Hi folks, as promised this is a shorty. I'd like to thank Mikothe baby for her editing prowess as usual.SS06
"I step off the train. I'm walkin' down your street again and past your door but you don't live there anymore." "It's years since you've been there. And now you've disappeared somewhere." "Like outer space you've found some better place."
"And I miss you. Like the deserts miss the rain."
God, I hate that fucking song but it won't stop playing through my mind over and over again. Maybe it's because it's the theme song to my life. It tells in minute detail how I screwed up what could have been perfect. And the sadness of the music behind it describes, in a way, my regret. Yeah sure, that peppy little dance track behind the vocals and guitar does sound kind of happy, but you have to really listen to understand just how fucking hopeless the whole thing is.
My name is Jenna Sampson. I'm tall and slender. I have the kind of figure that looks good in a bikini. I have long thin legs and long fluffy blond hair. I'm a waitress at a midscale restaurant downtown. I also live downtown so I'm close to the job.
I have to take two subway trains to get here. This used to be the area where I went to college a few years ago so I know it well. It's changed lately though. More and more of these old houses are being bought by YUPPIES and restored. Some of them are beautiful, and even better than they were before. Others, I could do without.
There's one house in particular that I make the long trip out here to see. I once spent a lot of time there. So far it hasn't been redone and I'm kind of hoping it won't be. Seeing that house redone by some upwardly mobile couple would break the links to the most wonderful time in my memory.
It was five years ago. I was only twenty years old and in my second year of college. I was still in that awkward, gawky stage. I was taller than most of the men and boys in most of my classes and that intimidated a lot of them. I had huge glasses and long lifeless hair. I still hadn't shed the braces over my teeth yet either. And I dressed like a cross between a Goth and the carefree Bohemians of the seventies. In other words, even the guys in prison wouldn't screw me.
College is different from high school, but only on the surface. There are still cliques of popular kids and outsiders. I was definitely on the outside. I was that nerdy looking girl who walked quickly from one class to the next with her head down and her arms full of books.
Along came Daniel Benson and my life changed forever. Meeting Dan was like getting struck by lightning. I was heading for my dorm after leaving the library and I guess neither one of us was paying attention to where we were going. We crashed into each other and my term paper went flying all over everywhere.
He helped me gather the pages that I'd so carefully hand written and get them back into order but they were all wet and ruined. I almost started crying. He was very apologetic even though, technically, we were both at fault. He invited me over to his house to redo the paper. He had a nice computer and a printer and told me we could have the paper redone in a couple of hours.
"We could also do it tomorrow, if you have a date or something," he said.
"Tonight is okay," I said. We bonded over doing my paper and I had my first ever beer. As we'd read through the paper and started to re-type it, Danny pointed out lots of things that were wrong with my paper. He improved my sentence structure, my use of punctuation and my word choices. He also pointed out several flawed or downright incorrect conclusions. In short, he made my paper much better than it had been.
That night was only the first of many we would spend together. When the school year ended, I decided to stay in town and I spent a lot of that time in Danny's townhouse. The house he lived in had belonged to a maternal aunt of his. Part of the reason he'd picked our university was the fact the aunt had left him the house when she died and living there would cut his expenses.
Over the course of a year or so, Danny and I fell in love. I never actually moved in with him. Technically and for my parent's sake, I still lived in the dorms, but I spent the majority of my time including most of the nights in Danny's townhouse. I loved him so much that I wanted to do anything I could to please him. And Danny was the first man to ever tell me that he loved me.
The first time he said it, my smile lasted for days. I just knew we'd be together forever. My introduction to the ways of the flesh was an event. Even after I told him I was ready, Danny took his time. He asked me several times if I was sure. He told me that it was a very special gift and it was one that I could only give once.
Even when I assured him that he WAS the one, he planned it out. We went out to see a show that I'd been dying to see and then had dinner in a restaurant that neither of us could afford. When we got home or back to his house, he fumbled getting the door open. His key wouldn't fit. He left me standing there on the long veranda porch that we'd spent so many nights on and he went around the back. I never did figure out until years later that he hadn't actually fumbled at all. I heard someone running around in the house and a few moments later Danny came back to me. He pushed his key smoothly into the lock and the door opened like it was new.
