Chapter 10: Going Home

-- SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2005, WINTER BREAK --

Feeling like I'd just gotten whiplash, I stood stock-still with my arms still wrapped around my girlfriend ... no, make that fiancée. Having barely managed to croak out a simple "hi", I could do nothing more than stare at my lifelong best friend and the two strangers immediately behind her.

Apparently, the doorbell had rung more than once, and leaving me and DJ to our liplock Jack Evans eventually went to see who was at the door. He had been just as surprised as anyone, but managed to hug his daughter and lead everyone in from the cold. But nothing else had been said. Despite what had just taken place, Dawn didn't know.

Yet...

"Hi, Ben. It's been a while..." she began, eyeing her sister and darting a glance down to DJ's belly before returning that piercing blue gaze to me. In this moment, Dawn could give Professor Isakova lessons in icy stares.

"Hey, uh ... You, too," I managed to reply as I turned to face her, still with my left arm wrapped around DJ's waist. My eyes flicked up to her dark brown locks, and I arched an eyebrow while miming to my own head. "Uh ... new look for you?"

Blushing briefly, Dawn glanced to her left shoulder and took a few strands of brown hair in her hands. "Yeah. Felt like I needed a change. But that's not the point. I came here because I need to talk to you."

"Uh, okay."

Dawn's eyes clicked over to DJ and then back to mine. "In private."

I felt the involuntary mental tug to go with her, but given what had just happened, I resisted the pull and kept my arm around DJ. "We'll talk. Really. But not right now, okay?" I looked back down at my fiancée and gave her a squeeze.

Still with tears in her eyes, DJ wiped them with the back of her hand and then pressed herself into my chest, as if I could protect her from her older sister's icy glare.

"Not later. Now Ben, please?" Dawn sighed. "We just drove all the way down here and I really need to get things off my chest."

"Dawn, please give them a moment," Deanna said gently, reaching up to touch her daughter's shoulder. She, Dayna, and Brandi had all gotten up from the dining table and circled around while DJ and I were kissing. Only Brooke was still seated, two feet away and turned sideways while she watched us.

Dawn shrugged off her mother's touch, saying, "I'm serious ... Ben and I need to talk."

"Can you please give them a moment? They just got engaged," Deanna explained. The sudden gasp of shock didn't come from Dawn, but instead from the busty blonde girl who had come in with her.

Dawn glanced back at her companion, but then immediately back to us. She was breathing hard, and a wary look was in her eyes. Her lower lip quivering, she asked with a stutter, "En ... Engaged?"

"Just now," Deanna explained. "Literally just now. DJ said 'yes'."

Dawn was crestfallen. Her eyes immediately moistened, and she averted her gaze to stare helplessly at the wall while she raised a hand and began scratching her scalp. She gulped, fending off the urge to sob before biting her lower lip. And then after a glance at me and DJ, she turned around like she couldn't face us anymore before taking three steps back toward the front door.

I held DJ tightly to my side, unmoving. Having Dawn show up here like this ... at this exact moment ... was the LAST thing I would have expected. A minute ago, I was on top of the world and celebrating my engagement. The next... this ... Whatever 'this' was...

"It's okay," DJ finally offered, taking a deep breath. "It's okay. This is a time of celebration. I'm happy to have my whole family here for this. It wouldn't have been right to do this without both my sisters being present, but now you're both here, and I'm glad for that."

With that, DJ detached herself from my side and walked over to where Dawn still had her back to us. Sliding her hand up her older sister's shoulder, she gently tugged to turn Dawn back around. And for a little bit, Dawn allowed herself to be turned and enfolded in DJ's hug.

Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

Squeezing her big sister, DJ whispered, "I'm glad you're here. I'll always be glad for my big sister. I know this might be a little awkward, but I really hope you can be happy for us."

Dawn stiffened in DJ's arms. Taking a step back, she both pulled away from DJ's grasp and pushed her hands out to forcibly separate the two of them. "Happy?" she half-snarled. "You want me to be happy?"

Oh, nevermind. This is NOT going to be good.

"Happy that my kid sister STOLE my soulmate from me? Happy that my own FAMILY is the one trying to RUIN my life? HAPPY?!?" With her dark hair, red-rimmed eyes, and twisted expression, Dawn seemed less like DJ's sister and more like her diametric opposite.

