Chapter 13

"What's the plan?" Adray asked as they packed for their journey. "Are we going to collapse the walls of the castle with a tremendous blast of magic, leaving me a clear path to the fiend's throne so that I can fell him with one swing of my axe?"

"Close, but not quite," Pardin said. He was listening to the trolls pack up the wagon with great exhortations of anticipation. The trolls were the first of their kind to see the human lands in centuries. They wanted to remember everything.

"What is 'not quite?'" she asked.

Pardin took a deep breath and straightened his shoulders. He had thought long and deep about his impulsive threat and how to save his ass. After all, Hinderblast had an entire army, composed of the soldiers with deadly weapons, who would have no problem cutting down a young upstart and a few magical creatures.

"Er, you're giving the axe back to Bernie," Pardin said, waiting for the screech of disbelief. He braced his legs and waited for the impact.

"WHAT?"

"We are going to tell Bernie that he can have his axe back," Pardin said. "The only hitch is that he has to come and get it. Of course, being a famous magical axe, it is going to take Bernie and at least 300 dwarves to wrest the prized weapon from the elf princess's hot, sweaty hands."

"Damned straight it would take that many swinish mothers to get this axe away from me," Adray said. "OF COURSE, it shall not happen."

"Dear wife, we need an army," Pardin said in a mild, matter of fact manner. "An army of fairies simply won't do even though we have one. Perhaps you have a better suggestion? 'We will figure something out later' won't do on this side of the mountains."

"I love my axe," Adray said, cuddling it. "It feels so hard in my hands. The runes make it blaze with delectable heat that sets my thighs atwitter every time I swing it. This axe is like an aphrodisiac of blood, sex, and gore all wrapped up in one two-handed package."

Pardin was convinced more than ever that the axe had to go. As far as he was concerned, she was a bit too transfixed on the weapon. He was almost expecting her to start humping it with the way she was carrying on about it.

"The choice is between me or the axe," Pardin said. He stopped himself from ordering her as his bonded husband to return the axe because he didn't trust her – not about the battle axe.

"Husband," Adray cried with tears running down her face. "I've hardly had a chance to use it. Those humans were far too poor as targets for my best swings. One swing and he was pulp. I've barely had a chance to use this bad boy and certainly not on anything substantial."

"Then I have good news for you," he said. "The journey to the castle will take three weeks through a possibly hostile province. Every day may bring an opportunity to swing your axe."

"Oh husband, you do love me so much." She was gushing as she hugged the axe to her breast.

Pardin called down Fuster. He ordered her to send a message to Bernie with his offer. A guaranteed delivery rate was negotiated along with threats, accusations and fairy foot stomping. Finally a fair deal with 99% guaranteed delivery by the Fairy Express was confirmed. A small pod of fairies shot out the front door to deliver his message.

Half of the troll's onion domed yurt was disassembled and packed in the wagon. With great singing the rest of the structure was coming down as well. Pardin had little of his own baggage to pack, considering that he had fled his village in the middle of the night and that most of the wedding gifts were for his bride. With a snap of his fingers he remembered that he did have one extravagance to load onto the wagon, half a barrel of kralberry ale.

By mid-afternoon the wagon was loaded with all of their gear. The trolls were willing to leave immediately and Pardin saw no reason to delay.

As they were coming down the mountain, the fairies spied a platoon of the lord's soldiers coming up the mountain, single file. While the fairies announced their discovery with great excitement, Shmor was displeased at the welcoming committee awaiting his first steps down the mountain. Hoisting a boulder over his head, he hurled it down the path. His face was scrunched up with disgust until he heard the screams of men unable to get out of the way. Then he was like a little child jumping for joy as his pain was removed.

Shmor seemed to take a special delight in dispatching those who had shed blood. Pardin wanted to query the troll about his shedding of blood but could not gather up the courage to do it. The human had no stomach for a long dissertation on the philosophical niceties of killing those who kill others.

At least they had gotten a clear response to message they had sent back to Lord Hinderblast. After all, they had only sent the bastard a week ago, which meant that he was still two weeks away from the castle.

"Oo, lookee here," Adray said as bent over a pile of red, bloody mash. "This ain't no ordinary pig poker."