He sat and scanned the reports that the officials had sent him. It was stark and a dose of reality that he wasn't really prepared to accept. He'd had these 'doses' of reality over the past year and this was one of the hardest. She was actually dead.

He raised his head and listened, and there was only quiet. The girls were asleep, their nap time, his thinking time. He set the accident report down and tried, once again, to reconcile it to any reality that he knew, make sense of it. Nothing came. Nothing happened. Nothing helped.

He realized that this was all 'post mortem' kind of stuff. She was indeed gone and had been dealt with, buried, the funeral over, the crowds gone. None of them, he thought, maybe hoped, the wiser. She'd been on this European trip for her work, was the story.

She'd actually run away. Inexplicably run away. So soon after the twins were born, she'd just run away!There was the depression, a deep depression, after the girls were born, lovely Mandy and Wendy, his whole world now. He tried to help. They tried to get help, professional help but she stayed listless and went through the motions.

He never could explain it. Yes, she was younger, when they married, barely twenty. He was a bit older at 26. They were happy. She was, at times, flighty, but he never thought much of it. But after the birth of the twins, it was as though she was simply gone, mentally, spiritually gone.

Maybe it shouldn't have been such a shock, when they'd had 'that talk'. But for him it was. She was actually saying, he remembered it as though it were just that morning, that she was going away, 'to find herself.' She wasn't negotiating. She was telling him. She was going off to 'find her roots'.

He'd tried to argue that he and Wendy and Mandy were her 'roots' now but she wouldn't have it. He knew that she could be stubborn but had never seen this. She told him that she needed to do it 'to save herself', and hoped to be back to them.

Some of those words and phrases still haunted him, still lingered in his mind, were still fresh and there.

He realized, at the end, that she was certainly going to do it. She was going to somewhere in what he'd recognized always as Czechoslovakia, different of course now, but thats how he remembered the place. She was taking this trip to do this 'finding' that she went on about. And then she was gone, teary about leaving the twins behind and not sure when she'd actually be back or any of that kind of thing.

He was never sure that the cover story that they'd put out worked. He never really cared. He was busy with his work at the university. On the off season, before the spring practices, he was in charge of weight training for the players. It kept him busy, especially these days with Wendy and Mandy. But he was managing, being a father. 'Single Father', he said to himself, half in disgust and half in wonder.

Then the report came. He read it and re-read it. He had it there now again. It was impersonal and almost like a dirty novel: Road accident; she the passenger; found almost naked, apparently performing what the report called 'an oral sexual act' on the driver at the time that they ran off the road and were both killed.

It was as though the world took a leave of its senses; it was as though only craziness prevailed in the whole world. He wept, as the bathed the twins. They looked at him and he thought that they were understanding what he was thinking but it was probably only those looks of love that he'd begun to get from them, and that was the whole world.

Yes, the report, at first, was everything. His JoAnn, dead giving some guy a blow job. The raw thoughts ran through his mind and he began his campaign to put it behind him.

Then came the whirlwind of the funeral and the gatherings. He was, in all of that really thankful to Carol Ann, her mother, for being as helpful and strong as she was.

He, in his shock, at the same time, was trying to deal with it, fitting into this role of father/dad and now widower. He'd always seen himself as the jock, the football guy, the coach. Those were his mantras and all of this was new, new new.

But Carol Ann had been strong and a true comfort for him. That was so many months ago, so many months ago.

It was the doorbell that brought Jim out of his reverie. He went to the door and was surprised to find Carl Ann on his doorstep with two suitcases setting by her side. He just stared for a moment.

"Hi, Jim," she said softly. It brought him back to earth.

"Carol Ann," he said "What a treat, and here I am leaving you stranded on the door step. I'm sorry. Please come in."

"I'm here to help for a while, Jim." she said. "I know how much of a job those lovely, lovely little girls are, a handful at thirteen months."

He grinned at that, taking up her suitcases and bringing them in.

