Chapter 9

"You were in the hospital for a while, I imagine," Jo said.

"The whole spectrum. Infection. Orthopedics. Recovery. Rehabilitation. I do okay now, but every now and then one thing or another talks to me."

"Like that walk we took in Austin," she said. "Now I understand why. You should've said something."

"And miss a chance to walk down the street with you? I'm not stupid."

"Sit!" she commanded, patting the sofa beside her.

"Lemme go put my other clothes back on," I said.

"If you think it's necessary. I'm not uncomfortable with you like you are." She smiled. "You're my friend. You're male, but you're the male I trust."

"At least you didn't run screaming from the room," I sighed. "For any of several possible reasons."

"What?" she asked petulantly. "That you have scars? Stoney, you earned them in combat. I'm just Norse enough to think you've earned your way into Valhalla, but don't you even THINK of one of those big-breasted blondes waiting on you. Or maybe it's because you consider yourself to be immodest in your dress. Gee, buddy, like I've never been poolside in the summer. I've seen male bodies, Stoney. I'm a college girl and I have gone places where such things are not unusual."

"I didn't want you to think..."

"Stoney, just sit down. Sometimes you think too much." Giggle. "I own a bikini that shows as much of me as those shorts show of you. It's not like you came in here naked and pinned me to the sofa."

"Now that's a thought," I said. "I'm being all nice..."

She tugged my hand so I sat down with her. Her index finger touched the tip of my nose. "You are all nice, Stoney. That's why I'm here."

"What makes you think I'm that nice, Jo? You're awfully delectable. If I wasn't nice..."

"Your eyes, Stoney. The first time I saw you, you were helping set up that recording system. You were on your knees, moving, squatting, putting things in place in the orchestra practice hall. You were on your knees in front of everybody, including girls, and some of the other girls are pretty hot. And you just acted like you were stacking groceries. You smiled. You chatted. But you didn't gawk and you didn't drool and you didn't hit on any of them. I determined that if you were some kind of uncontrollable lech, then that would have been the place to see it."

"Maybe I'm just very good at it."

Her lips stopped me from further conversation. When the kiss was over, she said, "You're a decent human being. I find it delightful that you're a guy. That way I can kiss you without offending my Lutheran-Catholic roots."

I pulled her toward me and returned the kiss, ending it with a sigh. "And you're an angel and a bunny and a songbird and a bunch of other things, every one of them appealing to me," I said.

"Good! Now we need to see where all this goes, huh? I mean, a banjo and a classical flute, that's a spread."

"An engineer and a princess."

"A warrior and a musician."

She smiled. "Stoney and Jo. Two human beings who seem to do well together. Where's it heading, Stoney?"

"Gosh, that's out of the clear blue."

Clear blue, indeed. Clear blue eyes clicked to mine. "Okay, then. Tell me you haven't given it a thought."

"No, I can't tell you that. I can tell you that I find you a beautiful and happy part ... No, make that THE beautiful and happy part of my life right now. Jo, honestly, you're more than I deserve to even dream about."

"Stoney, I'm just a little army brat. I can't even claim a home state like you can. What am I supposed to be looking for?"

"I don't know. I'm just an engineer. You need somebody much more metaphysical to answer that question."

She smiled. She knew I was dodging. "Engineers have feelings, too, Stoney."

"Yes, they do, Jo." I returned her gaze. "I admit to feelings about you. You're quite the thing. No mere ball of fluff. A brain and looks and personality."

"Thank you for that methodical assessment, sir," she said. "These feelings of which you speak. What are they?"

"Words that might not be yet appropriate," I said. "Maybe. Depends a lot on..."

"Me," she said. "Depends on what I think about things, too. It's October. I've known you since August. I've been your girlfriend for four weeks now. The last week, every time I went out, I had you with me."

"So what we both seem to be saying is..." I need to be careful here. I've never had somebody that got inside my head and finished my sentences for me before.

" ... we seem to be compatible on several levels, right?" She punctuated that phrase with a kiss, pressing herself against my bare chest.

"Yes, we seem to be. I've arrived at a similar conclusion."

"And you say nothing to me about it? Why not, Stoney?"

"Several reasons, my delightfully red-headed musician. First, I didn't want to think about you finding what I've showed you tonight."

"Scars? Physical things?" She sounded almost unbelieving.

"Look, Jo, I haven't had the feeling that you were like that. I mean, you got past my face. But still, sometimes I worry that the whole package is too much. Second, I still have issues about the war. That's a lot to hang on a friend. Even more if it's more than a friend. Like you. And third, since the day you said I was your boyfriend, I have felt like I'm in the presence of a precious, delicate orchid and if I touch or sniff or move too much, it will wither."

