Chapter 33: Circumstances

-- FRIDAY, MAY 12, 2006, FINALS WEEK --

"Hey there, stranger," Bert greeted me with a fist bump at our usual intersection, and he hooked his thumbs into the straps of his backpack. "How are you feeling?"

"Been better; been worse," I replied with a shrug.

"You ready for this?" he asked, nodding his head up the hill toward Cheit Hall and the first of our last undergraduate Final Exams. Spring Finals Week was structured for graduating Seniors to start our exams early and finish by the middle of next week so that our grades would be computed in time before next Saturday's Commencement ceremonies.

I sighed, followed his gaze, and started walking in that direction. "Ready? Not so much."

"I take it you haven't gotten a whole lot of studying done the last couple of days," Bert commented as he fell into step alongside me.

"Barely cracked open a book."

"And yet you'll still get a higher grade on this Final than I will." Bert shook his head ruefully. "That's fairness for you."

I snorted. "I doubt it."

"Whatever. Not that it's important, of course. All that matters is that we graduate, right?"

I nodded. "Exactly. I'm just trying to survive the next few days."

"Well I'm sure you'll have plenty of help staying alive. I am led to believe there are a disproportionate number of ridiculously gorgeous females with a vested interest in your continued existence," he drawled laconically.

I rolled my eyes.

"And you also have one not-so-attractive but no less loyal male who wants to make sure you come out of the next week or so alive and kicking," he added with a smile. At my arched eyebrow, he chuckled and added, "Yes, me. I got your back, dude."

I smirked and shook my head. "And what has brought about this sudden declaration of bro-affection?"

Bert grinned. "Kim called me last night. Had quite the interesting story to tell. 'Self-Interest'? Really? That's corny, even for you."

I shrugged. "It's sincere. I gave her a choice, nothing more."

"You gave her a commitment, and that's serious."

"Well, it's not an engagement ring."

Bert gave me an odd look. "Maybe not, but it's not very far off, either."

I shrugged again. "She's pregnant with my baby. A commitment to taking care of both her and my son was the least I should do. Presenting her with that collar was the easy part."

"Presenting it in front of her father could NOT have been easy. Doing that had to take balls of steel."

I chuckled and shook my head wryly. "Well, I was a little amped up at the time. But I didn't do it just for drama's sake. It got the point across, and even with the challenge of doing it in front of her father, that was still the easy part."

"And the hard part?"

I set my jaw and gave Bert a serious look. "Following through. Recognizing that my life isn't just about my life anymore. Frankly, it never was. Like you said, there are people who have a vested interest in my continued survival, people who depend on me having a role in their lives. I've long talked to myself about being mindful of the consequences of my actions, but for too long I've been more concerned with the impact my actions have on ME and not enough on how they impact everyone else. 'What's the worst that can happen?' I told myself. Anything short of death, I figured, was survivable and a learning experience. But even though I somehow managed to NOT get myself killed six days ago, I still fucked up a lot of other peoples' lives. I can't live like that anymore. I have to do a better job of considering everyone else, chief among them: Kim and my son."

Bert nodded silently, processing all of that.

"By the way," I began, changing the subject. "I don't think I properly thanked you for handling the Capstone presentation without me."

"Thank Sasha. She pretty much took over all of your section."

"I did. Still, thank you."

Bert shrugged. "No biggie. Just one more thing I'm glad is out of the way."

"Well let's get this Final done, and then you'll have two things out of the way."

"And then I'll be halfway there," Bert muttered, almost to himself.

Bert had four classes this semester, but I knew him too well and something in his tone told me he wasn't talking only about being halfway done with those. "Halfway to what?"

Bert blinked in surprise, and looked over at me like he hadn't realized he'd said that aloud. Immediately nervous, he blushed and tried to shake it off, babbling, "Ah, nothing, nothing. C'mon man, we gotta get going."

"No ... what?" I pressed, my curiosity piqued. I reached out with one arm and stopped him.

"Seriously, we've got a Final in ten minutes and I don't want to distract you. It's nothing."

"It's not 'nothing', and you not telling me is going to distract me even more. C'mon, dude. Spill."

