Chapter 2

Contradictions do not exist.

Shannon had seen this premise forcefully argued in some book she had read, but couldn't quite remember the author. Ronell, or Rand, or something. She was just some forgotten twentieth century philosopher who had fallen out of favor and whose ideas would no longer be discussed in academic circles.

If the philosopher had a name, Shannon would have searched out those essays for insight. The author had seemed so sure that there was an objectivist truth in every situation. A is A. Contradictions do not exist.

Shannon craved those kinds of assurances. She wanted to know that there was some answer to her seemingly contradictory nature. Why would she struggle so hard to be independent, and then surrender so easily to the mind games of Elizabeth Fisher? Why did she seek the respect of those people who thought the worst of her, and then, through her actions, prove that she was unworthy of their respect?

Why would she sit in this Political Science classroom, working on a puzzle she was unsure she could ever solve, while every impulse within her wanted to give-up, and just become the mindless, empty-headed thing that she was transformed into during...

... well, during the moments that she was so ashamed of, like her most recent humiliation in the office of Elizabeth Fisher.

Another contradiction. It seemed so wrong to allow it to happen, but it felt so good. The conclusion that Elizabeth Fisher was giving her was a difficult one to swallow.

"Bethany was teaching you a lesson about your place in the food chain," the older woman had taunted, her eyes still holding Shannon shamefully in position.

Truth. It had an ugly ring to it. But it wasn't the whole truth.

The only time that Shannon felt completely satisfied was in those fleeting moments when she let go of her resistance, and allowed herself to be free of dignity. To be a possession. To be put in her place.

Those moments didn't last long. Everything she had been taught would come rushing back into her with a violence that convinced her, somewhere in her gut, that it was all unnatural. Forced. Pretense. Of course, these feelings only made it harder for Shannon to concentrate on the work at hand.

"It is, perhaps, not a popular argument that I am making," the professor told his class, without a trace of defensiveness, " but when you leave this college, you will make your own decisions. It is very likely that those decisions will mirror the ones that were made a hundred years ago, and you will continue to advance, through your values, and more importantly, through your votes, restrictions on social freedoms."

"What concerns me is that the decisions were made by what was, at the time, a small minority of the population. The Tea Party, as it was initially known, took control of the political process by virtue of zealous activism and the support of conservative media outlets. They maintained their position through shrewd political maneuvering, and by instilling an unreasonable fear of change in the public. All of this can be supported by the historical record. While I don't necessarily have a problem with the outcome of these changes to the constitution, I am troubled by the way they were achieved. Any comments from the class?"

This professor had a reputation for challenging his student. Shannon had spent a disproportionate amount of her study time trying to understand his lecture notes, but still felt completely unprepared when he set his sights on her.

"Miss Bowen?"

"I ... uh..."

The stutter drew a chuckle from around the room. Shannon took a deep breath and then tried again.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't ... I mean, why nobody questions the outcome of the constitutional changes. If the changes were driven by fear and political motives, why are we so sure that the ... um, that the reformed constitution is really better than the one the original founding fathers wrote?"

It was another piece of information that everyone seemed to know and accept before the question was even asked. Some of the girls rolled their eyes at here naive comments, while others actually seemed offended that she would dare question the constitution.

"How about it?" the professor asked. " Is there anyone else here who thinks the same way?"

Shannon's support came from a most unexpected corner of the classroom.

"I just think it's funny, " Bethany spoke up, " that nobody is really willing to challenge the results. I mean, you can go back and pick apart the immediate causes and effects of the new constitution ... and no one really seems to mind, but it's just not politically correct to say that the outcome is flawed."

It was a line that the professor couldn't cross himself. Not without risking his tenure, anyhow. His flirtations with academic freedom were tempered with self-interest. However, if the topic were brought up by a student, he didn't seem to mind taking on the debate.

"The outcome is flawed, is it? How so?"

"In over a century, what has really changed? There's still poverty. There are still problems in the public education system. We're still using roughly the same computers, the same vehicles, and the same medical technologies. After the twentieth century, and the explosive growth in the beginning of the twenty-first, we've hit a technological plateau ... maybe even a backslide in some ways. And now the politicians seem satisfied to sit in the same spot, and just repair the current infrastructure as it decays, and to snipe at each other about the most recent sex scandals."