"Please send me away, if this isn't what you want, Jim; I seriously won't mind," she said then.

"Not on your life," he said, smiling. "You're an answer to this Dad's prayers. Spring football begins soon and I'll be that busy. You're saving my life. But what about you? I mean your job, the apartment."

"Well," she answered,"I've enough seniority at the hospital that I can pick my shifts and we'll work that out to suit ourselves. The apartment is being watched over by a friend."

She put her hand on his arm then and said:

"I really and seriously don't want to be a difficulty or a problem in your life, Jim. You've had enough and to spare, especially from my, our Jo-Ann."

"Rest in peace!" he said softly.

They hugged then and he kissed her cheek.

He'd always liked Carol Ann Wilson. He, at times, had wondered about her long dead husband, Will. Carol Ann always was down to earth and practical, dependable. Jim had simply wondered where JoAnn had gotten her flightiness from. He suspected it was from her Dad's side of the family.

"Cup of tea? Coffee?" he asked.

"Can I look in on them first?" she asked.

"Of course," he said. "Silly of me; they're napping. I'm off today and we had a busy morning with play time."

She hugged him again: "Jim, you're such a good Dad for them."

Then unexpectedly she cried. He held her, while she cried and simply let her get it out.

"Thank you, honey," she said, "I promise not to constantly be so weepy about this."

The went together to see the twins, who were sleeping, taking their naps. They were lovely little girls, blond headed and developing, thirteen months old.

"Beauties!" she said.

"Glad they don't look like their Dad," was his comment, and they both laughed.

He took her suitcase to the guest room at the end of the hall way. Then they went downstairs to talk about schedules and arrange things.

They decided, in the course of their talk over coffee, that she'd work shifts that had her at home in the evenings. That would give them their evenings free. She wondered out loud about dinner preparations but he assured her that, during the time with JoAnn, he'd become quite a good cook. They also decided that at times the meals could be later to give her time to do the cooking some times. They were pleased and settled in to care for the two little girls that they loved.

At 42, Carol Ann Wilson was an extremely caring person. She was a very popular nurse at the local medical center. She'd lost her husband, Will, to cancer fully nine years ago, and had moved out of their big house into an apartment, saying that the house had too many ghosts, and she wanted to leave them behind. She'd married young, at 18, her high school sweetheart and had had a love affair marriage right up to the day, when Will passed. By then, with JoAnn already at school, she'd made her decision to sell the house and go off to an apartment on her own.

She was a woman of medium height and ever so slightly on the chubby side, she thought, but for all that Carol Ann was lovely. She was fairly large breasted, and, here again her idea of chubbiness, quite rounded over all. She had a head of lovely dark, almost black hair with a reddish gloss to it, whereas JoAnn had been, like her Dad, fair.

The routine that they set up began to work for them very nicely. The first difficulty, if it even could be called that, came a few weeks after they'd settled in to live together and take care of the twins.

Jim woke from a deep sleep, he'd been at practice until a very late hour and simply sank into bed. He wore only a pair of thin pj bottoms to bed, not even, that night, a tee shirt.

But he woke with a start and realized that he heard a noise from next door. He got up a bit groggy and shuffled off to the twins' room. Carol Ann was already there. She was holding little Mandy and cooing to her, while Wendy was beginning to fuss in the crib.

Jim stood in the door way for a few seconds and looked at the scene. What really got his attention, and fairly took his breath away was the fact that a light was on across the room. In the glow of the light Carol Ann, wearing a floor length night gown with thin straps, was simply speaking 'on display.' The light framed her near nakedness as it shone through the gown. Jim got involuntarily hard just looking.

Carol Ann looked at him as he entered the room saying:

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear them fussing."

"No problem, Jim," she said, "I know you worked late. I've got at least one bandit under control."

Then she noticed his erection poking against the fabric of his pjs. She tried to ignore it but he'd seen her glance.

"Sorry, Carol Ann," he said, "Middle of the night and all."

She grinned and said, in a pixieish voice: "I'll take it as a salute."

