free to kiss it.

“In any case, let me add something ... a lot of that feminist tripe that you no doubt mindlessly embraced, from what I recall ... it was rubbish. Trust me on that. There’s nothing wrong with women having jobs or even careers, that happened for much of history. It just didn’t need to turn into a movement that kept moving the goalposts, inventing more issues out of thin air, ex nihilo, and finding more reasons to blame men. I used to buy into all of that ‘girl power’ feminist stuff ... and a lot of it was mind-numbingly ignorant.

“Men and women both have their uses, but let’s not forget that men created civilization and maintain it to this day. If the collapse of much of civilization nowadays hasn’t taught you that, and that sometimes, austerity and severity are necessary to preserve it, I don’t know what will. It’s easy for us Hollywood elite feminist diva types, sheltered from the real world by wealth, privilege, flattery, and fame, to dismiss the cold, hard facts until they are shoved in our faces.

“Look at you, connected, daughter of a filmmaker, privileged, used to luxury, used to everyone sucking up to you. You’re holding public office and so out of touch that you ... and others, have essentially allowed the world to change around you without adapting sensibly to it. You’ve watched as bystanders, trying to keep up the status quo ante as much as possible, while Orange County has become the Republic of Orange, San Diego has turned into the San Diego Free State, California has disintegrated entirely, whole wars have happened, and now, the Nevadans have invaded San Bernardino County.

“Have you, or any of your peers here, made any serious moves until very recently, to even try to set up some kind of ... alliance or bloc or league, let alone a new confederation or republic or commonwealth? Nope? Not a single step. You give the lie to the notion that women make better leaders than men. None of you, of either sex, has shown much initiative, at least until James Woods here apparently got a bee in his bonnet and pushed Rainn Wilson and the two of them kicked things off.

“But for them, at the very last minute, doing this, you’d all still be sitting around and waiting for someone else to take decisive action. Thank your lucky stars for that. Evidently, he was busy feuding with you and Sean Young over some issues, and he got done with that drama and decided to instead do what was necessary. Good for him, even if a bit late and a dollar short. I suppose that he was a bit distracted, but that’s how much of a fucking bubble this damn area is, that even after a major cataclysmic event, you’re still sitting there with your thumbs up your asses,” Natalie tore into the various local magnates.

“Hey, what about me?” Sean Young objected now.

“Yes, you went along with the good ... and the bad. You’re ... mediocre, but not horrible. That’s the most that I can say for you ... except that you’re also a little weird ... and not in a good way. Don’t you get it already? This silly feud of yours ... and Amber’s, with James, that’s high school stuff, and both of you, but especially you, should know better than that. This whole community is basically a bunch of high school crap, but you’re not in high school ... not even high school students have the luxury of the artificially prolonged childhood that we, myself included, used to believe in back in the day.

“I used to be horrified about people publicly counting down to my age of consent or whatever, but nowadays, I get it now. Fourteen is the proper age of consent, not eighteen, and not younger than fourteen, and you can fucking quote me on that point. I’ve gained a much broader and wiser, more enlightened perspective on things since my death and resurrection. The Cosmos is a much larger place than I ever guessed. So, there, I’ve said my piece. Again, if you don’t like what I have to say, tough. I’m past worrying about you. I belong to Mark here. I’m honored to be his companion, one of many whom he brought back from the beyond,” Natalie confronted Sean, seeming to tower over the aging thespian turned politician.

“So ... just what do you propose, then?” Rainn Wilson interjected, showing some sense by now.

“That’s easy enough. I propose the creation of the Republic of Los Angeles, in honor of your defunct county and fallen city. James Woods would be the first Chairman of the Council of State, which shall be the temporary or interim governing body composed of all of the mayors. Burbank here will be the capital. This will be known as the Treaty of Burbank. I propose that you create an army, a navy, an air force, a national police force, and get working on reconnecting the infrastructure of this place, so that you can actually trade and coordinate better for your own national defense.

“I propose that one clause of this treaty be mutual recognition of each other’s national sovereignty, territorial integrity, present borders, etc. Another would be the exchange of ambassadors, consuls, etc. Also, you should normalize relations with the Republic of Orange, San Diego Free State, etc. You should probably begin work on creating a more permanent structure of government, but this would be an excellent start.

“You should probably also recognize whatever gains the Republic of South Nevada has, but exert whatever pressure you can to discourage their further advances. The sooner that the Republic of South Nevada calls it quits and stops short of getting too close to the San Bernardino Free State, the better. Diplomatic pressure is the best tool at this stage, since there is no way that I can militarily intervene yet under the terms of the Treaty of Ely, not without breaking my solemn word of honor. Let them consolidate their gains and hopefully call it a day,” I insisted firmly, making plain sense, at least as I understood it.

“So be it. I’m in, of course,” James Woods declared, once again showing more sense than the majority of his supposed peers.

“Count me in, too,” Rainn Wilson agreed now.

“So be it. Yes, I’ll bite,” Sean Young answered through gritted teeth.

“Yes, you would, wouldn’t you?” Amber Tamblyn raged, shocking even me with her level of animosity, as she viciously charged at James Woods.

I wasn’t having any of it, spitting my venom directly at her. She screamed as she realized that snake venom was on her skin ... and that it proceeded from my mouth somehow. She shrieked and now lunged at me, but I lifted my staff and finished the process that the venom began. In seconds, she was stone cold dead. Then I saw her very confused ghost and reached out to touch it, instantly configuring her new traits as I somehow always knew how to do.

“That’s because you’re the Lawgiver and a Prophet, not to mention the Messiah. However, this time, I have to tell you that God wants her for an angel. I think that he just wants to grudge fuck her. You won’t begrudge the Boss one dead actress, will you? On the plus side, her community will have a better leader now, won’t it?” Marcy informed me, convincing me to back off.