Chapter 5: Just Friends

-- FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2005, SENIOR YEAR --

The party was still in full-swing when I returned downstairs, having gotten its second wind with the arrival of the second keg. I had an idle thought about going to DJ and asking why the hell she would send Tammy and some guy up to my bedroom, but then I thought I might already know the answer and I hadn't decided for myself what that really meant. Besides, she and Brooke were already parked on either side of the new keg, screaming their heads off with their friends and one of the guys who was trying to pull off a keg stand.

For some reason, I couldn't remember the parties Dayna and Brandi threw being quite this wild. But as I thought about it, I remembered those parties being rather more sex-fueled, and I admitted to myself I was happier knowing that my little sisters weren't behaving in the same fashion.

I left the riotous noise of the kitchen and living room and returned outside to the back porch. Bert and Lynne were chatting with Kim and Paige, and all four of them looked up at me as I slumped down onto the couch.

"Hey, where's Sasha?" Bert asked off-hand.

"Uh, she went home." Even with the mask covering half my face, my distressed expression was obvious, and Paige and Kim jumped all over it.

"Hey, did something happen?" Paige asked with obvious concern.

"No, no..." I waved them off reactively, but then I stopped to think about it. And well, something kind of did happen. And my new expression seemed to give that away.

"Ben ... What happened?" Paige asked more seriously.

I glanced around at my friends. "I'd rather not talk about it, okay?"

"Sure man, whatever," Bert agreed immediately, like a good wingman, although he and Lynne exchanged a look. "Need a beer?"

"Nah," I replied, holding my hands up. "Still on duty. I get the impression that the froshlings could get out of hand any minute now."

My friends nodded their understanding, but now it was Paige and Kim exchanging a significant look. I was sure they'd respect my wishes to not talk about what happened with Sasha, but their curiosity was up, and I didn't know if they'd really let things go or if one or both of them might corner me before the night was over and start an inquisition. I figured that was unlikely, as Kim's M.O. was more to skulk behind the scenes to find out what she wanted to know rather than confront me directly, and Paige was separate enough from my daily life that she really wouldn't have an understanding of what had been going on between me and Sasha these past few weeks.

Turned out, both girls left me alone for the rest of the night, and as the post-midnight hours ticked on, the party began to wind down. After 2am, I went upstairs and changed back into regular clothing and then returned downstairs to grab a few big trash bags and start cleaning up. Bert, Lynne, Kim, and Paige followed my lead, and the remaining froshlings took the hint and began to make their exits.

A few minutes into the cleanup, DJ sauntered behind me with her trailing hand gliding up my arm and around my shoulders before she hugged me and went up onto her tip-toes to drape her chin over my neck. Squeezing my chest muscles from behind, she purred into my ear, "I'm drunk and horny. Take me to bed, superhero?"

As she did so, I noticed one froshling guy in particular giving me the stink-eye. In a low voice, I murmured, "You might want to be careful about the way you're holding me. Josh is eyeballing us."

"Forget Josh. He knows it's over."

I reached up and patted her cheek while stepping out from under her chin and turning around to face her. "There's a lot left to clean up, Deej," I said, hoisting the bag in my hand, half-full of red and blue solo cups, orange and black napkins, and various bits of food.

"But I want NOW," DJ whined, stamping her foot, the green Tinker Bell stiletto heel clomping off the wood floor. She glanced over to the bar where a froshling named Joe was tidying up bottles, his obvious muscles bulging in the caveman costume he was (barely) wearing. Jerking a thumb at him, she pouted, "Take me to my room or I'll ask HIM to."

I rolled my eyes and gestured for her to go ahead. "Fine. Whatever. Would actually make me feel better about our friendship knowing that you're not solely dependent on me for sexual gratification." I shrugged and turned my back on her, stooping to pick up more cups from one of the end tables.

But DJ caught my arm before I could grab one. Holding it firmly, she tugged until I stood upright again and faced her. There was moisture in her eyes as she frowned at me, saying, "Would you really want me to sleep with somebody else? Wouldn't you be jealous?"

