Chapter 5

"What's wrong?" I asked and took a step towards her.

"I'm fine," she replied through her tears and looked at me shaking her head. "Why me?"

"Because I really like you. And well you are, you're everything I want in a girlfriend."

Abi scoffed at me, "I'm really not who you think I am. I am not everything you want, trust me. I have a lot of baggage and I will end up hurting you, and I don't want that."

My heart was beating furiously and I searched around her lounge for inspiration. How could I express my feelings in a way that didn't sound pathetic and over-emotional? I sighed and pointed her towards the mirror on the wall. "Paula used to get me to do this and I can't explain this any other way. Look into it, what do you see?" She shrugged and I went behind her. "Who do you see?"

"I don't know, Andy. I see me," she muttered and I saw her eyes well up again.

"You see your flaws. You see the things you hate about yourself. The things you would rather no-one else saw or knew." Abi nodded meekly but didn't say anything. "I look in the mirror and see this beautiful girl. Confident. Smart. Understanding. Impossibly flirtatious and sexy. Incredible company and just complete perfection."

"I'm not perfect, Andy. I'm anything but and if you think I am you will be disappointed," she said tearfully.

"Sorry, I forgot modest."

Abi turned round, her eyes full of tears. "I'm being serious."

"So am I." I wiped her tears from her cheeks. "I know you're not and I don't want you to be."

Abi gave me a hug and held me tightly for a few moments. "I have many dark secrets in my life that you won't like so don't think of me like that. I want to be friends with you but I can't be your girlfriend."

I felt my heart sink. "So you have issues, you have a dark past. It doesn't matter. I like you just the way you are." I gulped and took a deep breath. "I've not known anyone like you. I just enjoy being in your company and I mean it when I say I really hope you stick around Aylesbury for more than a few months.

She smiled and bit her lip.

"I like being around you too, but if you knew..."

"If I knew what?"

Abi shook her head. "Coming here and meeting you, and Grace. Seeing Angela again. It's done me the world of good. I didn't think it would but I can't explain it. So I do want to stick around, but I have some things in my past and I need to sort them out."

"That's fine, but that doesn't mean we can't go out, surely?"

Abi burst in tears and shook her head. "I'm sorry. I just can't be in a relationship with anyone right now. I just can't."

I felt emptier than I had ever done in my whole life: what was wrong with me? I was keen to get away from Abi in some respects but Abi was fairly upset after I asked her out, so I stayed for longer than I probably should have done. She was suddenly very tense and apprehensive around me whereas before she was carefree and happy. She kissed me as I left and told me she wished things could be different but she couldn't get involved in a committed relationship right now. I almost resented her a little for it, but always knew that she was out of my league. I hoped and aspired for something I clearly could not have.

I phoned Sarah when I got home. She sounded happier than I was feeling and said she wished she could be with me but I was glad her parents had grounded her, as I simply couldn't face her bubbly demeanour. I loved her for it, but I needed someone to talk to who knew me. I needed a Paula or a Ray but Paula was in Bournemouth and Ray came with Donna.

I needed a friend; what I got was Rhea.

"Turned you down, has she?" she taunted when she returned for lunch.

"Hmmmm, yes. She said she didn't want a relationship" I found myself saying. I had been brooding on the sofa for two hours and not even turned the television on. Rhea's baiting nature disappeared immediately.

"Oh I'm sorry bro, did she really?"

I exhaled deeply. "Yeah, it's not to be."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked concerned.

"No, not really." I said getting up from the couch. "I just want to get away from it."

"You know, Becky likes you. I'd set you up on a date. She's got big knockers and everything."

I smiled at her. "You're OK Rhea. Thanks, but I want Abi."

"Or Sarah?"

"Yeah. Or Sarah" I found myself admitting, dreamily, but both of them were well out of my league.

Mum sensed that something was wrong but didn't ask and Rhea didn't tell, at least not while I was present. I spent most of the day idling around, and doing nothing much. I sent my film off to Bonusprint for developing and put a load of my clothes into the washing machine but I spent too long worrying about Abi.

