Chapter 13

There was silence in the small living area after Tim and Ruth left. The silence stretched until it became uncomfortable. Then it stretched until it became unbearable and Susan said, "I'll find someplace else for the girls and I to stay today."

Her voice had a defeated, dead sound to it. It reminded Bill of what she sounded like when her car wouldn't start in front of the court house that first day. It was like one too many burdens had been put on her. Bill hated that sound in her voice.

"You don't have to do that," Bill said despondently. "I can afford to find someplace else to stay easier than you three. You and the girls should stay here. The girls need some security and they need you so you will stay here."

His voice sounded like he had lost his best friend. Normally he sounded so confident. Bill was always so sure of himself. He sure didn't sound sure of himself now Susan thought. It was sweet they way he was worried about her that the girls though. At least he didn't hate them. Maybe there was hope.

Susan thought franticly for a moment then softly asked, "Isn't there some way for all of us to stay here?"

Bill's mind flashed back to the morning. He thought about what Mandy and Beth looked like in their night gowns and what they must have thought of him standing there with his morning woody for all to see, covered though it was. He blushed and gave a defeated sigh shaking his head.

"I don't think that would be a good idea," Bill said shaking his head again. His voice almost cracked saying the words. He took another deep breath to calm himself before saying. "I don't think the girls would want to stay here anyway if I stay so I will find someplace else."

"No Bill," Susan said drily. "I talked to the girls and they don't count in this decision. They told me what happened this morning and it wasn't your fault. They don't count right now. This is between you and me. I don't want to move out and I don't want you to move out. I will find someplace to go if we can't stay here together but I don't want you to. This is your place after all." It was Susan's turn to take a deep breath and hold it before letting it out. She had noticed that Bill did that a lot when he was in circumstances that could cause him to lose his temper. It did help to calm her nerves.

"Look Bill," Susan said turning towards the big man. "Have you ever lived around women and girls before?"

Bill thought a moment then shook his head. "The only time was around my mom and sister when we were growing up."

"That doesn't count," Susan replied. "You have a different perspective in dealing with, ah, some of the challenges that arise, ah, well, what I mean." She stopped. She took another deep breath. It did help. "There are differences between men and women." She stopped again. "That sounded stupid," she thought to herself.

"Yeah, I think that was something my dad told me," Bill said with a little smile. "I have verified it a few times since then."

It was Susan's turn to blush.

"That wasn't what I meant," Susan said with a little heat as she bumped Bill with her shoulder. She was silent for a long moment while she tried to get her thoughts in order. Finally she asked in a very quiet voice, "Remember what you said about wanting to be around people that make you feel good about yourself?"

Bill nodded. He looked at Susan out of the corner of his eye and said, "Yes. I remember."

Susan took another deep breath to calm her nerves. She wasn't good at this reasonable persuasion stuff. She was better at yelling and bulling her way through situations. Finally she softly said, "You said that I make you feel good about yourself. Is that still true?"

Bill nodded again before saying, "Yeah but this isn't about me."

"Yes it is. It's about you and me," Susan snapped.

"Reasonable," she thought to herself and took another deep breath. She held it for a long moment before letting it out.

"Bill, It is about us," she continued in the softer tone again. "You said I make you feel good about you. Well, you make me feel good about me too. I don't want to go back to how I felt about myself before I met you. I could get all mushy and say I love you but I don't know that. I don't think anyone knows what love is. Based on my life I know 'love' isn't something to base a relationship on. Your explanation of what is important is the best test for a foundation to base a relationship on that I have ever heard. I feel good about myself when I am around you. You said you feel good about yourself when you are around me. Shouldn't, ah, isn't, well..."

Susan looked down at the counter top and ran her finger tip through a still moist coffee ring on the countertop where a few drops of coffee had spilled. Finally, in a very quiet and scared voice she said, "If two people both feel good about themselves when they are around the other..." She stopped again for a moment and took another deep breath before continuing. "Shouldn't they try to stay close to each other?"

Susan was afraid to look up. She kept making little circles in the spilled coffee. She had let down all the barriers and that was something she never did. Susan was tough. Susan could take anything that anyone wanted to dish out. She had to be tough to keep going after her husband walked out on her. She had to be tough to raise two girls on her own. She had to be tough to withstand all the jeers and comments from the people that she had known all her life about being a klutz. Through all that she had kept on keeping on. But now she had put it all on the table. This man that she had only known a little over a week could destroy her with a single word. All he had to do was say no and she was done. She wasn't sure how she could keep going. She had had a taste of what it felt like to really be included in someone's life and plans and didn't want to lose that.

