Chapter 23

Emma's first reaction was panic. Cancer! Mastectomy! Death! She had to hold onto the washbasin in an attempt to control her trembling. Slowly sense and reasoning returned to her.

"Pull yourself together," she growled. "It's not the end of the world. It's small so it's young and if it is malignant I doubt it's spread. They can probably zap it with radiotherapy. No mastectomy and no death. Come on now."

She carried on getting dressed and went down to the kitchen to start preparing breakfast. She was unable to get the lump out of her mind though. She must not saddle her family with it and spoil Christmas for them. She needed to make an appointment to see her doctor. She would ring from her bedroom after breakfast.

Jerry came in and made a bee-line for her. He pulled her gently into his arms. "Good morning again, my darling." He kissed her lips. "Oi loves yer."

She smiled up at him. "Loves yer back Oi does."

Jerry went to help himself to cereal. That was their morning ritual and normally Emma's eyes sparkled. They did not this morning. He wondered why: something on her mind? He shrugged mentally. She was probably getting in a last minute stew about Christmas preparations.

Emma was abnormally quiet at breakfast and in the end Jerry asked her if everything was all right.

"Yes. Fine. I'm just sort of running through things in my head."

"Well, if there's a panic your manservant is at your beck and call."

Emma smiled wanly at him.

"She's not herself," mused Jerry. "She'll tell me when she's ready though."

After they had washed up Jerry took his second cup of coffee and the paper through to the study. Emma picked up the telephone and went up to their room closing the door behind her. She rang the surgery and asked for an appointment with her doctor.

"Certainly, Mrs Evans. How about next Thursday at eleven fifteen?"

"Couldn't you make it sooner?"

"I'm afraid not. Being closed for the next three days that's the first slot we've got."

"Could I take pot luck later this morning?"

"You could try but I doubt you'll succeed. What seems to be the matter?"

"I've found a breast lump."

"Right. I'll get Doctor Sharpe to give you a ring between appointments."

"Thank you."

Emma wondered how long she was going to have to wait. She did not want to go back downstairs where Jerry might answer the phone before her or hear the conversation.

She went over to her small writing desk and deliberately wrote all the things she needed to do even though they were quite clear in her mind. It was just a subterfuge in case anyone came in. She sat there for what seemed an age but was less than ten minutes. The telephone rang and she answered it immediately.

"Good morning, Emma. It's Sally Sharpe. What's this I hear about a lump?"

"Thanks for ringing so quickly, Sally. I was doing my weekly examination this morning and found one."

"Large or small?"

"Small."

"Hard or soft?"

"Quite firm."

"Left or right?"

"Right at about nine o'clock and about half an inch from the nipple."

"And it wasn't there last week?"

"No."

"OK, well we're clearly going to have to check it out. You know X-Ray, scan and a blood test. I'll get a request off this morning. Now, with Christmas and New Year you won't be seen as quickly as normal but don't worry. I'm quite sure we've caught it early enough. If it is malignant it won't have started to spread so we should be able to zap it with a quick dose of radiotherapy. If it's benign, just a cyst, it's operable without even a scar so relax, Emma, and enjoy your Christmas."

"Thanks, Sally."

"I'll tell them you're staff which might get you seen quicker. Happy Christmas, Emma dear."

"And you, Sally, and thanks again."

She put the phone down. While Sally had been a comfort Emma was still worried.

"Pull yourself together, woman," she ordered herself, took several deep breaths, picked up her jottings and fairly marched down the stairs.

The first thing she did was call in on Jerry. She plonked herself on his knee and kissed him.

"Sorry I was such a grump at breakfast," she said. "I've written a list and cleared my mind."

Jerry hugged her gently and kissed her softly back. "Well done, darling. Shout when you want me. I imagine you'll be too busy to walk the dogs so I'll wait and see if Zoë wants to come with us."

Emma got up and went off to the kitchen. She was in fact very organised and there was precious little really to do. She had planned to do the mince pies in the afternoon but decided to do them now if only to keep her mind busy. The trouble was that none of it was completely mind consuming and her mind kept drifting back to the lump.

Zoë drifted in and made herself breakfast. She was bubbling with excitement and took Emma's mind off herself.

"Sweety, Jerry and I haven't said anything and it may be premature but if you want Randy to move in we'll be happy."

"Oh, Mum, thank you." She chuckled. "I'll talk to him about it but he's quite old fashioned. I've been on the pill for six weeks and he hasn't made a move."

"Good for him! It's entirely up to you two but as I say he's welcome even if you don't sleep together."

"Thanks, Mum. Is there anything you want me to do because if not I'm going to wrap presents."

There was nothing and, as Emma had foreseen, Zoë needed all the necessaries such as wrapping paper, ribbon and labels.

