Chapter 4: Dawn

Saturday, June 9 - 1:37 AM

Another early-summer night whose very air seemed to throb with possibility. A power-rock song playing faintly somewhere in the background, probably from Josh's room. Me, and Dawn, stuck together by our sweat, our bodies and minds sluggish as they were mired in afterglow. Those blushing breasts with their straining crimson nipples that I couldn't take my eyes off. Another Friday night of debauchery.

"So Mike. You're allegedly a philosopher dude. You want to lay some philosophy on me?"

"I'm not a philosopher. I just needed something to study in between parties, and preferably something that didn't involve numbers."

"Oh come on. You must have deep thoughts rattling around that head of yours."

"Right now I'm a little distracted."

"You know, Padma's been known to take a break from eating me out to go into a lecture about the abject and the uncanny."

I still needed to adjust to that -- not the having of other lovers, but it being open and a topic of humour. I was even briefly affronted, but I don't think it showed.

"I dunno. I was never really on any real philosophical side -- like, I wasn't one of those kids who had one guy or one school of thought that they were sure was right and everyone else was an idiot. I learned things, but I guess I didn't get caught up in them. Sometimes I played devil's advocate. But really, I don't think there's one theory that you can fit the whole world into."

"There's gotta be a name for that."

"Maybe. But I think I missed that class."

"Ooh, I know! You're a nihilist!"

"Oh come on. I haven't gone bowling in years."

"What? I don't think we can be friends anymore!"

"Oh. Can we still have sex?"

"Is that really all you think I'm good for?"

She looked at me, and for a moment I thought she had taken my joking callousness seriously. Panic flitted through me. This was the problem with all the teasing and the games.

"Of course not. If it weren't for you I'd be stuck hoping I can find a nice cardboard box before Julia decides to evict me." That was a circumstance I didn't really want to think about right now, but making light of it helped take the sting away.

"Given the circumstances, that's not really a rebuttal."

"Sorry. Then let me say this: you may in fact be the best Mario Kart player on planet Earth."

I kissed her on the hand. What was wrong with me, that I couldn't give a sincere compliment? That I couldn't tell her that she was one of the most joyful people I had ever met, and that being around her brought a little of that joy to me?

"Eh. I'll take it. But I get to be on top this time."

"Hump away."

Thursday, June 7 - 7:48 PM

I have to admit that I hadn't been in a concert in ages. I liked music, but what I didn't like was everything else -- the pressing crowds that were always slamming into you and elbowing you, the overpriced shitty drinks, the moments of awkward waiting, the persistent smell of pot, and the rumble of the bass through your bones like you were having a heart attack. Well, that and the fact that I could hardly afford ticket prices on a student budget. I know, I sound like a real fun guy.

But even if I had gone to concerts -- or "shows" as everyone else now seemed to refer to them -- I probably wouldn't have picked ones like these. The underground venue was hazy and looked like it might cave in at any moment. Beneath my table, I tried to count the pieces of gum (at least I hoped it was all gum) stuck to the underside, but I quickly lost track. On the wall a poster advertised Saturday's bands, a double bill of Cannibal Abortion Theatre and Rape All Cops.

"I have to admit, the names seem a little immature to me," I said. Julia snorted, but held back her retort for once.

Fortunately, Julia and Dawn had been kind enough to take along an additional innocent. Ellie held her purse in a white-knuckle grasp and her eyes were constantly darting to the various geometrical hair styles and patchwork clothes. "Um, where's the, uh, bathroom?"

Dawn smiled knowingly. "You don't want to use that bathroom."

Julia put a hand on Ellie's shoulders. "Don't worry. The punks don't bite. Well, most of them don't."

"Hey, don't blame her," I said. "When she was young, this was actually the cool dangerous counterculture." I hadn't intended to insult all three of them, but the trio of sharp looks I got made me want to shrink in my seat.

"I dunno, personally I think it still has some meaning." Dawn gestured to a hulking mass of piercing and tattoos. "I mean, look at that guy. He's altered his whole body to make a statement."

"And that statement is 'I'll never work a regular job again'?" I said, taking a look to make sure none of the punks were listening too closely.

Julia jabbed a finger into my face. "Careful, Mike. You're sort of coming off as a capitalist stooge." I rolled my eyes.

"I don't have a problem with it," said Ellie to her drink. "I just don't see why I have to be here when I have a nice book and some nice people at home I could curl up with."

"Because it's a Thursday night and spending it at home is lame," said Dawn. She checked her purse. "Hey, let's step outside and pregame a bit."

I glanced at my watch. "Isn't it supposed to start soon?"

"Dude, have you ever been to a show before?"

