Chapter 44: A Kid Brother's Growing Pains

September 6, 1983

“Her name is Heather,” Seamus told me over the phone, “and she’s, like, really, really hot.”

As soon as those words tumbled out of his mouth, I had misgivings. He, of course, was talking about the source of the “girl issues” of which Dad had spoken.

“I ran into her one day at the pool,” my brother went on. “Pat, she had on this incredible bikini. We got to talking, and we’ve been hanging out a lot lately. She’s starting ninth grade at St. James, just like me. Most of the time, she’s really cool. The problem is, she doesn’t like any of my friends. Keeps telling me I need to lose them. And she always wants me to go to the mall, into the girly stores...”

“Seamus, hold on a sec,” I interrupted. “Your friends are your friends. If she makes demands like that, you need to tell her to knock it off.”

“But she’s really cute,” he protested, “and if I complain, she’ll stop hanging out with me.”

Where to begin, I thought. Firstly, I admonished myself for falling out of touch with my brother, and I realized why Dad had enlisted my help here. Secondly, I tried to imagine what it was like to be fourteen. I had to go back a long way. I mean, I’d been seventeen fairly recently, but I had to go clear back into the other timeline to reach fourteen. I knew it wasn’t an easy point in one’s life.

Seamus, meanwhile, prattled on and on about how beautiful Heather was, and how she just had to stick her fingers into everything he did. But finally, he gave me an opportunity which I reached out and grabbed.

“She always comes over here on Sundays after church. Mom and Dad don’t seem to like her too much. But when she’s here on Sundays, she’s always really cool.”

“I’m coming down on Sunday,” I stated firmly, realizing I’d probably be blowing off practice that day. I felt it was justified, however, and I knew the others would agree. I wanted to observe firsthand what Seamus was dealing with. However, I also threw out a few words of caution for my brother to absorb.

“From what you’ve told me so far, Seamus, this girl sounds like nothing but trouble. Be careful. She seems shallow, insincere and manipulative, to say the least.”

As soon as I got off the phone, I muttered out loud, “He’s gone and found himself a girl who’s even more neurotic and controlling than Diana was.”

Next, I called my other sibling. Eileen had just gotten back from class; in fact, it was her first-ever college class.

“How’d it go?” I asked her.

“It was calculus. I don’t know how I’ll do,” she told me warily. “I mean, I had pre-calc last year, but this is a whole new world.”

“You’ll figure it out,” I assured her. “And by the way ... did Dad talk to you yet?”

I could almost hear Eileen wince over the phone.

“Yes, he did. That’s one conversation I won’t soon forget.”

“I got pretty much the same talk.”

“You did?” she said, sounding surprised.

“I did,” came my reply. “And you know what? He’s absolutely right.”

There was a short pause. Eileen finally said softly, “Yes, I guess he is, isn’t he? We’ve been so involved with the band and other things, that we’ve almost forgotten we have a family.”

“I’m trying to rectify that on my end,” I told her. “I just had a long phone chat with Seamus. You know what? He’s having problems with a girl.”

“He is?” Eileen mused. “Dad didn’t tell me about that. Our kid brother is growing up.”

“He’s growing up, but not fast enough,” I corrected. I told Eileen the entire story, and what I’d read into what he was saying.

“Wow,” she said when I was finished. “Wow. We have to do something about this, don’t we?”

“I’m going home for the day on Sunday,” I related. “Want to ride down with me?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “Even if it means we have to call off practice.”

Later in the evening, I trekked over to Inez’s place. Evie was also present; the three of us got to talking about my family issues. Evie weighed in with her opinion, and I realized that she was yet another person in position to lend the right perspective.

“I lost my dad when I was five,” she put in. “I have scarcely any memory of him. That’s why spending time with my mom is so important to me. Unless it’s an absolute emergency, I make sure I get down to visit her every Sunday. Almost without exception.”

Inez then came up with a brilliant idea.

“Sundays are a common theme here,” she declared. “During the school year, we hardly ever do shows on Sunday. We’re getting better and better. We have a long list of material that we have down cold. Do we really need to have practice on Sunday?”

“I see what you’re getting at,” I said slowly.

September 11, 1983

It was Sunday, about eleven a.m. or thereabouts. Five-sixths of Lightning in a Bottle was packed tightly into my Datsun. The lone holdout was Paul, who begged off, professing that he had too much studying to do. Of course, we all were in the same boat academically, but Paul was the one who seemed to have no life beyond school and the band. I wondered what his folks were thinking about all this.

Inez was seated next to me in the front; Dave, Eileen, and Evie were squeezed into the back. We were heading south on the turnpike, paying a visit to our somewhat neglected families.