"In the bottom drawer of my chest of drawers."

Before going upstairs Zoë crept into the study and up behind Jerry.

"Boo!" she said from just behind him and then as he jumped put her arms round him and kissed the top of his head. "Good morning, Dad."

"Good morning, you beastly girl, scaring the daylights out of me."

Zoë, unabashed and ignoring his paper came round and sat on his knee giving him a proper kiss.

"Thank you, Dad, for agreeing to Randy to moving in. It's sweet of you although, as I said to Mum, he may not want to; straight-laced army types."

"Bad luck, sweety," he grinned and gave her a gentle kiss. "Do you want to walk the dogs with me? Eleven, eleven-thirty-ish? Nowhere exciting and we've got to be back for lover boy."

Zoë punched him. "Yes, Dad, I'd love to. I must go and wrap presents now."

She kissed him lightly and bounded off.

Emma finished the mince pies and put them in the oven. Her dark mood began to creep over her again. "Decorate the cake. Decorate the cake," she thought desperately. That actually took her an hour.

Jerry broke into that. "Half past tensies!" he announced and put the kettle on. "Zoë!" he shouted up the stairs. "Coffee in ten minutes."

"'Kay!"

Emma dropped everything for coffee. It was impossible for the dark mood to encroach. Jerry and Zoë kept up non-stop conversation punctuated by laughter and Emma found herself joining in.

She was persuaded to walk with them. They did a two mile circuit, a lot of the time with Jerry in the middle and the other two holding his hands. Zoë though was on a high and every now and again would go bounding ahead with the dogs.

"Your teen-aged daughter," Jerry teased.

"Dead right," laughed Emma.

Randy arrived at one. Zoë did not bounce him. Instead, they just moved silently into each other's arms, kissed gently and then hung onto each other. Jerry and Emma smiled indulgently.

It had been planned and the four of them went up to the Trout for a light lunch after which Zoë and Randy left.

Emma went back to her cake decoration but Jerry would have none of it.

"Come on, my darling," he said. "We're going to be full of people for the next two days. Come and cuddle with me."

Emma was worried that he might discover her lump but, realising that he spent most of his time on her left breast, agreed. She was glad she had. The next two hours were blissful followed by a further two hours untroubled sleep.

The rest of the day went all right too because Jerry was with her throughout and kept her mind occupied. He made love to her again when they went to bed and she slept for two hours before waking.

Her fears came back. What if it was malignant and they hadn't caught it in time? She'd lose her beloved Jerry and her two daughters just as they started married life and miss her grandchildren. Jerry would suffer terribly having lost two wives to cancer.

Breast cancer did not mean death. Breast cancer did not mean death. Even if she had to have a mastectomy she knew Jerry would still love her but she would still be on the danger list. Cancer could lie low and then pop up again having spread lethally.

She tossed and turned. Fortunately Jerry did not wake. She went downstairs and, just to keep herself occupied, went back to decorating the cake.

It was three in the morning when she finished it. She had to go back to bed. She could take a sleeping pill but did not want to be drowsy later in the morning. She took a couple of aspirins hoping that they would do the trick. They did and she woke at her usual time. She showered, dressed and went downstairs to start breakfast.

Jerry wandered in and kissed her good morning. He was relieved to see a sparkle in her eyes when she replied, "Loves yer back Oi does."

In fact, Emma had herself under control and had forced the problem into the back of her mind. She had little else to do other than wrap some presents and prepare dinner. They both went and walked on the Plain and had lunch at their favourite pub.

Joanna and Simon arrived at teatime so there was no time for her to become introspective again. Christmas Day went well too, certainly to start with. Jerry and Emma took to the Asquiths straight away. Jerry reminded Clem of where they had met which set them off reminiscing and finding a number of friends and acquaintances they had in common. Freddy fitted in with Joanna and Simon and Emma and Anthea might have been childhood friends.

Everyone buckled to after lunch and helped clear away. Eventually Emma shooed everyone but Anthea out of the kitchen and the two of them started to make tentative plans for the wedding when Emma suddenly went silent.

"What's the matter, dear?" asked Anthea.

"Nothing."

"Tell me."

"It's just that I found a lump in my breast a couple of days ago. The doctor says we've caught it early enough but I can't help worrying and I ... I don't want it to cast a pall over the children's wedding."

Anthea touched her hand. "It won't, Emma dear. They'll have dealt with it long before that."

"I know. I'm being stupid." She smiled. "Sorry, Anthea."

Anthea smiled gently back. "Yes you are but I quite understand."

Emma did her best but the worry was back again. She put her best face on again but it did not fool Jerry. It worked for everyone else though.