He reddened as she laughed. Then he went and got Wendy from the crib. They both were due for a bottle and both Jim and Carol Ann sat to feed the girls, who went back to sleep right away.

Jim tried to keep his eyes averted and didn't succeed all that well. He kissed Carol Ann on the cheek 'good night' and went back to his room. He lay in the darkness and simply couldn't get the sight of her in her nightgown with the light framing her naked body, out of his mind. His hand drifted to his renewed erection and, before sleeping he jerked off. He sighed into sleep, after cleaning himself off, thinking again of the view of her in the nightgown.

And there were other incidents too as time went along. He was in charge of the washing up one night. He had the twins in the bath tub, where they were splashing and giggling. He was wearing shorts and a tee shirt. Carol Ann, who was already for bed, and not on 'bath duty' that night came into the room. She wanted to kiss the little angels before she got into bed. She had an early shift the next day and was tired.

She came, wearing a nightgown that was white and not opaque, as the previous one had been. He found himself feeling a bit sorry that this gown wasn't like the nylon one she'd worn before. He thrust the thought out of his mind.

There was just at that time a plethora of splashing from the girls. Carol Ann helped by grabbing little Wendy, while Jim dried off Mandy.

"Stop wiggling, monkey!" Carol Ann said with delight, listening to Wendy's laughter.

The process of corralling Wendy had indeed gotten Carol Ann all wet, all down the front. Finally, Mandy was taken care of and Carol Ann gave Jim Wendy. It was then that he looked and realized, a few seconds before Carol Ann did, that Wendy had gotten her wet enough that the formerly white night gown was now fairly transparent. On display clearly was Carol Ann's right breast and a large, dark erect nipple. There was a panel of wet also down the front of the gown, showing Carol Ann's stomach, slightly rounded, and half of a patch of dark pubic hair.

Jim just stared.

Carol Ann noticed and looked down, and said, with a brief laugh:

"Look at me, I'm a sight."

She glanced up at Jim and saw him looking and changed her message immediately to: "No, don't look at me! The little imp has gotten me wet and made me almost naked!"

Jim, holding and kissing Wendy said softly:

"Just gorgeous from where I'm standing."

Carol Ann blushed and followed him out of the bathroom into the twins' bedroom, where he put Wendy down to sleep.

"Good night, Jim," she said, and still blushing, turned and went to her room.

"Good night, Carol Ann," he said to her retreating back, and then only to himself and very softly indeed he said:

"Thank you, Wendy love!"

It's certainly accurate to say that these events caused a bit of tension between Jim and Carol Ann but their focus was so completely on the twins that no problem came of it. Carol Ann, with the incidents on her mind, decided that they needed to talk about it. One of her friends with whom she worked, promised to baby sit for them. She was a neo-natal nurse, and they went out to dinner.

Carol Ann wore a simple black dress, pearls and pearl earrings, that Will had given her. She had little enough chance to dress up and was pleased for the opportunity. Jim wore an opened neck shirt and a sport jacket.

Jim was nervous but Carol Ann seemed at home with the idea.

"Are you okay?" she asked, as they thank Janice, the baby sitter-nurse, and went to the car.

"Uh, yeah," he said, "Feels a bit like a date!"

"Is that all bad?" she asked him.

He brightened at that point and said: "I guess not; you look so pretty, Carol Ann."

"Thanks, handsome," she said and they went companionably on their way.

They had dinner at a small Italian place, owned by a friend of Carol Ann's. She was greeted effusively at the door by the owner, who also welcomed Jim and commented on Jim's luck to be escorting the most gorgeous woman of the night.

Jim agreed with him readily but Carol Ann interposed telling the host who Jim actually was. The restauranteur simply nodded and smiled at Jim, and gave him a covert wink. Jim grinned, feeling much more at home.

Carol Ann brought up the topic during dinner:

"Jim," she began, "Do you need me to move out? I don't want to ramp up the tension between us. It seems that living in such proximity we are running into complications that neither of us reckoned we'd come across."