Inez’s idea had been to declare Sunday as a kind of “family day”. We’d spend the day at home, away from the university, band responsibilities, and everything else that had directed our attention away from our respective parental units and siblings. Of course, we all planned to bring our books with us; we knew that we couldn’t afford to take every single Sunday off from schoolwork. Such was not the life of a college student.

I was immediately and enthusiastically on board with this idea. I realized how nice it would be to get away and recharge the old battery once a week. Dave jumped at it, as well. It seemed that his parents had also given him some grief lately about not getting home often enough. Of course, the one person whose parents were not in the area was Inez.

“I’ll come down with you,” she had suggested to me, “and visit with your family too. And if you, Seamus and your dad want to do guy things, I’ll just hang out with Evie and her mom. Or we can divide the time up somehow. This situation is really win-win for everyone.”

“It’s a super idea,” I replied in full agreement. “It solves a major problem. How did I ever manage to cope without you in my life?”

Today, given that Eileen and I needed to speak with our brother, the plan was for Inez to stay at Evie’s place, at least for a little while. I dropped them off first, and then swung by Dave’s house to let him out. As I pulled into our driveway, Eileen summed up what I was feeling in the most accurate manner possible.

“Seamus is inside that house with a girl,” she said with a giggle. “How weird is that?”

“Kind of makes me wonder where the time went,” I mused. “Well, let’s head inside, and see what awaits us.”

Oh, if I only knew what I was getting into.

Seamus greeted us as soon as we stepped inside; he was clearly lying in wait for us.

“Mom and Dad went out for a little while. They’ll be back later,” he told us vaguely. Right away, I suspected that our parents had some sort of ulterior motive for leaving us alone.

At once, I spotted a girl seated in the living room, and I knew she had to be the notorious Heather. Make no mistake about it: she was pretty. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, fair complexion, and a baby face that outwardly, was the only thing that was typical of a fourteen-year-old. Now, in spite of that, there was no mistaking her true age; what we had here was a girl who was trying to act much older – and more sophisticated – than she really was. It was “trying too hard” taken to a ridiculous extreme.

Heather was dressed rather suggestively, with far too much makeup on her face, and sunglasses perched on top of her head. She was sitting on the edge of the sofa, one leg folded over the other, her body tilted slightly to the side, accentuating her tush and her legs.

Seamus made the introductions. Heather didn’t appear to notice Eileen at all.

“Hi, Pat,” she said to me brightly. “I heard you’re a musician. I love musicians.”

Oh shit, I thought. I shot a glance at Eileen, who was shaking her head in astonishment. I had little recourse at this point, except to sit down in a chair opposite Heather. Eileen took a seat in an adjacent chair. Before Seamus could sit down next to Heather, she spoke to him in a tone that was affected and patronizing.

“Pookie Bear,” she told him, “could you go and bring me a Diet Coke?” Without hesitation, Seamus shot off into the kitchen.

Concealing the action with her hand, Eileen mouthed silently in my direction, “Pookie Bear?”

Seamus dutifully returned with a can of soda, and handed it to Heather.

“And a straw,” she commanded him. “I might ruin my lip gloss.”

Off went Seamus again, as I thought, I really need to talk some sense into this kid.

He brought her the straw, but she had yet another demand.

“Could you open the can for me? I don’t want to break my nail.” And Seamus, once again, did as he was asked.

“We can’t let that happen, now, can we?” Eileen said with a smirk, shaking her head. The sarcasm went completely over Heather’s head; she merely nodded her head in disinterested agreement.

Heather began to sip the soda through the straw, making an absurdly exaggerated attempt at appearing refined. I tried not to look at her, but when I glanced in her direction, I became uncomfortably aware of something. She was actually batting her eyelashes at me! Seamus appeared to be completely unaware of this.

Eileen tried to distract Heather by engaging her in conversation, but it simply wasn’t happening. Heather, in an extremely dismissive manner, interrupted my sister, and devoted her full attention to me.

“Pat, I want to hear all about the band you’re in,” she declared.

“Hey, wait a minute. I’m in the band, too!” Eileen exclaimed with a disbelieving laugh. My sister gave me a look which said, “Is this girl for real?”

But I figured, okay, I could talk about that. I kept it light and general, making it a point to mention, “My girlfriend is our lead guitarist and vocalist.” This remark, however, had no effect on Heather. It appeared to go in one ear and out the other. And then, she proceeded to raise the tension level even more.

“You have the most amazing blue eyes, just like your brother,” purred Heather. “And you know what? I love older men.”

