I Met Her in a Pub

by Jack Green

Copyright© 2010 by Jack Green

Funny Sex Story: A man walks into a bar! He sees a sexy girl and chats her up. He walks her home and invites himself up to her flat where he gets a first class screwing, followed by a first class surprise! A standing prick has no conscience, neither does it have much sense. A cautionary tale for all self obsessed males( that's all of us...right?)

Caution: This Funny Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa   Consensual   Heterosexual   Humor   Safe Sex   .

I didn't notice her when I first went into the pub. I had come to collect my winnings and had zeroed in on the bar. The night before I had hit the jackpot on the highest paying out One Arm Bandit in 'The Rose and Crown " and now, lunch time Tuesday, I had come to pick up £150 in banknotes - think of the effort in trying to carry that many £1 coins home!

Kevin the Barman had the envelope of cash ready.

"Here you are John" he said, handing over the envelope. "Do you want to count it?"

"If I can't trust the barman of my local boozer who can I trust" I said laughing.

Kevin looked pleased but it would be a brave man (which I'm not) to insinuate that he couldn't be trusted. He looked like he ran through brick walls for fun every morning, with a face that had seen much mayhem judging by the scars it bore. Rumour had it that he had been thrown out of the French Foreign Legion for being too brutal and bloodthirsty.

We never had any trouble in the pub since he had started working behind the bar. Not that he was belligerent or aggressive ; he just looked as if he could, and would, rip your head off if you gave him just cause.

I bought a pint, and one for Kevin, and then glanced around the bar room. It was about 1.30pm and most of the lunch time drinkers had left. I rarely came in on a Tuesday - Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings were my prime cunt hunting times - this pub had a high incidence of available single girls on those evenings and I had enjoyed many a good night of bonking after being on a pussy hunt in this favourite pub of mine.

It was then that I saw her. She was sitting in a corner booth, a slim dark haired girl who simply exuded sex appeal - well she did as far as I was concerned. I gave her a wink, which she couldn't have seen as she didn't respond. She was alone but being such a sex magnet I thought there must be a boy friend or husband lurking somewhere nearby.

I checked the table she was sitting at and saw no extra glasses or bottles, only a tall glass that looked to contain a Pimms No1. Marvellous! It's a well known fact that girls who drink Pimms No1 are up always up for it and screw like rabid rattlesnakes (well that's what Jonty Barlow reckons and he has indulged in more rumpty pumpty than the whole of the Chelsea football team put together, reserves and all!)

I got a couple of packets of peanuts from Kevin and sauntered over to her table. As I got nearer to her I got hornier. My penis sent an urgent message to my brain. 'You must have her!'

"Hi" I said "My name's John, may I join you?"

She looked up, a slight frown on her face.

"It's a free country" she said in a low, husky sexy voice.

"But for how long?" I asked, always a good ploy to show interest in politics - the number of Young Liberal Democrats (female!) I've had in my bed proves that.

She couldn't have been a Lib. Dem. as she ignored that ploy.

She took a drink from her glass, leaving a perfect print of her lips on the rim.

(Another urgent message from penis central ' YOU MUST HAVE HER!' )

"I haven't seen you in here before" I said, shifting into 'getting to know you' mode.

"I've not seen you in here before either," she responded, a bit wearily.

"I don't usually come in on a Tuesday, I'm a Monday, Wednesday and Friday evening regular."

I gave her this information so that she would know when and where to find me.

"I'm a Tuesday and Saturday midday regular" she said "which may explain the reason neither of us has seen each other before."

"I'd certainly remember seeing you." I tossed a peanut up in the air and caught it in my mouth, a party trick of mine.

"Likewise!" she said flatly.

I threw more peanuts and caught them all. I thought of telling her that my record stood at 43 peanuts on the trot ... pretty impressive huh!

I threw another one up and quick as a striking cobra the girl got up and caught it in her mouth!

"Bloody hell!" I said. "That's fantastic, here have this pack and let's see who catches most."

She took the other pack and for about 5 minutes we threw peanuts and caught them - well she caught most, she was like greased lightning.

Before I could wow her with more of my party tricks she got up to leave.

"It's been ... interesting to meet you" she said as she made her way to the exit.

"Oh I'm on my way home now as well" I said, swiftly catching her up as she went out the door.

We walked along together, well almost together - she was a few feet in front of me.

I managed to catch up with her as she waited to cross a road and then we had a conversation.

"What do you do for a living?" she asked.

I told her I was the head of the paper-clip and staple distribution department of a merchant bank in the City.

"Yes" she mused. "You seem like a merchant banker."

We continued walking along while I told her what exciting things happen in the department until she stopped outside of an upmarket apartment block.

"This is me" she said and made to go into the entrance.

"Can I come in for a coffee" I pleaded, "we could get to know each other better".

She gave me an appraising look. "You mean 'can I come in and have sex with you'?"

The question took me by surprise, I hadn't realised how irresistible I was to this woman.

"Yes I do" I said authoritatively.

"OK" she said, and taking hold of my hand walked me up two flights of stairs to her flat.

She opened the door and we went into the kitchen where she poured out two glasses of Merlot.

"The bedroom is across the hall" she said "take your drink in there, get your clothes off and I'll be with you in a minute".

The bedroom was a passion palace. King sized bed mirrored ceiling, straps and chains fixed to some of the chairs, with a whip in the corner. Golly, I've pulled a nympho today!

I got my clothes off in double quick time, drank my wine and lay on the bed.

"Good, I see you're ready for action" she said, with a smile as she entered the room and I could see she was impressed with my equipment on show. She started unbuttoning her blouse.

"Oh, do you want me to do a slow or fast strip" she said, her fingers at her top button.

"Slow" I gasped, what a girl, thinks of everything!

She did a slow sexy strip and when her bra came off I saw she wore tassels on her nipples! She rotated them, first one way and then the other, and then contra rotated them. Bloody amazing.

She eventually slid out of her panties and kicked them over to me.

"You can keep them as a memento if you like" she said, adding, "do you have a condom?"

I hadn't as it happened but I said "I'm clean we don't need one".

"Well I might not be and you might be a liar, which is why I always use one!" She went over to a desk and held up a selection of condoms.

"Ribbed, extra sensitive, coloured, flavoured? I don't think we need the extra large".

I chose the extra sensitive.

"Shall I put it on you by hand or by mouth?" She waited for my answer.

"Mouth" I croaked.

She expertly rolled it over my rampant dick and then said, " Do you want me on top, underneath or a combination of both?"

"Both" I croaked.

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