"All that is very sweet of you, Stoney, but genetically speaking I'm from much hardier stock than that. Norsemen on one side and Irish, their perpetual victims, on the other."

"Yeah, uh-huh ... Your Mom doesn't look a bit victimized to me."

Giggle. "That's beside the point. I know what 'stand by your man' means, and it's not just the title of a country and western song. I'm not fragile." Her smirk was a combination of exasperation and good humor. "You're just stereotyping me because I play the flute."

"You're nuts, you know, Johanna?"

"And you are too, and you're getting nuttier by the day."

"So, where's this at right now?"

"I consider you my boyfriend about whom I am very serious. If this was high school, we would be going steady."

I laughed.

"It's not funny, Stoney. I'm having a very serious conversation here. I should be writing your name in flowery script on all my notebooks."

"You'd be wearing my senior ring on a chain around your neck."

She giggled. "And you don't get to date other girls."

"Wasn't dating other girls when I met you, now, was I?"

"I don't know that," she said.

"I wasn't."

"Then don't start," she said. "This is all very serious. I never went steady with a boy in high school OR college."

"That's outside the norm," I said.

"Oh, believe me, I know. I've had it explained to me by numerous peers, male and female. You have your story, I have mine, you know..."

"You told me a little," I said.

"I know. That sort of messed me up, Stoney. Mom says it caused trust issues. I argue with her now. I say it just showed me that some of my contemporaries have very loose ideas of proper personal interaction. And when I did finally try to get past only dating in groups, I ended up with our common friend, the asshole trumpet player."

"Oh, yes..."

"Well, let me tell you what did him in for me."

"I'm listening," I said.

"It got back to me that he was bragging to his friends that he'd be, and I quote, 'fucking the flute player' before the date was over. That sort of information puts a girl on alert, you know." She looked at me. "And in case you completely misread my character, Mister Stonewall Jackson, he most certainly did NOT. I do, however, think that he saw me as worth a second try, which leads us to the day he and you had your energetic conversation. I did not, even prior to meeting you, see him as somebody I would ever see again."

"So you're telling me..."

"That I am willing to go out in groups, not particularly attached to one guy."

"I don't think it means you're attached to me, Jo. I think we fit well together. Your presence brightens my day. Makes me feel complete."

She smiled. "Good! Good answer! Then it's settled!"

"What's settled?"

Giggle. "You and me. We're going steady. I feel better already."

"This evening has been a roller coaster, Jo. You're the best part of it."

"What about Mom and Dad?"

"Right below you on the 'good things for today' list."

"I would add our little talk."

"Which one?"

"The one where you had to tell me what my dad knew."

She watched my face. Saw something that I only felt. "Stoney, I'm here. I don't know what it takes, but if having a friend at your beck and call, then you have that covered. I'm serious." She sighed. "How's it come to you? I see your face change, like a summer day when a cloud passes over and everything darkens for a while, then it moves on and it's all bright and shiny again."

"That's some of it."

"I've seen it. I watch you, you know. I've seen it several times."

"You're here. Or people are around."

"What's the trigger?"

"I wish I could nail it down. Sometimes it's a word or a phrase. Sometimes it's a sound. Sometimes it's a face in the crowd." My turn to sigh. "But the worst ones are the dreams."

"Tell me about it. If you want to. Not if it hurts."

She looked genuinely concerned. How could I not talk to her? "Nobody around. I get to deal with the ghosts alone."

"Oh, Stoney," she said. "I'm sorry. How often?"

"Often enough to be scary sometimes. The VA has had me meet with a counselor. And I have some pills that sometimes help me sleep through. But I wake up in the morning all groggy, foggy. I don't like the pills. So usually, I just get up and find something to do until morning."

"Stoney, you're blaming yourself for something outside your control. Dad says..."

"I know what your dad says, Jo. And the counselors. But I..."

"You blame yourself for something that other men, as professional and a lot more fanatic than you are, did, those men DIED to make happen. You survived and while you did, you kept more of your own men alive than if you hadn't. Your commander knows it. The survivors know it."

"Men died. My men."

"Men lived. Your men. You lived. And from what the report says, Lieutenant Randall Jackson, your brain quit working but your body didn't. 'Crawled to the other positions.' After YOU thought you were blacked out."

"I honestly don't remember after the guy with the knife."

"See," she said softly. "Part of your consciousness shut down. Now part of it won't shut down. Stoney, you're good and you're honest and you care."

"Jo," I said, "As much as I appreciate it, this isn't something that's entirely conscious on my part."