Chapter 2: Single

-- SEPTEMBER 2005, SENIOR YEAR --

"Dead cow, dead chicken, or dead mystery meat?"

Airheaded blonde Tammy Toth held her empty paper plate and gave me a blank look. "Excuse me?"

"Burger, chicken, or hot dog," I explained. "Given your lack of bun, I'm guessing chicken."

Tammy cracked a smile and held up her plate while I used the tongs to pick up a chicken breast and hand it over. Perkily, she said, "Thanks, Ben."

"No sweat."

Tammy then leaned over and pecked my cheek, lingering for an extra moment to croon into my ear, "I must point out, though, that I have a very nice pair of buns, should you care to look."

That put a little smile on my face. I watched the busty blonde sashay off with a little extra wiggle in her hips so that I could ogle her ... uh ... buns. But my attention was drawn back as Vivian Wang held up her burger bun-adorned plate and chirped, "Dead cow, please."

After one spatula-delivery of burger patty to Vivian's plate, the pretty Chinese girl hopped up on her tip-toes and also gave me a peck on the cheek. I chuckled aloud this time, and she winked at me before returning to her friends.

Meli Kanemura stepped up. "I'm not so sure about this..." she mumbled while arching an eyebrow at me.

I blushed and shook my head. "There's no requirement to kiss me. Tammy and Vivian are just flirting."

Meli's eyebrows popped and she gave me a lopsided grin. "Oh, no. Not that." She quickly stepped into me, wrapping her free arm around my neck and pulling me down while darting her tongue into my mouth and locking her lips to mine. But just as suddenly as she'd approached, the impish Hawaiian girl stepped back and smiled. "I'd kiss you anytime..."

"Ale ko'u kai..." I mumbled with a sizzle in my eyes.

"That an offer?" She jutted a hip out with one hand on it, raising her chin up challengingly.

I laughed, and she giggled, and then I returned to her original comment. "So then, what is it you weren't so sure about?"

Holding up her plate, Meli complained, "Well I was going to get a hot dog. But that 'mystery meat' crack didn't sound appealing."

I grinned. "Relax, they're 100% kosher Hebrew Nationals. Brooke made me drive out to Costco last night for supplies."

"Well in that case..." Meli proffered her plate.

Once Meli left, I surveyed the remaining crowd. There were about two dozen people milling around my house, the vast majority of them current sophomores. Brooke's and DJ's little circle of friends had grown over the past year, and there were a number of satellite acquaintances also present at this shindig. It had been DJ's idea to continue the "Back to School" barbecue tradition begun last year, even though my inner clique had more or less disintegrated and Kim's biker friends were not in attendance.

Kim herself wasn't here, either. With Bert off visiting Lynne for the weekend and no other close friends around, Kim had offered to postpone her trip home to give me some "adult" company as she put it. My dirty mind had instantly inferred that she planned on finally having sex with me again after gently turning down my advances for the past several days, but she was quick to explain that she just meant having someone else over the age of 20 be present. I'd told her I would manage without her company, and Kim had gone home to her family. She and her motorcycle would return on Sunday, so for the meantime, I found myself the lone Senior amongst a bevy of nubile teenaged coeds.

This status in and of itself was reason to flirt with me. It was an interesting phenomenon I'd come to witness over the many years of my academic education: young girls always liked flirting with older guys. I suppose it made them feel older and more mature themselves. Add in my natural male hunkiness, the fact that I was Master of the Grill, and the female-heavy ratio of those in attendance, and I became the frequent target of female attention.

I was used to it by now. Years of being the Grill Master at Elaine Fukuhara's parties had schooled me in the ways of multi-tasking meat-cooking, meat-serving, and flirtatious conversation. Plus, flirting with this group of girls had always been a comfortable, innocuous routine. For all of last year, the girls had known me as Brooke's older brother who would banter back and forth with them without actually making a pass. Despite my somewhat legendary reputation on campus, I'd been clearly devoted to my girlfriend Dawn and had stated plainly to the collective group that I didn't want to get involved with one of Brooke's friends out of concern for my little sister's happiness.

But that was last year.

