Chapter 15

I drove her home. It was awkward in the car, but not impossible. She asked questions about the new case with Wally. When we got to her house, she sat for a moment and then looked at me.

"Are you coming in?"

I was honest with her. "I would, but I have some things I need to get done, and I don't want our first chance to talk about things to be rushed. Can I come back later tonight?"

"Yes."

"I won't try to stay too late," I said, worried that she might suspect my motives for wanting to be there.

Her hands came to that swollen belly. "I've let you stay before, Bob."

I took her hand. "We'll get through this," I said. "This doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"I never thought it was," she said. "Tough ... yes. Trying ... yes. Great for my future ... no. But I've never thought of it as a bad thing."

"Good," I sighed. "I'm getting really excited, and I'm going to babble or say something stupid, so I'm leaving. I want to kiss you in the worst way."

"You could kiss me in the best way instead," she teased.

I cannot put into words how good it felt that she could tease me at that moment. I wanted to shout out about my undying love for her and jump up and down and do all the things that a man normally does when he finds out he's going to be a father for the first time - and is excited about it.

But I clamped down. Things weren't "all better" yet. There was hope, but I wasn't going to thunder in like a herd of elephants.

"I'll see you tonight," I said, and leaned in for a not too long, not too short, soft lipped kiss. When I pulled away her eyes were misty. "I'm glad I get to come see you tonight."

"Me too," she said, and then turned and rushed inside.

When I got there that night it was Timothy who opened the door. He had grown a bit, but his face was still the eager, happy face of a boy who now believed more than anything that Santa had sent me to help make him a baby brother. I had no idea what Eva had told him about her condition, but he wasn't unable to make the connection, particularly if she hadn't dated any other men since me.

"Why'd you stay away so long?" he complained, as he let me in. He also gave me a hug.

"I had some serious cases to work on," I said. "I'm really sorry."

"It made mom cry sometimes," he said.

"I'm sorry about that too," I said. "I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen any more."

"Okay."

I looked up to see Eva standing in the doorway, watching us. She had on a blue T shirt that molded itself to her body closely. On the top of her bulge the shirt said "<baby>" and underneath was "</baby>". I knew just enough about html code to understand what that meant. I felt the same stirring in my pants that I always felt when I saw her. She smiled tentatively.

They had eaten and Timothy, thinking things were completely back to normal, hauled out the Parcheesi board and marbles. I looked at Eva, who shrugged her shoulders, and then we sat and played a game. It wasn't until it was Timothy's bed time that we got a chance to talk.

I had done a lot of thinking during the afternoon. It seemed to me that poor communication, or complete lack of communication, had led to the problem we now faced.

Well ... unprotected sex had led to the problem, actually, except I had decided that, from my vantage point, it wasn't really a problem.

"I need to say some things," I said.

"Me too."

"Can I go first?" I asked.

She nodded.

"Okay, here's the deal. I'm just going to tell you how I feel. That doesn't mean I have any particular expectations. I'm not actually asking you to do anything or make any hard and fast decisions at this point ... okay?"

She nodded again.

"Okay," I said. I realized I'd said "Okay" three times in the last sixty seconds, and that I was nervous. "I have sort of resisted entering into intimate, long term relationships with women for a long time. What I do is hard on marriages. It's dangerous sometimes, and the hours are totally screwed up. And none of the women I met made me want to do what it would take to have a good, long term intimate relationship. And then you came along and I think you slipped in under my radar or something, because I didn't intend to enter into any kind of relationship with you. I liked you. I thought you were good looking. You were interesting, and I liked Timothy, which meant I had some appreciation for the mother who had raised him to be, what appeared on the surface, at least, such a good kid. But I had no designs on you.

"And something happened that made me keep wanting to spend more time with you. It wasn't like a regular dating relationship. I think you know that. In fact, it wasn't like any kind of relationship I've ever had. And it wasn't until you told me not to come back that I realized how precious the thing was that I had lost.

