Chapter 3: Moving Forward

-- SEPTEMBER 2005, SENIOR YEAR --

"What do you think, deli?"

I thought about the three or four different sandwiches I might order at our usual deli, and shook my head. "Kinda in the mood for Blondie's."

"Pizza again?" Bert made a face. "How 'bout Thai?"

We'd gotten Thai food last week, but I'd ordered Pad Thai then and today the thought of Crying Tiger actually appealed. So I head-nodded south in the direction we'd need to go.

Bert turned at the next fork in the walkway, and we chatted about random stuff for a minute or two before a voice called from behind us, "Hey guys! Wait up!"

We paused and turned to look, as did three other dudes a little further to our left. Bert and I smiled to see Sasha jogging to catch up to us. I think the other three dudes smiled to see Sasha, period.

The beautiful brunette always seemed to be going out of her way to hide her beauty. Her clothes weren't frumpy or anything, but they certainly didn't do her any favors for flattering her body. She favored muted colors and khakis, and blocky cuts instead of more fitted attire. Rarely had I ever seen her in a skirt or nice blouse, something that would show off her nice legs or well-stocked rack. Her hair more often than not was in some no-nonsense ponytail or otherwise casually-styled. And in class, she often wore glasses that only emphasized the plain-Jane look.

But there was no mistaking the beauty of her face. Even with minimal makeup, she was a striking young woman. And she was even prettier when she smiled the way she was doing now as she caught up to us, turned immediately into my arms, and gave me a quick welcoming hug.

"Off to get lunch?" she asked, slightly out of breath.

I nodded. "You, too?"

At Sasha's nod, Bert asked, "Don't you normally get lunch with your other friends?" At this point, we were all Seniors and the vast majority of our classes were held in Cheit Hall. So even though we didn't have the same class as Sasha just before lunch, we often saw her and would wave hello before going our separate ways to get food.

Sasha's smile disappeared instantly, and she had to take a deep breath before once again looking us in the eyes. "That's a long story."

I gestured ahead. "We're getting Thai food. Plenty of time to tell it."

The long story didn't turn out to be so long. The upshot was that Sasha broke up with Rod, her boyfriend since high school. I certainly remembered the guy. Even though Sasha had been my project team member since last year, and a pretty good friend as well, I'd only seen Rod a handful of times. He fit into the growing category of guys who'd heard of my reputation and instantly despised me sight unseen. That his girlfriend was in my orbit must have been hard for him to handle, and he certainly wasn't above threatening me on the few occasions we met. But we rarely crossed paths and I was pretty sure Sasha had to be going out of her way to run interference in order to ensure we didn't meet more often.

I was stupid enough to ask if being friends with me had anything to do with Sasha's break-up. Somehow, she managed to pull off the exact same eye roll and tone as DJ when she leveled me with a look and replied, "Not everything about my love life is about YOU."

I winced and shut up.

Despite the apparent inappropriateness of my question, Sasha did end up answering it. She emphasized that Rod trusted her, and once she assured him that there wasn't anything between her and me, he let it go. Oh, he still would have preferred she not spend much time with me, but he had known her long enough to know she wouldn't fool around behind his back.

"We just drifted apart."

"We aren't the same people we were in high school."

"As we got closer and closer to graduation – and the prospect of moving on to the real world – we eventually figured out that we weren't ready to be settled down and committed just yet."

"Life is about moving on, moving forward."

"I'm happy we were both able to realize it."

The way she described it, everything about the break-up was quite cordial and mutually agreed upon, but I wondered to myself how accurate her representation was. Sasha said "we knew" and "we agreed" a lot, but her narrative seemed to make more sense if those phrases were "I knew" and "he grudgingly accepted". Then there was the reason why she was having lunch with US instead of them: Quite frankly, her group of friends seemed to be entirely on Rod's side, and she was the now the outcast unwelcome to return.

"I just thought it best to give him some space."

"He's taking it kind of hard."

"Our friends aren't too happy with me."

"Gosh, we haven't even had sex for over a month."