Dawn was now out of the picture. I was known to be single. And far be it from me to put a damper on anyone's evening by refusing to engage in at least "polite" conversation with these guests visiting my home. I'm not saying I would actually bed any of them – not without being quite sure of how such a liaison would affect both their and my relationship with Brooke – but I certainly didn't see any harm in flirting back.

I only spent the first hour as Lord of the Flames, our Weber grill big enough to cook plenty of food for the whole crowd with minimal delay. After that, I left the remaining meat, corn, and foil-wrapped potatoes under the hood to keep warm and decided to disappear up into my bedroom and leave my sister's friends alone.

I had just made it up two steps in the stairwell when someone called out behind me, "Hey, leaving already?"

I turned around and involuntarily my eyes dropped down to some very nice cleavage wrapped in a pink halter top. From my elevated position, I had a particularly good view, made even better when the girl in question crossed her arms beneath her breasts and lifted them up for me.

Smiling, I raised my gaze to the face of Alexis 'Lexi' Gilmore, a very pretty green-eyed brunette who'd been Meli's roommate since both girls arrived on campus last year. Shrugging, I replied, "I figured you froshlings would loosen up and have more fun without Big Brother hovering over you."

"'Froshlings'?" Brooke had been walking by and stopped when she overheard me. My little sister pouted, "We're not 'froshlings' anymore. Every one of us here is at least a sophomore now."

Leaning on the stair railing, I smirked as I sipped my "to go" bottle of Corona before shaking my head and replying, "Though you're no longer first-year students, you'll always be 'froshlings' to me."

My little sister rolled her eyes and then kept on walking, returning to the living room. Lexi watched her go before turning back to me. "You're not just any big brother. You're cool. Everyone is chill around you. Come back. Please?" And with that, the pretty teenager extended a hand out to me, inviting me to take it.

Well, it IS quite difficult to turn down such a beautiful girl, especially when she's giving you that doe-eyed puppy dog look. Chuckling, I allowed myself to take her hand and she quickly interlaced her fingers through mine.

"I think being one of your froshlings is pretty cool," Lexi sighed as she tugged me over to the living room. "Makes me feel like we're more special than the other girls on campus."

"Of course," I replied. "You all are my sister's best friends."

Lexi gave me a coy look while biting her lower lip. "Yeah well maybe this year, we can be your friends, too."

I arched an eyebrow at that comment, but Lexi was already looking forward. As we entered the room, Joel Cha, Brooke's boyfriend, and Carlos Verdugo both gave me head nods in greeting. I raised my bottle in salute back to them and then found that Lexi was directing me into an available spot at one end of a couch. And after I plopped down, she settled her Daisy Duke-covered ass onto the armrest beside me.

"Everybody thank Ben for doing all the cooking!" DJ announced.

"Thanks, Ben!" came back the resounding chorus.

I grinned and glanced up as Lexi batted her eyelashes at me and dropped her hand ever-so-casually to scratch at my bare knee. There certainly were worse ways to spend a Friday evening.

The next morning, I yawned as I entered the empty kitchen, feeling a little out of sorts but not quite able to put a finger on exactly why. My sleep had been ... okay ... It's not like I'd spent hours tossing and turning or anything, but I knew that I'd had more restful nights. Truth be told, I'd been feeling off now for days.

As my stomach gurgled, I figured that a nice breakfast would be just the thing to make me feel better. I opened up the refrigerator, staring at the carton of eggs and various other supplies of food in pre-preparation form. I weighed my distinctly lacking ability as a chef against my current hunger, and with a sigh decided I was probably best off pouring some cereal and milk.

Hmm, maybe a drive over to Carl's Jr wasn't out of the question.

But just when I was about to surrender to the temptations of fast food, I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see Brooke join me in the kitchen, wearing a light bathrobe and her unkempt hair held up with a clip. "Oh, thank goodness you're up," I remarked with obvious relief.

My little sister smirked at me while shaking her head. "You know, maybe you should spend this extra time you've got as a single man teaching yourself how to cook."

"The thought has occurred to me."

Just then, Joel entered the kitchen as well and blushed as he stammered out a greeting. No matter how familiar one can be with a guy, it's always a little awkward to run into your girlfriend's big brother the morning after you've obviously spent the night.

