Forty

THE BELL RANG at the studio. I’d finished painting over an hour ago and was staring at it while I tried to compose the story that revealed the picture. Kate was at the door.

“I asked if I could come and collect you for dinner,” she said simply. “May I come in?”

“Don’t you have a key?” I asked.

“It’s not my studio anymore.”

“It will be. When you are ready.”

“Melody said when you disappear like this it means you are in your zone and something wonderful would come. May I see it?”

“I don’t know how wonderful it is, but it’s the first thing I’ve painted in two-and-a-half months. Since I got your note.”

“I’m sorry, Tony...”

“No. Don’t go there. Look.”

Kate stared at the painting. She looked at it from different angles—from near and far. She walked around it like an art critic. I turned my back so I didn’t have to watch her looking into what I felt. My shame.

“You understand,” she whispered. I felt her hand on my shoulder and turned to face her tear-streaked face. I sank to my knees.

“I’m sorry, Kate. I’m so sorry. I hope one day you will forgive me.”

“You need to hear the rest of the story,” she said. She pulled me up and led me to the chair and sat in my lap. “I was struggling. Doc was pushing me in new directions. The shows were a disappointment and I hated everything I’d done. That spilled over on you and Melody and Lissa and even Wendy. I felt like I could do a better job alone than with all the so-called help I was getting. I became angry.”

It sounded so much like what I’d been feeling.

“When I saw the painting you did, I was so shocked that it knocked me over the edge. Neil’s commentary about how great it was, thinking I’d painted it, just snapped my whole world view. For a month and a half, I just wandered. I had money. Everything I owned was in my car except my art and I’d turned my back on that. I drove from place to place. I’d find something to draw. I couldn’t paint when I was living in my car, but I could draw. Instead of getting bigger, my vision kept getting smaller. I’d spend an hour drawing a person’s eye or trying to capture the shape of smoke as it rose from the tip of a cigarette. Every time I drew, I sank a little further into myself.

“I tried to pull myself together. I decided that I’d go visit your parents and try to get my head back on straight. They weren’t home, but as I drove through the mighty town of Fremont displaying its patriotic banners, I realized it was the day before Independence Day. I realized what day that was.”

“The wedding,” I said.

“I was supposed to be here. I was supposed to stand with you and Wendy to witness the most important event of our lives and I was fifteen hundred miles away. I got the first flight I could and had to get a taxi to get me to the church. When I got there, Melody and Lissa were walking up the aisle. I just stood in the lobby and looked through the window at all I’d left behind. I couldn’t come in. I’d ruin their day. And when you turned to come down the aisle, I was afraid you’d seen me and I ran back to the cab. I went to the house and I left you all a note. He took me to the studio. I was going to pick up some supplies, but you’d kindly crated all my paintings and sent them to the vault. I was so glad. I went back to the airport and caught the next flight to Omaha.”

“We all wished you’d stayed. Your mom and the Trips were sad.”

“What card did she pull?”

“She had the deck sitting on the card you left. I cut it and drew the five of hearts.” Kate gripped me so tightly I thought I might bruise. “What happened then?”

“On the plane back, I figured out what I had to do. I was so fucking smart.” The bitterness in her voice was something I’d never heard there before. “I called Neil.” I shuddered. “I thought if that was the way the art world works, I’d play that game. I would hire him to do some publicity for me and show the world what I was made of. I decided to take the new drawings and do an exhibition of just drawings. There’s a gallery in Philadelphia that specializes in that kind of thing. Neil said I shouldn’t contact them directly. By the time I got there two weeks later, there was a show arranged and publicity had been sent out. I mounted what I wanted to show and the gallery had an opening. Neil gave me the papers I needed to sign in order to have the show and a bill. I didn’t realize how expensive he was, but I paid it and signed the papers.”

“Did you read them?” Kate dropped her head.

“He’d already met his end of the deal. I had the show and the publicity. I was comfortable that it was just a standard contract.”

“This gives me a bad feeling, Kate.”

“I signed over the publishing rights for anything new I create. That was the deal. Anything, Tony. If I draw a picture, he has the right to publish it. If I paint, he gets to produce it. He’s taken six of the drawings I exhibited and produced crappy prints of them. I was so smart I signed away my life, Tony. The only way I can keep him from having anything more from me is to never draw again.”

“There has to be a way...”

“I’m not done, Tony. He told me to come to New York. I still hadn’t figured out what was in the contract, but he said he had an idea for another exhibition. I hadn’t made much off the one in Philly, but it was only drawings. I was excited about getting back to work, even thinking I’d come home triumphant and be able to stand on my own. I went to his apartment in New Jersey. I was a big girl could act independently.”

She was trembling. So was I. Rage. I could see the colors begin to form in my mind and banished them. No time now. I fought off my anger at Kate and focused it on Neil. Allison’s “Slimy Dick” comment came to mind unbidden.

“He showed me the prints he’d made and I refused to sign them. He put more and more pressure on me and made no secret that he wanted me for more than my art. In a perverse way, it felt good to be wanted again. I missed that. I flirted. I’d just charm him out of my contract. I could stop any time. I wasn’t going to sleep with him. It wasn’t going any further. But ... but when I said, ‘no,’ he ... he didn’t stop. He ... he took me anyway. Please don’t hate me, Tony. I don’t deserve to be with any of you. I was sure I could stop him, but I let him.”

“Kate that’s rape!”

“I went there willingly. He didn’t get me drunk or drug me. Who would believe that I even said no? I can’t imagine you even believe it. I hated you, Tony. I hated you because I believed you acted the way people all acted. That he’d respect me. That when I said no, he’d back off like you did. I hated you for making me trust you—and trust anyone.”

I was shaking so hard I was afraid I’d drop her. It was all my fault. Kate was crying in my arms. I was so shocked I couldn’t think of anything but “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, Tony. I don’t hate you. I hate myself. I was so fucking smart. I was so proud and confident. I ruined all our lives. Now you’ll hate me. Wendy will hate me. I’ll never be able to look Melody or Lissa in the eye. I’ll leave if you want me to.”

“I failed you, Kate,” I said. “I failed you then, but I won’t fail you again. Don’t leave again. Please give us a chance to earn your trust again. Help me find a way to never fail you again. Kate, you had the courage to come back. Please find a way to forgive us. Forgive me.”

It was a long night. Kate was exhausted and having another emotional confession was too much for her. I told her I had to talk to the rest of the family. She said I could tell them everything, but that she would tell everyone as well when she was awake.

“That son of a bitch!” Wendy yelled. “Where does he live? I will eviscerate him. I’ll kill him.” She was almost to the stairs to ask Kate where Neil lived, before I jumped up and caught her.

“Wait! Wendy, please. Will you let us all help and do this right? Please, Tiger? We all need to be a part of this.”

“He raped her! I’ll kill him! I’ll cut off his balls and choke him with them!” She struggled against me as I held her and then collapsed in my arms crying. Melody and Lissa weren’t in much better shape.

“Poor Kate,” Melody whispered. “What will we do?”

“She thought all guys in the world were like Tony,” Lissa sighed. “Have you talked to Clarice?”

“Uh ... no. Should I?”

“One of the reasons you have and agent is to protect you. You need to talk to her as soon as possible. I know I wasn’t her greatest fan when you started out, but that was personal and childish. She’s a good agent and has enough experience to know what to do. Call her now.”