Her line of argument caught most of the girls by surprise. They had clearly been ready to see Shannon taken apart by the professor, and were shocked to see so prominent a student as Bethany come to her defense. The professor allowed the moral majority of the classroom to respond with their standard tools of furious sound and indignation, only interjecting a few devil's advocate comments when the debate seemed too one-sided.

In the end, nothing would be solved. They all recognized it. Even while they could explore the freedom to take a contrary stand in an academic environment, in the real world, pragmatism ruled. The current political system would continue to grind along with inertia of status quo. All that had happened today was that Shannon was a little less certain about her decision to avoid Bethany.

The universe righted itself quickly enough.

"Hey, uh, thanks for backing me up in there," Shannon caught up to Bethany in the hallway.

"I didn't back you up ... I agreed with an idea. There's a difference. I'm just surprised that you were able to come up with any ideas worth agreeing with."

And that was that.

Shannon wished, over the next couple of hours, that she could shrug off the rebuke. She should be used to it, she argued to herself. Bethany had always made it clear that she had no real regard for her classmate. It was a pattern that had repeated itself many times. Bethany didn't mind taking a part in the non-rivalry, but she always made her opinion clear. Shannon wasn't in her league.

The way she said it wasn't vindictive. It was just matter-of-fact.

It was a good thing that Shannon had found some new friends this year. There was no way she would make it through college with Bethany constantly reminding her of her shortcomings.

That was Elizabeth's job now. Of course, Elizabeth disagreed with Shannon about avoiding Bethany in favor of her new friends, and she took every opportunity to point it out. The bi-weekly sessions in Elizabeth Fisher's office always delivered the same message; "I told you so."

While she was sitting there, being disassembled by Elizabeth's ruthless logic, she could do nothing but agree. However, when she rejoined her real life, it only made her more determined to prove everyone wrong. Her new friends would give her the respect she deserved. She didn't need people like Bethany or Elizabeth to feed her insecurities. She needed friends who would take care of her.

It was Patty and Tracy who were going to help Shannon out of her awkward situation with her math tutor. After taking some initial amusement from Shannon's misunderstanding of the situation, they had come up with a plan. They shared it with Shannon when she returned to her dorm room after class. Patty was painting her toe nails as they talked.

"Well you don't want to hurt Alana's feelings, do you?"

"Not at all."

"And you've got to admit that you've been leading her on a bit."

They had helped her to understand all of the little signals that Alana had been sending. There had been the gifts. There was the way Alana was always willing to re-schedule a session if it wasn't convenient for Shannon. They had even shared meals sometimes, when the tutorial ran long, and they had to work through dinner.

"Well, yeah, I guess. I didn't mean to."

"I still can't believe you didn't know that she was a dyke," broke in Tracy. The third year student had taken a personal interest in Shannon's success, and Shannon was grateful for the attention.

"Anyhow, " Patty continued, " it would definitely hurt Alana's feelings if you just told her that you were never interested in her. She would feel like you were playing her for a fool the whole time, just pretending to be a lesbian to get what you wanted."

Shannon definitely didn't want Alana to feel like that. She had been so supportive.

"So how do I back out of our relationship without telling her that I'm straight?"

"The easiest thing," Patty explained, "is simply to become unavailable. Everyone understands that relationships can develop pretty quickly when you're around college. If she sees you with someone else, it'll be a disappointment, but it won't seem like you were playing with her feelings. She'll probably just be kicking herself because she wasn't aggressive enough to make her move while you were still available."

"So I have to pretend I'm in a relationship with another girl?"

"Don't worry. You don't have to do it for long. After she sees you together, she probably won't ask too many questions. She'd be embarrassed to let on that she's still interested in you."

"But ... how..."

Tracy unveiled her part in the plan.

"I'll introduce you to a friend of mine at a party this weekend. Her name is Ruth. She's perfect. She's totally out of the closet, and she owes me a favor. You two can find a nice quiet corner, spend some time making out, and I'll arrange to bring Alana over so that she can see the two of you together. Your credentials as a lesbian will be established, and Alana will see that you're no longer on the market."

It was a tidy solution, Shannon had to admit, except...

