Chapter 12: I'll Take Care of You

-- TUESDAY, JANUARY 3, 2006, WINTER BREAK --

A stray beam of sunlight woke me up in the morning. So much had been going on last night, I must not have been very careful about shutting the curtains all the way. There was about an inch of space between the two curtain halves, and at this very time on this very date, the sunlight came through at just the right angle to hit the very spot where the covers didn't completely cover my head.

I found myself in a familiar position, spooned around the love of my life with one arm beneath her pillow and the other arm wrapped around her torso. But for once I didn't hold her breast in my palm, and for once I didn't have a morning erection.

How could I? My dreams last night were NOT about sex.

They'd been about babies. Lots of babies. Little blonde babies. Little brunette babies. And one very prominent redhead. For some weird reason, I'd dreamt that April Jacobsen was my daughter. I vividly remembered taking the little girl to daycare, having her reach up with those short, stubby arms to hug me goodbye, only to have her clutch my neck and refuse to let go because she didn't want me to go to work. Eventually, one of the staff came over to assist me, and I handed over my squalling toddler. She bawled and reached for me, pleading for me not to leave her even though I knew for a fact that thirty seconds after I was gone she'd calm right down and settle in to play with her friends. But that would be thirty seconds after I was gone. Right now, all I could see was squirming, despondent baby who desperately wanted her Daddy. How could I leave her? It was for the best, sure, but how could I truly look at that adorable face contorted in agony at my impending departure and still walk away?

DJ was still asleep beside me, her face tight from nightmares of her own. I stroked her back soothingly, and then pulled the blanket a little further up her shoulder to make sure the sunbeam wouldn't hit her face if the sun shifted in that direction. She seemed to relax, and I whispered softly in her ear, "I love you." Hopefully the warmth in my voice would bounce around her subconscious in such a way that helped bring her some peace.

She needed it. My fiancée had gone through a riot of emotions last night, trapped between what she wanted to do, what seemed the most practical, and what she thought she was supposed to do. None of those concepts were very concrete, either: the two options of 'keeping the baby' or 'aborting the baby' took turns being what she wanted, what was most practical, or what she was supposed to do, depending on where we were in the conversation.

Mom, Dad, and the twins were downstairs watching a movie and willfully being ignorant of (A) me and Adrienne having sex and (B) whatever conversation Brooke and DJ were having, which may or may not have included sex. The point is: they stayed downstairs and we stayed in Brooke's bedroom trying to work things out.

DJ obviously wanted to know what I, the father, wanted to do. I told her for about three minutes that I would support whatever DJ wanted to do before she convinced me that she KNEW that, but that she wanted to know what I wanted to do even if it meant disagreeing with her. I told her the truth: I wanted the baby.

DJ was skeptical. After all, wasn't the male supposed to be relieved if his girlfriend didn't want to keep the baby? Especially a 21-year-old male? Not that I was an ordinary 21-year-old male. Most guys my age still wanted to explore, to be free, and to have experiences they hadn't gotten to have yet. Me? Been there, done that. Done "her", at least a whole bunch of "hers" more than was probably my fair share. I didn't need to sow any more oats. I was ready to settle down.

But was DJ ready? Maybe not. She was scared. Understandable, really. She was nineteen, still in college, and with her whole life ahead of her. She wasn't Catholic and her family was Pro-Choice and at least conceptually she'd never objected to abortion. Of course, she'd never truly thought she might have to abort her OWN child, and the idea that a little life was growing inside her belly was the most compelling argument to keep it. But Keira's description about the horrors of taking care of a baby, coupled with the ski lodge brunette's description about the horrors of pregnancy had shocked DJ into facing the reality of actually carrying a child to term and beyond, and now that she stopped to really think about it, she wasn't so sure she was ready to go through with it.