Time out, I thought. Without further ado, I got up and made a move to go upstairs. I winked at Eileen, and said to all, “I need to make a quick phone call.”

Upstairs, I dialed Evie’s number. Stella answered; I greeted her with a cheery hello, and then asked if I could speak with my girlfriend.

“I need you to come over here, pronto,” I said to Inez she soon as she got on the phone. “This girl that Seamus likes ... it’s even worse than I thought. She’s gone into full-blown Lolita mode. She’s making eyes at me, and telling me how much she likes older men.”

“Uh-oh ... say no more. I’ll see if Evie can bring me over in her mom’s car.”

“Thanks, angel.”

I figured that I needed to speak to Heather in a language she might understand: putting my beautiful girlfriend on full display in front of her. I hoped fervently that my plan would work. And I knew that a long, long talk with my brother was in order. I mean, I was well aware that he had a lot to learn, but I didn’t realize he was this naive about girls.

Pretending to still be on the phone, I watched for Stella’s car through the upstairs window, until I was overcome by curiosity as to what was happening downstairs. I wanted to know what Eileen, Seamus, and Heather were talking about. I crept quietly down the stairs, hid myself behind a door, and eavesdropped.

“How did you two get together?” came my sister’s voice.

Heather replied, “I’ve known Pookie Bear since we were kids.”

What are you now? Retirees? I laughed to myself from behind the door.

“Over the summer,” Heather went on, “I noticed how tall and handsome he had gotten. I was bored and needed a new boyfriend, so here we are.”

“Well, Seamus, she certainly is... cute,” stated Eileen lightly, with a contempt I could almost feel. “What do you like about her?”

“I’ve liked her for a while,” said my brother, not really answering the question, but telling a lot by what he did not say.

“Oh, Pookie Bear! I love it when you compliment me like that,” I heard Heather gush, as I began to feel guilty for leaving Eileen to deal with this airhead.

It had now become obvious to me that my brother had maintained a big crush on Heather for some time. There’s nothing worse than an unrequited crush, except when you actually get the girl, and discover she’s totally wrong for you. This would be Seamus’ fate if we did not intervene somehow.

Now I know why Mom and Dad decided to make themselves scarce. Those cowards! I thought with a grin.

I was awakened from my thoughts, and Heather’s tedious drone, by the quite welcome sound of the doorbell. Pretending to have just come down the stairs, I went to open the door. I greeted Inez with a kiss, and motioned Evie inside also. Both of them displayed we’re-up-to-something smiles.

Now, Heather was seated next to Seamus in a love seat. Eileen was still in the same chair. I plopped down in another chair, and Inez immediately claimed her spot on my lap, as I wrapped my arms around her. Evie sat in yet another chair, and then proceeded to do something that was as hilarious as it was inspired. Mimicking Heather’s posture with precision, she wrapped one leg over the other, sitting slightly sideways on the edge of the chair. The difference was, it seemed natural and normal for Evie. With Heather, it looked forced and suggestive, which was exactly what Evie had intended to highlight. Heather appeared to be a little bit flustered, and I wondered if things were about to unravel for Little Miss Lolita. Especially when Evie decided to speak to her.

“I can see why you caught Seamus’ eye, Heather. You’re such a cute little girl.”

Zing! I successfully managed to stifle a laugh. I shot a glance over at Eileen; she was grinning widely. But incredibly enough, Heather didn’t back down. In fact, she even brought out her claws a little bit. Ignoring Evie, she faced Inez squarely, and directed the next remark to her.

“I was telling Pat earlier,” she said defiantly, “how much I love musicians.”

“You don’t say,” my girlfriend shot back, flashing a smile which communicated nothing more than patient bemusement. She drew her arms around me tighter, and let her head rest against mine. Momentarily leaning up a little, I planted a kiss on her forehead.

“Maybe you could watch one of our shows, Heather,” Evie threw in, “if it’s not past your bedtime.”

With that remark, I came even closer to cracking up. Evie was on fire! I was watching Seamus to gauge his reaction to all of this; so far, he seemed to be taking it in stride. Interesting. Then, Heather directed her next comment to me.

“I think Seamus is very lucky to have such a cool big brother. You’re very nice, Pat.”

Evie winked at me, and then replied dryly, “Yeah, Pat’s okay, but he has this weakness for fourteen-year-old girls with snobby attitudes.”

At that, Inez pressed her face down into my shoulder, hiding a giggle. She, too, was one small step away from erupting in laughter. Eileen was holding her hand over her mouth. Heather, still completely nonplussed, continued onward. Flippantly shaking her head as she spoke, she decided to let us all know how grown-up she thought she was.