"Sit down," Brooke told us both as she rolled up her sleeves. "I'm making french toast."

Joel and I shrugged at each other, and we wandered out into the living room to park ourselves on the couch. The TV remote was quickly in my hand and college football was quickly on the screen. It was opening weekend, but the Bears weren't playing Sacramento State until 2pm. So we settled for channel surfing the rest of the nationally-televised games for the next fifteen minutes or so until my other roommates emerged from their room as well.

"Oh hey, football," Josh Kohn exclaimed as he came into the room. Immediately, Joel's best friend and DJ's boyfriend crossed over to the other couch and plopped himself into a seat. I glanced back to see DJ roll her eyes as she smirked and went into the kitchen to help Brooke.

Fifteen minutes later, all five of us sat around the dining table eating breakfast. We made casual chit-chat, although Josh and Joel kept getting distracted by the football game we'd left running on the TV. After breakfast, the guys kissed their girlfriends goodbye, and then both of them departed, leaving me alone with the two girls.

"So ... what happened to your little bed-partner?" Brooke nudged me with an elbow to the ribs, now that we had some privacy. "I woke up this morning expecting to make french toast for six."

I blinked and furrowed my eyebrows. "Huh?"

DJ giggled. "We mean Lexi. That girl was ALL over you last night."

"So what happened?" Brooke repeated. "We SAW you two go upstairs. Did you kick her out and send her home after blowing her mind?"

"Not very gentlemanly of you," DJ drawled.

I frowned, shaking my head. "I didn't kick her out. We didn't hook up at all."

Brooke's eyebrows popped wide open. "Seriously?"

I blinked rapidly while giving the girls a blank expression, and then arched an eyebrow. "She's your friend. I'm not messing around with that."

Now it was DJ's turn to chirp in surprise, "Seriously?"

Brooke shook her head. "Hey, it's not my business what you or Lexi do. I never told you my friends were off-limits."

I shrugged. "You didn't have to. It was always my choice."

DJ frowned. "Laying off the froshlings was one thing when you and Dawn were still together. But you're a single guy now. You're telling me you turned down getting laid last night?"

I shrugged again, and then winced at the notion. Maybe that was why I'd been feeling off all morning. As good as Brooke's french toast was, satisfying my hunger hadn't cured my current malaise. "Well ... yeah. You're right, Lexi made it pretty clear she was interested, and I had to turn her down several times. After she followed me up into my bedroom, I tried to let her down gently."

"But WHY?" DJ asked, still confused.

"You know why. WE'VE talked about this, Deej. I'm not ready for any kind of relationship."

DJ shook her head. "Lexi wasn't going to try and tie you down into a relationship. It's the beginning of the school year and she was having a good time. She just wanted to hook up for an evening, that's all."

Brooke nodded. "She said as much when she asked my permission to seduce you."

My eyebrows popped. "She what?"

Brooke shrugged. "Like you said: she's my friend, and you're my brother."

I mused on that for a moment before sighing. "It just ... It didn't feel right, alright?" I glanced toward the door, double-checking to make sure Joel and Josh were long gone and that the three of us were completely alone. Then lowering my voice slightly I explained, "Sex with you two is one thing ... We're family. We're special. Kim and Paige aren't family, but it's kind of the same thing. I just ... I don't know that I'm ready to do that with anyone outside of this group, you know?"

The expressions on both girls' faces softened as they gave me pitying looks. Brooke reached over and rubbed my arm, saying, "You don't have to explain anything more. This soon after Dawn ... If you don't feel ready yet, you don't feel ready."

"Thanks."

Brooke nodded, but DJ bit her lip and tilted her head to the side. "So when's the last time you got laid then?"

I blinked, raising my eyebrows as I considered that. "Uh ... well ... I guess it would have been the last time you came to my room."

DJ frowned. "But that was ... Wednesday morning!"

I shrugged. "It's only been a few days. Kim's being very mysterious with me and I don't want to push her. It's not like she OWES me anything. And Paige will visit again on Tuesday, so it's not like I'm staring into the abyss of eternal abstinence."

Still frowning, DJ got up and put one knee on her chair, reaching across the table and touching her hand to my forehead as if checking for a fever. "You feeling alright?"