She wanted to have my child. Really, she did. But she wasn't so sure she wanted to have my child now. The idea of keeping the fetus that was already inside her had been an easy decision in the beginning. It was mine – it was ours – so the decision to keep it was a slam dunk. But it's one thing to make that decision right at the point of taking that pregnancy test, and quite another to make that decision after careful consideration of all the variables. It's one thing to tell yourself everything will be alright while you still have your perfect 19-year-old body, and quite another to truly understand the changes that will happen to it. And it's one thing to believe in the ideals of love and family and getting married to the man you love, and quite another to really process all the sacrifices and consequences that lay ahead.

It's not that DJ had never thought of these things before, she had. But for whatever reasons, those sacrifices and consequences had never truly hit home. Maybe it was because we were flying on so much adrenaline and love in the beginning. Maybe it was because I went and did something rash and proposed. Maybe it was because we'd been caught up in the celebrations and the praise from family members and the holidays and finally our weeklong ski trip.

But now we were back home. Now we were about to return to NorCal.

Now we were returning to the real world.

And all of a sudden, DJ wasn't so sure...

Last night hadn't been the first time she contemplated getting an abortion, but last night had been the first time she really thought it might be the better course of action. She'd brought best friend Brooke into the room to discuss what she was thinking, and their conversation had lasted throughout the entire time Adrienne and I did the dishes, had two rounds of sex, and then took our shower. Even so, she and Brooke hadn't quite come to a consensus about what to do or even whether or not to tell me. But once I knocked on the door DJ's decision on that was made, and she brought me in.

We talked for most of the night, long enough for Adrienne to join us. At one point, when I was trying to reassure DJ that she and I would be able to handle the daily grind of child-rearing despite Brooke's and her worries that we wouldn't, I'd fished out for any support and asked Adrienne to back me up.

"What, you think I'm going to convince her that it's the right decision to have a kid? Me?!?" Adrienne had replied incredulously. But to her credit, Adrienne didn't try to insist that aborting the child was the right decision either. "It all depends on what's right for the both of you."

The problem was: neither of us was entirely sure what that was. In the end, we'd agreed that we wouldn't BE sure tonight, and instead would have to be content that at least we were openly communicating about things. Still, that open communication would begin and end with the four people in the room. If we ultimately decided to keep the baby, then there would be no point in worrying my parents or anyone else right now.

Sleep had come fitfully. DJ cried a lot in my arms. And despite my promise to save one for her, neither of us felt in the mood for making love.

But that was last night. This morning was this morning. Who knew what this day would bring?

"I can stay, you know. Drive up with you guys. Catch a flight to New York some other time."

I glanced over at Adrienne, riding in the passenger seat as we passed Jamboree and I merged to the right for my exit. All the goodbyes had been done. My parents had left for work this morning and the twins had driven off to meet up with their friends at the same time I loaded Adrienne into my car. Brooke and DJ were back at the house to finish packing up, and after this short trip to run Adrienne to the airport, I'd swing back to grab them, load up, and then start the drive for NorCal.

"What? No, of course not," I replied immediately. "You've got your shoot lined up."

"There's always another shoot. I can stay if you need me," she insisted, reaching a hand over to rub my knee.

I took a deep breath, weighing her offer. On the one hand, it would be nice to have someone by my side who was entirely ON my side, no matter what. Adrienne's only stake in this decision was my happiness, and while she herself could completely empathize with DJ's hesitation to have a baby, she knew that I wanted it and would fully support both me and that desire.

On the other hand, this decision was truly between me and DJ. Yeah, our families would have their opinions and potentially-conflicting desires, but the bottom line was that DJ and I would be the actual parents. All the burdens of responsibility began and ended with us. And while I certainly wouldn't object to Adrienne's presence and support, I didn't want to take her away from her life and career.

"No, no," I replied firmly. "I'll be alright. And we still have the phone."

"You HATE phone calls. You can't see who you're talking to and it creates this disconnect you have a hard time getting around."

"Yeah, but I'm used to it. I enjoy it each and every time you call me, and I'll certainly keep you in the loop on this one."

