Chapter 2

Scott was almost a permanent resident now, even on school nights, most times sharing the evening meal with us. Mum and dad knew our relationship had taken the extra step, and at times, I caught one or the other smiling at us. Probably remembering their earlier lives. I still had homework to do and he often helped. Although I had the sneaking suspicion, it was only to be close to me. Not that you would have heard me complain. Whatever his reason, he was a big help, and my marks soared.

Friday and Saturday night were date nights. Sometimes we would go out with Paul and Sue, others, we'd go off on our own. The movies were good, as was a walk in the park, but it didn't matter, just being together was enough.

On the spiritual side, our love life was blooming, on the more intimate side it was stalemate. Scott wasn't allowed to take girls to where he lived, and I doubted mum and dad would take too kindly to his sleeping with me at home. Being inventive, we found ways of relieving our frustrations, hands and fingers taking on a new purpose.

At school, my friends noticed the change in me, and almost each day I had to dodge their barrage of questions. I would have loved to tell them, but schoolyard gossip would soon spread it everywhere. Probably ending up having little in common with the truth. I settled for saying nothing, just meeting them with a smile.

Our parents hadn't been playing fair, it had been weeks since they had gone off for a weekend together, but now at last they were. Paul and I were pleased the moment we heard, and the silly grin on his face suggested he was as much in need of Sue, as I was for Scott.

On the Wednesday before they were to leave, I came home from school all bubbly with the anticipation of another two nights alone with my love. Paul's car was in the driveway, and my heartbeat faster, knowing Stott would be with him.

Bounding into the kitchen, I dumped my bag on a chair as I did, then looked for Scott. I looked at Paul and mum, the expression on their faces dulled my effervescent mood.

I looked at them again, both had red puffy eyes, it was obvious they'd been crying. "Where's Scott?" I asked looking from one to the other. A feeling of panic rising.

Mum held out her hand to me. "Come and sit down dear. We have something to tell you."

My heart sank. This was not good. My joyful mood was gone. As mum led me to the table, it felt as though I was walking in slow motion, each step an effort. Paul bolted to his room and shut the door, but I could hear him sobbing. Then I knew.

"Where's Scott," I screamed, my eyes darting around the room, expecting to see him.

Mum looked at me, trying to hold back her tears. "There has been an accident at work."

"Take me to him. I want to see him." I jumped out of the chair, grabbing for mum's hand. "Come on. Take me to him."

"We can't dear. Scott passed away on the way to hospital."

"Noooo." I wailed. "You're lying. Take me to him." But I knew she wasn't. A feeling of cold dread came over me. What would I do? How could I go on living without him? Did I even want to? Then the dark cloud, conjured up from the deepest recesses of my mind gradually enveloped me. Then a blissful nothing.

I was in my PJ's and in bed when I eventually faced the world again. I wondered if I'd been dreaming. Then reality set in, and I knew I hadn't. From the depths of my sole, I began to cry. Heart-wrenching wails escaped my lips as I wallowed in my loss. Suddenly I thought of Scott, and what he had lost. He had lost me, and the wonderful life we'd planned together. Again, the cry of self-pity escaped me as my mind groped for something that would help me understand.

"Cry all you want," I heard mum say, as her hand rested gently on my shoulder.

I hadn't realised there was anyone with me, and I opened my eyes, trying to focus through the tears. Mum and dad were there, sitting on the side of my bed, both obviously distressed. I sat up, my arms going around them, hugging their heads either side of mine.

"Why Scott," I managed to say between sobs. "Didn't he know I loved him?"

"He knew. We all did," dad said, as he held me tighter. For the first time showing his love for me.

"Where's Paul? Is he alright?" I asked thinking they had been in a car accident. Then remembered I had already seen him.

"Paul's fine," dad assured me. "But he was there when it happened, and he's feeling the loss badly."

"What happened?"

"An accident. Scott tripped and fell."

I had visions of my love falling from the top of the building he and Paul were working on. Of his desperate struggle to find something to hold on to as he fell, knowing he was in trouble.

"He didn't fall far," dad said reading my thoughts. "He fell and hit his head. Paul was able to jump the short distance to get to him."

Again, the cloud settled over me, gradually shutting out the pain.

The next two days were a blur. Mum feeding me some vile concoction. Yet aware that someone was always with me. Of strange comings and goings. Doorbells ringing. Foot steps. It never seemed to stop. Snatches of conversation that didn't make sense. Words like, 'sleep is the best thing for her, ' mixed in with, 'compensation, funeral, and next of kin.' Nothing but garbled words out of context.

For two nights, I was vaguely aware of Paul and Sue sitting with me, the soft murmurs of their voices a soothing sound. The nightmares were the worst, always the same, falling, falling, desperately clutching for unseen things. I would wakeup screaming, but always there was a calming hand, Sue's gentle voice comforting me until I slept again.

Friday I awoke and glanced at the clock. It was lunchtime, and I was hungry. I lay for a while trying to remember the events of the last few days. Only one thing came to mind, I would never see Scott again. Never feel his arms around me. Never feel his lips on mine.

My need for the bathroom broke the sombre mood. In somewhat of a stupefied state, I attended to my ablutions, wondering how I had managed to go so long without going, or showering. Gradually, back through the murkiness of the last couple of days, I had impressions of mum helping me.

Everyone had been so kind. Mum seeing to the girl stuff, sitting with me during the day with dad, Paul and Sue taking it in turns to be with me through the night.

Showered, and feeling much brighter, and back in my PJ's, my hunger took precedence over everything else. The moment I entered the kitchen, mum was on her feet. "Sit down dear, I'll get you something."

Sitting at the table I was surprised to see Paul and dad sitting there. "Why aren't you two at work?"

Dad cleared his throat, and then looked at Paul. "Dad has been arranging things."

"What do you mean?"

"Scott's funeral. He didn't have anyone else."

"He had me." The moment the words were out of my mouth I wished I could take them back. We were Scott's surrogate family, and I knew they were feeling this loss almost as much as I was. Besides what use would I have been over the last couple of days. "Will it be nice?"

"Very. He was a well-organised young man. He planned for everything."

"But he couldn't have known. It was an accident."

"We're born, we live, and we die." Dad said. "We all know that. It is just the timing of it that we don't know. For whatever reason, Scott planned for it, along with other details."

Mum putting food in front of me, distracted me from dad's last comment. I was hungry, but could only pick at the food, gradually accepting Scott was gone. No tears now, no feeling sorry for me, instead an icy chill settled in my heart as my emotions shut down. Emotionally, I was as dead as Scott was.

Now, instead of picking at the food in front of me, I began to eat ravenously. Life went on, and I needed to eat.

"How did he want to go?"

Paul looked at me and held my hand. "Cremation."

Good, we wouldn't be standing around an ugly hole, watching people shuffling from one foot to the other. No listening to the coffin bumping against the sides as it was lowered, dirt falling in on it. Some of us would be grieving of course, but most turned up at funerals because they thought it was the thing to do.

"Can I see him?"

"We wondered if you would." Dad held my free hand and looked at me. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

He got up and went to the phone, and after a few minutes sat back at the table. "Three o'clock okay with you? We'll need to leave at two thirty."

"Yeah, that's fine. Would you come with me?" I asked looking at Paul.

"I'd like that."

Dad knew Paul was upset and shouldn't be driving. "I'll take you."

We had half an hour to get ready. I pushed away from the table, surprised my plate was empty. This would be a first for me. I had been to funerals, but never to a viewing, but I wanted to go.