Chapter 4

Life went on at the Starr household after Tara left. Helen moved on to high school and gave up soccer. To my dismay and anxiety, she discovered boys. She and Tara kept in touch with via email, but over time they became less frequent so I didn't learn much about her life.

And then one day there was a knock on my office door at the hospital. One of the nurses, I can't even remember which, stormed into my office. I looked up from my paperwork.

"It's your wife, Dr. Starr."

"What about her?"

"She's here."

"Okay, let her in."

"No, she's in Emergency. She's..." Her bottom lip quivered as she stood there staring at me.

I leapt from my chair and bolted out of the office. I didn't bother waiting for the elevator, running down the stairs instead. I got to the second floor and made the turn too fast. My feet tangled and I rolled and bounced to the first floor landing. My right elbow and shoulder hurt, but I ignored it as I dashed down the halls. At Emergency, a nurse jumped out from behind the desk.

"Where's my wife?" I shouted.

She stared at me without saying anything. I grabbed her shoulders and shook her. She began to cry.

"Steve, stop it!"

I spun around. It was one of the ER doctors. I had seen the look on his face too many times. I probably had that same expression when I needed to tell someone their loved one didn't make it. I fell to my knees and cupped my face in my hands and bawled. Right there in the middle of Emergency.

It was hard after that, but thankfully Helen was old enough not to need the day to day care of a mother. Don't get me wrong, there was a void in both our lives. But time heals -- life goes on.

One Saturday afternoon the doorbell rang. I answered it and stared at the young woman wearing shorts and a maroon ASU tee-shirt.

"If the car's crowded, I have dibs on your lap," she said.

Bewildered, I stared at her. She stared back, not saying anything. And then her face contorted before bursting into laughter. I still stared.

"Hi, Mr. Starr."

The loveliness before me looked familiar. A former patient? And what was that remark about the car? My jaw dropped.

"Tara?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Oh my god, come in, come in. What are you doing here? Helen's not here. She went away for the weekend. Oh my god, come in."

We went into the living room and I couldn't stop asking her questions about her life and her family. I was so happy to see her.

"I'm so sorry about Mrs. Starr," she said. "I meant to call, but I couldn't. I heard it was a car accident."

"No, it was an aneurysm. One minute she was laughing and the next..."

I couldn't talk about it. It had been almost three years and I still couldn't.

Tara left her chair and sat on the couch next to me. She took my hand and held it on her knee, patting it. I looked at her with teary eyes and forced a weak smile.

"So what are you doing here?"

"I came to say hello."

"No, I mean here ... in Phoenix."

Tara stood up and held her arms out to her sides. I stared at her breasts. Not large, but she filled out from her little pointy ones. Confused, I looked up at her face.

"ASU," she said. "I'm starting this fall. I always wanted to go there."

I chuckled. "Yeah, sometimes I thought the only clothes you had were from ASU."

"When did you stop wearing glasses?" she asked. "Contacts?"

"No, lasik surgery. I hated those glasses."

"If not for those glasses I wouldn't have sat on your lap and, well, a lot would be different."

"I never thought of that."

Tara got serious. "I'm sort of nervous about seeing Helen. I, um, wasn't very good at keeping in touch."

"I'm sure it will be fine. By the way, why didn't you keep in touch?"

Tara lowered her eyes. For a moment she looked like the little girl I had watched grow up. She looked at me.

"It was hard being so far away."

"Why?"

"I missed you and it was hard hearing about you and not being able to be with you."

I gave a nervous chuckle. "Yeah, schoolgirl crushes are--"

"It wasn't like that. Okay, I was young. But it wasn't a stupid schoolgirl crush."

She sat back down, but not next to me. She was on the other end of the couch. I stared at her. Her eyes were watering so I scooted along the couch and took her hand in mine. I brought it up to my lips and kissed it.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't mean it that way. But I'm sure you've had many boyfriends since."

"No. Well, I went on dates and to the prom, but I didn't have a boyfriend."

"Why not? You're a beautiful young woman."

Her eyes dropped again and she said softly, "I still love you." Then she looked up. "Kind of foolish, huh?"

I stared at her in silence.

"I'm ready now, you know," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"In your office you told me to tell you when I was ready. I was scared back then, but not anymore."

"Tara, I'm an old man compared to you."

"Are we going to rehash that? You're not old. Okay, there's an age difference, but so what? I loved you back then and I still do. You probably don't feel the same way--"

"Tara, I loved you back then, too. I told you it was like a daughter, and that was partly true, but it was more. I can't explain why, but I did. I think I'll always love you."

"So what now?"

"I don't know."

"Can we go out sometime? Like on a date. Maybe you'll see that I've grown up. I'm not that horny teenager anymore." She giggled. "Well, I guess at eighteen I'm still a horny teenager."

I held my hand out. Tara hesitated and then took it. I stood her up and turned her around. With her back to me, I pulled her onto my lap.

"Feel anything?" I asked.

She wiggled on my lap and leaned against me with her head tilted back and her mouth next to my ear. "Is that a mouse in your pocket or are you glad to see me?"

"It's not a mouse."

She kissed my ear and I pulled her around so that our mouths were together. The kiss was as passionate as it had been four years earlier. She placed my hand on her breast.

"I see you've learned to wear a bra," I said.

"They're bigger now. You were right about that. But it can easily be removed."

"Tara, are you sure about this?"

"I guess I could suck you off like I used to, but I would much rather fu--" She put on a little girl's expression. "Mr. Starr, it is okay to use the 'f' word now?" She batted her eyelashes.