"You'd better. Don't make me worry about you, alright?" Adrienne laughed, knowing that by pretending to make the issue about herself and HER worrying, she was actually strengthening my resolve and confidence. I never rose higher than when I believed I was working for the benefit of those I cared about.

I smiled back at her, understanding what she was doing and pleased about it. But the stoplight at MacArthur was green and I focused on making the long left turn and avoiding the moron silver BMW that had taken the inside left lane and now was frantically trying to cut across three lanes to the right so he could turn into the airport ahead of me.

Once settled, as we all slowed down for the red light at the airport intersection, I glanced over again and asked, "What do you think she's going to decide?"

"I don't know."

"I know you don't know. I asked what you thought."

Adrienne sighed. "I don't really want to speculate. I don't know DJ very well, and it's hard for me to predict her."

"Try? For me?"

The 'for me' was Adrienne's trigger, and although reluctant, she took a deep breath. "If she was anything like me, she'd have run screaming from the idea of carrying the baby the moment she found out she was pregnant. But she didn't run, so we know she's not like me."

"Thank goodness. Now I don't have to worry about her setting me up with someone else as a distraction just so she can dump me for another girl."

Adrienne shot me an unfriendly glare, and then rolled her eyes and looked out the window. The light turned green and I rolled forward to make the right turn. We were almost to the drop-off curb, and perhaps feeling the time pressure, she looked back at me and sighed before saying quickly, "I think the most important thing in the world to DJ is you. She's been in love with you forever, and now that she has you, she's terrified of losing you. I think she's also terrified of having this baby, but since she's more terrified of losing you, she's willing to keep the baby just to make sure she doesn't lose you."

"You think so?"

Adrienne nodded. But before I could respond any further, that damn silver Beemer was cutting me off trying to get over to the Alaska Airlines drop-off area. I had to sharply hit the brakes and then focus on navigating the cars merging out from the parking garage to my right and the shuttle bus also deciding to merge in from my left. Moments later, I pulled alongside an old Cadillac in the drop-off zone and shifted the gear into "Park".

Adrienne's hand was still on my knee. "I can stay with you," she repeated.

"I'll be fine."

"I know you tell yourself that, but if you need me, I'll be there."

I took slow, deep breaths, and then reached down to pat Adrienne's hand on top of mine. "That's a nice offer, but I have to believe I'll be fine without you. Because let's face it: I'm engaged with a baby on the way and I'm very happy with that whole setup. Everything should be fine, and really, the only way I'm going to need you is if my entire life falls apart."

Adrienne gave me a brave smile and nodded. "Then I'll hope for both our sakes that you don't need me."

"Me, too."

Adrienne shot forward then, closing the gap between our two faces and searing her nuclear kiss across my lips before pulling back just as quickly as she'd moved in. "I love you, Tiger. Forever and always."

I smiled and nodded back. "I know."

DJ was in the family room with Brooke, the TV on but neither of them watching it. From the serious looks on their faces it was clear that the topic of conversation had been the same as last night's, and it was also clear that DJ was no closer to a decision that she had been then.

I didn't know whether or not the girls had finished packing. Most likely, they'd been busy still discussing the pros and cons of our big decision. I didn't know whether or not I could cut through all our hand-wringing and second-guessing in one fell swoop, but Adrienne's last speculation about what really terrified DJ had been on my mind for the entire drive home, and I wanted to know if she was right.

I didn't say "hello" or otherwise greet the girls. I didn't ask inane questions or casually approach them. Instead, once they noticed my approach I simply came to a stop five feet away from the couch and gave my fiancée a steady look. And I asked her, "Do you believe that I'll love you no matter what?"

DJ heard the weight in my words and took a moment before responding. She understood that I didn't want a knee-jerk 'of course' response. And in a hesitant, wavering voice, she replied, "I want to believe."

"Do you worry that I'll break up with you if you have an abortion?"

Again, DJ took a moment to consider her response before replying. "Yes..." she said even more quietly. "Yes, I worry."