What was Abi's dark secret? I pondered too much about this. Was she running from the Police? Unlikely. The mafia? Possibly, or was that me spending too much time watching the Godfather? Was she secretly pregnant? Probably not as to my mind she was too slim to be knocked up. Was she here as she was in trouble with one of my cousins? But most of all, why was I so sure that Abi was the person who could make me happy, and what would happen if Sarah was single again? There was a definite spark between myself and my classmate.

I knew none of the answers but it did not stop speculating about Abi. It dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, I had fallen for my image of Abi, a construction of what I thought she would be and should be. Perhaps, I was enchanted by a mirage that did not exist; possessed by Ruritanian fantasy that was no more real than the fairies at the end of the garden. Or was it possible that it was her flaws that attracted me, as much as her strengths, and that I wanted her not despite of her past but because of it? Perhaps I was attracted to her because she was complicated and worldly and not shallow and sheltered like so many of the girls I met in this affluent corner of the country.

At dinner Julie spoke excitedly about her holiday to the beaches of the Mediterranean and my silence was not noticed in between Rhea's wind ups and Julie's enthusiasm. Julie had purchased another two bikinis and Rhea's eyes lit up in excitement. I just hoped for Julie's sake that they were going to be well hidden or else Julie would be displaying her worldly charms to everyone! Mum disappeared to work at 7pm but promised to be back early as she was taking Julie and Oliver to the airport early the following morning.

I was in bed staring at the ceiling by 8pm; it was easier than talking. I had never been rejected before and I felt disheartened and miserable; I just wanted to be left alone as I had no idea what to do.

The flat was empty when I got up and showered. Rhea was in bed, and Julie and Mum were en route to Heathrow. I got myself some breakfast and idled down to the Club, but Mr Asuni was not in and the back door was firmly locked. I sat on the bottom of the fire escape and opened my book to read.

Ikenna Asuni arrived a few minutes later in his black BMW and greeted me with his usual deep voice.

"You're keen," he chuckled as he unlocked the back door and unset the alarm.

Ikenna showed me briefly around the Club and it was a lot like I had imagined. My mum had detailed what areas of the club I should be allowed access to, and which bits I was not – namely the stage, upstairs VIP areas and the changing rooms. The club had no sunlight (our flat was on top of the club) but Ikenna flicked a switch behind the bar, and a few seconds later the entire area was bathed in an artificial bright glow.

To begin with, I cleaned all the smaller round tables around the stage and wiped down all the chairs removing crumbs onto the floor and removing spilt drinks and chewing gum from the furniture. I repeated this on the dozen or so booths that surrounded the tables that were stickier and dirtier.

Ikenna helped me move the small tables on around the stage to one side then showed me how to use the industrial hoover and carpet cleaner. He was busy sorting out the bars that were on a raised platform and after I vacuumed and cleaned the carpet around the stage, I did the same by the bars and then in the reception area.

Every few minutes I had to change the water in the carpet cleaner and Ikenna laughed when I suggested that this had never been done before. The water was black and full of dirt. As Ikenna explained, the carpet was cleaned three times a week and other things such as lights, skirting-boards, dado rails, walls and doors were cleaned weekly on different days. I knew I would earn my money but I did not mind; I was just grateful to be given the chance.

I was very careful to make sure I did a good job and not miss anything but was also keen to ensure that I progressed at a decent speed. I did not want to be seen as either sloppy or slow.

By 11am my mother arrived and greeted Ikenna but said nothing to me. She watched me for awhile polish the tables and then moved into the Office with Ikenna, who emerged twenty minutes later and showed me where the mop and bucket was and told me to do the same to the bar areas.

The other cleaner, Mrs Pollitt arrived shortly afterwards but already knew who I was and what I was doing. She seemed nice enough, chatting briefly after introducing herself as Estelle. I helped carry the vacuum cleaner and carpet cleaner up the stairs that lead around the stage to the upper floor and the VIP rooms as I did not think it was right to let a middle-aged women carry such equipment on her own when I was able to do so for her.

I saw Mum disappear for an hour; she said she was having lunch with Alicia and I just nodded as she left, returning just as it reached 2pm and I had finished. Ikenna and Mum checked what I had done looking meticulously at the tables and then the carpet. Apart from a small spill underneath one of the tills, an area of the bar I had intentionally avoided, they found no fault and even joked that if I stayed they would need to get new tables as I would "polish the varnish off."