"Carol Ann," he said, choosing his words slowly, "We are such a good team. I mean that Mandy and Wendy are getting the best possible care. It's wonderful. That's what matters to me."

"Good," she said then, "We'll just deal with the others?"

"Yes, best," he said, "We'll just deal with the other things."

He grinned at her then and she shot back at him: "What are you thinking, you evil man?"

He laughed and said: "Really want to know?"

"Yes," she said patiently.

"Okay," he laughed again, and went on: "I was thinking that we could deal with those kinds of situations by me carrying a camera around with me, to get it on film for posterity!"

He laughed again, and she joined him in the laugh.

"Beastly man!" she said, "Typical!"

Then her expression changed and she said earnestly:

"Jim, I loved that girl of mine to distraction but I can't for the life of me understand what would cause her, why she would ever want to leave a wonderful man like you, and those beautiful, beautiful girls!"

She had tears in her eyes, as she said it. He put his hand on top of hers and squeezed.

"Tender moment?" the owner asked, as he came to see that they were being treated well.

"Honest moment, Tonio," Carol Ann said, squeezing Jim's hand right back.

When Tonio had left, Jim then said:

"Make me wonder if we will always live with our ghosts."

"Not sure, honey," Carol Ann said. "I suspect that I will one day want to simply say 'good bye' to my love Will and just get on with all of it. Maybe the day is coming; I just don't know."

"Yes," him said as a follow up, "We do seem to allow them to live with us, it seems."

"It does," Carol Ann agreed. "But about the other issue?"

"I think," Jim said, "Unless we adopt my camera plan..." he grinned here and she stuck her tongue out at him. "We just deal with what comes up."

She laughed outrageously, while he was protesting: "I didn't mean that!"

"Serves you right, Mr Camera Man!" she shot back at him.

Their dinner was an all out success. Both of them were determined to not let the tensions, of which they spoke, upset their intention of caring for Wendy and Mandy.

As they walked out of the restaurant, he said to her:

"Carol Ann, you look so special tonight!"

"Thank you," she said back to him, her eyes glowing, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"How about this for a date?" he said then, chuckling. "I mean back to my place, so to speak and to bed, in separate rooms."

She laughed with him and he looked chagrined immediately and said:

"Carol Ann, I apologize for that; I didn't mean the 'my place'. It's back to 'our place', I know that. I'm sorry."

"Don't be silly," she said, "I appreciate the humor of what you were saying."

They were standing by the car, as they talked. She hugged him and put her head on his shoulder before getting into the car.

Or course the tension didn't ease between them. Jim found that he could never push out of his mind the sight of her, either back lit by that light or all wet from a wet Wendy resulting in an almost transparent nightie. It was always on his mind.

To ease his situation, he took to visiting porn sites at night, when he had the chance, picture sites, sites always that emphasized older women. It was more and more on his mind.

It was this periodic preoccupation that brought about the next and signal even in their relationship.

Carol Ann had done the finishing off bed time that evening. They had begun to take turns. It was later in the evening, and she went to Jim's bedroom door. She tapped on the door and, as had become a kind of custom, pushed it open.

"Jim," she began and then "Oh dear!", when she noticed that he was sitting with his back to her. He wore only pj bottoms and was looking at porn on the computer, and was playing with his cock.

His head whipped around and he said quickly: "Oh shit! Sorry, Carol Ann!"

Her reaction surprised him completely:

"Don't you dare turn that off; go back to the site."

He thought it strange but did as she bid him. His erection, which the site had helped him to produce, disappeared immediately.

She walked up behind him and said, in a soft voice:

"Will and I used to look at porn together. It's been such a long time."

She was standing behind him, and had, obviously taken the initiative here. She had her hands on his shoulders and was leaning against him.

"Look at that!" she said, staring at the porn site that offered galleries of photos on different subjects and also various short movie clips on subjects.

"Run down the page for me," she said, "Show me what's there."