I took a deep breath, gathering myself before stating clearly and sincerely, "DJ, I didn't ask you to marry me JUST because you became pregnant. Yes, that played a part in my decision, but we've been over this time and again in these last few weeks. I want to marry YOU. I'm in love with YOU. And yeah, I really want to have this baby. Yes, I really like the idea of raising a family with you. But you have to understand that my love and my desire for family do NOT have a time limit. I will love you whether or not we have a baby right now. I will love you whether or not we raise a family together right now. What's important is that we DO, eventually. 'Now' would be nice, but I understand if you're not ready. If you DID have an abortion, I would mourn the loss of what could have been, and we will carry that with us forever. But that would be but a small blip in our lifetime together. I'm happy with you as you are, pregnant or not."

DJ's lower lip was quivering, and there was fear in her eyes. But she was listening to what I had to say, and I plowed straight on.

"I chose YOU, chose to be with you before you got pregnant. We both knew that given our family history and given the difficulties we would face with Dawn and with Brooke and how our relationship would impact those friendships that you and I could NOT be together unless it was going to be for REAL. You were always ready for that, always knew that once you had me you were never going to let me go. -I- was the one that needed more time to get over my past, but I did. You are not a rebound. You are the relationship I chose, and I did so knowing it would have to be forever."

DJ took a big gulp, the worry still on her face but the fear started to melt away.

"I'm going to marry you, whether you're pregnant or not. I'm going to grow old with you, which means that we have plenty of time to have our family. I won't lie: I would LOVE to start right now. I have dreams and fantasies of just how indescribably adorable our children will be, how much we'll love them, and how much they'll love us. I want a family with you, and I want it so bad I want it to start right now. I feel like we've already started on this road, and that we can overcome any difficulties in our way. But..." I took a deep breath. "But ... I'll understand if you're not ready just yet."

DJ bit her lip nervously.

"You're not at the same place I am, age and experience and career-wise. You're not about to graduate, and you don't have a good job lined up, and there's a lot about your world that is still unsettled. I get that, and I can't be selfish and not consider how difficult this will all be for you. -I- won't have to carry this child for the next eight months and -I- won't have my belly swell up and throw all my hormones out of whack and -I- will never have to face the act of squishing this ... this... thing out of my hoo-ha."

Brooke stifled a chuckle, and DJ blushed.

"The point is: I WILL love you no matter what. The next time I ask you that question, I don't want there to be any hesitation. I don't even want you to merely believe it's true. I want you to KNOW it's true. I want you to FEEL it in your pores with every breath you take that I LOVE YOU. For better or for worse. Through sickness and in health. Until death do us part."

Now DJ started crying, and she got up off the couch to throw her arms around my torso and clutch me as tightly as she'd ever done. Sobbing against my neck, she held me as tightly as her muscles would allow, and it was a good thing I was in as good shape as I was, otherwise my ribcage might have buckled beneath her grip.

I had to work hard to keep my lungs pumping, but I did and endured her hug while rubbing her back and repeating over and over again into her ear, "I love you, DJ. I love you. I love you."

I repeated it more and more, never wavering, never slowing, until eventually her grip eased up, and her sobs subsided. At last, she pulled back just a few inches, enough to look me in the eyes. And after mouthing the words, 'I love you, too', she moved in and kissed me, pouring every ounce of her soul into our lips.

And when she pulled back, she sniffed and said, "I want this baby for you."

Despite sleeping in my arms, DJ understandably didn't get much rest last night. Her nightmares had woken her repeatedly, and between the lack of sleep and the recent bout of crying, her eyes were red with dark bags beneath them. She voluntarily gave up the shotgun seat for the ride home, preferring to curl up in the back seat and close her eyes. We hadn't even gotten out of the Orange Crush before she was unconscious and even snoring just a little bit in the back. That left Brooke and I both time and opportunity to talk, and we did.

