Chapter 8: Nadir

Did you know ceilings get cracks in them? They just do. The wood expands and contracts as the house gets warm during the day, then cold at night. The weight of furniture, or people walking, or even the stress of snow on the roof causes these little tiny cracks to form. I knew this because for hours I had been lying on my bed, staring at my ceiling, studying the cracks.

It was all I could do. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't move. Kathy Lee's confession looped over and over and over again in my mind. I replayed the events of the last several weeks in my head, starting with the day Jenny offered to perform 'service' in lieu of rent, except this time ... this time, I knew the truth. I knew about Jenny's awful childhood. I knew about the awful secret of Katie's parentage -- and Jenny's. I knew about her fucked up mother.

The pieces came together to form an awful, ugly jigsaw puzzle. How could this revolting tapestry of sex and abuse and disgusting incest come together to form Jenny's life? Sweet, beautiful Jenny...

Kathy Lee's father was just a sick sonuvabitch. That's all I could figure about him. His wife had some mental disorder, maybe from his sick abuse, who knows? Maybe he had nothing to do with it, but at some point, he started turning to his daughter for sex. For all she knew, it was love. It was perfectly normal. When she got pregnant by her own fucking father, in her screwed up mind, it was all okay.

Then the sick bastard dies -- heart attack she said -- and leaves her a single mom. Jenny grows up watching her mom whore herself out for rent. Then Kathy Lee finds some other piece of work to take care of her and her baby, and when he starts molesting poor, sweet Jenny ... she just lets him. Hell, she's happy about it. She thinks it's love.

Then when Jenny wakes the fuck up, pregnant by her stepfather, she calls the cops, has his ass thrown in prison for a good long time and gets the hell out of that sick house. Good for her.

Until now. Until she met me. God, I'm such an asshole. Just because she made the offer, somehow, I thought it was alright. What is wrong with me?

I look back at those asshole men in Jenny's life. Her father, her stepfather, and I hate them. They're the scum of the earth. Then, I look at myself and ... I'm no better. Not one single shred better.

FUCK!

I fucking hate myself so much right now. What the fuck do I do? How do I make this right? There's got to be a way. Think, man, think.

I had been here before. Standing at Jenny's door, wracked with guilt, too cowardly to knock. I found the courage to do it before. Just do it, man. Knock. Get it over with. Tell her, "No more 'service', Jenny." And this time tell her why. All of it. And tell her you'll get help. You and her together. You'll see a counselor, you'll work this through.

I knocked. There, I did it.

The door opened and, there she was, beautiful, just beautiful. Her hair was all in curls. She must've had it done again. It looked... she looked amazing. She was wearing a tight white turtleneck sweater and white jeans that clung to her legs like they had been painted on.

"Come in and sit down," she said coldly. She sat on the easy chair across from the couch. I sat down.

She was ... she was mad. I could see her biting her lip. Her eyes were stern. She was really angry.

"I know what you did," she said. "I know what you and your fucking whore did YOU SICK FUCK!"

"Jenny, wait! What..." I couldn't get a word in. What was going on?

"You sick, sick fuck!" she was furious, screaming at the top of her lungs. "You fucked my mother on my fucking bed when Katie was right here! Right fucking here!" She was pointing violently at Katie's room. She was fuming mad. Her entire body was tense and shaking. She was brimming with anger. "How could you! How could even THINK of doing something so FUCKING SICK???"

I buried my head in my hands. "Oh, God, Jenny, I'm so sorry," I began.

"Sorry?" she yelled. "You're sorry? You fucked my mom and screamed MY NAME so loud, my 10-year-old daughter could make out every word of it and you're SORRY?"

"Jenny, please, listen to me," I tried again.

"NO! You listen to ME now, you sick fuck," she shouted angrily, asserting herself. "You get the hell out of here. You go straight to your fucking lawyer. You tell him you want a contract. You're going to give me and Katie lifetime use of this apartment for fucking free, you got that? Katie and I live here, for the rest of our lives for free. And then you," she paused and closed her eyes, summoning her strength.

"You never, NEVER come here again. If anything breaks, Mr. Raymond fixes it. You tell him that, because I am NOT calling you. You pay the utilities. You pay the taxes. You pay fucking everything until you are FUCKING DEAD.

"If you ever, EVER come here again, if you so much as look at me or Katie ever again, I will make sure you rot in prison for fucking ever you sick, SICK pedo piece of shit!"

"Jenny, please," I begged her. "Please, listen to me. I know..."

She grabbed the TV remote and threw it at me. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

And so it ended. That was that. I did what Jenny said. I had my lawyer draw up the papers and I signed them. I didn't do it because I was afraid of going to prison. I did it because, it was what I should have done in the first place. I should have taken care of her. I keep looking back at that one moment. That brief instant where it all went wrong. When I should have said 'no' to Jenny's indecent proposal. Actually, it was before that. When Jenny was short on the rent again, why did I threaten to kick her out? It's not like I needed the money that bad. I knew she needed help. I was just being a prick.

And now ... now, I'm truly suffering for it. I actually do wish Jenny would turn me in. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be free, to have this life.

Every night, I lie in bed and Jenny fills my thoughts. She left a huge void in my heart. Every night, the pain comes. It's more pain than I ever thought possible. It's the pain felt by her absence. Knowing I will never see her again. Worse yet, knowing that I betrayed her. The guilt was almost unbearable, but I endured it. I endured it because it was pain I deserved to feel. I wanted to feel it. I wasn't in prison, but I had to endure some punishment for what I'd done. For the terrible betrayal I inflicted on the woman I ... No, it's too late. It's too late for me to admit that. Pain is all I have now.

I was never much of a drinker. Alcohol, well it just doesn't taste good and being drunk is just scary. Falling down all over the place, being out of control of your body, not being able to think straight. No thank you!

But pain can do funny things to you. I started drinking. When I drank, I thought. I thought about Jenny, mostly, but other things. Strange things. Like Kathy Lee.

That's how I ended up here. I was drunk (just a little) standing in front of a rundown trailer in the middle of a rundown trailer park. The screen door hung precariously on its hinges. I took another swig from my bottle of ... what was this shit anyway? Something strong. I'll have to send Mr. Raymond up to fix that door, I thought. Oh wait, this isn't my trailer park. It's not my fucking problem. It's ... it's...

Oh, that's right. It's Kathy Lee's... ! That's why I was here! To see Kathy Lee!

The screen door rattled violently as I pounded on it, threatening to fall off its hinges.

I waited and waited. I pounded again. Then, the door opened and there she was! My Jenny! Well, not really ... it was her sister though ... her sister and her mom, all rolled into one!

"Hello, lover!" she said with a smile, happy to see me (and maybe just a bit drunk, too). She gave me a big hug. "C'mon in, Sugar. It's been ages!"

I entered her trailer, penetrating a fog of sweltering heat.

Kathy Lee was wearing a bathrobe. I'll bet she wasn't wearing much underneath. In this sweat lodge of a trailer, I couldn't blame her. I stripped off my cold-weather clothes.