Chapter 61

For those of you who have not had the benefit of being swaddled with Yiddish, here are some handy translations of words you will find in this chapter.

Haggadah, a book that tells the story of Passover ranging from a small pamphlet designed to make it easy for young children to understand to a tome appropriate to a year-long course at the seminary

Tsouris, trouble, like you wouldn't believe

Oi, OMG like you wouldn't believe

Mahoff, a VIP like you wouldn't believe

Seder, the dinner celebrating Passover

I stopped off at Jeff's house on the way back from school. We would both need cars over the break.

My top priority was to talk with Sandy. I didn't relish the conversation.

"Sandy, I barely have time to breathe this week. I have two showers, our family dinner, the second night of Passover with your family and so many arrangements to go over. I can't see how I'm going to be able to fit your shower in between now and graduation.

"I'm really sorry. Of all the people who are going to be involved, you're my favorite."

She took a breath. She looked disappointed, but not as much as I had expected.

"It's okay, Ashley. I know you were looking forward to it and I know how you feel about me. But, I insist on planning the first baby shower."

"Whoa up there little crazy girl. That's not exactly on the front burner."

"I didn't say next week for God's sake."

"Sorry. With everything else going on that scared the crap out of me coming out of nowhere."

"Sorry." She dragged it out and didn't look the least bit sorry. I was sure she got a kick out of hitting a nerve and I expected to be needled about this frequently in the future.

"I would like you to join me for as much of this week's folderol as you can. I need an ally."

She beamed.

"Sign me up."

Sunny was home and joined us. I was confused and unsettled. She was likely the perfect person to talk with.

"I'm starting to have second thoughts about the wedding," I said.

Both their faces took on expressions of shock and horror.

"No, not that. I'm having no second thoughts about the marriage, just the wedding."

Their relief was almost comical. Then Sunny got a suspicious look in her eyes.

"No. I didn't do that on purpose. I think I can give you a good idea pretty quickly. The guest list has reached eleven hundred seventy-three and that's with my Mom trying to keep it down, not so much because they care about cost, but if it gets much bigger they're going to have to try to get the Convention Center. No place else will be big enough.

"I used a calculator. If I spend just ten seconds with each guest, that's over three hours and fifteen minutes just saying thank you for coming.

"Then there's table duty. I have to do the grand tour. 'Are you having a good time? Oh, yes, we're leaving tomorrow for a fun-filled week in Camden. Yes, the salad was amazing. Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift. The dishes are perfect. We now have enough to have a small third-world country over for dinner. By, the way, who the hell are you?'"

I had gotten carried away. I hadn't even realized Sandy and Sunny were laughing. Both had tears streaming down their cheeks.

"And, of course, I'll have to spend more time with people I actually know. I figure that averages out conservatively to two minutes a table. We've already got around one hundred-fifty tables so that's three-hundred minutes, or five hours.

"Almost eight and a half hours are accounted for and I haven't gotten to eat or drink or dance with Jeff. The band will already be on several hours overtime before I even get to cut the cake."

They hadn't stopped.

"Laugh all you want. I'm absolutely serious! I may be laughing on the outside, but..." I started to laugh myself. "This is insane. This is going to be larger than the graduating class at most colleges."