He did as he was told, all the while aware of her leaning against him, her hands on his shoulders.

"Oh, look at all these things," she cooed with obvious pleasure as she showed her the variety of what was there.

"Bring up that one," she said, pointing to a shot video clip of a naked woman, hanging from the rafters and being beaten by a belt.

Jim did, his erection beginning to return and Carol Ann simply stared and said a loud:

"Ohhhhhhhh, look at that! Amazing."

When the clip was over she wanted next a clip that showed an older blonde woman who was stripped and then fucked by a ring of black men.

"That one," she said eagerly now, reaching forward to point to the clip of the woman and the black men.

As she bent forward to tell him, show him what she wanted, he was completely aware of the fact that her breasts, her nipples were poking the back of his head. He could feel them restrained by the nylon of her nightie but he was aware of them being there.

They watched the video, which included the stripping of the woman, down to panties before being pushed to her knees to perform oral sex on the black men.

"Oh that's sexy!" she said, as she watched the men strip the pretty older woman. "And she's older too!" Carol Ann continued, "I like that."

"Do you?" he said in a rough voice.

"Oh, I do!" she said.

"But tell me," she went on, "What were you watching; what were you looking at?"

He hesitated and she said:

"Please, Jim, show me."

"Okay," he said and went to the photo gallery that he was looking at. It turned out to be one that showed all sorts of photos of older women in various stages of dress and undress.

"Oh," she said, "Older women too! Ohhhh!"

She lowered her head until her mouth was opposite his ear and said:

"What do you like? What photos? Tell me?"

He hesitated and she stroked his cheek and finally he said:

"I like to watch the women strip, maybe get down to panties or a night gown."

"Oh, yes," she said, "That's so nice." Then she laughed and said:

"I'm just full of 'ohs' tonight. Show me more; go to more of those galleries. I want to see them."

They perused the galleries that she was talking about and then she had a request:

"How about older women and younger men? Are there any?"

"Yes," he said, here, showing her what she wanted.

Behind him, he felt her shift a bit then and once again he felt her breasts and nipples pressing against the back of his head, only this time he noticed, he was sure that they were not restrained by the material of her gown. He wanted it to be so but was afraid to look or ask. She made a movement then and he was sure that her breasts were loose, free.

"Feel that?" she asked in a husky voice.

"Yes," he said, leaning his head back to feel the brushing of those tits against him.

"Can I, may I sit with you?" she asked softly.

"Yes, come," he said, and she moved from standing behind him to where he was sitting.

His breath caught in his throat as he saw that her nightie was already down to her waist, showing a pair of magnificent, large breasts with stiffened nipples.

"Ohhhhhhhh!" he said, when he saw her, "Perfection!"

"Flatterer!" she cooed to him, pushing at the night gown to send it cascading down to her ankles, and presenting herself to him now totally naked.

He held out his arms and gathered her into himself and settled her down on his lap, allowing her to take the computer mouse and select what they would watch next. She giggled as he had to settle his erection in the right place, to provide room for her on his lap.

"What shall we see next?" she asked.

But before he could answer, one of the babies cried.

"Interrupted by the bell," she said, getting up, as he joined her in laughter, and said:

"Interrupted by the twins!"

"Well, let's go," she said then, "Play time is only interrupted, not over."

He gave her a huge smile at that.

She scooped up her nightie and put it on and the two of them went into the twins room, where Wendy was fussing. Carol Ann picked the baby up and cooed to her, bouncing her a bit and walking with her.

She smiled at Jim and said:

"You go back to what we were doing, honey; I'll only be a minute here. Find us something exciting."

"You're what's exciting," he said, and walked back to his bedroom.

It was the door opening that brought his attention away from the screen. She stood in the doorway, the nightlight behind her, dim but framing her nakedness through the folds of her night gown. She pushed one strap off, and he swiveled his chair around to give her all of his attention. Then the other strap was pushed down and she caught the gown with her arms just below her jutting breasts.