Chapter 1

I'm a stunt man specializing in Western movies and TV shows. I ain't pretty enough to be the leading man, but I do sometimes get the job of the sidekick. At other times, I play the heavy (bad guy in the black hat). Actually, I like those jobs the best because I usually get a lot of screen time, I work often, and the pay is good. Anyway, that's what I'm doing today.

Don't tell anybody I said so, but this TV movie is a pretty crappy rip-off of the classic Shane, staring Alan Ladd. I've got the part that Jack Palance played—the meanest, no-account bastard that ever shot a man in the back. Of course, the hero shoots me at the end of the movie.

In this particular scene, I'm riding into town to do some devilment, but it doesn't make much difference what it is. Since scenes are shot out of order, I sometimes forget what is coming up next, but the director will remind me, so I'm not worried. Anyway, this scene was being shot in the outback of beyond in California, but it's supposed to represent Nebraska in the early 1870s. How the Hell they can justify those mountains in the background for being a part of Nebraska is beyond me, but I don't get paid to worry about that.

Anyway, I'm supposed to ride across the plains, dip out of sight in an arroyo, and reappear a few seconds later. Who knows why, but that was what the scriptwriter ordered. I started down into the arroyo and was hanging at a 45° angle when the damned fool horse stepped in a hole and tripped. Well, his front end dropped and I went tumbling over that damned horse's head, landing on my own head.

It really pissed me off and I damned near punched that stupid horse for not watching where he was going, but I caught myself before I did that. The No Cruelty to Animals observer would have had my ass in jail if I had made that swing. It's okay to kill a human, but you dare not inflict pain on an animal!

I figured that the scene was ruined, and we would have to shoot it again, but I climbed back into the saddle and rode up the far side of the gully. I looked around and could not see the movie crew. Where the Hell had they gone. Shit, I banged my head real hard when I fell, and I was looking for some TLC (Tender Loving Care) from that stacked nurse we had on the set. If I was lucky, she might even rub those D-cup breasts along my back while she was checking me out.

Nobody was to be seen! Hell, I was in no mood to ride the 10 miles or so back to the ranch house on a horse. I wanted a nice comfortable ride in an air conditioned limo. I looked around again for the crew and that was when I noticed that the mountains in the background had vanished!

What the shit was going on!?! Now, this looked like Nebraska of the 1870s. I knew that because I always did a little research on any film setting I was involved in. It was a matter of pride with me that I acted appropriately when I had a movie part. The grass was up to my horse's belly, and that couldn't be true anywhere in the USA in the 21^st century.

I had no idea what had happened, but I figured that I had better check to see if I was still armed. For this movie, I was dressed in the stereotyped cowboy outfit with a gun tied to my thigh. Normally, I hate that, because I prefer a crossdraw holster, but what was I going to say? Anyway, I checked my revolver, and I found that it was a Starr DA (double-action) in .44 caliber WCF (Winchester Center Fire). I also had a Winchester in a scabbard attached to my saddle, and that had not been there this morning when filming started!

My one deviation from the stereotype outfit was that I had a pouch of loose ammunition fastened to my waist instead of the expected belt loops for cartridges. I was getting more and more of a sinking feeling in my gut when I looked to my pistol and saw that the cylinder was loaded with six cartridges which were not the usual blanks used in movies. There were also two filled cylinders for my revolver in my ammunition pouch, so I was dressed for action!

I needed to make sure that the cartridges really worked in case I really was stuck back in 1870s Nebraska, or wherever I was. I have always taken pride in my shooting ability, and I had even won a few shooting contests, so I knew what I could expect when I fired off a round. There was a tree stump about 50 feet away, so I pulled out my pistol and took a shot at it. Yep, those were real bullets, all right! Splinters flew off the stump, so I knew that I was no longer in the comfortable 21^st century.

I had developed the habit of reloading my piece every time I fired, and I did it this time, too. I had no idea what I might meet, and I figured that I had better be ready. With that in mind, I dismounted and took off my gunbelt. I removed the holster and refastened it to my belt on my left side where a crossdraw pistol should be. I also tore away the leather strap that was intended to hold the gun in the holster; it wasn't needed for a crossdraw holster and it got in the way of a fast draw.

While I was about it, I checked the Winchester and found that the magazine was full, so I pushed it back into the scabbard and figured that I was as well prepared as I could hope to be with the meager amount of knowledge I had about my current circumstances.

I saw no sign of a road, but I did see some telegraph poles about a mile away, so I figured that must be a railroad. I headed in that direction on the very good chance that it would lead me to a town eventually. When I got to the railroad, I also saw a road running parallel to it, so I figured that I was making some progress. With nothing else for guidance, I mentally flipped a coin and headed east. At least, by going that way, there was no sun in my eyes.

Fortunately, I had learned from my hitch in the army to eat well whenever that was possible, so I had eaten as much lunch as I could hold. Therefore, I was not hungry, and could easily last until tomorrow before I got something to eat if I had to. Well, I lucked out. The sun was getting mighty low in the sky when I caught sight of a small town in the distance. I hoped that the light would last until I got there, but I could travel in the dark if it became necessary. All I had to worry about was my damned fool horse stepping into another hole.

I pulled into town not long after sundown, and not seeing much of anything open for business, I stopped in at a saloon. I asked if there was a hotel in town and where I could get some supper. I was directed to the hotel, and it had a restaurant, so I was in reasonable luck at that point. Then it dawned on me: What was I going to use for money? I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out what looked to me like some ancient coins. The most recent was dated 1869, so now I knew what era I was in. The hotel wanted two-bits for a room, but they would throw in beef and beans for supper for an extra dime. I had that much and took my token to the restaurant for my supper. That's when I found out that the only thing to drink was coffee, and that was 2¢ a cup.

Well, it was not the best meal I ever had, but it was better than I expected, so I guess I came out even. I went up to my room and flopped on the bed. I had been told that I would find the chamber pot under the bed, and I was lucky to find that it had been emptied since it was last used. I wonder if that made this hotel one of the elite. I had already put my horse up, so I was ready for bed. I leaned my rifle against the door so that it would fall over with a clatter if anybody tried to come in during the night. I stripped off my clothes, pissed, and lay down. I was asleep in only minutes.

The next morning, I paid another 10¢ for eggs and biscuits, plus 2¢ for coffee. That turned out to be a filling breakfast by the time I had eaten all of the biscuits that the waitress would bring me without charging me more. I had about $20 in coins in my pocket, and I intended to be as frugal as possible until I had a chance to find a job of some sort.

I asked the waitress and the desk clerk if they knew of any jobs available, and I got the same answer; namely, jobs were damned hard to come by unless I could and would use my gun. Well, I wasn't interested in shooting anybody if I could help it, but I might come to it if I couldn't find anything else.