"What's wrong?" Patty asked. " You look hesitant."

"It's just ... well, I haven't really had any ... um, experience with..."

"Oh, my god. Aren't you adorable?" Tracy teased, watching Shannon's face turn a bright shade of red. "I can't believe you're this nervous about a little kissing with another girl. It's nothing to worry about. It's just like kissing a guy, except without the stubble."

It was true that Shannon was a more than a little reluctant to engage in that kind of intimacy with another girl, but it was more than that.

"Even with a guy, I haven't really done that much kissing," she admitted.

"You've had a boyfriend, haven't you?" Patty asked, in disbelief.

"Yeah, but..."

But what? She wasn't going to share the details with Patty and Tracy. They would lose all respect for her. She wasn't going to admit that in all of the times that Kevin had played with her body like a toy, in all of the times that he had humiliated her, and filled her with his cum, that they had never even shared a single tender moment. A simple kiss on the mouth would have been out of place in that relationship.

"It's okay..." Shannon continued, after a pause. " I'll do it. No problem."

Those hollow assurances to her new friends didn't calm her own nerves. It left her with the rest of her school week to be distracted from her work, which was already difficult enough to keep focused on. By the time the weekend came, Shannon was just anxious to have it over with, so that she could go back to pretending that she fit in.

"Don't worry ... you look good, " Patty told her, as Shannon fussed over her choice of clothing one more time.

Shannon couldn't help but be nervous. It was an evening of firsts for her. First time leaving campus with her new friends. First college party. First kiss ... that was the one she was trying not to think about.

The other girls arrived, and for a little while, Shannon put her mind away, and was able to get caught up in the excitement. This was what it was like to be a real college student. Her anxieties about falling behind in her studies had kept her from pursuing a social life here, but tonight was different. It felt good to be included, even if it felt like the girls were having some fun at her expense.

Then it would be all over. Alana wouldn't be hurt. Shannon could go back to her studies. Patty and Tracy and the other girls would be her friends. She didn't have to think about Elizabeth Fisher or Bethany right now. It was an evening to let go, and then everything would be okay.

The girls piled into the back of an ancient camper-van, and Tracy took the wheel. The rusty old vehicle made a few grunts and squeals as it pulled away from the curb. Inside, the students applied make-up and traded stories about the guys they had hooked up with on previous weeks.

The ride wasn't a long one. It was just enough to take the girls off of campus, where students from other local colleges mingled on the weekends. The party was already in full swing, spilling in and out of a sliding glass door that led into a dimly-lit basement suite.

Shannon spotted Ruth immediately, although the two had never met. Ruth was appraising her as she approached. It was like Tracey was bringing her a nice bottle of wine, and Ruth was showing her appreciation by inspecting the label, and sniffing the cork.

"Have fun," Tracey yelled in Shannon's ear, just barely above the music. "I'll let you know when you're in the clear."

Good, Shannon thought. The sooner they could get arrange to have Alana see her with Ruth, this whole thing would be over, and she'd just be out for the night with the girls.

"You wanna make out?" Ruth suggested, handing Shannon a beer.

"Yeah."

"Sweet." She looked like she could hardly believe her luck. Ruth wasn't unattractive, but she had a bit of a rough boyish edge to her that would probably scare people off a bit.

They found an unoccupied sofa in a darkened corner of the room. Shannon took several fast gulps from her beer. Her eyes raced across the room, to see if her friends were anywhere close by. No. No one she knew. No one was paying attention to them at all. It calmed her a bit that this spot was private. Ruth was close to her now, nudging her way into a kiss.

Then it came.

A rush of sensations hit Shannon all at once. There was the warmth and insistence of Ruth lips. There was the taste of cigarettes on her breath. She felt the first buzz of the beer mingle with the incredible rush of warmth that the kiss elicited from her body. All of the feelings layered upon each other, paralyzing Shannon in the moment, rendering her almost unable to breathe.

Ruth pushed hard against her. The girl was clear about what she wanted, and Shannon felt herself responding to the silent commands. Ruth didn't waste time. Even before the first kiss was finished, she was exploring Shannon's body with her free hand. Soon, she settled into groping Shannon's ass, and grinding their bodies together as she pushed her tongue repeatedly into Shannon's mouth.