We exited the building, making sure our cheap plastic admission bands were secure around our wrists. Dawn quickly lead us to a patch of abandoned field behind the club where she had obviously been many times. The scent made it obvious what this place was primarily used for, as if the two or three groups of concertgoers gathered in clouds of smoke weren't a dead giveaway.

Surprisingly, Ellie was the first one to take the joint after Dawn had given it an inaugral puff. Julia looked at her in admiration, and Ellie just shrugged. "I was young once too."

I received it last, and looked at the burning roach with some trepidation. I had done pot a couple times before, but hadn't really liked it. Still, I was able to inhale without hacking up a lung and making a complete fool of myself, so that was something. Everyone else looked vaguely amused at my obvious nervousness, but I think there was some affection in there too. Or maybe it was just the weed kicking in early.

After we returned to the show it still took ten or fifteen minutes for the first band to come on. In that period I contemplated how I was surely now one of those smelly people, bearing that strange rotten-cheese reek, that I had mocked earlier. The nerves were getting worse. I was sure I would do something to reveal myself as a poser, an outsider, and the crowd would swarm on me in a mass of metal and denim.

But then the music started, and nobody cared much about anything else but the angular, emaciated people on stage screaming into microphones. I could only make out patchy fragments of lyrics, mostly swearing. I seemed to swing back and forth between two states of mind. In one the music was a chaotic lifeblood pumping through me, opening me up. The rhythm was the rhythm that was already present in all humans, the vicious tempo that was engraved in us, but needed these guitar-wielding sages to crack open. The other half of the time I felt miserable and alone in the sea of sweat, the music almost as much an assault as the elbows which continually caught me in the head.

Bands came on and off, names and appearances superficially changing, but it was all one experience. I felt like two mortal enemies bound in one body, like in that really confusing Star Trek episode. One group in the middle was different -- competent with their instruments, their music almost catchy. They were booed off stage, and the lead singer narrowly ducked a bottle thrown at her head.

It wasn't until we were all on the sidewalk outside, in that bracing late-night air, that I realized it was over. I felt vaguely dazed, like when you wake up and haven't quite realized that you were dreaming. Dawn was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "That was fun!"

Julia smirked. "I knew you weren't going to the bathroom to adjust your hair."

"Julia," said Dawn in a mock offended tone. "Are you accusing me of taking recreational pharmaceuticals?"

"Yep. And you really shouldn't mix drugs like that."

"Come on, I know my stuff. And you can't just be on weed for a show. You'd just drift around sweating like Mike here."

I suddenly realized that this conversation was on the same plane of reality as myself. "Wha?"

"Exactly."

To be fair, my mind was slowly returning to its normal state, at least enough to remember what Dawn had showed me the earlier day. "You," I said with the same mock dramaticness. "Have a drug problem."

"No, what I have is a drug solution."

Ellie was smiling placidly. "I really liked the show. I bought two CDs!"

Dawn pumped her fist. "We'll have streaks in your hair before the week is out."

"Actually, that doesn't sound half bad. Maybe we could have a girl's night -- all do each others' hair?"

As I looked at Dawn's smile, I realized that it could not be overstated: she always got what she wanted.

Friday, June 8 - 11:00 PM

I sat in the corner with my hands folded in my lap. Around me, the acts of debauchery were getting more and more public. A chubby red-headed girl was sprawled out nude across the table while assorted partygoers drank liquor off her body's plentiful folds. Men in dark clothes tugged scantily-clad girls around by short chain leashes, showing them off for the assembled masses. It all seemed so tacky and sleazy to me, like a decrepit bingo parlour.

How could Dawn do something like this? And for me, who she had barely known a month? It was disturbing, and I felt like I was responsible -- like I was a low-rent pimp. But she had said it would be all right. She might have done it before, now that I considered it -- for money, or for drugs, or for whatever she had needed. But none of these ideas made me feel any less guilty.

A girl in a tight blue dress walked over to me. "You look glum."

I looked up at her skeptically. She was a very pretty girl, whose minimal dress highlighted her flawless dusky skin, which clung tightly to her visible clavicle and shoulder bones. Her short hair was done up in ringlets which spiralled down just past her ears. She looked vaguely South-East Asian -- maybe Vietnamese or Thai. She also looked quite interested in me, and although I wasn't quite in the mood, it was still an enticing proposition.

"You going to say anything, or just gawk at me?"

And here I thought I was getting better at the gawking. "I'm sorry. But it's hard not to stare."

The girl shrugged, a motion I found hypnotic. "Hey, I was staring at you quite a bit before I got the guts to come over. So what's got you so down on such a decadent occasion?"

"A friend of mine is doing something for me," I said, careful to use the vaguest terms possible. "And I'm worried it's going to hurt her."

"Was this the friend in the corset?"

Dawn really did like that corset. "I ... I shouldn't say."

This new girl smiled. "It's okay. I think I know what's going on. Just remember that it was a decision she made, and even if it's not one you agree with, you should respect that."