"So how are you doing in all this?" I asked, after one of the random snores from the back seat told us we had privacy right around the time we drove past Disneyland. "I mean, everyone's been so concerned with how DJ and I are handling this and about us making this decision whether or not to keep the baby. But how are you?"

"I'm fine, really."

"That's it? Fine?"

"Sure. What do you want from me?"

"Well ... Ten minutes before DJ showed you the pregnancy test you weren't sure whether or not you would return to the house. You were feeling left out, like a third wheel, and at one point you insisted that you wouldn't be coming back to the house unless DJ broke up with me. But she didn't break up with me, and now we're at the exact opposite of breaking up: engaged and pregnant. So ... how are you?"

Brooke gave me a rueful smile and stared forward out the windshield, freeing me to do so as well. We were in the carpool lane and cruising along in very light traffic, given the late morning hour and the date this close to the holidays, but it was still a good idea for me to keep my eyes on the road.

"I'm good. I'm happy with the way things have turned out."

"Happy?"

"Yeah. It wasn't quite the way I expected it, but I got my best friend back. Sure, DJ's spending her nights with you and all, but she's really confided in me and leaned on me for support these last couple of weeks. She's shown that even with everything that's going on between you two – or perhaps because of what's going on – that she'll still have a place for me in her life."

"That's what -I- tried to tell you."

"I know, I know. I suppose I got jealous of you, and you have to admit that you two were all over each other and keeping me out in the cold quite a bit when you first got together. But I think I realize now that it was just a phase, your honeymoon period, and that once it passed that I'd get her back."

"You will, even after we're married. But if it's time with her you're worried about, I think you'll soon have to get used to being jealous of our kid. He or she is REALLY going to suck up all of DJ's attention."

"Well, yes and no. We talked a lot about that last night and today, about losing the ability to hang out with her friends and having to devote so much effort and energy into taking care of the baby. But I told her I didn't think it would be such a burden. For one thing, the kid will be at her parents' place all week, right? So when she's at school, she'll only be with us."

"The key is 'when she's in school'. At the very least she'll be taking the first semester off, and you won't be able to see much of us then unless you're driving all the way down to visit. And even once she returns to school, she'll be commuting back and forth and won't have nearly as much free time to 'hang out'."

"Yeah, but I can be okay with that. We'll value what time we DO have together that much more."

"I suppose."

"Besides, I know that having her parents' support as caretakers is a BIG thing in convincing her she can handle being a mother. She won't be one of those mothers with no help, left to her own devices to try and handle the work/life balance. Her parents have already said they'll be willing to take shifts in the middle of the night or even take the baby entirely so that she can get a full night's sleep. All the horror stories about raising an infant revolve around lack of sleep and opportunity to get away, but you two will easily be able to go see a movie or spend some quality time together if you need to."

"Yeah ... It's a nice luxury to have."

"So long as you're okay with living under the roof of your in-laws."

"Huh ... I suppose I never really thought about that."

"Not like being Mr. Big Shot at the Berkeley House: do what you want, screw whomever you want, stay up all night. It'll be your Mother-In-Law's house, and HER rules. Might even put a dampener on your sex life."

"Pssht. Deanna knows DJ and I will fuck up a storm."

"Maybe, but I don't know if anyone else will go to that house to join you. No more threesomes with Paige or Sasha or anybody else."

"What about you?"

Brooke giggled and reached over to pat my bulge. "Don't you worry about me."

I grinned, putting my hand on top of hers and grinding it down tighter on my package. "Then I'll have everything I need. No worries."

"That's what I told her. It hasn't been easy convincing her to go ahead and have this kid."

"So you're on MY side? You want us to have this baby?"

"I'm on DJ's side, always. I'll support whatever SHE wants to do. But yeah, I was arguing in favor of baby. Is that really such a surprise?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. If there's no baby, then there's nothing taking her away from you. Again, I'm still not entirely convinced you even want her marrying me, let alone having a family with me."