I sighed. "Jealous? A little, sure. It's only natural for a guy to want every girl to save herself for him. You saying you weren't jealous when you sent Tammy and that guy up to my bedroom to interrupt me and Sasha?"

DJ's eyebrows popped. "Tammy what? I didn't send her to your room. I sent her to Kim's room. Up the stairs and first door on the left!"

Kim's room WAS on the left, mine on the right, and the bathroom in the middle. I blinked in surprise, and then furrowed my eyebrows. "So you didn't send Tammy up to interrupt me?"

DJ frowned. "Is that why you're giving me the cold shoulder? Because you think I cock-blocked you with Sasha?"

I grimaced, ready to say 'no' and yet not entirely sure of my answer. Really, whether or not DJ "cock-blocked" me was irrelevant. I still hadn't fully come to grips with my relationship with DJ, knowing how much we each cared about the other and yet unwilling to risk losing her friendship without being certain I was doing the right thing. We'd sort of fallen into a happy compromise of being fuck-buddies for the last month and change, neither of us talking about a romantic relationship and instead us both simply enjoying the pleasure of fucking. I didn't know who else she was banging, or even IF she was banging someone else, and I didn't really want to know. The jealous part of me wanted her all to myself, to wait around for me forever until I was ready. But the rational part of me would be happier knowing she wasn't keeping herself pure for me; at least that way, I wouldn't feel so guilty.

Despite all those thoughts, the real answer came to me: It had been a long, trying night, I was tired, and I just wasn't in the mood to be fucked around with. "No," I replied quite firmly. "It has nothing to do with Sasha. Just for once, I'd like a girl to cut out the bullshit manipulation. You want to threaten me with seducing Joe? I say fine, go for it. Meantime, I'm the only person here without a single drop of alcohol in my system, and I need to clean up this house, okay?"

DJ blinked in surprise, biting her lip and then looking away in shame. "I'm sorry," she replied quietly, suitably chagrined. "I didn't mean to threaten you. I just ... I just..."

I sighed. "You're used to getting your way."

She put on her best puppy-dog face and stepped a little closer to me, reaching out and taking my hands. "I was bluffing; I don't want Joe. I only want you. I only ever want you. I really am drunk, and I really am horny. So please? No bullshit manipulation. It's my Halloween party, and I want to end it with you. Please?"

I hesitated, and she squeezed my arm tighter.

"Please?" she repeated again, moisture forming in her sky blue eyes.

Gawd damn she was beautiful ... and sexy ... and innocent but yet naughty at the same time ... I absolutely melted beneath the intensity of desire on DJ's face, and with a sigh, I dropped the trash bag to the floor. "Okay. You win. I can finish the cleanup tomorrow."

The gorgeous, blonde, busty, 5'10"-plus-4-inch-heeled Tinker Bell beamed at me, tugging on my hands while leaning forward to seal her lips over mine. None of the people around us really paid much notice, except perhaps Josh. I think it was a pretty open secret by now that DJ was really into me. That supervolcano of a kiss knocked any thoughts of anyone else clear out of my head, so that she was the one and only girl on my mind. And dazed, it took me a moment to realize she'd stopped kissing me and instead was leading me by the hand toward her bedroom.

Once her door closed behind me, her lips were once again furiously attacking mine while her hands scrabbled at the hem of my T-shirt to pull it off. Seconds later, I was topless with my jeans around my ankles while my cock was imbedded nearly eight inches down her throat. And about a minute after that, I was flat on my back across DJ's bed, tracing my fingers around the frame of her gossamer Tinker Bell wings while she yanked the crotch of her soaked panties aside and sank her wet pussy down around my upright ... uh... Peter.

I made her keep the costume on. Guess I really do like to play pretend.

-- SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2005, SENIOR YEAR --

In hindsight, I should have knocked. But in my defense, it was MY bedroom and there weren't any obvious noises coming through the door. But I didn't knock, and I DID go into my bedroom unannounced, so I had quite a shock in the morning when I walked in and found Bert and Lynne in the exact same cowgirl position DJ and I had started in last night, only neither of them was wearing a costume.