"Dawn, please," DJ requested quietly, both hands held up defensively.

"Marie..." the guy behind her cautioned before catching himself, wrinkling his face, and then correcting, "Dawn. Calm down."

Dawn jerked her head around and glared hatefully at her male companion. "What, you're on HER side?"

"This isn't about sides," the blonde girl replied, stepping forward and holding Dawn's shoulders. "C'mon. Let's sit down and talk about this. Okay? You came here for a reason, and that reason hasn't changed. Chill out, alright? Let's talk about this."

"Pardon our manners," Jack Evans said suddenly, stepping over and extending a hand to the male stranger. "I'm Jack. This is my wife, Deanna. I take it you're friends of Dawn's?"

The guy shook Jack's hand and replied, "I'm Nick. This is Deedee. We're ranch hands at Morris Camp with M-- ... with Dawn."

"Pleased to meet you," Deedee offered up with a nervous wave.

DJ took a deep breath, looked at me, and raised her eyebrows. She didn't need to verbalize what she was thinking; I was already on the same wavelength.

Reaching out and taking DJ's hand in mine, I drew us together and then gave Dawn a serious look. "It's okay. We can talk," I told her before glancing back down at my fiancée. "But it'll have to be the three of us."

Shaking her head in disgust, Dawn nevertheless stepped away from Deedee and flung her hand dismissively. "Whatever. Let's go."

My fiancée, ex-girlfriend, and I reassembled in DJ's bedroom. Hand-in-hand, DJ and I sat on the edge of the bed while Dawn took the desk chair. And then for a long few moments, the three of us simply stared at each other.

The tension in the air was so thick that it seemed to clog our mouths, for nobody spoke for about a full minute.

One second...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

Eight...

Nine...

Ten...

Sixty of those is a LONG time to be spent staring at each other in silence. And in the end, I was the one to shake my head, lean forward, and say, "Okay, this is ridiculous. Dawn, what the hell is going on? I'm not saying you shouldn't be shocked. And I'm not saying you should be happy for us. But what the hell did you drive all the way down here for?"

Jaw clenched, Dawn ground her teeth together and stared at the floor for another ten seconds before taking a deep breath and then flicking her eyes up to me. "I came to get you back," she muttered dispiritedly.

DJ's jaw dropped, and I was surprised enough to sit up straighter. "Get me back?" I asked in confusion.

Still grinding her teeth, Dawn swallowed heavily before brushing some of her dark bangs back behind an ear and sitting up straight as well. "We had a plan, didn't we? I was going to Morris Camp to fix myself, to get away from my old life and rediscover myself. To rediscover who -I- was when I was still YOUR Dawn. I could have gone anywhere in the world to make a fresh start, but I didn't want that. I wanted to be HER again, the Dawn you fell in love with. I wanted to be the innocent girl who wanted nothing more in this life than to be with you, the way we always were in that clearing by the creek. And I did that. I remember. And now I'm back here. For you."

My jaw was hanging open, and I gestured to DJ. "I just got engaged."

Dawn looked at me blankly, as if she didn't understand. "Yeah ... what's with that?"

"Do NOT play ignorant with me. You know what's going on with our situation."

"Okay ... yeah ... So you knocked her up. I get it. You two have been boinking non-stop since the moment I walked out the door; put enough sperm into a girl and it was bound to happen eventually. But getting married? What the hell? The last time we talked, I thought you were still waiting for me!"

"That was a long time ago."

"That was like two MONTHS ago!"

"And DJ and I got together as a couple since then. And yes, I was waiting for you to get better," I stated firmly. "I missed you in my life. I missed my best friend. I missed the relationship we used to have. But YOU broke up with ME and YOU left for your sabbatical at Morris Camp. YOU moved on from our relationship. So have I."

"But I'm back now."

"And it will be great to have you close again. But you and I aren't getting back together, or did you forget that your sister is carrying my baby?"

"So? That doesn't mean we can't be together!"

I furrowed my eyebrows and thought about that for an extra half-second. "Yes it does!" I blurted.