When we got inside, he asked me if I was ready. I was about to burst from lust for him and just a little afraid, but I nodded my head. I wanted him badly and I knew that he'd never hurt me.
We went into the bedroom and I almost cried. There were flower petals all over the floor and a path made of them that led to the bed. There were hundreds of lit scented candles all over the room.
It was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen and I have still never seen anything to equal it, to this day. He spent a lot of time and imagination trying to make my first time special and it really was. Sex between Danny and I was always wonderful. It was never hurried and he always spent a lot of time making sure that I enjoyed it. I just couldn't believe that he saw something that special in me. No one else seemed to.
When my braces came off, he praised my smile. That made me want to impress him even more with the way I looked.
Danny was the first man to ever say anything positive about the way I looked. He thought I was beautiful and told me often. My giant glasses gave way to contacts. A friend took me to a salon to get my hair done for the first time in my adult life and suddenly I was pretty.
I had lots of guys take notice of me that whole summer which built up my confidence. When we returned to classes in the fall, I dressed better and I guess I acted differently. I went from geek to chic over the course of a summer. Suddenly, everyone wanted to invite me to go to parties and everywhere else.
I guess I let the sudden rush of popularity go to my head. I started spending less and less time with Danny. Those wonderful days of fun filled frolics on the beach gave way to nights in clubs with the popular girls and boys. Danny couldn't make time for things like that because he had to study. And he probably wouldn't have fit in anyway. Most of my new friends were wealthy or at least their parents were.
The girls dressed in clothing I could never afford. The guys always acted like everything they saw should belong to them. There were a few who wanted to spend time away from the crowd with me and I did a few times. I figured that it couldn't hurt anything. It wasn't like I was dating someone else, we were just hanging out. Everyone in the school knew that Danny and I were an item. Danny would be glad for me to be happy even if he was busy studying or working.
As time went on, I did more and more of those little get-togethers and spent even more time away from Danny. I'd also started drinking more. After one of those parties, I woke up in someone else's bed with a headache that wouldn't quit. I could tell that someone had sex with me but I didn't remember it.
After that, things changed. The stories went around throughout my new friends that I was available. The next time that I had sex with one of them, I remembered it well. It was awful. Not only did I feel guilty because I'd betrayed Danny but because the guy, Chris Menzies, treated me like a whore. He just pushed me down on the bed, pulled up my skirt and fucked me. He wouldn't take no for an answer and when I told him to stop, he just laughed.
"I'm bored," he said. "I have to do something to amuse myself. So I'll fuck the poor girl. Besides you've already done it before. After the party last week, at least three of us fucked you while you were drunk. You wouldn't want that boyfriend of yours to find out would you? Now shut up and bend over."
"You wouldn't do that would you?" I asked. "We're friends."
"Honey, I'd do it for shits and giggles," he said. "Just seeing the misery it would put you through would be funny as hell and give me something to do. Please don't tell me you're stupid enough to believe all of this bullshit."
"What bullshit?" I asked.
"Every year the girls pick some charity case to hang out with. It improves our image and makes the rest of the campus think that we're not spoiled little rich kids. Last year it was that boy from Somalia. He was a good one because not only did he let everyone know that we aren't snobs, it made them think that we're not racists either. Some of the girls we hang out with really liked fucking him. I think a big part of it for them was that their parents would probably disown them if they ever found out. Unfortunately, he was killed when he went home, so we need another poor person to hang out with."
"That's fucking sick," I said. "You guys picked some poor exchange student to secretly humiliate."
"Not always," he smirked. "This year we got you. And I'm starting to get bored with you already. I have no idea how it's possible but you fuck better passed out drunk than you do when you're awake." He started slamming his dick into me so hard that it hurt, while I just lay there with tears running down my cheeks.
"God damn it," he hissed. "Stop that fucking whining and move. Say something for Christ's sake. After the party, you were begging every guy that stuck his dick into you to fuck you. Of course, you kept calling all of them Danny, but it was good. If you don't get better in the next few minutes, I'll have to go and find Danny and tell him." I started moving my hips hoping it would satisfy him and get it over with faster.