That last bit was NOT said amongst the other diners at the Thai joint. The conversation had lasted through lunch and over the walk back to my house, and only once safely ensconced somewhere private did Sasha reveal that little nugget about her personal life.

Okay, maybe the long story DID turn out to be pretty long. But it wasn't all just Sasha's story. You see, she somehow also got me talking about my break-up with Dawn.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Still in the Thai café, the original story of Sasha's break-up with Rod really wasn't all that long. She gave a surface-level explanation over lunch and when she seemed reticent to go into further detail, Bert and I weren't about to press her. After Sasha said that she couldn't see herself settled down with Rod immediately after graduation, we segued topics to the career options we were hoping for post-graduation. I explained that BioGen had a job waiting for me in Palo Alto should I want it when I graduated. Bert commented that he wished he could trade places with me, as having my job there would keep him close to Lynne.

I reminded him that Lynne was graduating at the same time, which meant that HER first job might very well be somewhere far away from Palo Alto. Sasha pointed out that Bert's mentality was exactly why she couldn't stay with Rod anymore, because SHE couldn't muster up the devotion to alter her career plans for him. And Bert explained that Lynne would be pursuing her Master's degree, presumably at Stanford, which meant that staying close to Palo Alto was still the goal.

"What about YOUR Master's Degree?" Sasha asked Bert. "We're all on MBA-track here. And I seem to recall that at the end of last semester you'd told me you'd planned on getting your MBA right here, right away."

"Well, that was BEFORE Lynne."

Sasha just rolled her eyes. "Young love. Is there anything more stupid in the world?"

Bert seemed ready to crack back at that, but you could actually see his face as he remembered that Sasha had quite literally just broken up with her boyfriend, and he held his tongue. The conversation died out a bit, and a little while later Bert decided to head off to his next class while Sasha and I remained behind. Both of us had a few hours to kill.

Now I need to say up front that to date, I'd been relatively closed-mouth on the details of my break-up with Dawn. Sure, my roommates had more or less been there when it happened, but Brooke and DJ sure weren't going to spout off about my personal life, and Kim wasn't exactly known for being the most forthcoming person, either. Bert knew a little – he'd come by the next day and then spent a bit of time outside my door trying to talk me into coming out – but school was over and he'd returned to Fremont when I made it clear that I wasn't in the mood to chat.

The rest of the people that knew us had been outright shocked when they returned to campus for the new year and found that Dawn had not come back with me, Sasha included. When she asked me about it, I'd given her even less explanation than she'd just given about her break-up with Rod. Bert didn't have much he could tell her. And of course, Kim wouldn't say a word without permission.

And I wasn't planning on telling her about it now, either. That part just sort of happened ... later...

The beginning was all about her.

"Well, I gotta head across campus, guys. I'll see you both later." Bert hoisted his backpack and then gave us a mock salute as he turned and left the restaurant. He was enrolled in an upper-level Philosophy class, not because it was a requirement but really just because he'd enjoyed the Intro course so much. Sasha and I didn't have anything until Isakova's Econ class later in the afternoon.

I watched him go and then turned my attention to Sasha. She was quiet, staring at her hand still holding onto her chopsticks, just sort of rubbing the cheap wooden tips together. I got the distinct impression that she was a little lost at the moment – not the most welcome person amongst her usual friends – and I didn't want to leave her alone. "Hey," I ventured. "Got some time to kill? We could head over to my place and get some studying done."

Her face lit up, but in a relieved way and not with any of the sort of blush that usually rose into a girl's cheeks when I invited them to go somewhere private with me. Throughout the entire course of our friendship, Sasha had never shown any interest in me sexually or romantically – quite the opposite, actually – and I didn't expect that to change now. In the aftermath of losing a boyfriend she'd had since high school, she really looked like she just needed a friend.

Having stared into the abyss of being completely and utterly alone myself, I knew how she felt.

Once we were on the sidewalk, I didn't ask her anything more about the break-up. She'd told me and Bert the basics and I was perfectly willing to leave it at that, but for whatever reason she wanted to continue talking about it. And I was willing to listen.