I chuckled, furrowing my forehead against her hand. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine."

"Backed up? A little excess pressure buildup? Are you even jerking off?"

I winced, the conversation suddenly turning awkwardly personal, even though it was just Brooke and DJ. "Uh, no..."

Shaking her head, DJ grabbed my wrist and then stood up, attempting to tug me out of my chair. Turning back to look at Brooke, she head-nodded toward the hallway and asked, "Wanna come?"

Brooke rolled her eyes and shook her head, a bemused smile on her face. "Nah, I'm good." She waved us onward and then propped both elbows on the table to sip her coffee.

"Wait, wait, Deej..." I began, resisting her pull and remaining seated. "You don't have to do this."

"I want to," she replied with glittering eyes. "Even though we're not together, I want to know that you're taken care of. I thought Lexi would end up handling this for you last night, but that didn't happen."

"It's no big deal."

"It is to ME," she stated vehemently as she began pulling me with both hands, momentarily getting my butt off the cushion before I sat back down. "Please, I want to do this for you. You'll feel so much better, and I'll feel so much better knowing that you've been satisfied, alright?"

"Deej--"

"Don't argue with me," she stated abruptly, cutting me off as she dropped my hands and propped her fists on her hips to glare at me. "Just let me do this for you, alright?"

Taking a deep breath, I evaluated this gorgeous blonde bombshell, her chest heaving and her face flushed as she stared at me with a look of heartbreaking love and concern. My mind flashed back to the aforementioned Wednesday morning, when we'd skirted the line between love and lust only to pull ourselves back from the brink at the last moment.

A part of me knew it would probably be best not to tempt ourselves. But then again, I knew I could never bring myself to deny DJ forever. I cared about her too much for that. And to be perfectly honest, I lusted for her too much for that.

Sensing that she had me nearly convinced, DJ tugged on my hand and reached out to grab my head. Pulling my face toward her chest, she bent over and then whispered into my ear, "You didn't put it in my ass last time, even though I asked you so nicely."

[SPROING]

Well, my hard erection was answering for me.

Taking a deep breath, I propped myself up on my elbows and turned my head to look toward the closet. DJ was bent over at the waist wearing nothing but thong panties, the cherry red fabric disappearing into the crack of her ass. Standing upright, she slipped her hands through the nude-colored bra she'd fished out of her drawer and then slithered the garment up her arms, removing the heavenly sight of her 34DD breasts from view and then reaching behind herself to fasten the clasp.

Silently, I continued watching her boobs jiggle as she flipped over a yellow baby T-shirt and wriggled into it. And she threw me a knowing smirk before turning around and bending over at the waist once again, giving me a fresh look at her ass while she rooted around finding the right pair of shorts to go with her top.

Only after DJ had fully dressed did I yawn and then roll myself out of her bed. I found my boxer shorts and pajama pants, sliding them on and then hopping up onto my feet. DJ was fiddling with her hair in front of her vanity before glancing back at me, biting her lip in concern. "You sure you're going to be alright?" she asked for the umpteenth time, tying her sunny blonde locks back with a scrunchy. "I hate the thought of leaving you in this big, empty house all day."

"I'll be fine," I insisted for the umpteenth time in reply as I sat back down on the bed. "Besides, I won't be in the house all day. I've decided to head out."

"Where're you going?"

"Stanford. I figure it's a good time to visit some old friends."

Looking quite relieved, DJ grinned and then sauntered over to me, sliding her right arm around my head and using her forearm to turn my face toward her. Bending over, she gave me a soul-searching kiss, biting a little bit at my lower lip when she eventually pulled away. And with a sigh, she nodded and said, "Okay, then. You just have to promise me you'll take care of yourself so that I won't keep worrying about you."

"'I will, I will," I laughed.

Without another word, DJ spun about and went back to her vanity, grabbing her purse. With agile thumbs, she began texting somebody. And now realizing that I was all but forgotten, I stood up and made my exit from the room. Time for me to get dressed too.

I felt oddly nostalgic as I drove the familiar roads to the Stanford apartment complex I once called home. I'd been here little more than a week ago, that last time I visited Amber unannounced and caught her just getting out of the shower. But even though it hadn't been so distant as measured in days, it felt like a lifetime ago.