Bert sighed, glanced around to make sure no one was immediately around us, and he stepped in a little closer. "You can't tell anyone."

I snorted. "If you're gonna be this bad about hiding your little 'halfway there' comments, I won't have to worry."

"BEN!"

"Fine, fine ... I'm your best buddy. I swear I won't tell."

"Not even Sasha. Not even Adrienne. You sure you can do that?"

I smirked and shook my head. "Okay now you're hyping it way too much. All this build-up and you're gonna reveal some dirty secret that's not even gonna make me blink, aren't you?"

Bert rolled his eyes, dug into his pocket, and pulled out a black velvet jewelry box. With two hands, he opened it and showed me a sparkling diamond solitaire ring inside.

My jaw was on the ground, but I managed to pick it back up as I leaned forward and gawked, "Oh my gawd. I may have given Kim a commitment, but that is an engagement ring."

Bert nodded with a bit of a hopeful smile.

"For Lynne?"

"No, for Kady you dumbass."

"I ... but ... You guys have only been together for what..."

"Almost ten months."

"And you're already proposing?"

He smirked. "What, you're going to lecture me about rushing to the altar?"

"But when? How?"

Bert snapped the box closed and shoved it back into his pocket. "Not until after I graduate, at the earliest. I was thinking of waiting until Lynne's graduation in June, but to be honest I'm not entirely sure I can keep this under wraps that long. So now I'm wondering if I should do it over a nice dinner, or maybe after I get MY diploma and she meets me at the end of the ramp coming off stage. I've had this thing for a week already and it's been burning a hole in my pocket ever since. Might need to borrow those balls of steel if you know what I mean."

I blinked rapidly. "Does she have any idea?"

Bert shook his head. "I don't think so. Course, the longer I sit on this the more awkward I'm eventually gonna get. But I'm more careful around her, at least. Plus, I usually leave it at home, where no one can find it. But I wanted to bring it to school today as a memento of what's really motivating me to get through the end of school."

"End of school? Thought you were getting your MBA?"

"I am. And she's still getting her Masters at Stanford, too. But this is my commitment to her. I don't plan on rushing us into a wedding, and I'm perfectly comfortable having a long, long engagement if that's what's best for us. But I already know I'm never going to find a woman in the world any better than Lynne. Hanging around you I've had the opportunity to see quite a few other options, to have tempting thoughts about those ridiculously gorgeous females who are always orbiting around you. But I wouldn't trade any of them for Lynne, not even for the lot of them. Not for Adrienne, not even for Kim. Because Lynne means the world to me, and because – like you've told me over and again – she chose ME."

"Damn straight," I said with a smile. A sudden thought occurred. "Wait, do your parents know?"

"You kidding me? Like I would just spring this on them. I told my Mom what I was thinking of doing, and she was all for it. Mom loves Lynne just as much as everyone else seems to."

"Even though she's not Korean?"

"We live in a modern world," Bert replied with a shrug. "Have you told YOUR parents? About Kim and the collar?"

"Yes, I called in the morning and told them what I was planning to do about Kim and living together and raising our baby, and I also called them last night after everything was done. I think my parents expected it, but they knew I had some issues with Kim's dad and they're both relieved I've seemingly resolved them. But no, I didn't tell them about the collar. No reason to throw that in there."

"You called in the morning? What if they'd said no?"

I snorted. "They didn't, so it's a moot point. But even if they had, I'm a grown 22-year-old man making my own decisions."

"I just thought after what you said about your parents giving you that lecture and all..."

I shook my head. "I'll do a better job of keeping them informed, and I'm sure they would have said something on that phone call if I was WAY off, but my parents did raise me to be independent and make my own decisions. Besides, this is MY life. It's just like you and Lynne, or are you gonna tell me that if your parents disapproved, you wouldn't marry her anyway."

Bert thought about that. "Huh ... I guess you're right."

I nodded. "Well then. I suppose congratulations are in order for you."

Bert grinned. "And you. But first," Bert added, starting to walk toward class once again. "We've got to survive the next few days."