Mum thanked me for my hard work and I left. I was glad of the four hours I had spent in the club as it had taken my mind of Abi completely but I was back to worrying about her again and I was not sure what would stop me.

It was Ray; he had come to the flat and left a message with Rhea that Donna, her cousin and himself were planning to watch Deep Impact at 4.30pm in the cinema's cheap viewing and that my presence was demanded at the pub opposite from 3.30pm onwards after he had finished working at his mothers' bakery.

The pub opposite, the White Lion, was a popular haunt for cinema goers but by the time 3.30pm had come around my mood had deteriorated dramatically. Rhea's ceasefire had well and truly ended and by 3pm I was shouting at her across the lounge. Rhea rarely cried or got too upset, but by the time I left she had barricaded herself in her room to avoid me and I felt more angry and vicious than ever. I was sure I would pay for it later, but didn't care: Rhea was not the only one who was allowed to get angry.

Ray saw me at the bar, without his companions and cheerfully greeted me. He had known me for long enough to know when I was not in a happy mood, but my lack of reciprocation towards his lively welcome did not seem to register with him. He chatted cheerfully and enthusiastically about Donna, a smile barely leaving his face as he spoke. I know now that it was selfish and petty, but I almost resented his happiness given that the person I wanted was so unavailable; I didn't want him to be so cheery.

The pub was not busy but the serving girl at the bar was not only slow but also managed to ignore us three times and serve newer customers before us. "Oi," I shouted aggressively to get her attention when were ignored for a fourth time. "Are we bloody invisible or are you just blind?" She looked around nervously and I continued. "Ten minutes we've been here waiting for you!"

"Mate," Ray said calmly.

"Is there a problem here?" a tall middle-aged guy in a black shirt asked behind us. He had been collecting the empty glasses and stacking them in the corner of the bar without paying attention to anyone else before.

"Actually there is. We've been here for ten minutes and totally ignored while she fannies about..."

"Andy, calm down, it's fine," Ray interjected, putting a hand on my shoulder that I instantly shook off.

"You better calm down or you won't be getting served as I'll be throwing you out," the barman said menacingly in a deep, firm voice. He pointed to a sign on the wall that read "Rules of the Inn". "We have rules in here for how to behave and if you can't then you can leave."

I was about to respond when Ray sent me outside to sit on the one of the outdoor tables and chairs while he got the drinks.

"What was all that about?" he asked as soon as he returned to the table with two lemonades and a packet of peanuts. I did not explain to Ray about Abi or Rhea's baiting, and he did not ask any further when I brushed off his question. He started talking about Donna and I tuned out of the conversation, nodding occasionally and staring out at the wildlife over the canal.

By 4pm there was no sign of Donna, or her cousin and 4.20pm I was getting more than a little frustrated. The cheaper priced tickets only existed for the afternoon viewings, due to the decreased number of people visiting the cinema, and if we weren't at the box office within five minutes we wouldn't get in.

4.25pm came and went and so did 4.30pm. At ten to five, Donna appeared with tall light haired girl who she introduced as her cousin Astrid, by which time I could feel I was on a short fuse. I felt exasperated and wound up. I could feel my shoulders being pressed towards the ground and a tenseness in the back of my neck.

"Fathers side" Ray mouthed to me in explanation as the short half-caste black haired girl stood next to the exact opposite of her cousin.

"Sorry we're late," Donna said as she sat down with a Coke. Astrid climbed in next to me also with a drink and a packet of crisps.

"It's my fault," Astrid simpered her face full of Cheese and Onion crisps. "I just couldn't decide what to wear. I was going to wear a little black skirt but it just made my bum look massive and..."

I could feel my frustration boiling over as I brushed off a crumb of crisp that Astrid has spat over me. "You don't think it's got anything to do with the crisps then?" I asked with a faux calmness and she stopped.

"What?" asked Donna.

"You thinking a particular garment makes you have a fat arse is at all related to you having a fat arse because you stuff your face with crisps?"