"Everybody makes mistakes. -I- made some serious mistakes. But I've atoned for them, made peace with myself. I still need to make it up to you, but I can do that now. As for you proposing to DJ ... well ... I can understand that. And I forgive you for that. But I'm here now. You and I can be together. DJ can be your baby mama, and I'll even be okay with you boning her on the side. And I can be the wife you always wanted me to be, the way we were always meant to be."

My eyebrows were raised and my eyes were wide open. I couldn't believe the things coming out of Dawn's mouth. "Are you crazy?!? Or maybe you're still in shock. You don't get it, do you? We're NOT getting back together now! I'm going to marry DJ!"

"But we had a plan," Dawn pleaded.

"What plan? For you to abandon me and take a year off from school instead of sticking around town to let us heal together? THAT plan?"

"I told you I couldn't bear to be around you, to see every single day how much I'd hurt you. I had to get away. I had to take a step back from my life and figure myself out again. Do you have any idea how HARD it's been to do that?"

"Do you have any idea how HARD it is to see your soulmate throw your relationship away and fucking CHEAT on you?!? Huh? Ever think how hard THAT might be?!?"

"Of course! I KNOW what I did to you! I do! But I want to make things better, don't you see? I couldn't focus on making it up to you while I was still messed up in the head. But I'm better now. NOW I can make it up to you if you just give me the chance!"

"You must still be messed up in the head if you think we can just go back to the way things were. You moved on. You took off to camp and left me here by myself! I've been fixing myself. I've been healing myself. You weren't here for me. DJ was!"

Looking nervous, DJ simply gave her sister a nervous smile as I suddenly gripped her against my side.

"Ben, please. I love you. I love you to pieces. You're MY Ben. The Ben I grew up with. The Ben I fell in love with before I knew what love meant. I came to have you. I came to have my second chance. Don't I deserve a second chance?"

"The time for second chances is over. DJ's pregnant. We're engaged. End of story."

Squeezing her eyes shut, Dawn bowed her head and went silent. She took deep, heaving breaths, wringing her hands together and contorting her mouth into some twisted grimace that coupled with her unexpectedly dark hair to form her into some ... creature ... utterly unrecognizable to me. This wasn't my soulmate. This wasn't my best friend come back to me. This ... this was someone else.

"This was a bad idea," the creature opened her eyes and muttered, more to herself than to me and DJ. "I told them this was a bad idea, but they insisted I had to at least try."

DJ and I frowned at each other, watching as the creature squeezed her eyes shut and started grimacing again. Cautiously, I leaned forward and asked, "Who's 'they'?"

Exhaling loudly, the creature sat back with a thump against the chair's backrest, opening her eyes and sighing mournfully. Suddenly, I could see my old Dawn once again, see the pain etched onto her face accompanied by redness in her eyes and the sad slackness of her posture. The hair still felt unfamiliar, but I was getting used to it; the dark color seemed to fit the woman who had returned. "Nick and Deedee," she replied tiredly. "They're the ones downstairs."

"Friends?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

I arched an eyebrow. "Lovers?"

Dawn's head picked up, and she wiped a ball of snot from her nose before leveling me with an intense look. "No, actually. I've been saving myself for you all this time."

I blinked, not sure how to react to that. Given the vehemence in her voice when I'd expressed surprise to find that she wasn't slutting her way across the country all summer, I suppose I should have expected Dawn to save herself like this. But too many of my painful memories surrounding our break-up included Dawn's remarks about wanting to have wild, unclean experiences, and they had colored my perception of her.

Sighing, Dawn added. "They're the couple, actually. In all fair disclosure, I did think about joining them last night, but once we got to talking about you and DJ being pregnant and everything, sex was the last thing on anybody's mind."

All DJ or I could do with that was glance at each other and shrug.

DJ was the first to regain the original train of thought. "You said they insisted you at least try to come here and win Ben back?"

"Well ... not exactly," Dawn said with a wince. "They insisted that I come here and tell you how I really felt. They said that after everything I'd been through up at camp, all the changes I made to myself and all the pondering and meditating and arguing and schizophrenic babbling and..."

She went quiet, staring off a thousand yards, and DJ and I exchanged a glance again.