I smirked and shook my head. "If you really want to propose after you get your diploma, you'll have to survive the next WEEK. And if you keep bringing that jewelry box to school, there's no WAY you're gonna keep this a secret that long, not from Sasha or Adrienne."

"Doesn't matter in the end," Bert sighed. "I just need to keep it a secret from Lynne."

I elbowed him. "Well, and Lynne has to say 'yes'."

Bert gulped. "That too."

About three hours later, Bert and I walked out of the Cheit lecture hall feeling a little more haggard but still fairly confident in ourselves. Our Final Exam wasn't nearly as bad as either of us had worried, and since our Isakova Capstone was already over with as well, I patted him on the back, saying, "Two classes down, two to go, right?"

He nodded and patted his pocket. "Halfway there. Wish I had your schedule now; you've only got one more Final left."

"On Tuesday. Then I'm home free." I smiled and said, "Let's go meet the girls."

Bert nodded and gestured for me to lead the way. Sasha had an afternoon Final, and since Paige was an academic Junior she didn't have any Finals until next week, so both of them were meeting us at our usual Thai joint. But before we could walk out the front doors I heard my name being called.

"Benjamin!"

I turned around and popped my eyebrows in surprise to see Viktoriya marching quickly toward us. Although my most recent memories of her had been fictionally far-fetched ones of fucking her brains out over the desk in her office, I knew I hadn't actually seen her since leaving her office after class on May 5th, when she'd declared her profound disappointment in me not stepping up and commanding Kim to come home with me. With that disappointment in mind, I took a deep breath and prepared to go on the defensive, but before I could say anything she walked up and wrapped her arms around me in a fierce hug.

"Are you alright?" she asked right into my ear.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." I returned her hug and patted her shoulder gently. I didn't feel embarrassed that a bunch of my classmates were watching Professor Ice hug me; pretty much everyone knew I was her Teacher's Pet by now. Besides, I'd been getting plenty of strange looks and awkward questions ever since I'd removed the baseball cap I wasn't allowed to wear during the exam and everyone had gotten a look at my new buzz cut and head bandage.

Breaking the hug, Viktoriya pulled back but kept her hands on my shoulders. Giving me a firm look, she took a deep breath and stated, "I owe you an apology. I was wrong."

I frowned. "Wrong about what?"

"Wrong about Kim. Wrong about you. I do not like to admit it, but even I can be mistaken about these things."

I smirked and shook my head. "You weren't wrong. Everything you said made sense, and I DID need to man up and go get her. Maybe she didn't need me to command her like you thought, but you were certainly right about everything else."

She thought about that and nodded. "I suppose."

"I still want to thank you, for giving me a kick in the butt. I needed it."

She gave me a wry grin and drawled in a mischievous tone, "I will be happy to kick you in the butt, anytime." Her Russian accent somehow made the statement even sexier than it already was.

I smirked and shook my head, and I looked around to find that my classmates had circled in a little too close for comfort. Inclining my head toward the exit, I asked, "Were you on your way out?"

She glanced around as well, noted the crowd, and nodded. Together with Bert, we headed for the exit and once outside, she looked at me and asked, "So what happens now?"

"With Kim?"

"With you."

"Well, first I've got to graduate. Then I get a job. Gonna have a family to provide for. I'm sorry, but that means I won't be returning in the fall for my MBA. I'll have my withdrawal paperwork in before the end of next week."

Viktoriya pursed her lips and nodded. "Kim told me as much. I cannot say I am pleased, but I understood your withdrawal would be likely should you ever take ownership of her."

I smirked and shook my head. "Not taking 'ownership' of her."

"You know what I mean." She sighed. "I suppose it was a lose-lose situation for me from the beginning. I would have been disappointed in you if you did NOT take responsibility for her, and now that you have I am still losing you as a student."

"I'd like to think it was a win-win situation for you. Either you got to keep me as a student, or you got to see Kim taken care of. As it is, I'm taking care of Kim and hey, you still get to keep Bert over there as a student."

Bert's eyebrows popped up at the sound of his name, and Viktoriya laughed. "That is true. You have been one of my favorite students, Robert," she told him.

I leaned in, covered my mouth with one hand, and whispered so that Bert couldn't hear, "But hands off him, okay? I'm rather fond of his girlfriend."

