Chapter 1: Burned Out

I was sitting in the conference room long after everyone had left. I looked at my watch and saw it was almost eight o'clock. Today had been the culmination of over a year's hard work. The merger of Dollard Corporation and Cumberland Holdings had been the most difficult thirteen months of my life. I couldn't count the number of times I wondered why these two corporations wanted to get together. They had nothing other than their products in common and made it plain they could barely tolerate each other.

That spirit of acrimony made my life more difficult than it needed to be. However, that's why they paid me the big bucks. It was my job to herd these two mid-sized corporations into a union for their common good. Two big North American hardware manufacturers that were about to see their businesses vanish under a tsunami of Chinese product if they weren't careful.

There were days when I went home to my apartment and felt like I'd been beaten with a stick for ten hours. Now that the details had finally been worked out and the two sides had at least agreed to an unarmed truce, I didn't have the energy to celebrate. Whether their new corporation would survive was entirely up to them. My company would collect its fee regardless. A fee based on putting a nearly four-and-one-half billion dollar conglomerate in place to retool and rethink their strategy for the coming ten years.

I didn't do it alone, of course. But I was the point man and, if anything went wrong that destroyed the talks, it would be my responsibility. In the end it was my strategy, worked out with my team, and my neck if we were wrong. In this case, we pulled it out by the skin of our teeth.

I leaned back in the big, padded leather chair, closed my eyes and sighed deeply. It was over but I didn't have any sense of elation or victory, only relief that it was done. What the hell was I going to do now? I had no energy and no will to move on.

I had been doing this for the last ten years when I joined Halverson and Clifton Associates from Wharton. This had been my third sizeable merger where I took the lead. The first two had been "a piece of cake." This one ... well ... I wondered if my bosses hadn't chosen me to find out if I had the stamina and cleverness to succeed. It was never going to be easy but I had no idea how difficult it would turn out to be.

Five years ago I was married with a lovely wife and a nice apartment in Chicago. Today I was divorced and living alone in different apartment. The divorce was amicable. I was married to both Marie and my job and, in her opinion, that was one too many wives. We had met in college and married when I completed my undergraduate degree. When I went for my MBA she supported me while I studied.

The MBA got me a job at HCA and a fast track to a big salary. Unfortunately, it also got me a divorce. Marie was unwilling to spend the occasional weekend with me as our only alone time. We parted as friends, but we parted. I had a sense of failure that I couldn't quite get over and it had hung with me ever since. I couldn't blame her of course. It was all on me. I was the one who neglected her so I was the guilty party.

Now, five years later and at a very young 33, I was wondering if this was what I wanted to do any more. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I had taken less than a dozen days off over the past year when working on the merger. I'd forgotten what it was like to have some time to myself and do what I wanted to do without thinking about that fucking merger. So ... what now?

I pushed myself up out of the chair, closed my briefcase and laptop, slung the bag over my shoulder and headed for the elevators. My stomach was rumbling as I descended the eighteen floors to the lobby. The coffee shop was closed so I walked out onto Michigan Avenue and headed off toward home. It was only a few blocks and if I found a quick place to grab a sandwich along the way I could stop for a few minutes. Nothing was urgent right this minute.

I'd forgotten about Porkchop Pete's, the upscale tavern just a couple of blocks from the office. It took less than a second to decide it was my next destination. It wasn't busy on that Wednesday night. Plenty of booth space available and I chose one not far from the bar and facing the big screen TV. An attractive young lady appeared almost as I was seating myself and took my simple order, a beer and a burger.

There were highlights of some long ago golf game on the TV. I recognized Nicklaus, Player, and Weiskopf and watched as they battled it out in some tournament from the seventies I supposed. The focus was fuzzy and the color washed out but it didn't hide the fact that those guys could play. The game I was watching was probably played before I was born but I knew who the main combatants were.

The beer arrived and the burger followed a couple of minutes later with a side of potato chips. Perfect! I turned my attention back to the TV. It was the Golf Channel and they were obviously marking time until the next tournament started tomorrow. It reminded me that I had a corporate membership at the Beverly Country Club but, when I thought back, I couldn't remember the last time I'd played there. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I'd played golf anywhere.

Hell of a thing for a guy my age and once the proud possessor of a nine handicap to realize he hadn't played for so long that he wasn't even sure where his clubs were. Fuck that! Something's got to change. I'd been thinking about it for a while now. When I was honest with myself I knew I wasn't enjoying my job. It wasn't just the recent battle but it had been gnawing at me for some time. Is this what I wanted for a career? For my life's work? I know guys who would kill for my job, especially with all the perks and the paycheck.