"Why? Because it involves sex?"

"No, because it was her choice." She was starting to sound testy.

"Even if I was the one who put her into the situation?"

The girl in the blue dress was about to make a rejoinder when she paused. "I'm sorry, but I was about to go into a full-on argument with you and I realized I hadn't even asked you your name."

"I'm Mike. Feel free to argue away now."

"Nah, that's not what I came here for. And I'm Sadie, by the way."

I shook her hand, although the gesture felt comically tame considering that some guy was getting his dick sucked in a shadowy corner not five feet from us.

Sadie leaned in to whisper in my ear, and did so in such a way that her thin gown the only thing that was separating the flesh of her breast from my face. "You want to go upstairs and try to forget about your problems?" What could I do but nod?

The staircase was claustrophobically tight and I always seemed to be turning dark corners, but there was always Sadie with her hand in mine guiding me upwards like a fleshy angel. And then we emerged on the third floor, with its yellow-brown flickering light, and the echoes of many different moans from all of the occupied rooms. They were marked with a hairband hung on the door, a borrowed college trick. They could have just locked the doors, but it would have gone against the spirit of the event: each coupling was open to all. I knew that Dawn was in one of those rooms now, but I tried not to think about it.

"I gotta say," I said to Sadie as we searched for an unmarked door-handle. "This club is a lot less glamorous than I thought it would be."

"Well, it certainly ain't Eyes Wide Shut. But I think the seediness is kind of sexy."

"To each their own."

We found a room, a tight little room mostly consumed by a king-sized bed. It was still pretty sleazy, but I had stayed in hotels that were worse. Sadie turned her back to me. "Unzip me, please." I pulled down the zipper and that tight blue dress just fell away. Sadie divested herself of her few remaining pieces of clothing with businesslike efficiency.

My eyes struggled to take in the full expanse of her bronze skin. It wasn't flawless, as I had originally thought -- she had a cute little dimple on the small of her back, and I immediately focused on that, not the subtle curves of her ass or her small conical breasts, in order to keep myself from going insane.

Sadie climbed onto the bed and stretched out on all fours. She gave my motionless body a bored look. "Come on, get comfortable."

I was taking off my pants, and then my shirt, but it felt like I was a million miles away. I joined Sadie on the bed and she promptly rolled over and drew me into her. I took one of her breasts into my mouth and savoured her small and soft nipples. The immediacy of bodily contact took me away from my thoughts.

I found my lips moving upwards, to that collarbone that had originally entranced me, and soon I was licking her neck. Sadie had stripped me of my underwear and was now slowly stroking my cock to hardness. She sighed.

"Have you ever tried to fuck someone who's distracted?" she said.

"Pardon?"

"I'm going to assume that was a joke." Sadie grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up until my eyes were locked with hers. Her eyes, I noticed just now, were a strange arresting shade of green, like verdigris. "Mike. You're here with me now, not your friend in leather."

I felt like shit. I was letting down this girl who I hardly even knew. "I'm sorry. Really sorry."

Apparently Sadie didn't want apologies. She rolled over onto all fours again. "Okay, different approach. All your anger, all your frustration. Take it out on me. I'm the one who's responsible for everything, and the only way you can make things right is by giving me the hardest fucking you can muster."

It wasn't so much what she said as the way she looked and felt beneath me -- so much like Dawn just a few nights ago, opening herself up for me, her back quivering with every thrust. It made me a little mad at her for being such an obvious facsimile. I was suddenly rock hard, and only hesitated to roll on one of the condoms provided on the bedside table. Without saying another word, I grabbed Sadie by the hips and thrust into her cunt.

She was still a little dry, but the friction felt good -- this shouldn't, I thought, be entirely pleasant. Sadie let out a long breath as I withdrew and slammed into her again. I did it again, just to enjoy the masculine power of my movements, watch her body shift forward in involuntary reaction. She thrust back against me, rubbing her ass up against my curly pubic hair, and then we were immediately fucking wildly, throwing everything we had at each other.

There was one thin pillow on the bed, and Sadie buried her face into it as I vigorously fucked her from behind. Even through the pillow I could hear her moans. But that wasn't enough. There was something vicious inside of me, something that wanted to really and truly possess her. Hammering into her cunt, as great as it felt, was not enough to relieve the anger I felt.

I slapped her ass, almost experimentally, and her hot tunnel clenched around my cock. She looked back at me hungrily. "Harder." I did it a bit harder, this time leaving a bit of a red mark. "Harder!" This time I put all my force into it, and Sadie positively squealed. That perfect skin was now marked my the red imprint of my hand.

I hit the other ass cheek, and felt the purr travel through her own body. I was thrusting into her steadily at this point, but the rush of sex had been overtaken by that of exploration. On a whim, I grabbed her hair, and she cried out -- but not in pain.

