Chapter 5

It takes time to even load the luggage and instruments for an eighty piece orchestra, then to drive two coaches across London to the M25 and south-west to Portsmouth. It should be less than a two hour drive, but that doesn't take into account London and the M25. So the young people ate sandwiches and fruit on the move and arrived in Portsmouth at their hotel mid afternoon.

Their programme for Portsmouth included selections from opera including Merry Widow and Butterfly. Incidentally, did you know that 'The Merry Widow' is quite a euphemistic translation of 'Die Lustige Witwe'? (Think about it for a bit). Chrissie was understudying another soprano, so although Simon required her to rehearse, he did permit her to take time out. The young people would be performing Friday and Saturday evenings at the Guildhall.

Anh welcomed her warmly and lost no time in getting down to business. She had Chrissie describe her life from her earliest recollection; it took some time. Chrissie, understandably, dwelt on the death of her parents but skated over the abuse from her uncle and the just under two years as an under-age prostitute, only mentioning the treatment she'd received from the hand of Tom's father. She said a lot about the comfort Tom had given her and their relationship up to completion of 'A' levels. She told how at Music College, she'd been so immersed in her studies she'd had no attention to spare for anything else (except occasional calls or visits to Felixstowe), even the occasional card Tom had sent, then, on graduation, how she'd been caught up in trying to make a name for herself with the Youth Orchestra. Then the news of Dave Yeoman's death and the realisation that she'd cut herself off from something precious; how right she'd felt in Tom's arms. But how she'd been sure she was unworthy of his love and backed away from renewing their relationship. Lastly head down in shame, how, frustrated, she'd tried to silence the re-awakened awareness of her sexuality by seducing Rob, her admirer.

"So I felt bad about wanting Tom in the first place, and now I feel I've betrayed him as well..."

Anh looked at her steadily for what seemed like a very long time. Chrissie wanted to look away but forced herself to meet her eyes. Suddenly, Anh closed her eyes and began to pray. Chrissie couldn't understand what she was saying, but the rhythms and flow of the sounds were hypnotic and she found herself drifting in a sort of trance. She could never say, afterwards, what she'd experienced, only that when she returned to full awareness she was relaxed and calm. Perhaps 'serene' would be a better description. Anh was sitting back and watching her.

Anh spoke quietly. "Do you love Tom, Chrissie?"

Chrissie opened her mouth, intending to say she didn't know, but somehow the words wouldn't form. "Yes," she whispered eventually. "God help me, yes, I do."

"And you've just stated the key," Anh said. "Love is from God and He will help you." Then after another pause, "Do you think Tom loves you too?"

There was a much longer pause before Chrissie responded. "I think so, yes. He said he did. But what will he think of me..."

"Yes. There is that. In this case, I think you need to tell him and give him space to decide how he feels about you. I rather think he will accept you and love you just the same."

"That's easy to say..."

"Maybe. Did I ever tell you my story? How I was used and abused by my father and other male family members from the age of twelve until I was able to cut ties with them? I married Terry without telling him about my past and when that past surfaced and threatened my sanity, he just held me and supported me and loved me just the same."

"But you hadn't done anything wrong after you met him..."

"No, that's true. But I wronged him by not telling him about my past and the fact I might not be able to have children."

Chrissie looked at her sorrow in her expression ... not for herself, but for Anh. "Oh, Annie. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"It's not certain, and we may adopt, in time. We each have our story, Chrissie, and God knows us, our stories and our needs. He has a plan for you, if you trust Him."

Chrissie frowned. "Easy to say, hard to do."

"No, the hard part is recognising we can't do it in our own strength and asking for help; and that's something you have to do for yourself."

When Chrissie left, she felt nothing had been resolved, yet she felt at peace. She resolved to take the first opportunity to go to Maldon to at least see Tom and apologise.

She saw Simon and said she needed time away. She agreed to stay for the concerts in Portsmouth, which gave her a chance to spend time with Anh Knight anyway. As it turned out, she wasn't needed in her understudy role and on Sunday she set off on the journey to Maldon; Portsmouth to London, underground to Liverpool Street station, train to Chelmsford and bus to Maldon. It was very tedious.

Not knowing what else to do, she found a bed-and-breakfast guest-house, 'The Anchor', just at the top of Church Street and a short walk from the Hythe Quay. A walk to the Topsail Charters office told her SB Reminder was due in around six o'clock and, yes, Tom Carmichael was the skipper. Not really hungry, but not having anything else to do, she bought tea and fruit-cake from one of the kiosks and sat on the prom nibbling and sipping as she watched the water rising in the river.

A man sat next to her and tried to engage her in conversation but was eventually discouraged by her monosyllabic replies.

At last, she saw a brown topsail moving the other side of Heybridge. She walked down to the end of the prom and stood under the statue there. It seemed – it was – quite a while before the ship appeared round the corner. She knew enough about sailing to admire the skill of Reminder's skipper and mate as the ship made her way up to and past her vantage point. As she passed, Chrissie began to walk back to the quay. She knew she would have to wait even once Reminder was berthed so she didn't hurry, though her every cell was urging her to run. She discarded her half-eaten cake and cold tea in a bin on the way.

As before, she watched Tom and his Mate tidying up and securing their vessel. This time, though, it was the Mate who crossed the ships separating Reminder from the quay and passed Chrissie, not recognising her. He considered stopping to speak to her – she was very pretty, after all, even in jeans and baggy t-shirt, but he was in a hurry to get home.