Dawn pursed her lips together and then re-focused on me. "I had to at least TELL you that I love you. That I really, really love you. More than anything in this world. I had to tell you that I love you so much that I would rather die than live my life without you. But at the same time, I know it would only hurt you if I actually killed myself, and I can't even do that since in the end I do want you to be happy."

My eyes darted behind Dawn to DJ's desk, and I mentally analyzed what sharp objects would be contained within. I didn't think she'd really try and kill herself right here and now, but Dawn was wild-eyed enough for me to at least consider how I'd need to defend her from herself.

"I couldn't go through all that for nothing," Dawn rambled on, oblivious at this point to whether or not we were listening. "I couldn't come to those realizations and NOT tell you, even though..."

She trailed off again, closed her eyes, and started crying. DJ looked at me before reaching out and touching her sister's leg.

"Even though you're pregnant," Dawn finished, raising her head to look her sister in the eyes.

For a long while, the two girls stared at each other, Dawn continuing to cry and DJ looking ... I'm not really sure how to describe DJ's expression. She seemed to both pity and fear her sister, seemed to have both concern and apology on her face. I couldn't tell whether DJ felt bad for stealing me away from Dawn, or if she was worried Dawn would steal me back.

Now that I thought about it, probably both.

"I still want him back," Dawn stated quietly but firmly.

"He chose me," DJ replied evenly.

"Only because you're pregnant. Without that baby, he'd still be mine."

"Not true. We got together as a couple first."

"As a placeholder. To keep his bed warm until I got back."

"Bullshit. He moved on from you."

"Really? Really?" Dawn sneered. "Keep telling yourself that, huh? You've always been telling yourself that. My little sister ... waiting in the wings. Ready at a moment's notice to scoop up my leftovers, huh?"

"If he's just leftovers, then what the hell are you doing back here trying to get him back, huh?"

"You've always had a crush on him. Always wanted what -I- had. Couldn't make the grades, could you? All your teachers for all those years saying, 'Why can't you be more like Dawn?'"

"Stop it!" DJ snapped, jerking her hand off Dawn's leg. Her left hand had always been in mine, and she now squeezed it firmly. "He's mine. You can't have him back."

"Like hell I can't."

"Dawn, I'm not going back to you," I said quietly, and now both girls were looking straight at me. "This isn't about the pregnancy anymore. Yeah, it changes things. But I made a conscious choice here. I choose HER. I choose DJ. I can't be with you anymore."

"Why NOT?"

"Because I'm in love with HER."

"In love? Really? How could you ever be in love with her? Did SHE spend all of her life by your side? Can SHE read your moods and realize what you need before even you do? SHE hasn't spent twenty-one YEARS with you, now has she?"

"We're starting now."

"Come ON. Be serious! What does she really have that I don't? Bigger boobs? Is that it? You stupid, perverted, tit-obsessed ... BOY!"

I rolled my eyes. "Insulting me isn't going to make me come back to you."

Dawn wiped a hand down her face from forehead to chin, then pivoted her fingers and began scratching her cheek like a nervous tic. "You're supposed to be MINE. It's our DESTINY. How the fuck am I supposed to find Happily Ever After without YOU?!?"

"You'll find the one," I replied with a sigh. "Your Mr. Right. I'm not even your type, anyway. Ryan? Jaron? Really, you'll be happier when you find your 6'3" muscled Adonis."

"I don't WANT a Ryan or Jaron. I want you!"

"You HAD me," I stated coldly. "I asked your parents for permission to MARRY you. You HAD your chance, and you blew it."

"I DID. I know that. And I'm sorry. But I'm coming back to make things better."

"It's too late. I've moved on."

"No..." Dawn shook her head firmly. "No ... I won't accept that."

"You're going to have to." I held up my hand, still entwined with DJ's fingers. "This is the reality we're in now. Look, I realize that this isn't an ideal situation. I realize that this must really sting. That wasn't our intention. Neither DJ nor I ever set out to fall in love intending to hurt you. We didn't do it just to spite you or anything like that. It just happened."

"I can't help myself," DJ added. "I love him. I've always loved him. You know that."

"But you can't HAVE him. He's MINE!" Dawn barked.

"Not anymore," I replied, shaking my head. "I've moved on. So should you. Please ... Can't you be happy for us?"