When Marie left she took nothing in the divorce. Her parents were wealthy and she had a very good job with a nice salary. Nothing like mine of course, but six figures nonetheless. She said she would have felt the money was tainted somehow. It was what had driven us apart and she didn't want any part of it. I shook my head at the notion but didn't argue the point with her.

I remembered when my father got ill and took a leave of absence from his company. They suspended his salary but carried his health insurance even after he had used up all his accumulated holidays and sick days. He had worked for a steel fabrication company and luckily he was able to go back to work before he and Mom had to dip very far into their savings. He took an early retirement as soon as it was offered and they moved to Arizona. His old company doesn't exist any more. I hadn't seen my parents in almost a year-and-a-half. They were suffering the same fate as my ex-wife. I was missing from their lives.

Maybe it was time for me to take a leave of absence. I'd dedicated a good chunk of my working days to this company. I'd just made them a boatload of money. I should be granted some consideration for what I'd gone through. Yeah, maybe that was the solution. Take a leave of absence. Recharge the batteries. Three weeks wasn't going to be enough. Hell, three months wasn't going to be enough the way I was thinking. Why not go for six months ... even a year? Well, I wouldn't know unless I tried.

The waitress took my plate and I agreed to another beer while I was thinking. What the hell would I do if I was off for six months or more? Money wasn't a problem. I'd be getting a mega-bonus from the merger and it was locked in, so no risk there. I hadn't been spending much of my salary and bonuses since my divorce so I could survive at least a year without a paycheck.

So what if they refused my request? Fuck 'em! I'll resign. I can get another job tomorrow with my experience. In fact, maybe I'll use that MBA I've got to get a job where I might be in charge instead of just the go-to guy. Shit, if I sold my apartment I could probably buy a small business if it came to that. Yeah! I wasn't in any rush to jump back into the fire. Wasn't it time to please myself for a change? I wonder what Marie would say if she heard my thoughts. She'd be pissed, I know. I couldn't blame her.

"Terry Monahan to see Brant Gooding, please," I announced to the secretary. She was new and very attractive in a mature way. She didn't know me so I made sure she knew my name.

"Yes, Mr. Monahan, Mr. Gooding's expecting you," she smiled.

Nice, professional. I walked past her to Brant's office, knocked twice on the closed door and then entered.

"Good morning, Terry," Brant said, rising from his desk and extending his hand. "Congratulations on the successful completion of the Cumberland/Dollard merger. That was a fine piece of work and there'll be a big bonus in it for you and your team."

"Thank you, Brant. I'm just glad to see the end of it. It wasn't a particularly pleasant experience."

"Ah well, the key word is experience, Terry. The things you learned in that process will last you your whole career."

"Perhaps so, but right now I'm thinking more about taking a break. I don't have any energy to start another project right now. Actually, I came today to talk about a leave of absence."

I saw the look of surprise on his face. He wasn't expecting this at all. He must have assumed I was all revved up to tackle another merger. He couldn't have been more wrong.

"A leave of absence? What about a vacation? God knows you've earned it. But a leave of absence? How long were you thinking of?" he asked, wary of my possible answer.

"To be honest, I was thinking of six months at a minimum, possibly as long as a year." There, I'd said it. There was no going back now.

"A year! Are you serious?" he said, his face turning red and barely able to contain what I assumed was anger.

"I'm burned out. I gave this merger thirteen months of my time with almost no relief. I don't have the energy to do it again right now. In fact, I'm not sure I want to do it again at all."

"Terry ... get a grip on yourself. Do you realize what you're saying? You were born for this business. You've proved yourself and this last victory is a seminal achievement. Everyone who knew those two companies knew it would be a cat fight from beginning to end. I can understand you're exhausted and need some time off. I don't have a problem with that. Take a month. Get away and do whatever you need to do to be ready to come back to your next challenge.

"But ... I can't grant you six months ... much less a year. That's just not possible, Terry."

I sank back in the chair and tented my hands, wondering just what I was about say. Could I go ahead and throw this job away? I looked at Brant carefully. Was he bluffing? I didn't think so ... but I wasn't sure. Well ... there was only one way to find out.

I reached into my inside pocket and drew out a folded sheet of paper, passing it across the desk to Brant Gooding, senior partner at Halverson and Clifton.

"What's this?" he said, once again showing surprise.