Chapter 7

Susan sat on the couch with her hands folded. She had spoken to Esmi Perez and the woman said she hadn't really noticed much change in Brock's demeanor. But Susan had seen that portion of Brock's personality before.

He had the ability to compartmentalize his emotions. He could put away his frustration and anger when he was around others and only let it out when he was alone. It wasn't a healthy outlet for his feelings and Susan worried about that.

The fact the Esmi didn't know for certain about Brock and Chastity's break up further convinced Susan that Esmi only saw the person Brock wanted her to see.

That was part of the problem the girls had with Brock. They never really knew when they were getting on his nerves or causing him frustration until it reached a boiling point. He usually wouldn't say anything until it became too much for him to bear.

Susan had planned out what she wanted to say on the drive up from San Diego but she was still lost in her thoughts when Brock came into the room and sat down across from her.

"I'm sorry for how I've been acting," Brock said before Susan could speak. "I realize that each of you has a life of your own. I can't expect you to drop everything on a whim when it suits me."

Susan's thoughts faded.

"Yes, you can," she said. "We do it to you. That's part of being a friend and it's something that we've forgotten. I think I speak for everyone else when I say that I'm sorry, too."

She held up a hand to stall Brock's response.

"You're right about us developing a life of our own," she continued. "We've all got something that doesn't include the others. I know that I cherish the part of my life that is all mine. I think the others do, too. And our personalities have changed. Tara, Jen and Mel have all experienced true independence for the first time and they are enjoying the freedom.

"But what we missed is that you're changing, too. You weren't supposed to change, Brock. The relationship we had with you – collectively and individually – wasn't supposed to change."

She exhaled sharply.

"You're out here and on your own for really the first time," she said. "You have friends that none of us know. None of us know how you spend your free time. It's hard for us to see you slip away from us."

Brock frowned.

"I think it was the other way around," he insisted. "You four pulled away from me – even from each other."

"Yes," Susan admitted. "We did. But you were supposed to still be there whenever we wanted you to be."

She smiled ruefully.

"I'm sorry that wasn't explained to you fully," she said sadly. "Look, I know it sounds stupid. But in looking back, it's how we expected it. We could cancel plans and put you on the back burner when we wanted. But you needed to keep our needs on the front burner. When I needed someone to help with our fund-raiser, you came down.

"When Jen needed someone to accompany her to her awards dinner, you did. When Mel needed moral support in her first trial, you sat there in the courtroom all week. When Tara needed a serious interview to make stations get past her looks, you bared your soul for her."

Susan was shaking her head and tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"When you asked us to take a few minutes out of our week to visit with you while you were in town, we didn't," she added. "I felt hurt today when you wouldn't stand there and talk to me for a few minutes. It must have hurt you badly when we all cancelled plans while you were close by. Particularly given the fact that we really haven't seen each other since Christmas."

Brock pursed his lips unconsciously.

"It wasn't really like that," Brock answered – although he wasn't certain he was telling the truth. "It bothered me that no one came to my first game. I like to think that I have been to any important event in each of your lives. I know it's just a game but it was important to me."

Susan nodded.

"I know it was," she said. "I'm guessing that tonight is the first time any of us has been to one of your games."

Brock nodded sadly.

"Merie and Sam came to a lot of them but even they have stopped in the last week or so," he replied. "Tonight is the first time I've even seen Merie since she was over here."

Susan wanted to ask what transpired during Merie's visit but refrained.

"I think each of us was a little put off when you started dating Chastity," Susan admitted. "I think that is when things really started to go downhill."

"Why?" Brock asked. Chastity was still an unresolved portion of his life – much like Merie. But he had begun to feel better about things after his talk with Al earlier in the night.

"She was outside the group," Susan answered with a shrug. She knew it wasn't a good answer but it was all she had.

"So what?" Brock wondered. "Look, all of you have dated people I don't know. Hell, Mel even married a guy I barely knew and didn't like."

"But you never did, Brock," Susan said. "You rarely dated and when you did, it was one of us. Suddenly you are living with a woman none of us has even spoken to. The conversations you used to have with us, you were having with her."

"Ridiculous," Brock railed. "Why should it be different for me than for you?"

"It shouldn't," she agreed. "But in our minds it is."

"You were supposed to pick one of us," she added quietly. "I think all of us would have been OK with things if you had finally decided which of us you wanted to be with. But you decided you didn't want to be with any of us. Then you made no effort to let any of us get to know the person you did pick."

Brock threw his hands up.

"Damn it, Susan," he said loudly. "I was just getting to know her myself. I still don't know her. Not really. Look, neither Chastity nor I are at a point in our lives where it can work for us. She is in Miami and I'm here. That's not going to change for at least a year and probably longer. I'm not sure how either of us will feel about the other when the situation does change. Does that make you feel better?"

"Brock, I'm not trying to justify how we acted," Susan said softly. "I'm just telling you the flawed reasoning behind it. Actually, it's just my flawed reasoning. We live closer now than we have in four years. It took me less than 90 minutes to get here tonight. It's still the first time I've done it. I get off work at four p.m. on Friday and I don't go back until eight a.m. Monday. And in three months, this is the first time I've come to visit you."

That was a fact not lost on Brock, either. His schedule had not permitted a visit to San Diego, but if he were honest, he could have made the time at least once.

"I haven't been down to see you either," he finally admitted.

Susan laughed humorlessly.

"You were in San Diego for three days and I gave you 30 minutes of my valuable time," she said. "I can't really blame you for not putting forth the effort again."