"I'm not an expert on love. I don't know if I've ever been in true love before, but if what I feel for you isn't true love, I'm not sure I ever want to find that, because I was miserable the whole time we were apart. I think I love you, Eva. I know that's not how it's supposed to go romantically. I'm supposed to know and spout poetry and all that. And I don't know how you feel about being pregnant without planning it, but thinking about you ... like this ... with part of me in you ... I feel like I could fly. And if this baby can somehow weld us together ... I'd be the happiest man on Earth."

I stopped. My mouth was dry. I felt like I had babbled. I half expected her to laugh at me.

"Your turn," I said, uneasily.

She looked at me calmly for a few seconds.

"I do know what it feels like to be in love," she said. "I loved Reggie with everything I had in me, and when he died it left me empty. I was sure I'd never love again. Not like that. Timothy became my life. Over time I realized I was lonely, and it was hard to make ends meet, and when Wallace came along I took a chance. It was the worst thing that ever happened to us other than Reggie's death. And then Wallace went to prison and things calmed down. Without him draining off resources, it seemed like we had more than we did before he got there. And we weren't living in fear any more. Life got bearable."

She reached out suddenly and touched the side of my chin.

"And then you barged into our life, and everything was topsy turvy again. I know Wallace coming back wasn't your fault, but if he hadn't been there I'm not sure I would have ... risked ... I can't explain it, except that I felt safe with you, and it was so good to be close to a nice man, and you were handsome, and I lost control, and that was so wonderful it scared me almost to death because I was sure I'd never feel those things again. I pushed you away because I was confused and scared. And all you did was be sweet, and caring and suddenly I was feeling things for you that were like what I felt for Reggie and that terrified me, because we really hardly knew each other ... you know?"

I nodded. I knew what being terrified of feelings was like when this woman was involved.

"And I lost control again, and it was even better that time, and then I was terrified that something would jinx it, and I tried to cool it again, and then I missed a period. I knew you liked me, but that's not the same as being glad about this." She cupped her belly with both hands again. I wanted to reach and cup it too, but resisted. "And I knew that if I told you, you'd step up. You're just that kind of man. But I was afraid you'd do that out of duty, rather than choice, and the thought of you being unhappy, chained to me ... I couldn't stand the thought."

"So you pushed me away," I said.

She nodded.

"That was incredibly stupid," I said.

She blinked and stared at me.

"It will be even harder to raise two kids alone," I said.

"I know that!" she snapped.

"I can help."

"I don't want to ask for money," she said.

"I'm not offering it. Not directly, anyway."

She looked at me and for the first time I saw something like worry on her face.

I've been a detective a long time. I read her easily this time.

"You're worried I'm going to ask you to marry me," I said.

Worry turned to surprise and then she made an obvious effort to make her face neutral.

"Well, color me glad I didn't make the mistake of going that route," I said.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"You'd have said no, and there would have been an increase in tension. We have enough tension in this relationship as it is. We don't need more."

"So you don't want to marry me?"

"No, I think I probably do want to marry you. But I haven't had time to think about that. Have you?"

She nodded, and this time it was my turn to be surprised. I recovered quickly, though.

"Please tell me about that," I said.

"I don't remember what we were doing, but we were all together one night and I looked over at you and I wanted to be taken to bed. And I thought to myself about how if we were married you would be there all the time, and you would take me to bed whenever I wanted. And then I thought about Reggie, and felt guilty and it ruined the mood."

"If you had died, and Reggie was left to raise Timothy, would you want Reggie to find that kind of happiness with another woman?"

"No," she said instantly. She looked uncomfortable and then said "Okay, yes, but I can't feel like that now. It's just too weird."

"So we could never get married, because of Reggie."

"No. I don't know. All I know is that I can't just forget him."

"I'm not asking you to forget him. I'm not trying to take his place. I just want you to be happy, and if possible for me to be happy with you. I don't know what form that would take, but it's what I want most."