Viktoriya gave me a delicious smile and replied, "No need. In this win-win situation, you will soon no longer be my student, but this also means that you will soon no longer be my student."

My eyebrows popped, and suddenly that fantasy of bending Viktoriya over her desk didn't seem so far-fetched.

-- SATURDAY, MAY 13, 2006 --

The news of Bert's impending proposal, finishing off another academic course, and the promise of a future hookup with my gorgeous older professor were just the start of a really great Friday filled with friends, family, and fun. But the merriness of Friday eventually gave way to a much more solemn Saturday.

The bow of the sleek sailboat bobbed up and down with the swell of open ocean waves. Our departure from the San Francisco pier had been quite calm, but after passing beneath the Golden Gate Bridge and cruising out into the Pacific Ocean, the water had steadily become more and more tempestuous, although the boat's crew assured us the weather posed no threat.

We'd cast off amidst a typical San Francisco fog which hung around even this late in the afternoon. The sky had been overcast all day, somber weather for a somber occasion. But as we moved further and further away from the coastline, the omnipresent gray began to give way to patches of blue sky, until finally the setting sun itself began to shine through.

Eventually, the sun broke into full view, the clouds gradually retreating behind us as we moved on and on. As the bright star dipped toward the horizon, it painted the sky and cast the receding clouds with brilliantly warm colors that surrounded us with light. And only then did we finally come to a stop, bobbing gently on the waves.

Nestled beneath my left arm, Sasha covered her mouth and her cheeks bulged for a moment. I stroked her opposite arm and asked quietly, "Seasick?"

She blinked and looked up at me for a moment, replying, "Nauseous, yes; but not from the ocean."

I sighed and nodded my understanding. Our purpose for coming way out here had been weighing heavily on everyone's minds. We hadn't spoken our thoughts aloud much, but I could tell everyone was thinking about it at some point or another. We tried to focus on the good things in memory, the happy moments that defined the way Cameron and Elyse had lived, and not the horrible ways in which they'd died.

To that end, I'd done a lot of talking with our additional guests. Amber had told me that some of Cameron's friends would be joining us to scatter our dearly departed friends' ashes at sea, but I hadn't really known them personally, not even Rebecca. In addition to the one ex-girlfriend of Carter's I'd known about, I'd been introduced to Kelly, Mary, and Audrey. I'd been told that Carter's other girlfriends Judene and Jessica had already split town with some guy named Chad, but I didn't really care to follow-up on that topic.

Kelly had started the conversation, asking for my version of the events that transpired that fateful Sixth of May. She told me that she'd been one of Cameron's oldest remaining friends, that she'd also received a desperate text message, and that she'd also arrived at Carter's mansion that night looking for a way to help her friend. She'd been in the Ready Room with Rebecca, trying to get information out of her old co-girlfriend when the gunshots had gone off. She'd been one of the first ones on the scene immediately after, holding Cameron's lifeless body in her arms and pleading with her not to go away.

Kelly thanked me for trying to rescue Cameron, and wouldn't accept my apology for not saving her. I told her Cameron wouldn't have shot herself in the first place if I hadn't been there, but she brushed off my words by saying that only Carter could be blamed for the situation Cameron had been in. The rest of the girls agreed, although I thought I saw Audrey giving me some dark looks after that.

We switched gears and started remembering the good times with Elyse and Cameron. Adrienne and I recalled the gorgeous, confident young woman who'd taken an innocent, scared 12-year-old and molded her into the high school's next Queen Bee. Adrienne spoke of her one-time best friend, and she forgave that best friend for everything that had come after. Kelly and Rebecca talked about early life with Cameron and Carter, and I had to admit I felt bad for a guy who'd lost his mother and put so much effort and energy into caring for her comatose body. Plus, it was interesting to hear about a family dynamic that was in many ways similar to my own, and yet also so very different. A part of me didn't want to talk about it, wanted to just put everything behind me and forget it all ever happened. But a part of me HAD to talk about it, HAD to know just what it was about Carter and Cameron and their relationship that ultimately led to that night when everybody died.