"I want her HAPPY. That's what's most important. Okay, so maybe I got selfish for a little bit. But with everything else going on, my petty squabbles just seem that: petty, and I do now remember how much I value her happiness. DJ loves you. You're her dream guy, and now she's got you. Having children with you is just icing on the cake. I always knew she'd have kids, and I looked forward to being Auntie Brooke. Now I literally will be 'Aunt' Brooke."

"You all will be Aunts. Brandi and Adrienne and Eden and Emma ... and from her side Dayna and ... well ... Dawn. Who'd have ever thought MY kids would have both an Aunt Adrienne and Aunt Dawn, huh?"

Brooke giggled. "Yeah ... I think most of us thought it would either be Mother Adrienne or Mother Dawn."

I sighed, my attention now on an Evans daughter, and not the one asleep in the back seat. I wondered what Dawn was doing right now. I wondered if she was in our clearing, thinking about me. And I wondered if SHE was thinking about those cute little kids that would have called her 'Mom' and me 'Dad'.

Brooke's voice brought me back within the confines of the car. "Thing is: DJ and I did talk about abortion back when we first got on birth control and recognized the possibility that one or both of us might end up pregnant before we necessarily wanted it. Both of us agreed that we were Pro-Choice, that we respected a woman's right to choose, but we also both agreed that we didn't think we'd ever be able to terminate a pregnancy ourselves. To our minds, a viable fetus is a baby waiting to happen, and barring any extreme circumstances like rape or severe disability, we couldn't imagine choosing to not let that baby come out. Someone else making that decision for themselves? Sure. But DJ or me? No. And especially not since that baby is yours."

"What would YOU have done if I'D somehow knocked you up?"

Brooke gave me a serious look, a startling intensity in her eyes. "I'd keep it, of course. Not a moment's hesitation."

"Really?"

"It would be your baby, Ben ... and mine. How else could we possibly be any closer?"

"Brooke, there are SO many reasons not--"

"Not to," she interrupted. "Of course, starting with the fact that I'd never be able to claim you as the father. But I'd make it work, if I had to. And who knows? Maybe someday ... when I marry Kenta ... I'll go off my birth control ... And then what happens, happens..."

I parallel parked outside a familiar house, unbuckled my seatbelt, and then leaned across the center console to kiss my fiancée awake. She'd traded places with Brooke when we stopped for lunch, but ended up reclining the seat all the way back and falling asleep again while Brooke dozed behind me.

DJ's eyes fluttered and she smiled before returning my kiss. And then still groggy, she sat up and glanced out the window. "Oh, we're here already."

"'Already' to you two. Me? I'm all stiff from doing all the driving."

DJ put her hand behind my head and pulled me toward her for a kiss. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

I pecked her and then shook my head. "You're going to be my wife. That means you'll never have to 'make it up to me' ever again. Everything I do for you will be because I love you, not because I expect anything in return."

DJ grinned. "Still ... I'll make it up to you."

DJ roused Brooke, doing the lip-locking honors this time and causing my little sister to giggle and push her best friend in the chest. By then, I was already pulling suitcases out of the trunk, and a minute later all three of us were cruising up the sidewalk.

DJ didn't bother with the doorbell, fitting her key into the front door's lock and then letting us in. Immediately the savory smells of dinner wafted over to us from the kitchen, grabbing the attention of all three of us just as Deanna poked her head out and exclaimed, "Hey! You're here early!"

Deanna Evans meant that we'd arrived well before dinnertime; DJ had already told her a week ago that we'd planned to drive up today. She hugged her daughter first, then stepped back and placed a hand on DJ's belly. "You're not showing already, are you?"

"Mom, are you calling me fat?"

"Well, we HAVE been pigging out on holiday food these last couple of weeks," I commented.

"Too many chili cheese fries," Brooke chimed in.

Deanna simply hooked an arm around DJ's neck, and then reached out with her left arm and did the same to me. Once she had both of us in her grip, she grinned and walked us forward so that Brooke was in on the four-way group hug.