"Even though I did it myself, I still can't believe it's over," she began, staring straight ahead without actually seeing anything in front of her. At one point, I had to physically grab her shoulder to keep her from walking off the curb and into oncoming traffic.

"We were together for more than four years – that's practically a lifetime. Four years ago, I was a teeny-bopper in high school. Britney Spears was my favorite artist, The Matrix hadn't been ruined yet by the sequels, and I had a poster of Brendan Fraser on my wall from The Mummy movies."

"Before THOSE movies got ruined by the sequels," I commented.

"Hey, I rather enjoyed The Mummy Returns." She shot me a smile, which promptly vanished as the Jansport roller-backpack I'd given her last year caught a piece of uneven sidewalk and she had to fight to keep her pack from tipping over.

We walked along for another few seconds in silence, no sounds except for that of traffic and the constant drone of her backpack wheels interrupted rhythmically by each seam in the concrete sidewalk. But eventually, Sasha found her voice again.

"Four years before that, I was a late-blooming 13-year-old, still getting used to the idea of hitting puberty and dealing with all the hormones that come with it. I was so innocent back then. SUCH a long time ago..."

I nodded. I'm sure that adults can go through four years without a whole lot changing in their lives, but for kids and teenagers and young adults, every four years marks a completely different universe of physical development and social maturity. "How long did you know Rod? Were you friends even back then?"

Sasha flashed a broad smile, but her eyes were still unfocused as she stared back into the past. "Yeah. We were neighbors, actually. He was the boy next door ... literally. His family was there first. We moved in when I was twelve, just in time for Junior High. I think he had a crush on me from the beginning; I certainly caught him once or twice trying to peek in through my bedroom window."

"Little pervert."

"Twelve-year-old boys. Surely you were guilty of something like that a time or two in your past."

I shrugged. I actually hadn't ever been a Peeping Tom. Why would I need to be? Dawn had been showing her body to me every summer since even before twelve. While the female body would never lose its mystique and wonder, it at least wasn't a mystery to me.

"I never really thought the same way about him," Sasha continued. "I was new and very nervous about meeting people my own age. I was painfully shy back then, and found it hard enough to talk to girls in my class. Boys? Yeah, right. But his parents were very warm and welcoming in that Americana way, showing up with fruit baskets and whatnot from Day One. They loaned us some yard equipment. My dad forgot to return them right away. You get the picture."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"So I saw a lot of Rod around, and we were friendly enough, but I wouldn't have called us friends back then. Acquaintances, more like it."

"But that changed eventually."

"Eventually. We ran in different circles: he was a jock, I was a nerd. We were polite enough to say hello when we passed in the halls, but we never hung out or anything. Sometimes his parents would throw a neighborhood barbecue, and we'd talk for a little bit about school stuff. And he's got a little brother, Kit, who's just adorable and who would follow me around like a puppy dog while Rod kept getting annoyed and shooed him away. But all that sort of changed Junior year when he signed up for Math tutoring; his grades weren't what they needed to be to get into a UC."

"You were his Math tutor?"

She nodded. "Extra credits. I'd been tutoring since I was a sophomore. At the time, I thought it was just coincidence, or perhaps the teacher knew we lived next door to each other and thought it would be convenient for studying. It was only much, much later when I found out that he'd specifically requested me."

"Smooth move."

"It worked out for Rod in the end." Sasha then took a deep breath and looked away. "Or I guess ... not."

"When did you two start dating?"

"Not until the summer after our Junior year. I really wasn't much into the dating scene. I had always been focused on my grades. You may or may not have noticed that about me."

I chuckled and nodded. "I've noticed."

"I'd been asked out a couple of times, and I'd gone out on a few dates, really just to see what it was all about. But I wasn't one of those girls who were really into guys and makeup and flirting and all that. The most I ever did with a boy was a little kissing, no tongue. But none of the boys really interested in me and I didn't really see the point. I'd rather hang out with my friends."

"Until Rod."

"Well..." Sasha winced and averted her eyes. Not continuing immediately.