The pair stopped moving, and Bert's eyes popped open wide, but Lynne just looked at me over her shoulder and grinned. She watched me gawk at them for about ten seconds, making no attempt to cover her nudity before smirking at me and saying, "Ben, either get out or join in. Your pick."

The tone in her voice made it sound like her offer was genuine, but my poor little brain had been worked over too much these last few days. Blinking and shaking my head, I silently backed out and closed the door, only hearing the relatively quiet moans Lynne made during sex now that I was listening for them.

I had planned on taking a shower and changing clothes, but since my jeans and T-shirt were actually pretty clean from last night, I didn't really NEED to right now. Just then, the door behind me opened, and I spun around in surprise to see Paige, wearing just a borrowed baggy T-shirt and panties, give me a sleepy but friendly look.

"Hey, what are you doing up?" she asked before cocking her head and smiling at the sounds coming through my bedroom door. "Figured you'd be downstairs right about now doing the same thing with DJ that Bert and Lynne are doing in there."

I shrugged. "Nasty hangover. She's not really in the mood."

"Ah." Paige looked thoughtful for a moment, and then deciding something in her head, she reached out and pulled my hand. "Good time for you to come in then."

I resisted at first, stammering, "Look, I know you're horny but now's not really the time to--"

"I'm not dragging you in here for sex," Paige explained patiently before gesturing to the bed and closing the door. Kim sat upright on the bed giving me a shrug. Apparently she'd invited Paige to crash overnight with her instead of making the redhead sleep on the couch, a good thing since I noticed a couple of froshling girls had taken over both couches in the living room. If I hadn't ended up in DJ's room, I wondered where Bert and Lynne would have wound up crashing.

"Uh, then why DID you drag me in here? I was thinking to get cleaned up for the day and then work out breakfast for all of us."

"We've got time to figure out food later. Everybody's still asleep. But Kim and I were up talking about you – well, you and Sasha – and this is the perfect opportunity for us to get the real story."

I raised my eyebrows, looking at Kim. She smiled and shrugged her agreement. I sighed in resignation, letting Paige finally pull me the rest of the way until I joined them on the bed. "Sure you two wouldn't rather have a threesome?" I asked tiredly, glancing at Paige's bra-less breasts beneath the T-shirt (MY T-shirt, I realized when I got a good look at it) and at the gap between buttons of Kim's pajama top, which revealed a tantalizing glimpse of boob curve.

The girls gave each other significant looks, seeming to honestly consider it before smirking and shaking their heads. Then Paige, sitting cross-legged with her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her folded hands, gave me a serious look. "So what happened between you and Sasha yesterday?"

"Nothing."

"Girls don't grab all their stuff and run out the front door when 'nothing' happens."

"Nothing happened. We didn't hook up, if that's what you're wondering."

"Clearly," Kim joined in. "You didn't have the time and more to the point, I've never heard of a girl running away from you AFTER the Big Ben Experience. They pretty much all lie there limp and completely satisfied."

I rolled my eyes. "Nothing happened."

"Please," Paige snorted derisively.

I sighed. "And even if something did, I'm not one to blab. This is between me and Sasha."

Kim gave me a thoughtful look, then stated, "So I'll bet that you two started to hook up, only one or both of you got cold feet and broke it off. Sasha got embarrassed and ran away. Am I right?"

I winced.

"I am, aren't I?" Kim continued.

I sighed, figuring I could tell them a little. I could trust both Paige and Kim to keep things from becoming public knowledge. And hell, maybe they could even help me figure this out. I certainly was confused enough as it was. "More or less."

"Who broke it off?" Paige asked excitedly. "You or her?"

"Her. No ... neither of us, really."

"Huh?"

I sighed. "She was coming on to me. I was resisting. She basically told me to shut up and then she kissed me. We started getting into it a bit, but then some drunk froshlings opened the door looking for a place to score and we got all flustered. Once the froshlings were gone and the door was closed, Sasha got all freaked out and she bolted. End of story."

Paige and Kim gave each other those significant looks again, and then Paige continued her line of questioning. "You DO know that she likes you, right?"