"You were busy," Brock replied.

"I was angry with you," Susan rejoined. "I didn't know why at the time but I was angry."

"Oh," Brock responded.

"Don't you want to know why I was angry?" she wondered.

"I thought we'd covered that already," he told her.

Susan lowered her head slightly. Her face reddened.

"I was angry because you spoiled some very time-consuming long-range plans," Susan told him. "Look, I read Baseball USA, OK. Since the World Series ended last year, all I read said the Indians were planning a major move to position themselves for a postseason run this year. The magazine speculated from the beginning that it would be Chavez sent somewhere for pitching. All the writers agreed that you would be the shortstop in Cleveland this season. Or at least the second baseman."

Susan could tell from the puzzled look on Brock's face he wasn't following. She smiled inwardly and shook her head.

"So, Jen sent resumes to a dozen engineering firms in Cleveland and applied at Case Western Reserve," Susan continued. "Mel took the Ohio Bar Exam and passed. Tara had an offer from a station there and I was offered a position with CASA of Northern Ohio. We were all going to be there by this summer, Brock. Then you fucked things up. First by dating Chastity, then by ending up in L.A."

Brock gulped and he shook his head absently.

"Chastity shouldn't have been an issue," he responded. "And I couldn't help where the Indians sent me. It's not like I could just say no. Well, I guess I could have but it would have meant finding a new profession."

Susan offered him a wide smile.

"I know all that rationally," she said. "But emotionally, it didn't sink in until recently. Brock, I've realized that I'm not in love with you. I've known all along that you weren't in love with me and maybe that's why I stopped. But I do love you. Jen loves you. Mel loves you. Tara loves you. Leslie loves you. Hell, even Erin Wyatt likes you a lot. But none of us were ready to see you go on with your life without us. None of us are ready to start a life without you in it. We didn't react very well when you moved on without consulting us about your decisions."

Susan seemed abashed by her admissions.

"So, where does that leave us?" Brock asked.

"I can't speak for the others," Susan began.

"That's Jen's job," Brock said with a laugh.

"Something else that pisses me off," Susan replied harshly. But her normal tone returned soon after. "You and I have never really had a real friendship. I had the whole hero worship thing going on. You had the whole puppy thing going on."

"You let me follow you like a puppy follows its owner," Susan added when she saw confusion on Brock's face.

"Oh," he answered. "I never really looked at it that way, you know."

"I know," she told him. "It doesn't change it, though. I guess we're both adults now – legally at least. I hope we can find some time in the near future to work out our friendship, to see if we even have a real one."

"I think we do," Brock insisted. "I mean, I was aware of your feelings."

"How could you not have been?" Susan asked with a grimace. Brock shrugged and continued.

"Just as you were aware of mine toward you," he said. "Over the past couple of years I've come to look at you – all of you – as my sisters. Or at least close cousins or something. I don't think our friendship is normal because we aren't friends. We're family – of a sort, at least."

Brock saw a tear slide down Susan's cheek so he moved over to sit beside her on the chair.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," he said.

"You didn't," she answered as she put her head on his shoulder. "I think you're right, though. I mean, I lived my last year of childhood with Leslie so Jen and Melanie are almost my sisters. Tara and I have always been close so I guess that is true, too. I guess I've never really thought of you as the brother type, though. A part of me still wishes our relationship could be more. I know it can't and I know why it can't."

"It probably couldn't have even if none of that stuff happened," Brock said with a soft voice. "I've always felt protective of you. I've always felt a deep affection for you – even when we were kids. I, uh, well, I guess you know that, huh?"

Susan patted Brock's hand.

"I do know that," she said. "Even before everything that happened, I knew you cared about me. You were always the only person who stuck up for me. You were always the only person who cared if something was bothering me. Hell, Brock, you were the only person who bothered to look for me when we played Hide and Seek. I guess I just always read too many romance novels and I had this absurd notion that we'd get together someday."

Brock was at a loss for words. He knew what he wanted to say but he also knew he could never say it to Susan. For years, he had mistaken his feelings for her as a spark of romantic affection but they hadn't been. Chastity had shown him that much.

His feelings toward Susan had always been – and they probably would always be – "like." He had a deep sense of "like" for her and she would always have that. But he couldn't see any circumstances that would lead it to ever be more than that.

"Well," he said instead. "The good part is that a friendship is much less tenuous than a romance. My romance with Chastity ended because of these same issues. My friendship with you has survived it. At least I hope it has."

"It has," Susan confirmed. "And maybe we can work on making it stronger now that we finally had this conversation about my feelings. I'm sorry that I left North Carolina. I often wished I hadn't but I wasn't about to go back there."

Brock understood. He had let pride make decisions for him he wished he hadn't.

"I was sorry to see you go," he admitted. "Suze, I've known you longer than anyone. You're probably the only person in the world who remembers my Mom very well. You're the only person in the world who knows why I hate frogs and I don't eat broccoli."

Susan laughed aloud.

"I still remember the look on your face when I put that frog in your pants," she said. "Sorry about that."

Susan had been around six years old when she snuck up behind Jordan DeVoe, Brock's birth name, and dropped a slimy green thing in the back of his shorts. Jordan had been so startled he lost his footing and fallen down in his haste to escape. The poor frog had gotten crushed in the fall.

Susan was at the heart of the broccoli incident, too. Jordan had been caught during school lunch trading his vegetables for her dessert – an absolute crime at his elementary school. The principal had punished him by having the cooks prepare broccoli for him as dessert for the rest of the semester.