We walked along in silence for a little bit, and when I looked up I realized we were at my house. Without a word, I reached over and picked up Sasha's backpack, carrying it up onto the porch and then into the house after I'd unlocked the front door. Sasha blushed as she followed me in, and then left the backpack behind by the living room archway as she went over to a couch and flopped into a seat.

"Water? Soda? Juice?"

"Water, please. With ice."

I nodded and went to get two. When I returned, Sasha was holding the side of her head in one hand, her elbow propped on an armrest. She accepted the glass, took a tiny sip, and then set it down on the coffee table. And then she went silent again while I sat down on the couch, although I kept a full body's width between us.

"Rod kind of wore me down, when I stop and think about it," she suddenly said out of the blue, without preamble. "I knew he liked me. Hell, half the school knew he liked me. He'd dated around a bit, the way every jock in high school at least tries to do. I know for a fact that he slept with at least two girls before me. But neither of those relationships lasted very long. His mom was really sweet ... still is, actually. And I could always sort of feel her trying to nudge us together whenever I saw her around the neighborhood."

I frowned. "But you didn't like him back?"

"I liked him well enough, at the time. He's good-looking, and big and strong. He was always a perfect gentleman to me, and he made it obvious that he wanted to go out with me. Various friends of mine would tell me that he'd told his friends to figure out whether or not I'd go out with him, and he even asked me out point blank two or three times before I finally said yes. By then, I figured ... why not? That was in November of our Senior year, almost four years ago. I never really thought then that it would have lasted this long."

"Did you ever start to really like him?"

"Yeah, I did. He was a great boyfriend. He never pressured me. He was always attentive. He was always loyal. For example, I knew he wanted sex, but I was a virgin and I was scared out of my mind. A lot of the high school jocks had a three date time limit: put out in that time or you're history. I made Rod wait three MONTHS."

I didn't really know what to say to that, so I sipped my water.

Sasha was staring off into nothingness again, and she smirked as she added, "He was so excited, he filled the condom in about twenty seconds."

I DEFINITELY didn't know what to say to that.

Presently, Sasha's smile faded. Her eyes darkened, and she glanced away. "But things change. Stuff happens in your life you can't control. Rod was always a great boyfriend. Always. He was there for me when I needed him. We'd grown up together. And I'm really close to his family. All that has to count for something, right?"

I didn't follow exactly what she meant, but I nodded.

"It was a good relationship, while it lasted. He was a good boyfriend. The best, really. Oh, he had his flaws and foibles – he could get really jealous of me, but you already knew that – but there was nothing deal-breaking. It's just ... It's just..."

She choked up then, and looked ready to cry. Without thinking about it, I put my hand on her shoulder and rubbed it reassuringly. She raised her opposite hand and put it on top of mine, squeezing it. And we both waited a few moments while she fought to get her emotions back under control.

I didn't know exactly what to say in that moment. Clearly, Sasha was in confession mode, telling me about her life in greater detail than ever before. Though we'd been friends and project teammates for a year now, our conversations had never been this personal, and I didn't honestly feel like I knew her well enough to give her truly sound advice about how to go from here.

But one thing I HAD learned is that when a woman is feeling emotional, the one thing she wants to feel more than anything else is supported. She wants to feel that you understand, that you're on her side, and the only thing I could think to do in that moment was show her some common ground.

"Dawn and I were practically born together," I began quietly as I dropped my hand off her shoulder. "Our families were BEST friends, and still are. We grew up sharing cribs and playpens all the way until we were ten and my family moved away."

She sniffled and looked at me. "I didn't know that."

"We lived in different cities all the way until coming here, so we never had the kind of high school romance that you did with Rod. But our families met up every summer for a month at this camp way up in Northern California. Every year, it felt like we picked up right where we'd left off: best friends forever."

"That's sweet." Sasha smiled and then added, "So you two became boyfriend/girlfriend as soon as you got to college?"

I blushed and shook my head. "No, actually. I came with my high school girlfriend, Adrienne. Did you ever meet Adrienne? No? Well maybe you will someday. She visits every now and again. And anyway, Dawn came with her high school boyfriend as well."