I screwed up my face. "How the hell would you know that? You're barely in Berkeley and you never even MEET Sasha most weeks."

"I told her," Kim explained.

I sighed. "Of course I know. But I also know that she doesn't want to like me. Says I'm a 'man-whore'. Don't think she considers that the best quality in a potential boyfriend."

"Do you like HER?" Paige asked.

"He does," Kim answered for me.

"Ex-cuse me." I glared at Kim, but she simply shrugged at me.

"He does," Kim repeated firmly.

"As a friend. We're just friends."

Kim gave Paige a serious look. "He likes her."

"KIM!" I barked, and she bowed her head and went silent.

Paige thought it over. "So she likes you, you like her ... What's the problem?"

"He's not over Dawn," Kim explained.

"KIM!" I barked even louder, and only now did she shrink and blush apologetically.

"You're not?" Paige wondered. "Oh, I guess that makes sense. It's only been what ... five months?"

Kim looked ready to answer, but I shot her a harsh look that silenced her. Master or not anymore, the old habits were still there. But after a moment's thought, and with a long sigh, I closed my eyes, rubbed my forehead, and gestured for my one-time submissive to go ahead.

Smiling, Kim explained helpfully, "Five months since the breakup, but only two months since Dawn actually left to go on her sabbatical, remember?"

"Oh, right," Paige said with a nod. "But is that really it? You're still waiting for Dawn? Is that why you haven't hooked up with DJ, either? I mean, really hooked up, not just a 'hookup'."

I sighed, still with my eyes closed and still rubbing my forehead. "It's ... complicated."

"With you, it always is."

I got up off the bed then, walking over to one of the windows. There were two of them, one facing the backyard and the other toward our neighbor's house. And I looked out through both of them before finally pacing back to the foot of the bed and looking at Paige and Kim. Both waited for me patiently, Paige still sitting cross-legged and Kim now with one knee up and both arms wrapped around it.

"I..." I began hesitantly before committing myself to this train of thought and then finishing, "I think I really need to move on from Dawn. I love her. I think I'll always love her, no matter what how much she hurt me in the past. There's something her dad told me, that we've got twenty-one years of history behind us, and nothing's ever going to change that. That's not to say that I should simply wait for her because I loved her for twenty-one years, or for however many of those years I was capable of love. But neither is that time a complete sunk cost that I can just put behind me and completely ignore."

I took a deep breath, the girls listening attentively.

"If and when she comes back, I can evaluate where in my life I'm at and where and how she'll fit into it. I'll owe her that much at least. But I can't put the rest of my life on hold just in case she comes back to me. I've got to move on, move forward, I know that. The thing is, I'm deathly afraid of making the wrong move."

I went silent for a long few seconds, and then Paige asked, "What would be the 'wrong' move?"

I screwed up my face. "Rebounding? Losing myself in a new relationship because I'm feeling lonely?"

"You don't sound so sure."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "The thing is, I'm hyper-aware of rebounding, given that I've done it in my past. I feel like I'm so cautious about it that I almost can't rebound, that even if I started a relationship with someone new, that I wouldn't move too fast and that I'd deliberately keep things moving slow just to make sure I didn't lose my head."

"That's good," Kim said sagely.

I rolled my eyes. "Like you have a wealth of romantic experience?"

She blinked at me before replying evenly, "I know what I want, and what I don't want. And I know what I understand, and what I don't."

I sighed. "I want to believe that if I did start dating again, that it wouldn't be because of a rebound."

"You probably can," Kim stated with such conviction that I was reassured. I did believe her. But then she added, "But that doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD start a new relationship."

"No, it doesn't," I agreed. "Because of WHOM I'd be starting a relationship with."

Paige cocked her head. "Sasha? Or DJ?"

I sighed and gave her a sardonic smile. "Yes," I answered.

Her eyebrows rose at that.

Kim gave me an appraising look. "The fact that you can't even narrow down exactly which of the two you want to be with does not bode well, unless you're planning to try dating both of them at once."

Paige snorted. "Look how well that turned out the times you tried it before." She gestured both to herself and to Kim.