Bill cleared his throat after the silence seemed to stretch forever. "I do think that is a good reason they should try to stay close to each other," he said in a low voice.

Susan looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He had his own coffee ring that he was making designs in. She surreptitiously looked at his face. He looked troubled. It looked like he had been offered something that he really wanted but it was still just outside his reach.

"But you're wrong about one thing Susan," Bill continued in the same low, tormented voice. "It isn't about just you and me. You have two great kids and they have to be considered in any decision that you and I make." His voice seemed to crack a little there at the end.

It was Bills turn to take a deep breath and hold it before letting it out. Susan noticed that he could hold his breath a lot longer.

Bill squared his shoulders and sat up as if he were facing an unpleasant truth. "And considering them I really don't think it would work. I doubt very much that I would be welcomed if I stuck around."

Susan snorted. It wasn't a very lady like snort. Bill jumped and looked at her in astonishment.

"Do you mean because they saw your woody through your boxers," Susan asked with another snort of laughter? "Do you want to know what Mandy's comment was?" Susan didn't wait for Bill to answer. "She said you push your boxers out way more than Jimmy's do."

Bill looked a little angry when he muttered under his breath, "I'll talk to Jimmy about that. I thought we had an understanding."

Susan caught enough of his comment to be startled. She didn't know Bill had 'counseled' Jimmy to behave. It made her smile a little to know that he cared enough to do something like that but she bulled on.

"And Beth," Susan said shaking her head. "I thought she was my naive little baby." Susan chuckled a little before saying, "Her defense was that Mandy gets to see things like that all the time so it shouldn't be a problem for her to see one this one time."

Susan's chuckle died away and she went back to making little designs in the coffee on the counter top. "That's how much they despise you. Oh, by the way, Beth has decided that pink is now her favorite color. It was green."

There was silence between them as both made little patterns on the counter top. Finally Susan broke the silence by asking, "Do you want to know what really made me mad?"

"What," Bill asked in his soft tone.

"Beth described how black and curly your chest hairs are and I haven't even got to see them yet," Susan said quietly. "My daughter has to describe them to me. Mandy described how far your boxers poked out and I haven't had a chance to check that out for myself. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm the one that likes you."

There was another moment of silence between them before Bill's arm went around Susan and pulled her against him.

"Sorry about that," Bill said gruffly. "I'll try to be more accommodating to who sees what in the future."

Bill took another long breath, held it and let it out. Susan's head was on his shoulder now and could feel his chest swell.

"There's more that we should talk about," Bill said softly. "You were right before, about it being different growing up with a mom and sister and being in a house with females as a grown man."

Susan started to say something but he put one of his big fingers across her mouth in a silence gesture. He did it in a gentle, caring way.

"Let me finish. This isn't easy to explain so let me finish. OK?" he asked.

Susan nodded her head against his chest. Their stools had turned toward each other and her arms were around Bill. Her head was flat against his chest. She could hear his words but could feel them rumble out of his chest too. It felt good with his arms around her.

He took another deep breath before continuing in a determined voice. "I've had girl friends that have stayed overnight but I've never lived with a woman since leaving home. I'm a guy Susan. I can't help looking when you and the girls walk around in those night gowns we bought. I can't help thinking how good they look, on all of you. I know you have noticed some of the 'come hither' looks that Mandy has tried on me and you just laugh at them but they do make me think. I can't help but think about what those looks are saying because I'm a guy. Beth is trying those looks out on me too, and she is getting a lot better. I would never hurt the girls but I can't help looking and thinking. I'm not a pedophile but they don't look like little girls either. They look like beautiful, sexy young girls that are looking for a guy and sometime it seems like I am the one they have their sights on."

Bill was breathing hard as if he had just sprinted a block by the time he got it all out. Susan was still against his chest now. He was pretty sure he had killed any chance of a future with this woman but he had to be straight with her.

"That is another reason why I should probably stay someplace else," Bill said miserably.

It was clear to Susan that he didn't want to be someplace else. It was just as clear that he thought it was the right thing to do. She was quiet and still for a few moments as she thought about how she could respond to this admission. It was a touchy subject.

Finally Susan pulled out of Bill's arms and sat up. She looked him in the eye and said in a quiet but firm voice, "First of all, staying someplace else isn't an option. If you want us to leave we will but you will not. Is that clear enough?"