Sasha frowned. "But when did you two get together? I had several classes with you both freshman and sophomore years, and you certainly looked a happy couple even back then."

I chuckled and shook my head. "Nope. Just best friends. We didn't actually become a couple until after sophomore year."

"REALLY?"

"Really. You know, a LOT of people have thought that about us over the years. I'm sure there are still a bunch who think Dawn and I got together and broke up a dozen times already. But seriously, the ONLY time we were ever actually a couple together was last year."

"But not anymore." Sasha looked sad for me.

I sighed and shook my head. "Not anymore."

"What a pair we make. Broken up from our childhood sweethearts and now commiserating on a couch. I think we're supposed to switch these waters for tequila, and then get drunk and try to drown our sorrows in crazy sex."

I blinked in surprise and then stared wide-eyed at Sasha, who looked at me in disbelief that I took her seriously for even a moment. "I'm kidding. Completely kidding."

I blinked again. "Okay then."

"Sorry, forgot about your reputation for a minute. Has something like that actually happened to you?"

I scratched my head. "Uh, I don't think I've ever done that one. But you'd be surprised what I've been through."

She sighed and shook her head. "You know, sitting here talking to you about these special relationships we've had since childhood, it's hard to believe you're even half the skirt-chasing lothario the rumors make you out to be. You seem so ... normal."

"Yeah, well..." I fumbled. "I do TRY to be normal."

Sasha cocked her head and stared at me intently for a moment. "Is that what happened between you and Dawn? Something sordid and sexual? Did you cheat on her?"

"What? No! Never!"

"But you two WERE having sex with other people ... weren't you?"

I blushed. "Well ... yeah..."

"Did something go wrong with one of those ... encounters?"

"In a manner of speaking..."

"Who? What?"

"You know, I'd really rather not say..."

Sasha frowned and pouted, but she didn't press me further. She folded her arms across her chest and looked away from me, and I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself. It was only the two of us in my house, and no external distractions promised to be forthcoming. There was a distinct awkwardness between us right now, and my mind raced trying to figure out how I could make a graceful exit from this conversation.

But before I could, Sasha turned and fixed me with an intense stare. "Did SHE cheat on YOU?"

My face was answer enough. I didn't intend to give it away, but I could see in Sasha's eyes that she picked the truth out from my stricken expression.

"Why? How? With whom?"

Grimacing, I held my hands up. "Sasha, I'm sorry. But I'd really rather not get into this."

"How COULD she? She LOVED you. I KNOW it. I SAW it. Seriously? She CHEATED on you? No way!" Shaking her head, Sasha suddenly stood up and paced away.

I just took a deep breath and continued trying to calm myself. Maybe Krav Maga wasn't the right discipline for me. Maybe I should be learning Yoga.

"I asked Bert and Kim both about this already. Kim, of course, wouldn't give me the time of day on the subject. Bert didn't know, but when we raised the idea, just shooting in the dark, really, we both agreed that it just wasn't possible. 'Dawn doesn't need to' was the way he put it. He wouldn't tell me exactly, but I gathered that you and Dawn were swinging with others."

I shrugged noncommittally.

"She cheated? Really? Is that why she didn't come back? She couldn't face being here with you anymore?"

"Sasha, it's really not that simple."

"Then what? What else can there be?"

I waggled my head for a moment, searching for the right words. And in the end, all I could really come up with was, "Well, in a way ... she's just like you."

Sasha stopped pacing and stared wide-eyed at me, looking as if I'd just slapped her.

"No, I don't mean to imply that you cheated on Rod," I sputtered before sticking my foot in my mouth. "Uh, did you?"

"NO!!!"

"Okay, okay. Didn't think so," I replied with my hands up defensively. "Uh ... um ... What I meant ... What I mean is ... She's like you. It's been a lifetime in this relationship. Sticking together past graduation means being together forever. But she wasn't ready for that. The idea scared her. And so she left."

Sasha exhaled, pursed her lips together, and then stared right at me. "She's not just like me."