Donna stared at me, open mouthed. "That's so rude."

"Oh, and turning up an hour and twenty minutes so we miss the film, isn't rude then?"

"Andy, look, if you don't want to..." Ray started but I ignored him and looked at Donna.

" ... and then turn up and blame it all on some ill-fitting garment made by children in god knows what sort of sweat shop for a dollar a day or something when the truth is because you stuff your face with crisps and..."

"ANDY!" Ray shouted, cutting off my rant.

"Sarah said you were so nice. She is so wrong," Donna screamed at me hysterically and I shrugged.

"Well I like Sarah, she doesn't turn up late and behave like a spoilt bitch..."

I didn't finish as Donna launched her Coke towards me and hit me squarely in the face.

I stood up shaking my T-Shirt and she stared at me. "You know what, fuck you. Fuck the film. Fuck..." I shouted, waving my arm at her and stepped over the bench. Ray leapt up from his seat and I clenched my fists. I could feel the anger inside my welling up, the frustration from Abi coursing through my veins and anxious to have an outlet.

"I warned you," cried the barman taking strides towards me but I ignored him.

"Go on," I told Ray, staring at his confused gaze. Donna tugged at his shirt to sit back down and glared at me.

I felt an arm on my shoulder and turned to see the barman pulling me. "Get out. That is not the language I want in my pub. You're barred." I shook my shoulder and he pushed me towards the gate in the corner of the beer garden.

"And fuck you too" I shouted at him, my eyes glaring at them and left, kicking the pub specials board into the flowerbed as I went.

Rhea and Mum both looked suspiciously at me when I came in, Coke in my hair, T-Shirt and arms. It had dried on the way home, was very sticky and uncomfortable and I just wanted a shower. They said nothing, but I knew I would be quizzed later.

I felt bad for the way I had reacted to everything. I had been completely unreasonable and knew it. Part of me knew I was doing so at the time, but also part of me didn't care. Donna and Astrid had been unfair also, but what had Ray done? Or Rhea?

To her credit, Mum didn't ask any questions over tea and Rhea was still bruised from our shouting match earlier in the day, to even try and talk to me, so we ate in near silence, which suited me.

Sarah rang not long after Mum had gone to work and asked to speak to me. Rhea hesitated before passing the phone to me and then left me alone unprompted, although I suspect she was just at the top of the stairs listening in.

Donna had phoned Sarah immediately she returned home and relayed my antics from the pub, with Ray's account of the previous altercation, and she immediately asked if I was OK and what had happened but I was not in a talkative mood and she sensed that. I told her I was fine, had been unreasonable (as had Donna) and regretted what I said. It was nice hearing Sarah's voice again, she sounded so reassuring and calm, and I wished she was with me but knew that it was better she wasn't and made my excuses after a short time; I just needed to be alone.

I opened up the club with Mum at 9.30am the following morning. As well as vacuuming the carpets, wiping down the chairs and tables and cleaning the bar, I also had to wipe down the intricate dado rail that ran the length of the club. This had accumulated a large amount of dirt and grime over the previous seven days and the cleaning cloth I was using was filthy by the time I had finished.

Mum was happy that I had cleaned the areas I was responsible for to an adequate standard and thanked me. "Andy," she called as I jumped down the steps into the main area to leave. "Are you planning to see Abi today?" I froze and then shook my head. What did she know about Abi and I? Why was she asking? "Abi was very upset last night and she wants to speak to you."

"She knows where I am, or has she suddenly forgotten?" I responded quickly and coldly. I didn't mean it, but felt if Abi wanted to talk to me then she should do it to me rather than through my mother. That was the behaviour of a twelve year old.

"She needs to speak to you when you are ready. She has gone through a tough time recently and we are all very worried about her. Please go talk to her." I groaned. "For me?" she implored. "Abi needs us. She needs you. It's tough for her."

I huffed at her. "OK. I will see her."

Mum smiled. "It's just you liked her enough to ask her out. It seems a bit silly that you don't want to see her now she's a bit upset. All she wants to do is be friendly."

"OK," I blurted. "I get it."

"'Cause you've looked after her so well," she continued. "And I think it would a be nice gesture to go and see her, she'll be at home this afternoon."