"Happy? How can I ever be happy ... without YOU?"

"Dawn..."

"I mean it! You were my everything. You were my heart and soul. You were my best friend and my soulmate and the ONE person on this planet who could ever really GET me. Don't you see? There IS no happiness for me without you."

"I know it hurts right now," I said, trying to be warm and nurturing. It was my turn to reach out and pat Dawn's knee. "I know you feel like it's a hopeless situation, trying to find your way in the world, to find your future, without me as your romantic partner. But that's the way it has to be. I'm marrying DJ. She's carrying my baby. This is really happening."

"No!" Dawn let out an anguished choke, startling me enough to back away, and she started crying once again. This time, neither DJ nor I reached out to touch her. "NO!"

Eyes squeezed shut, Dawn began shuddering as she hunched over and let out great wracking sobs. "No ... no ... no..." she whimpered over and again. And this time the tears flowed freely without any attempts to stem the flow.

Her own chest heaving, DJ flung herself against me, and I turned so she could press her cheek against my chest while I wrapped her head up in both of my arms. Together, we rocked slowly while watching her big sister fall to pieces. But neither of us could help her at a moment like this.

It was truly tragic, watching as Dawn's bluster and bravado fell away from her. I knew her, knew the effort she always put into presenting the most confident, collected façade she could, even when she felt anything BUT confident inside.

In the beginning, Dawn's defense mechanism had her playing off DJ's pregnancy and engagement like they were no big deal. She didn't know how to handle the shock, so she'd come waltzing in all casually as if she expected to pick me back up like I was a dry cleaning order just waiting for her return. She might have even believed there was some tiny chance that I'd simply reply "Okay" and then rush back into her arms.

When that didn't work, she acted like we were operating under a mutually-agreed upon plan for her absence: she would go off, fix herself, return, and we'd pick up from where we'd left off. For me to not follow "the plan" made ME the bad guy, and perhaps she thought I might feel guilty and therefore try to make amends with her, thus giving her an avenue to win back my heart.

And then the real Dawn had started to come out. The weariness after the mental ordeal she'd been through these past few months coming to terms with the damage she'd done to our prior relationship and the messed up excuse for a human being she'd become. Her disbelief that I'd actually chosen DJ over her was all real. I don't think Dawn ever seriously considered that her little sister could ever steal me away. Someone else, perhaps. Maybe a new romantic entanglement, the way Amber could have been; or a fond friend with the potential to become something more, like Paige. But DJ? Not DJ. Never.

Dawn had been shocked into silence when I told her DJ was pregnant two nights ago. Like she said, what did DJ have on her besides a bigger bust line? DJ hadn't shared our childhood. DJ hadn't been my partner in life and love for all these years. Who was DJ except a second-rate copy of Dawn herself?

Or so Dawn probably thought. What Dawn didn't realize was that I wasn't settling for a copy of Dawn. I was attaining the very best woman I could have.

DJ was devoted.

DJ was loyal.

DJ loved me more than anything in the world.

And yeah, DJ had a fan-fucking-tastically fuckable body.

But more importantly, DJ didn't come with all of Dawn's baggage. DJ had never suffered an identity crisis over her own perfection. DJ had never asked me to help her experience drugs and other men. DJ knew who she was, knew her own academic and social limits. And DJ had already experienced life and sex with other people, and now came to me with nothing but complete and utter fidelity.

She was all of the good and none of the bad. And yeah, circumstances had created a situation where DJ was carrying my baby. Marrying her was a no-brainer.

I knew what I wanted in life, and it wasn't Dawn anymore. There was really nothing Dawn could say to make me change my mind. I had choosen DJ. My path was set.

"Please, Ben. I need you," Dawn begged.

I sighed and took a deep breath. Even the dreaded N-word wasn't going to sway me. "I'm sorry. I've moved on."

"Pleeease. Can't you take me back?" Her voice cracked, and her mouth was carved into the same frown as the "sad" Greek theatre mask. "PLEASE?"

"Dawn ... I'm sorry. I'm marrying DJ."

Dawn's eyes shifted to my right, zeroing in on her baby sister. "How could you do this to me?" she half-whispered. "How could you take him from me?"