"Of course, of course not. I didn't mean--"

"There's one really big difference between Dawn's relationship with you and my relationship with Rod."

"What's that?"

Sasha sighed and looked away. "I never loved him."

"Hey ... It'll be okay..."

When the world came back to me, I found myself in a position I'd long associated with comfort: my head pillowed on a woman's breasts. I'm sure there's some sort of psychology involved – Freud would certainly have an opinion on the matter. The funny thing is: my mom doesn't even have a really big rack, and yet in my choices for romantic partners I'd clearly gravitated toward the more well-endowed females of the species.

The breasts I currently lay on fit in this category; they were D-cups at least. I didn't need to read a bra tag to know. With all my experience in such matters, I could just tell. The cheeks don't lie. Not that I was actively trying to guestimate bust size. This wasn't a sexual moment; it was a comfort moment. And if I had my way, I would have stayed in this position forever.

But as my heart rate slowed, and as I took deeper and deeper breaths, I became increasingly aware of exactly WHOSE bosom I'd nuzzled up against. As my mind slowed down, and as the rioting emotions receded, I became more consciously aware of my situation, and also realized that what I was currently doing to Sasha wasn't exactly appropriate given the nature of our friendship.

Inhaling sharply at this realization, my nose bubbled and a glob of snot flew inward from my nasal cavity and impacted the back of my throat. The sensation made me want to retch, but my mouth was too busy trying to slurp up the drool that had started leaking out the corner of my mouth.

I was too late, though. As I picked my head up from Sasha's chest, I saw the dark patch of drool moisture staining her sweater. And I mumbled an apology as I sat up straight, wiped the tears from my eyes, and tried to wrap my head around everything I'd just said and done in the past ... uh ... Shit, I didn't even know how long it had been.

It seemed like a dream, or more appropriately, a nightmare. Part of me didn't want to believe it had actually happened, and yet the drool-evidence was still right there on Sasha's sweater. Even so soon after my ... well, I guess you'd have to call it a breakdown ... the details were a little fuzzy.

I remember that it had started with Sasha's admission that she'd never loved Rod. Having witnessed the parallels of her break-up with him and Dawn's break-up with me, I couldn't help but wonder aloud if Dawn had ever truly loved ME. Parental notions of soulmates aside, we had grown up together and fallen in love together and come to depend on each other to always be there. I knew -I- had always loved Dawn; but now I had to seriously question whether or not she EVER loved ME.

She'd had a million chances to be with me. The summer after giving me her virginity, we'd made plans to maintain a long-distance relationship. But upon her return home, Dawn had almost immediately fallen in love with Ryan and become HIS girlfriend, not mine. Then, when our dreams came true and we found out we would be attending college together, she chose to stay with HIM instead of becoming my girlfriend the way we'd originally planned. Only years later, when Ryan was graduating and moving away, did she finally become my girlfriend. And then almost immediately she had asked me to help her seduce first other women, and then seduce other men. Finally, she cheated on me and left me. And then at the end of the summer when I'd forgiven her and looked forward to a chance to reconcile and fix our relationship once more, she'd taken a leave of absence and gone off to Morris Camp instead.

I'd believed Dawn loved me. I wanted to STILL believe. But was the evidence really there? Or was she like Sasha, just ... worn down by the pursuit of a guy who was obviously into her? Did Dawn get together with me because she WANTED me? Or did she get together with me because -I- wanted HER ... And she just ... settled?

Dawn LOVED you. Dawn STILL loves you.

Does she? Really? Do I KNOW that?

I remember looking over at Sasha, surprised by the expression on her face. I remember realizing that I was standing in the middle of the living room, having paced around in circles while that little inner monologue I'd been having with myself was ACTUALLY an outer monologue of sorts, and I'd been voicing my insecurities out loud.

Sasha had tried to assure me that Dawn's relationship with me was nothing like her relationship with Rod – that even though she'd never personally felt love she recognized it in others. I asked her why, then. Why had Dawn left me? Why did she cheat on me? Why couldn't she be happy with me?