Then, coming here had been like coming home.

Now, I was just a visitor.

At least I was still a welcome one.

"Hey there, stranger," Lynne greeted me as she opened the door. Without another word, she stepped forward to bury her face into my chest and wrap me up in a warm hug. We held it, silently, for a long few moments. No words were spoken; none were needed. This was simply Lynne's way of being here for me in the aftermath of my recent break-ups (plural).

She let go of me with a sigh and then backed up. And then as if the weightiness of the moment had evaporated in a puff of breath, she grinned and waved me in. "I'm sure you remember the old gang."

I nodded. Ivonne and the others wouldn't return until the academic school year resumed later in September. In the meantime, the usual suspects hung out in Lynne's living room: Bert, Kady, Noelle, and Amber. Bert grinned with a head nod. Kady was staring into a book but raised her right hand to flash me the peace sign. And Noelle just waved prettily.

But Amber paid me no mind. Curled up in an overstuffed armchair, she was dressed down in a baggy shirt and lounge pants, her hair in a ponytail and wire-rimmed glasses perched on her nose. She was chewing on the cap of a ball-point pen and intently studying the slim paperback book she held in her left hand. She didn't even look up at my entrance, and after all we'd been through, I felt jilted to not even merit a "hello". So with a pout, I sauntered over to verbalize my sense of hurt.

But as I came alongside her, I noticed that she wasn't reading any novel. Instead, she held some collection of puzzles, the nine-by-nine grid of numbers instantly recognizable. "Since when did you get into Sudoku?" I asked without preamble.

Not even looking up at me, Amber mumbled around her pen cap, "E-Beth told me to play it."

I arched an eyebrow at the inflection in her voice. "'Told' you?"

"Told me. Without further explanation. Which means it has something to do with David." Glancing up at me with a shrug, she sighed and then returned to her puzzle.

Now I managed a slight smile. It was better this way. Would I rather see Amber laying on the friendly affection extra-thick in an effort to somehow make up for our recent split? 'Gee, sorry, I'd rather go back to my ex-boyfriend but I'm going to be really, really nice to you?'

No. This was Amber being Amber: the studious, driven young woman pushing herself through one of the toughest medical schools in the country. And when she put her mind to something – even something as banal as a Sudoku puzzle – it was hard to distract her.

With a grin, I leaned over and pecked her forehead, which somehow did get her attention. Blinking quickly as if only now recognizing that it was ME who had arrived, her smiled carried up into her blue eyes behind those glasses and she murmured, "Hey ... Nice of you to drop by." And I could tell by the warmth in her voice that she really meant it.

"Nice to be here," I replied.

But a moment later, Amber sighed as she propped an elbow on the armrest and tilted her head into her waiting palm. With a tsking sound clucking in her mouth, she shook her head slightly and gave me an appraising stare. "You've only been away what, a week? Are you seriously that codependent that you can't just be by yourself?"

My jaw dropped, but I quickly sucked it back up and gave my ex-girlfriend a harsh look. "I'm not here because I can't be alone. I'm here because I wanted to visit my friends." I waved across the room at the others.

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Prove it. Prove you can survive just fine on your own without coming back here."

My eyebrows furrowed as my heartbeat accelerated at the challenge. But just as suddenly as it had started, I frowned and gave Amber an even harder look. "I'm not going to stay away from people I care about just to prove a point to you. I honestly thought it would be nice to see you all again, especially since the last time I saw those friends, you and I were in the middle of breaking up. Speaking of which, is that was this is about? You want to see me but you still want to avoid me? Is my presence interfering with your ability to move on and focus on your David?"

Wincing, Amber bit her lip and averted her eyes. She may not have consciously been thinking of that, but I knew my comment was hitting close to home.

I took a deep breath and looked around. Everyone else in the room was staring straight at us. Sighing, my shoulders sagged and I head-nodded toward the door. "Maybe I should go. We did just go through a break-up, and while I thought we'd be alright with each other, I don't want to make things awkward for everyone."