"Please don't tell Danny about the party or this," I whined. "I'll do anything you want. Just don't..."
"He already knows," said Danny from the doorway. Chris and I both turned at the same time. Chris didn't even stop fucking me. I tried to get away but he held me down. Danny just turned and walked away. By the time I got away from Chris, he was gone. I'd run out into the hallway of my dorm room naked and a lot of people were looking at me and whistling.
Danny was already out of the building. As I went back to my room, I found a huge bouquet of flowers and a card that he must have dropped. "Sorry I've been spending so much time studying. I've got a great job lined up. We're probably going to be rich. I love you."
It was signed "Danny."
Chris snatched the card out of my hand and read it and burst out laughing. He dressed and left still laughing, while I sat on my bed and bawled my eyes out.
I tried calling Danny all night. He wouldn't pick up the phone. I tried his cell phone as well. I left him literally hundreds of messages. The next morning I skipped class and went over to his house. His car was in the driveway but no one answered the door.
The lady across the street from him told me that he'd gone to class. He'd ridden his bike, he ... we did that sometimes. I told her I'd wait for him. While she was talking to me, a police car pulled up. The officers told me that someone had called to complain about me loitering on the property. I explained the situation to the officers and they told me that I'd have to come back later. I couldn't just hang around Danny's house. If I had a key I could go inside and wait for him but loitering would get me a fine.
I tried the key Danny had given me and it didn't work. The lady from across the street told me that he'd had a locksmith out to change the locks the previous evening.
Over the next few days I tried constantly to catch Danny, to no avail. I couldn't catch him at home although I was sure that several of the times that I visited him he was home. He wouldn't accept my phone calls or texts. And I also couldn't catch him at class. It was as if anytime I went to one of his classes, he'd either not show up or slip out of the room before I could catch him. Once I did catch him and he stayed after class to speak to his professor.
I waited knowing that as soon as he was done with his questions I'd catch him. Danny ended up leaving the class with the professor and going to the prof's office with him. The professor was allowed to use the staff elevator and he took Danny on the elevator with him. I had to take the stairs. I'd gone up to the office and parked myself on a bench outside of the room, I was sure that this time I'd caught him. I waited outside of that office for an hour and a half only to find out that the professor came out alone. Danny had asked his supposed question on the elevator and taken the back stairs out of the building while I was running up the stairs to the office.
That went on for a few weeks. Over that time, it actually got out what had happened. A lot of the students and staff at the college seemed to enjoy helping Danny avoid me. All of my new friends wanted to avoid me too. They treated me like I was carrying the plague. Because of me, it got out that they really were assholes and no one wanted to have anything to do with them. It's really tough to be popular when everyone hates your guts.
People all over campus went out of their way to help Danny avoid me. I think a lot of them thought that I wanted to hurt him more by rubbing what I did in his face, but that wasn't it at all. What I really wanted was for him to forgive me and take me back.
The longer I stayed separated from Danny, the worse it got. My symptoms actually started to manifest themselves in physical way, or so I thought. Besides the depression and the realization that I had FUBARed my life, I started running a slight fever and I was sick most mornings. I went to the doctor and discovered that it wasn't the separation from Danny, I was pregnant. When my doctor and I went over my time line I realized in horror that the baby wasn't Danny's and my life went into a toilet.
It was very difficult for me to contact Chris because he didn't want to have anything to do with me. I had to speak to my parent's and get a lawyer from the legal aid association to contact Chris and force him to give up the names of the other men at the party that I'd had sex with. Chris was all too willing to rat out his friends in the desperate hope that one of them was the father of my child. All of the men lawyered up and refused to offer me any type of aid or help until the baby was born and a DNA test proved their responsibility.
I clung wildly to one hope, even though the math wasn't with me. I got a phone call late one evening from Danny. And it started my heart to fluttering.
"Is there the possibility that I might be the father?" he asked. It was weird. There was no preamble. He just got right to the point.