Kelly told me about their "sibling" relationship. Rebecca, Mary, and Audrey told me everything they knew about life in the harem, about Cameron's imprisonment, and Elyse's return to Casa de Carter in a last-gasp effort to feed her addiction.

Our conversation ended when I started revisiting the memory of watching Cameron shoot herself, of witnessing the life flash out of her eyes as the gun went off. It was joined by a vision of Elyse, her eyes wide in terror as the meth lab around her exploded into flaming heat that burned the skin off her flesh and melted her face. Those two horrors haunted me, and in the end Adrienne and Sasha had to pull me back and reassure me that everything would be alright. They'd gotten my head screwed back on straight, and a little fresh air did wonders for clearing my mind. So did the spectacular sunset. But then it was Sasha's turn to get a little nauseous thinking about the ugliness of everything, and it was my turn to help her.

With the sails dropped, the skipper turned on the engine and steered the boat in a broad circle while the girls scattered flowers in our wake. Once a full circuit had been completed, the boat steered into the middle of the ring of flowers and we collected on the starboard side, facing the setting sun which was now only minutes away from touching down into the water on the far horizon.

Amber said a few words. So did Adrienne. When she came back, Adrienne squeezed my hand and gave me a look, asking if I wanted to say anything. I did, actually. In the morning I'd worked up a little speech about meeting 'Serena Grey' on my doorstep, a broken girl who had lost her way, and how that broken girl had saved my life, found redemption, and once again became the 'Elyse Laughton' I used to know. But the words caught in my throat, and in the end I simply mumbled, "I'm so sorry."

Adrienne squeezed my hand again, and Kelly stepped up to say something. Rebecca went last, and she went on a little longer than the others, although I don't really remember exactly what she said.

When Rebecca was done, the sun was about halfway below the horizon. Amber and Adrienne did the honors of holding the two handcrafted boxes that held Cameron's and Elyse's ashes, respectively. They bid their friends a final goodbye, opened the boxes, and poured out the girls' earthly remains.

Sasha cried the whole time. Adrienne held it together until we got home. But even she let the waterworks flow once the three of us were in bed.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry anymore. The next day, Adrienne joked that I'd probably cried more in the last week than in the previous twenty-two years of my life, and my tear ducts had simply run dry. But in the moment, I simply felt too tired to cry anymore. I was sad, yes. But I'd beaten myself up for a week already, asking myself what I could have done differently and swallowing the regret that came with realizing I hadn't done so.

Cameron was gone.

Elyse was gone.

Their bodies had finally been put to rest, and nothing I could ever do would bring them back.

So the only choice I had left was to move on.

-- SUNDAY, MAY 14, 2006 --

"Right pick, right pick!"

Hearing the warning, my foot moved forward as well as to the right as I stepped around the screen that Nick had set. Since I hadn't been picked off, I was in great position to turn and track Mike's right shoulder as he collected the ball at the three-point line and launched into his shooting motion. Twisting my shoulders, I extended my left arm out as far as I could into his path. And I was rewarded with the feeling of the basketball thumping off my left wrist as it was deflected out of bounds into the fence that separated the Fukuzaki's yard from their neighbors.

"Yes! Great block!" John Fukuzaki, the eldest son cheered as he raised his hand to me for a high-five.

I clapped John's hand with my own and smiled. It felt really good to be up and about again, really using my body without restrictions. Now a week since my little "incident", I was feeling just about normal. I'd stopped taking the painkillers that had been emblazoned with warning labels to not operate heavy machinery or drive a car. My head wound had healed to the point where merely turning my head rapidly in one direction or the other wouldn't cause me to wince as the skin was tugged. And free of the mind-fogging effects of my drugs, I actually forgot sometimes that I even had a head wound to protect.

"Hey! No fair helping out your boyfriend if you're not even on the court!" Mike complained in the direction of the barbecue island where Kim, Mr. Fukuzaki, John's wife Mary, and their son Samuel (Jesus) were hanging out while grilling dinner.

Looking anything but apologetic, Kim shrugged and replied, "You shouldn't have taken such an obvious shot."

Mike glowered at his sister before glancing over at me, complaining, "You're a bad influence on her, you know? I liked it better when she'd just stay quiet instead of talking back."

