Chapter 12: Screen Test

From the day he was born, people swore Karl Savage was destined for great things. After all, Mamma Dearest was the most popular madam in Beverley Hills. Her many satisfied clients referred to her as a "public relations consultant," when they itemized her services on their expense sheets for tax purposes. Karl damned well knew he got his brains from her.

On the other hand, Daddy Dearest was none other then Rod Savage, gay adventure hero who would have won an Oscar if it hadn't been for two things. First problem was the unfortunate swish of his ass when he tried to walk manfully across the set in front of a cruel camera. The second problem Rod had was his ever so slightly effeminate lisp. Every director who ever worked with him said the same thing, "That Nelly bastard would snag at least an Oscar nomination if he could only handle the role of a straight man."

Rod Savage made forty-three manfully acted pictures in which he was either photographed from the waist up so his wiggling ass would not show or photographed only from the front, walking toward the camera, where it also would not be quite so apparent. Everything else was shot with him on a rearing stallion or when he punched a bad guy in the chops or shot someone dead.

The camera switched to only show him from the waist up if the scene was of him walking ruggedly away, whit his wide shoulders hunched manfully forward. Also, he never uttered a single sentence with the "ess" sound in it in any of his movies. Hours of speech training were useless. With his rugged, Randolph Scott type features and scowling face, speaking such notable lines as, "Die, Dirty Darrel" and "I'm gonna blow your damned head clean off," he became known as "king of the B western movies." However, there were those cruel people who referred to him as "The queen of Hollywood"

When reporters interviewed him he grunted his answers, belched a lot and lapsed into manful, brooding silence while a non-lisper from the studio was always present to interpret his answers and explain.

Then the calamity befell him that changed his life forever. He was photographed by the vice squad giving a blowjob to a young sailor in the alley behind the Brown Derby. Because of the spate of recent brutality charges, the vice boys photographed every stop or arrest they made. As if that was not bad enough, some unscrupulous cop sold the film to a television reporter.

Rod might have talked his way out of that one by claiming it was a girl in the sailor suit or merely state, "I did not have sex with that person." (After all, in later years it sort of worked for Clinton, didn't it?) But he opened his mouth at "the scene of the crime" and spoke the memorable line, "Thit, thit, thit, I been buthted." No matter how hard he tried, he could not regain his manly image after that.

As a last act of desperation, he got drunk enough to work up the courage to proposition Heidi Flesh, call girl supreme. For two hundred thousand dollars she accepted the offer and agreed to help him in his futile campaign to regain his lost masculine image. Every morning he tried the Cary Grant and Van Johnson solution. If you're queer and get caught doing queer things, the best way to become an instant real man is to make a baby.

Each morning he presented himself at the front door of Heidi's lush Beverley Hills apartment. Once there he performed the most repulsive act in his life. He had actual sex with a real woman, naked, bare bodied, unprotected sex. The poor man came close to a nervous breakdown before his little wigglers finally fertilized Heidi's egg.

It took six months before he finally succeeded and became an expectant father. Heidi reported she was knocked up and he thankfully swished away, as he sang with a lisp, "I'll wash that gal right out of my hair. Yeth!"

Heidi smiled, collected her substantial reward and confided to a friend, "It was as close to having a lesbian experience as I ever had without actually having sex with a lesbian. God, but it felt kinky as hell."

Rod Savage never did make another picture or another baby. He opened a gay bar in Santa Monica and retired from acting. He decorated the walls of "The Savage Place" with action pictures of him fighting bad guys and shooting Indians from horseback.

Oddly enough, much to her joyous surprise Heidi discovered she liked being a mama and quit turning tricks personally. She subcontracted everything to younger, less talented girls and devoted all her time to little Karl. She also took Karl to visit his daddy at the bar every Sunday morning. The outings in Santa Monica were a treat for both of them. In essence, Karl had a mamma and a half and a kind of a semi daddy. He grew up quite happy, whith loads of talent. The problem was, he first had to find out his talent lay.

He attended acting school and found he couldn't act worth a damn He studied to be a director and learned he couldn't direct worth a damn. Just as he was about to admit defeat and become a movie critic, he found his true calling in life. Quite by accident he discovered the camera and then found his true calling. He was a genius with a camera. By age thirty he was the most sought after cameraman in the industry.

Mike and Willow drove up to the first line of defense on Amanda's Benedict Canyon Road retreat. Two mean looking, heavily armed guards stood in front of the gate. They acted as if they ate raw pit bulls for breakfast and enjoyed every bite. Willow Jones got ready to bail out of her car and run like hell back down the road when one of the guards approached the window on her side. He made cranking gestures with the hand not resting on his sidearm. "Y-yes?" she squeaked.

"Murph, stop scaring the girl," Mike called to the guard.

"Hey Mike, I didn't see you in there." The guard smiled and suddenly didn't look like Godzilla's bigger, uglier, meaner brother any more.

"Open up, we have business." Mike's swollen face stared at Murphy.

"Yeah, we heard about the trouble that come down in Long Beach. Go on up. This place is busier than Madam Wong's on army payday. We got real actresses and actors and directors scoping out the place."

He grinned wider as he looked down at Willow, "Damn but you do know where the good ones are hidden." He stepped back and Mike told Willow to drive on through.

Mike got out as soon as they were parked and hurried around to open the door for Willow. She stepped out and took Mike's arm. Two more guards appeared from the shadows and greeted them. "Go on in, Mike, they're waiting for you.

As the gates rolled back, Willow gasped, "Who lives here, royalty?" The fountain sprayed water into the air, one of the albino brook trout leaped into the air to snap at an unlucky bug. Flowers were in full bloom everywhere you looked. An idle helicopter sat waiting to one side of the parking area.

"Naw, this is Amanda Lust's other home when she wants to get away from it all. Let's go on in." Mike led the way up the broad steps with a very impressed and nervous Willow following behind.

"We can't go in here," she objected, "they will just make us leave. You told me you would show me where you work." Wide eyed, she stared around them.

Mike opened the door and said, "Come on in. I work here." He grinned

She gasped as She came to greet them at the door. "You must be Willow. Billy called and said Mike would bring a guest with him, but he forgot to mention how beautiful you are."

"Oh my god!" she exclaimed.

"She's not even close to being a god. She might be a goddess, but never a god," a man with a bruised face greeted her. "I'm Mark," she told Willow. "And Mike was right when he said you were beautiful. Please come in."

Awestruck to the point of collapse, Willow permitted herself to be led into the house. Suddenly she turned to Mike. "I thought you were bragging when you said you were working on the Amanda Lust story. You really meant it about the screen test and everything. You lied to me!"