"Right," I snapped and grabbed my wallet and keys from the side. Mum grinned and I couldn't help feeling that I had been manipulated.

As much as it pained me to admit Mum was completely right. I very much did like Abi and I was being a "sore loser" in the dating game. She made me laugh and feel good about myself; she was certainly sexy and flirtatious. Why was I being cold to a lovely and sexy female stripper who just wanted to spend time with me?

I had rehearsed me asking Abi out in my mind and I had just expected her to say yes and flock into my arms if I had the courage to do it. My brain might have told me that I was a hundred to one shot, but my heart told that I was destined to go out with her. I thought she had been flirty so she would get my attention and that she wanted to date me.

I, of course, was wrong, but if I wasn't going to get a date out of it, would a friendship with Abi be such an awful consolation prize?

I barely had to knock when Angela answered the door.

"Oh, hi Andy" she called. She smiled when she saw me and had her jacket and shoes on.

"I didn't realise you didn't have heating," I joked nodding towards her clothing and she smirked.

"I presume you're here to see Abi?" she asked and I nodded. "Well tell her I'm going to see my nephew and then gone to the shops, and ... umm ... be easy on her."

"I have been," I muttered defensively.

Angela gave me a wry look. "She's not had a good couple of days, keeps getting very weepy and I am a bit scared about her. We all are. Just treat her gently." I felt a little chastised but knocked gently on Abi's door and heard a "come in" in response.

I tentatively opened the door to see Abi sat up in bed, topless and reading a book. Her hair cascaded over the side of her face and covered her ample and beautiful breasts perfectly.

"Andy," she shrieked and bounded out of bed to hug me. I was tongue-tied as she threw her arms around me, her naked body pressed against mine. "I'm so glad you came."

"Mum made me." She looked up at me, her eyes welling up. "But I wanted to. I didn't know if you wanted to see me."

Abi squeezed me tightly. "Of course I do, I just wanted to give you some space, after ... what happened." There was silence for a moment as I hugged her tightly. "I didn't want to upset you. I s'pose I should have handled it a bit better."

I pursed my lips. "I'm ... I'm fine." She looked up and we parted from our embrace. "Abi, I don't think you're wearing any knickers."

She laughed and shrugged. "I don't care."

I felt my dick begin to stiffen but thanks to pants and shorts I don't think Abi noticed.

"I'm having a duvet day," she rationalised and I nodded.

Abi climbed back into her bed and I sat on top of her duvet. It was too warm to be in bed and clothed and I did not think it to be appropriate to try and jump into bed naked with her.

"Are you sure you're OK?" she asked breaking the silence.

"Yeah. A little disappointed, but I understand. I really do like you, you know that and if I can be friends with you. Spend some time with you. Well that's not all bad, is it?" I told her, looking at my hands and not her exposed bosom.

Abi listened and shrugged. "I do want a friendship with you and I wish it could be different but I have just come out of a really, really bad relationship and I can't be in another one just now. I mean, I do like you and I knew you liked the look of me. I saw it in your eyes the moment you walked into your flat."

I smirked nervously. "Tell me about it. The first time in front of anyone I've been lost for words. I can't explain it"

"No. And I teased you. I know I shouldn't have but I've always liked teasing and flirting but I just didn't feel comfortable doing it again until we went to town. I've not felt so relaxed for months but I didn't expect you to ask to date me. I suppose I was the girl you mentioned in the car outside Sarah's."

"Yes, you are. Although I didn't think I'd have the courage to ask."

"I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to want me."

"Abi, stop being so hard on yourself. You really are a ... nice girl."

Abi gave a hollow smile and shook her head. "I'm not. You only want me because I am a stripper!"

I scowled. "No. I want you because I think we would make a good couple and I just love spending time with you. And because you a wonderful."

Abi blushed and shook her head. "I'm not," she said with a derisive grunt.

"Why not? Why do you think you're not?" I asked her, a little assertively, and she pointed towards the big bruise on top of my shin. "So you lost your temper. I got barred from a pub yesterday because I was in a foul mood." She looked at me with raised eyebrows and I added. "You don't want to know, but Ray and Donna aren't speaking to me anymore and I did kick the pub specials board into the flower bed. Things got to me."