Just as I started pulling away, Amber reached up and grasped my hand. Tugging me back, she steeled herself with a deep breath and pushed her glasses back up her nose with her free hand. "No, you don't need to go. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. Besides: it's not my place to psychoanalyze you."

I snorted. "Don't worry. I'm used to it. Seemingly every girl in my life is constantly doing just that."

"Because we care about you," Lynne chimed in from behind me. "It's great to see you, but Amber's got a point. Are things so bad in Berkeley that you end up retreating back here the very first chance you get?"

I shook my head. "Nah. I could have gone to the gym and joined a pickup game of basketball. And there's always schoolwork to be done."

Lynne then reached out and squeezed Bert's hand. "But no close friends to 'hang' with anymore, huh?"

I sighed. Dawn was off on her sabbatical. Kim was home. Bert was here. And I hadn't seen or heard from Gwen or Robin in months. I exhaled slowly, and then shrugged helplessly. "I suppose I could've visited the Tri-Delt house and made a general announcement that I was single and available. But I guess I'd rather come here."

Lynne walked up to me and gave me another one of her warm, welcoming hugs. "Anytime."

"<BRAAAAAAP!>"

We broke our embrace and turned to see Kady grinning as she wiped her mouth after that righteous burp. Noelle was already slapping her forearm.

"Drop by anytime." Kady toasted me with her can. "But the next time you do, bring a case, will ya?"

"C'mon, dude. How hard can it be?" I muttered to myself, staring at the instructions on the back of the light blue box I held in my left hand. "Mix water, milk, and butter. Boil it. Throw in pasta. And stir it until it looks good, right?"

Yet despite my verbal self-encouragement, I remained staring at the box. After a pleasant day at Stanford, Lynne had suggested I stay for dinner. But one bemused glance from Amber thrust my wounded ego to the tip of my tongue, forcing me to insist aloud that I could cook for myself now. The girls had all chuckled at that, and Amber had deridingly promised to call me later tonight to verify my chef-tacular success.

I could've stopped off for food on the way home. I wouldn't even need to lie to Amber if she actually called, so long as I swallowed my pride and admitted I couldn't cook for myself. But fast food didn't seem appealing and the thought of sitting alone in a restaurant was even less so. And thus I'd found myself wandering up and down the aisles of Berkeley Bowl market, trying to find something simple to make without stooping so low as to buy frozen, microwaveable meals.

Pasta Roni seemed simple enough, and yet it was more daunting than almost anything I'd ever faced in my life. 'What's the worst that could happen?' I asked myself.

Well, you could DIE.

I took a deep breath. Try a new sport? No problem. Get into a fistfight over a friend in need? No problem.

Charge into an unknown motel room to rescue my baby sister from a gun-wielding Adam Dennis? In a heartbeat.

Mix water, milk, and butter without poisoning myself?

Uhh...

It wasn't that cooking was rocket science; I'd simply never done it before. Mom or my sisters always cooked at home; Dad taught me how to fix every square millimeter of the house. That was just the way it was.

"Live and learn," I sighed. Hell, by this point that could be my personal motto. Shoving my fingers under the flap, I popped the box open and glanced inside at the uncooked pasta and sealed packet of flavoring. With a shrug, I turned my hand to pour out the pasta into... Ah, hell.

A pot would be really useful right now.

Water, too.

Shit, I'm going to kill myself, aren't I?

Rolling my eyes, I set the Pasta Roni box down on the counter and started hunting around for a pot. In more than three years, I'd certainly seen the girls putter about the kitchen often enough that I should know where everything was. Yet food had been something I'd simply taken for granted all this time, so it still took me two tries to find the right drawer. And then I squatted down and began scanning the various articles of cookware inside, even going so far as to rummage around and peek at the pots and pans in the back just to make sure I was getting the right one.

"Well this is a sight I never expected to see."

The voice burst so unexpectedly from the silence around me that I immediately lost my balance as I tried to spin around. I didn't hit the cabinets very hard, really, so much as my body made a heavy thumping noise against them as I fell over.

DJ quickly covered her mouth with both hands, but there was no mistaking the amusement in her eyes. I gave her a wry grin as I went about righting myself, and she stepped into the kitchen to offer me a hand of assistance in getting up.