"I care about both of them, but very differently."

"That's how it always is," Paige replied. "But which ONE do you care about MORE?"

"It's not that simple. I don't really know what a relationship with DJ would be like – I mean a REAL one and not the high school fling we had. And yet given what I know about her, and how I feel about her, I think that if we had the chance to grow and bond, DJ and I could be married and happily ever after for the rest of our lives. But..." I sighed, shaking my head.

"But..." Paige led me impatiently.

"But a relationship with her could only work if I was 100% certain my feelings for Dawn wouldn't come between us. They're sisters. It would be a disaster if I got together with DJ and started building a life together, only to find that I still had feelings for her older sister. And like I said before, I'm just not entirely sure I'm ready to put Dawn completely behind me yet."

"And Sasha?"

"I don't even know where to begin with Sasha. She's new. She's unknown. She's beautiful, and she seems to really like me. Being with her would be a completely fresh start, a chance to find love without any of the complications from my past. Yeah, she's got this hang-up about my reputation, but that's the old me. I get the distinct impression that if I could just reassure her that my 'Big Ben' days are behind me, she'd totally be willing to be with me."

"ARE your Big Ben days behind you?" Kim asked critically.

"I think so. Yeah."

"Then why haven't you reassured her?"

"Because if I do, then I'm telling her I want to be with her." I answered with a sigh. "But I don't want to get her hopes up, because I'm still not sure if I'm ready to be in a relationship with anybody."

"Well then the answer seems obvious," Paige said brightly. "Don't date either of them and keep fucking ME as often as humanly possible."

"Paige," I growled.

"Poo," she replied, albeit with a twinkle in her eye and a smirk on her face.

"Actually, I think she's right," Kim replied seriously. Then she added, "About not dating either of them, at least. The how often you fuck part is really up to you two."

Paige giggled again.

Taking a deep breath and pitching my head back, I stretched my arms behind my back and really felt my muscles expand. A rush of sensation coursed through my limbs, and when I exhaled and let my body contract, I felt like my head had become a little clearer. "Don't date either of them. I'm not ready for that sort of thing yet."

"No, you're not," Kim agreed with me.

"Thanks, girls. I don't think anything was said that I didn't know already for myself, but it really helped to have them said out loud." I chuckled.

"Anytime," Paige said with a smile.

"Always here for you," Kim reassured me.

I grinned and returned to the bed, opening my arms and inviting both girls to come in for a chaste hug. Paige giggled as she gleefully wrapped herself against my side, while Kim more sedately leaned in for a comforting pat. I sighed and squeezed them both, thinking about how much better it was to have a real discussion with friends I could trust rather than getting mixed up in some schizophrenic self-conversation.

Hey man. It's MPD: Multiple-Personality Disorder, remember?

Shut up you.

At that point I released my grip on both girls. Paige remained snuggled up tight against me, but Kim slipped off the bed and stood up, going over to the dresser and pulling out a plain white bra. I watched as she unbuttoned her pajama top with her back to me, and feeling my gaze, she paused her action and glanced back at me with a curious smile on her face.

I merely let my eyebrows rise up a bit, an innocent expression on my face as I made it clear I wasn't going to avert my eyes, and felt no shame in doing so.

Smirking, Kim turned to face me before sliding her pajama top off her shoulders, thrusting her modest but naked bosom toward me. Her dark nipples crinkled and stiffened in the cool air, and her proud smile matched my own. But then she removed her breasts from view by rather economically putting on the bra and re-donning her pajama top over it. And with a few twists of her wrists, she was buttoned up and presentable.

"I'll make breakfast," Kim announced while going to the door, and then her eyes darted down to my crotch where Paige's questing hand had just discovered that Kim's mini-strip had put some lead back into my pencil. "I'm sure you two can keep yourselves occupied for ... oh ... fifteen minutes?"

By now, Paige had unfastened my jeans and pulled down the zipper. Her hand ducked beneath the waistband of my boxers, and she delicately adjusted my newly forming erection so that it pointed up toward my belly button. "Better make it twenty," she replied without looking at Kim.