With a fistful of Sadie's hair I pulled her back into a position that let me penetrate her even harder. I grabbed at her breasts roughly, scratching at the skin and pulling her nipples taut. The aggression felt as good as her cunt.

Finally, I grabbed her by the throat, and used that as a hand hold as I threw myself into her with everything I had. She cried out, the sound of her orgasm only slightly throttled by my hand on her neck. I was totally out of control, and it was exhilarating. When I felt my orgasm coming on, I didn't even try to restrain it, just cried out and exulted in the feeling.

We both fell face-down on the bed, panting. Guilt instantly flooded me. I looked at Sadie and the red hand-print wrapped around her neck. "Shit. Are you okay? I didn't mean to--"

"It was great," she said. "I like it like that."

I wasn't sure I did. It felt sort of nasty, like I had just used this girl as a container for my anger. I had treated Sadie, I realized, about as respectfully as the condom currently wrapped around my deflating cock. But maybe that was the point of parties like this.

I peeled the cum-slick condom off and tossed it towards the nearest trash can. It didn't quite get there, but I was sure these people were used to cleaning up gross things in the morning. I turned back to Sadie. "Can we cuddle now, or do you want to go see someone else?" After I said it I realized how needy it sounded.

She laughed. "Sure. I could use a little tenderness after a fuck like that." And then our bodies were pressed together again, but it was different. Her warmth, instead of an incendiary challenge, was now like that of a familiar bed loaded with blankets on a winter day.

We didn't say anything, because what was there to say? We didn't even know each other. Odds were that even if we tried to go out or be friends we wouldn't really get along. But we had been there for each other at this one random moment in time, and maybe that was something.

I heard a door down the hallway open and close. Dawn was saying something -- I couldn't hear what it was, but I knew that it was her voice. I immediately leapt up from the bed and started throwing my clothes on.

Sadie turned over and looked at me askance. "What, did you just feel a crab bite?"

"No, I just need to meet with a friend," I said. "This was, uh, fantastic. Wait, the crabs thing was a joke, right?"

"Yes, it was a joke. I did not infect you with crotch bugs," said Sadie, sounding genuinely annoyed. "Go on. I'll be up and about in a couple minutes."

Leaving her there, I felt like the worst guy in the world. There's only so much that a month of free love can deprogram you, and I still felt as though I was taking advantage of Sadie. Hell, maybe I was. But Dawn was out in the hall, and I needed to be with her.

Dawn was in the middle of the hall, talking quietly with Her. The one whose appearance suddenly made me sick to my stomach, especially her freshly-fucked radiance. It stood in sharp contrast to Dawn's shrunken, scared form, as if someone had stuck her with a pin and all the usual courage and bravado had drained out.

I walked over to the two of them. "Hey Dawn."

She gave me her best attempt at a smile. "I see someone else got lucky tonight. Who with?"

"Are you okay?"

That woman smiled. "I should say she's better than okay. By the way, welcome to the store. Can you start on Monday?"

"Yeah, uh, I guess." I grabbed Dawn by the wrist. "Do you want to go home now?"

"She doesn't need a boyfriend to rescue her," She said.

But Dawn nodded, and I held her hand as we walked away.

Outside the club, anonymous from the outside, I broke the silence. "You really did not have to do that for me."

"Whatever." Dawn sounded downbeat and a little sarcastic -- in other words, distinctly un-Dawn-y. "You're gonna take the job, right?"

"I dunno if I should."

"Do it."

It was then that I noticed a large red welt around her neck, one that still looked blisteringly raw. The welt snaked down her shoulder and beneath her halter top. Something dark was clinging to the sides of her dress. "Is that blood?"

"Don't."

I didn't say anything, but put my arm around her shoulder. For a moment I feared that this was the wrong thing to do, that she probably didn't want to be touched right now, but instead she clung to my body as if scared of drowning.

"Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"When we get home, can you fuck me until I forget about all of this?"

An hour ago I would have doubted the efficacy of this cure, but I remembered how clear-headed and warm I had felt after venting my anger onto Sadie (whose last name I still hadn't learned). So I said "What are friends for?" and gave her as chaste a kiss as I could muster.

Friday, June 1 - 8:20 PM

Dinner and a movie. It was so conventional it was a little weird. Nina had waited for me to call her, and did her best to sound unsure over the phone, but once she went through the motions of being won over she immediately had a pretty strict idea of what our date -- and possibly the ensuing courtship -- would be like. She picked the restaurant (a sleek, modern-looking sushi bar) and the movie (some European movie with a lot of sex playing at the Lightbox) and basically dictated what I ordered through a series of sharp "suggestions". It was okay. Sometimes it was nice to be freed from the burden of making decisions.