"Wow, hello, Jenna. How are you? It's been a long time since we've spoken. I've missed you. We really should get together," I said.
"What are you talking about?" he asked.
"Those are all of the things you should have said before just asking me if it was you who got me pregnant," I said.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because that would be the polite thing to do," I said. "I haven't seen you in nearly two months. You don't call. You don't write. Whatever happened to Jenna, I love you?"
"That was all erased when I caught you screwing that guy and heard about the others," he said tersely.
"Danny that was all a mistake. You need to let me explain what was going on. They just used me," I said.
"Jenna, you don't need to explain anything. You're a full grown woman. You can make your own choices. I didn't own you. I loved you. I just wanted to find out if it was possible that I was the father of your child. If I am, I'll do the right thing," he said.
"Danny, what is the right thing?" I asked.
"Help take care of you during your pregnancy. Help you out financially and be in my child's life," he said.
"Danny, a child needs to have a good home life. One parent living with it and another absentee parent isn't the best possible situation," I told him.
"Then, I'll marry you," he said. I started crying right then and there. It was what I wanted more than anything. It was what was supposed to happen.
"Danny, it can't possibly be your baby. You and I hadn't had sex in over three weeks when I supposedly conceived. It has to be either Chris or one of the guys at the party. I love you too much to lie to you. If we're going to be together, I want us to be honest with each other. We love each other and I know that we can get past..."
"Have a nice life, Jenna," he said interrupting my flow. Then all I heard was the dial tone. A small part of my heart died that day. I have never seen or heard from Danny since then. I've spent many a restless night wondering about him and where he was or what he was doing.
"Could you be dead? You always were two steps ahead of everyone"
"We'd walk behind while you would run"
"I look up at your house. I can almost hear you shout down to me where I always used to be"
"And I miss you. Like the deserts miss the rain"
For the rest of the school year I was miserable. I was sick all of the time. I was sick both emotionally and physically. Emotionally, I missed Danny and I realized what a fool I'd been. Physically, I was weak and feverish and just sick all of the time. All of that shit that you see on TV about pregnant women being radiant and it being the best time of their lives is for the birds. I didn't have morning sickness; I had all day sickness. It felt like I was constantly throwing up.
Chris and his buddies constantly harassed me. What they really wanted me to do was disappear. If I just left school and went away, it would be less embarrassing for them. When I did run into them they laughed at me and picked on me.
"That bitch just won't leave here," he told his friends once. "I don't know if she can't get enough of my dick or if she just thinks she's going to get some money out of my family. But she's not getting either one. I can't say that I blame her though. If I was a girl I'd want to fuck me too. I blew that pussy out. Her boyfriend came over to watch and she didn't even care." Chris was performing in front of some guys on campus. I got so mad that I just went after him. I wasn't big and fat or ungainly but my stomach had begun to expand. And I was off balance. I leapt at him and he deftly avoided me. Too deftly as a matter of fact because I fell heavily onto my stomach and the pain was so intense that I blacked out.
What did Chris and his friends do? They just walked away and left me there on the sidewalk hemorrhaging blood. What kind of man walks away from a bleeding woman who may be carrying his child? What a fool I was.
I woke up several hours later in the hospital, with one less problem. I know that I sound callous and cold, but in my mind, the loss of my child gave me the best chance of trying to get back with Danny. There was also the fact that the child hadn't been conceived in anything near love. I would have resented it for its whole life. Every time I looked into its eyes, I'd have remembered that making it cost me the love of my life. Its father was also definitely not worth a damn, so what kind of life would it have had?
The next year, when I returned to school, my heart wasn't in it. I hadn't taken my finals the year before and was going to have to repeat all of those classes from my previous term. I was determined to find Danny and make him listen to me. That was what meant the most to me. I'd spent the summer convinced that he thought that I loved Chris and those other guys more than I loved him and I intended to make sure he knew that wasn't the case. Maybe if he realized that I loved only him and the other guys were nothing more than drunken or coerced sex, he'd give me another chance.
I had no such luck though. Danny had transferred to another school. He wanted to A) be closer to his new job. And B) be further away from me and all of the bad memories I brought to the table.