"Twenty minutes it is," Kim agreed before she left. "Don't be too late, or the straggler froshlings may eat it all."

Paige couldn't reply anymore. Her mouth was busy elsewhere.

-- MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2005, SENIOR YEAR --

Even though today was Halloween, and there were a few people milling about the campus in costume, it really didn't feel like Halloween. All of the important parties had taken place over the weekend, and the morning trek up the bleak, near-empty fog-bound hill had felt more like a morning hangover than the day of celebration itself.

In keeping with that theme, it seemed that a third of my morning's class failed to show up, despite it being an 11am course. Even Bert had failed to show, and I wondered whether he had slept in at home and missed his BART, or if he'd slept in at Lynne's place instead.

The prof sensed the lack of excitement this Monday morning and he kept the lecture light. It passed by uneventfully, and when it was over I bolted along with everyone else. Monday routine had Bert and I heading out for lunch somewhere and then milling around the campus until our next classes, but without my wingman and nothing to do for two hours, I was thinking about heading home to cook something and chill out on the couch instead.

"Hey Ben! Wait up!"

Hearing the familiar voice, I picked my head up and swiveled around. No, Bert hadn't arrived late just to keep me company or anything. Instead, it was someone whose voice had me simultaneously excited and anxious. I'd really wanted to talk to her, after all, but she hadn't returned my phone calls on either Saturday or Sunday.

Sasha jogged toward me from the Cheit Hall lobby, apparently having come specifically to meet me since I knew her schedule and knew she didn't have a class just now. As usual, her clothes were baggy, colorless, and unflattering. But there was a pronounced bounce in her chest area that could not be hidden, and the sexual creature inside me sighed to remember the sensation of those large, round orbs being squished against my equally bare chest while simultaneously groaning to remember that despite the situation, I had not gotten the opportunity to actually feel those puppies in my hands.

Shaking aside the lustful thoughts, I concentrated on my rational brain's excitement at seeing her, and especially at seeing the expression on her face. Absent was the haunted look of regret that had covered her face just before she'd bolted from my bedroom. In its place was a genuine smile, albeit with a tightness that betrayed her own anxiety in seeing me again as well. Not surprising, since the last time we'd seen each other we'd both been half-naked with our tongues stuck in each other's mouth. And then there was the aforementioned running away.

"Heyyy," I greeted warmly, although cautiously, as she approached and slowed down.

To my surprise and pleasure, Sasha bypassed any further verbal greeting and instead wrapped me up in a hug. I felt the anxiety slide off my shoulders like so much dead weight before realizing that I'd actually dropped my messenger bag to the floor as I hugged her back.

A moment later, she stepped back, breathing deeply. She glanced to my sides before returning to my eyes, asking, "Where's Bert?"

"You got me," I replied. "Didn't show up for class. I was just about to text him."

"Oh." The smile on Sasha's face gave away her relief at this new development. "Do you have any lunch plans?"

"Food? No. Company? I think I'm now set." I crooked my elbow, and she immediately looped her arm through mine.

We hadn't said a word about Friday night just yet, but already I was feeling better.

After everything that had happened to us, you'd think the LAST place Sasha and I would end up alone together was my bedroom, and yet that's exactly where we went. Both of us clearly wanted to talk about Friday night, but neither of us wanted to broach the subject while still on campus. We discussed food options south of Bancroft while walking in that general direction, without coming to any real consensus. But when I suggested just cooking something for her at my place, she jumped at the opportunity. Privacy was the priority of the day.

Even so, the conversation was light as she hung around the kitchen, if you consider discussion of a stripper's evening to be light. Having skipped Friday night to come to our party, Sasha went back to work Saturday and Sunday and she regaled me with sordid tales of fat, greasy men who had a hard time keeping their hands to themselves. I remarked about feeling that Nocturne wasn't that kind of place, especially in comparison to the more glitzy clubs. Sasha told me those kinds of guys were everywhere, even at Nocturne. But she also told me about a starched-shirt middle-aged couple who'd gotten a private dance from her and ended up nearly fucking each other in the private room.