Mike's smirk belied any sense of actual annoyance, and as he returned to the top of the key he cracked at his sister, "Mind the kid, not the game."

Kim sighed and glanced at me for a moment. I'd noticed how her attention kept drifting over to the game, as "Jesus" was pretty well occupied in his toys. Plus, I could see the wistful expression on her face, the kind of look someone had when they wished they could join the game.

"How about next game we play 3-on-3?" I suggested. "We get Kim and you get your Dad."

Nick made a face. "Are you kidding me? Dad would kill us if anyone so much as touched her, let alone fouled her."

Mike added, "He hasn't let her play since she came home pregnant. Too dangerous."

"That's kind of my point," I replied. "C'mon, let her at least stand in the corner and shoot threes. You can have your dad guard her and then it's all on him."

"Yeah, right," Mike scoffed. "She knows we won't touch her and she'll just drive the lane for an uncontested layup."

"There's no fun in that, either. I get that she can't play 2-on-2, since there's no way to avoid contact," I agreed. "But 3-on-3? We could make it work. No contact, and at least she can participate."

Putting the ball on his hip, Mike looked thoughtful and exchanged a glance with his brothers. It was John, the eldest, who finally turned around and called out, "Hey Dad? What do you think about you and Kim joining us for 3-on-3?"

Mr. Fukuzaki had his back to us as he looked over the grill, but he turned and frowned at his son. "Kim? Playing?"

"Sure. You've kept her on lockdown for more than three months already." John didn't bother to explain any more. Despite having his back to us, we were all pretty sure their dad had heard every word of our little exchange.

At first, Mr. Fukuzaki glowered at me (with an expression quite similar to Mike's initial glower at Kim, actually). He knew I'd made the suggestion to let Kim play despite his standing orders that she not. Since I knew I wasn't exactly on his good side – and maybe it was too soon for me to start pushing his boundaries like this – I was prepared for him to shoot the idea down cold. But to everyone's surprise, after taking a deep breath he looked over at John's wife and said, "Mary, can you please watch the steaks?"

"Of course!" Mary replied and shot a glance at Kim with an almost giddy smile.

For her part, Kim was suddenly scrutinizing the patio tiles beneath her feet, biting her lip and not daring to hope for what she thought was about to happen.

But a moment later, Mr. Fukuzaki said calmly, "Go get dressed."

Though she kept her eyes downcast, there was no mistaking the way Kim's face lit up as a big smile split her face almost from ear to ear. "Yes, sir," she replied demurely, just managing to contain her delight. But before she dashed into the house, she glanced at me with a happy face that on its own almost made all the emotional turmoil I'd gone through to get her back worthwhile.

Watching his daughter go with such enthusiasm, Mr. Fukuzaki chuckled to himself before taking a deep breath and looking back at me. He didn't say anything. He didn't need to say anything. But before he went into the house to change himself, he inclined his head ever so slightly and gave me a little smile.

-- MONDAY, MAY 15, 2006, FINALS WEEK --

Spending Sunday with the Fukuzakis had done wonders for taking my mind off the past and letting me live in the present with hope for the future. Sasha and Adrienne had both encouraged me to go, and I was thankful for the break, but Monday was my turn to do something for them to take their minds off Elyse and Cameron.

Although Sasha had an afternoon Final and chose to spend the morning at the Tri-Delt house to focus on studying, I took Adrienne out on an impromptu wine tasting tour of Napa Valley wineries that included a picnic lunch on a blanket beneath a secluded, shady tree. Dessert was Adrienne's pussy on that very same blanket, and while "our way" of making love was usually pretty hot and heavy, that afternoon we were definitely more in a "soft and tender" kind of mood.

We returned in time for dinner, and afterwards a much refreshed Adrienne volunteered to stay home while I took my girlfriend out to go mini-golfing. Yes, I got my hole-in-one to win a free game. And yes, Sasha jumped into my arms squealing in delight as the bells and alarms went off around us. For a couple of hours, at least, we got to forget about our troubles and just enjoy being young. But only for a couple of hours, and then it was back home to study one last time.