Abi took a deep breath and looked away from me. "I didn't want to tell you this. At all. But Grace thinks it might be a good idea to tell you. She thinks you might understand, but I don't want to but..."

"Tell me what?"

Abi took a deep breath and bit her lip, wiping her eyes. "Something," she gulped and sighed. "Promise me you won't think any worse of me."

I promised, my heart thumping in my chest; she paused for a moment and her hands started shaking. I tried to hold them but she took them off me and stared down at them.

"You know I was born in Scotland and I had a good life there. I started working for a solicitor called Margaret Partridge when I failed to get into drama school and things were going well for me. Then one month, she died and my boyfriend cheated on me and left. I met Angela at Margaret's funeral. She was dating Margaret's son at the time and she invited me down to Birmingham after we had spent a fortnight together."

I looked at her and she shrugged. "It was a complicated estate and Eddie – Margaret's son – had his hands full. In Birmingham, Angela introduced me to lap-dancing clubs as easy way to make money and I enjoyed it. It's fun and well, reasonably safe. She liked it as she could work it 'round her degree."

"There's nothing to be ashamed about that," I started but she put her hand on mine.

"Please ... let me finish. Well I met this guy, Gavin. He was nice enough at first but things got a bit nasty after I moved in. I knew he was cheating on me, but I felt trapped. Angela moved back to Watford after Eddie found out about her lap-dancing last Summer and I started doing shifts at a massage parlour for a bit of extra cash."

"A massage parlour. Where you do massages?"

Abi spluttered. "Where I get fucked for money." Abi burst into tears and I scooted up to put my arm around her.

"That's well ... a bit unusual ... but not totally..."

She buried her face in her hands and started sobbing, my arm still around her body. What was I supposed to do? I felt just as helpless with Abi as I had done with Sarah. I waited until she had finished and asked her. "What's wrong? It's fine?"

"You don't get it! I was a prostitute. A whore. That's why my family don't talk to me anymore, they found out."

I blinked; was I missing something? Half of the girls at the club had had sex for money at least once (Mum told me once when she was a little bit tipsy) and the cheap hotel nearby had a special couple of rooms for the girls who took "punters" home after a session at the club. If I had been asked, had Abi ever prostituted herself, I would have replied that it was very possible.

It obviously meant a lot to Abi. She didn't want to have told me, and while it would have been more of a problem to me if we were dating and she was "on the game," the fact that it was in her past, was just that: it was in her past. "It doesn't matter," I eventually said. "Loads of girls have done it, haven't they?"

"It does matter. Gavin forced me and took all the money I earned. Every blow job earned him more whisky. Every fuck more casino time. And when I wasn't fucking for cash I was being his skivvy or getting beaten. Not enough money and he'd start with the punches."

I looked into her eyes. "Abi ... I'm so ... I didn't know," I stammered and picked up her hand.

"I know."

"But, why didn't you leave?"

"I did but it took me months to build up the courage but something happened and I had to. That's why I am here in Aylesbury," she answered.

I looked at her as was a touch evasive and then took a deep breath. "This doesn't change how I feel about you. You still make me happy. You still make me laugh. You're still awesome."

"I'm still a prostitute. A stripper. I'm still hated my family and all around me, and I still hurt people trying to help."

I gulped. "If that's what you are worried about then I don't care and don't mind. I still want to date you if you want a relationship with me."

Abi shook her head. "I'm a long way from being able to have a relationship with anyone." She wiped her eyes. "Sorry Andy. Really I am. You're a great guy but I'm not for you."

"So what happens now?" I asked and she shrugged.

"I don't know. I didn't expect you'd to want to see me again after I told you."

"For God's sake, Abi!" I exclaimed at her. "I don't know why you think I'd think so poorly of you?"

Tears started streaming down her face again. "It's not easy understanding people after being beaten for several months for being useless and lazy." she cried. "I don't understand you at all."

"OK," I said with raised eyebrows and took my shirt off.

"Andy, what are you doing?"

"May I?" I asked and held out the duvet.