Chapter 7

I never did talk to Clare. The one time I caught her alone and tried to bring it up, she just gave me an icy stare a nd said she had no idea what I was talking about.

But then she said that, if she ever heard any lies or rumors about her, she would ruin me. I took the hint. And decided to reason it out for myself. To do that I had to read a lot more Harlequins and other romance novels, pay more attention to how the other girls my age and older acted and learn to read between the lines.

I sent Sarah an email on our private link and told her I missed her and that things weren't going all that well ... rather, that I'd made no progress on fulfilling my fantasy.

Five minutes later she called. I recounted my frustrations and Sarah chuckled.

"Joni, he's always been sorta weird in the way he looks at things. He's using his male logic to try to interpret female logic."

"Um ... do we have a 'logic'?" I said it like I meant it in a joking way.

"In a way," Sarah replied after she finished laughing. "But he still ends up with 'male logic'."

"Maybe he shouldn't think so much and just go with the flow."

"You mean think with his little head? After all the crap he hears from us females, especially the feminists, about that? Think about it. What Pete's worried about is creating unhealthy dependencies; even though we are playing roles and know that's just what it is, he doesn't want to do anything that will end up hurting you ... and, indirectly, making him feel bad for letting it happen."

"So he is the jealous type in a way?"

"Well ... I s'pose he is, sorta ... just not in the usual way."

"What do you mean?"

"He'll never care about you having sex with someone else or, certainly, falling in love with someone else, as long as it doesn't change how you feel about him. And that other guy doesn't hurt you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because he told me ... and he's demonstrated it. There were a couple times - decades ago - when we had some problems and he was jealous, initially, when I was with someone else. He said he thought about it a while and realized that was stupid considering he knew girls were just as sexual as guys and just as curious. Later when I was going with someone else, we were alone a couple times and made out a little, and I knew he really wanted me but he didn't push it. Not because he would have thought I was slutty for it but because I might have thought that, and he didnt want me to think that way..."

"And you believe him?"

"He's been saying the same thing for 45 years ... so why not. We emailed for over 5 years before we got together this time, and from the beginning the urge was there. He told me, and I sorta told him."

"Sorta... ?"

"Well ... I like him to make the moves."

"Hah ... so do I. So how did that work out for you?"

"At first, pretty much same as it is for you. Difference is we know each other so well, and understand the boundaries. Here's the thing ... He doesn't want to create a one-sided dependency. He's always understood that he can't fully commit and that this could cause hurt. He's told me some stories; like the friend from work who he found out had a really large pussy. He's not little as you know but he felt like he was lost in it. He did come but afterward he asked her if she liked fisting and ended up with both hands up to the wrist inside her. He said he had a hard time explaining to her that a FWB affair wouldnt work, not because of that but she lived too far away to be practical. She didnt want nooners in the park."

"Hey ... I ain't looking for love. I'm looking for sex with some affection thrown in. Enough caring that I know he ain't gonna abuse me because of my likes."

Sarah chuckled. "He knows that. He's just being careful. For exactly the same reason as he made rules on your dating, should the issue come up."

I didn't say anything. This was going nowhere we hadn't covered before.

"I'm so frustrated, I've started watching myporn!"

"Well, that's a problem? I don't care for it but I guess I can see why some watch it."

I thought about that a minute. Hah! I bet she didn't care for porn for the same reason I don't.

"Yeah, well I dont usually care for it either ... but there's categories ... and what I like to watch are like 'dumb girls taken advantage of... ' types of videos. Except they arent REALLY dumb, they know full well that they aren't gonna be porn stars. What's fascinating is that they will fuck on camera for just a few bucks, there's only one explanation - They like to show off ... and let the guy dominate 'em. And all that time they're thinking about thousands of guys watching them getting fucked and wishing it was their cocks doing the dipping."