“I’ll have you know that I’m trying out for the varsity cheerleading squad,” she bragged, “and I fully expect to make it as a freshman.”

Evie didn’t even hesitate before taking another jab. “Yeah, I remember how much respect we had for cheerleaders in high school. Right, Pat? They always wore the cutest little uniforms.”

“And not only that,” boasted the still-undeterred Heather, “my aunt is a fashion editor. She tells me all the time that I could start modeling today if I wanted.”

But it was quite obvious that she was in way over her head here, for the relentless Evie had another classic retort. “Don’t you have to be a MENSA member to be a model? When’s the last time you took an IQ test?”

Heather countered by sitting upright, putting her hands defiantly on her hips, and tossed her head as she spoke.

“I’m very mature. Very. My parents think so. That’s why I’m on the pill.”

That remark caused everyone in the room to exchange uneasy glances and roll their eyes. All, that is, except for Evie, who fired off her most devastating salvo yet.

“You should probably keep on taking that pill. Don’t stop, even when you’re married.” When I heard that one, it was all I could do to keep from peeing in my pants.

And it had an effect on Heather. All of a sudden, she seemed to have lost a bit of her edge; she grew quiet and pensive. The rest of us got to talking about other things. Unable to add much to the conversation, Heather once again began to cast furtive glances in my direction. She did it in a rather obvious manner; all present saw what was happening. I’d had enough at this stage, and was about to say something. But Evie beat me to the punch, grinning as she delivered yet another barb.

“Okay, Heather. Let’s cut to the chase here. Why would Pat be interested in a little girl playing dress-up, when he has such a beautiful grown-up girlfriend?”

Heather replied to this direct challenge in the way a child might, by backpedaling furiously, in the most snotty manner possible.

“I’m not interested in Pat, you bitch. I like Seamus.”

“Oh really?” Inez stuck in, with a smirk. “For someone who’s not interested, you’re sure spending a lot of time looking at my boyfriend, little missy.”

That did it; I could no longer hold back a laugh. I brought my hand to my mouth in a futile attempt to conceal it. I saw a disapproving look from my brother, my first indication that he wasn’t happy about the situation. I also received a gentle elbow from my beloved; she’d apparently taken note of Seamus’ reaction, as well.

Suddenly, Heather’s lips were trembling, as she turned to face Seamus.

“Oh, Pookie Bear,” she whined pitifully. “They’re making fun of me.”

Then, Seamus astonished us all by stepping in and taking control.

“Heather, I think maybe you should leave,” he said with authority.

“But Pookie Bear...”

“I need to talk to my brother.”

I glanced at Heather, and saw a single tear escaping from one side of those duplicitous baby blues of hers. I wondered if she was an aspiring actress. I further wondered if I’d actually seen her on TV during adulthood in my first go-round. Or maybe even porn, I thought.

“Can I still see you at school?” she sniffled.

“I’ll call you,” Seamus replied vaguely. And with that, Heather was out the door. As down as Seamus looked at the moment, he also seemed relieved, in a sense.

Inez looked over with sympathy at Seamus, and delivered a few words of consolation. “You know, Seamus, you can do a lot better than her. We just wanted to get her to show her true colors. That’s what all that was about.”

“She’s right, Seamus,” Evie concurred. “We wanted you to see it for yourself.”

Seamus nodded, still not appearing particularly happy, but seeming to get the drift.

Evie headed back over to her mom’s place by herself; Inez decided to stay put. She and Eileen went upstairs, and hung out in my sister’s room for a while. This afforded me the chance to have that one-on-one with my brother. Right away, I wanted to reinforce the point that Inez and Evie had just made.

“You get why we did that, right? The point was to get Heather to show you what she’s really like. You might not have believed it as much, if we’d done nothing more than just tell you about it.”

“I understand, I guess,” my brother replied half-heartedly. I really believed that he got it; he was just a little bit bowled over by everything that had happened.

“Good,” I told him. “And I’m sorry for laughing like that. It’s just that Evie really got on a roll, and it was almost better than a comedy routine.” That got something approaching a grin out of Seamus. He still wasn’t being particularly forthcoming, so I continued talking.

“That Heather,” I told him frankly, “is every fourteen-year-old’s worst nightmare.”

“Why do you say that?” he asked with curiosity.

“Because she’s pretty, but her personality is toxic. And at fourteen, your hormones override your brain. On top of that, most guys that age simply don’t have the experience to deal with persistent pressure like that from an attractive girl. Hell, I had a similar problem once, and I was seventeen when it happened. Do you remember Diana?” I decided to illustrate my point with an example from my own life.