Averting her eyes, DJ shifted uncomfortably. I squeezed my fiancée's hand reassuringly, willing her to remain steadfast with me.

"Think of what this does to our family. Think about how I won't be able to face either of you for the rest of our lives. Can you really divide us like this?"

DJ's eyes narrowed as she glared back at her sister. "Then think about how I'll never forgive you if you try and mess this up for me. He is my dream guy. He's the one I've always wanted. And now I have him!"

"He's MY dream guy! And you're STEALING him from me!"

DJ pursed her lips and looked away.

"He's my other half..." Dawn said more quietly. "He's my counterpart, the Yang to my Yin. Think about it ... How would you feel if I took Brooke away from you?"

Dawn's question brought DJ up short. She inhaled sharply and glanced at her sister. There was no way Dawn could've known how Brooke had left the house during Finals Week, but she still struck a nerve in a place from which DJ was still recovering.

Or maybe there was even more to it. More than any other argument, the idea of her sister severing a bond DJ had shared with her lifelong best friend seemed to resonate, and ever so slightly I felt DJ sliding herself away from me.

But I wasn't going to lose her. I held fast to DJ's hand and gave Dawn a serious look. "I will always care about you. I will always wish for your happiness. And I still want to be your friend. How could I NOT want to be your friend? WE don't have to be estranged, unless you make us. Brooke and DJ can remain best friends even when she marries me. And you and I can still be close even if I marry her. This doesn't have to divide your family unless you make it."

Shuddering, Dawn slipped off the chair and knelt on the floor at my feet. Her face contorted into that Greek mask again as she sobbed and grabbed my ankles. "How could I possibly be your friend when I still love you? How can we NOT be estranged when I want to be with you, to be together with you the way we were always meant to be, only to have you marry my sister? HOW? Please ... I'm begging you. Don't do this. Put the engagement on hold and give me a chance. I fucked up. I royally messed up our perfect relationship, and I compounded it by running away to camp. I know that now! I do! I realize what I didn't realize before! I'm SORRY, Ben. I'm so sorry! I hurt you ... I hurt US ... And if I could go back in time and take it all back I WOULD!"

For a moment, Dawn was so overcome by her crying that she couldn't speak. She pitched forward, her face pressing against my knee as she cried and cried, her tears staining my jeans. She clutched my leg like it was the difference between life and drowning, and it felt like two more minutes passed before she could say another word.

"You complete me, Ben. MY Ben. PLEASE! Don't you understand how much I need you? Don't you understand how much I've always needed you? Please just give me this chance. Doesn't everyone... everyone ... deserve a second chance? How can you be so cruel? And to me? Don't you care about me anymore? I won't ask you to break up with DJ. You can have us both, maybe. Give all three of us time to figure things out. Maybe we can share you. Wouldn't that be nice all around? I'm leaving Morris Camp. I'll send Nick and Deedee back up there without me, and I'll stay here with you for as long as it takes to fix us. Okay? Or if you need to go down to SoCal for your family, I'll go with you there, okay? Please. Isn't that reasonable? Just give me the chance to remain by your side and work this out, okay?"

I reached down and held Dawn's cheek. She went quiet and looked up at me, her eyes bloodshot and dark bags already forming underneath them. The bags were too dark and too developed to be from this night's conversation, and I gathered that she'd been doing a LOT of crying in the last couple of nights. Feeling pity, I caressed her cheek and said gently, "Whether to stay or go back to Morris Camp is entirely up to you, of course. I would welcome the chance to spend more time with you, to help you heal, and to be your friend."

DJ inhaled sharply at my words, and squeezed my hand rather fearfully.

I patted my fiancée's hand and gave her a reassuring look before adding to Dawn, "But it won't change my decision. I'm marrying your sister. You and I can build our friendship back the way it was, and I would love nothing more than to heal the bond between us. But it will be a bond of friendship, not romantic love. I do want you to be happy, but you HAVE to accept that DJ's going to be my wife."

Dawn stared up at me, her eyes searching mine. Maybe she was looking for uncertainty, a wavering in my resolve that would tell her she still had a chance. But there was no wavering; I was dead sure about this course of action. And in the end, Dawn got up off the floor and ran outside, sobbing all the while.